CHAPTER SEVEN
The little interaction I had with Erwin faded into the background as months passed by in a breeze.
I was afraid that the day of our graduation was growing nearer. I didn't know if I was to be relieved that I would be free from such grotesque arrangement or be a little saddened that I was leaving the life I have always known behind.
My mind still inadvertently travels back towards Erwin Smith.
I wondered if his mind had changed just like Nile's. If all of a sudden, he realized his future means more to him than proving the past.
It couldn't be that farfetched.
"Smith, you're up." Our superior gestured for him to switch partners in hand-to-hand.
I feel dread climb up my throat and suffocate me as I saw Erwin stand in front of me, stretching his arms. Just my luck.
"Don't go easy on me, M/n." He flashed me a playful look before falling into a fighting stance, in which I reluctantly followed.
I waited for him to throw the first jab, in which he did. I narrowly dodged it as it faintly grazed my cheek before I ducked and swiped my legs beneath him, in which he, too, avoided by stepping widely to the side.
I recovered quickly and fell back into a fighting stance.
He then carefully repositioned before attempting to swing at me, which I had to catch safely by stopping his wrist with my forearm. And without missing a beat, I pulled him into a tackle, throwing him to my back as he rolled.
Not before grabbing ahold of my upper body and taking me down with him, taking advantage of his size.
I fell to the earthy ground with him, both of us struggling to take control of the position we were in.
He rolled us over swiftly until he hovered on top of me, pinning my hand against my chest. "Do you concede?"
I scoffed before utilizing my legs, swinging them to wrap around his torso before reversing out position. I sure as hell did not want to straddle him even in this situation- so I threw him to reposition before he can recover.
But to my utter mistake, he had fallen on his hand, soliciting a pained groan from his lips.
It was faint but I could hear it clear and loud, enough to blare the sounding alarms in my head.
I quickly dropped to the ground beside him, eyes shaped into unmasked worry and concern. I felt so incredibly bad when I saw that his hand had become a little red, as though it would leave a nasty bruise.
"Shit, I'm sorry!" I cursed and apologized profusely in which he only brushed off with a reassuring smile.
Which did not reassure me at all.
"Come on, I'll take you to the infirmary." I hoisted him up carefully and watched cautiously as he shook his head.
"It's just a sprain."
"Then best to have it treated right away!" I exclaimed, forcing him to come with me to the clinic.
"Seriously, M/n. It's nothing. It'll heal in a few days."
"You can't be too careless, Erwin."
On the way to infirmary, Erwin had given up midway in trying to convince me he was all right, eventually- he had been the one to concede and was now patiently seated as a doctor inspected his hand.
"Hmm, other than bruising and perhaps a little pain when using your hand; it's fine." The doctor said, prompting Erwin to look at me with a 'see' look. "In a few days, it'll be fully healed. Just a mild sprain, 's all."
The next few days, my guilt piled up every time I see Erwin struggle slightly with little tasks he used to do in ease.
Like holding his spoon right, or buttoning his clothes, or in the current case- writing.
His dominant hand had been the one affected, making it difficult for him to hold his quill upright and move his hand to actually write. Peering over his shoulder, he still made a great deal of effort to do so.
I know he was just being kind. Trying not to show how he struggled while I was present, afraid I'd fall into an apologetic state once more.
He still made a great effort to write his letter to Marie, which affected me all the same. But I had no right to be upset, I knew that. Which was why I had to take responsibility and shove my feelings aside.
"Give me," I gestured towards the quill, watching him glance up at me with a curious look. "I'll help you."
He didn't fight me this time as he scooted over, letting me lean down to the table with full access while he handed me the quill with his shaky hand that had started bruising by the 2nd day.
I pursed my lips into a thin line before turning back to the paper, looking at the terrible handwriting- very unlike his typical neat penmanship that has received numerous praises in the past.
I pulled a new parchment and positioned my hand.
"I know this is going to be really awkward but you'll need to tell me what you want to write down. I understand if this is kinda intrusive for you—"
"To my dearest Thorne," he interrupted; proving to me he did not mind sharing his privacy with me.
I swallowed thickly, trying not to show how my hand trembled slightly. Why wasn't he using Marie? Since when had he changed the starting of his letter? Marie never told me about the change, but then again, she didn't care for such trivial matters.
Did he start to change when I had changed the way I signed off Marie's letters? Was that why he prompted to use our shared last name?
"Well, write it down." Erwin urged me with a slightly amused look, making me clear my throat and nod.
"Sorry."
"Are you changing your mind?" He asked me curiously, making me shake my head.
"No. It's just that, I never knew you called Marie by her last name." I dismissed lightly, trying not to show how it did catch me off guard the first time I heard it.
"Your last name."
That made me snap my head up towards him only to see he was still focused on the paper in front of us.
"You refer to it as her last name but it's yours too, isn't it?"
I arched a brow and nodded nonetheless, "Well, yeah."
"Here," he stood up from the chair and pulled it for me. "You take the chair since you'll be the one writing." He stated, making me hesitantly take it.
I didn't really feel like putting up a fight anyway.
"Now let's continue." He said, watching as I gently glided the quill across the paper— writing the first few words he had spoken initially.
It felt weird, to be writing Erwin a love letter for Marie. But I just knew I had to help him in some way, especially when I had been the cause of his troubles in the first place.
"I cannot begin to express the joy when I first discovered you were writing love letters for me."
I began to write the words, careful with my strokes but at the same time making sure I was able to catch up
"It was a relief. A big breath of relief that escaped me to know you'd feel as deeply for me as I do you. The first time you caught my eye, it was not love at first sight. Instead, a quiet curiosity that was planted in my chest and I knew it was only a matter of time before you sunk beneath my bones and nurtured this deep-seated familiarity into a love so fierce that I would question if I had ever been in love before."
I sucked in a deep breath, trying to stay focused.
The first night they met, I had brought the both of them to the pub Marie had worked in. And in instant as I introduced my sister, I knew right away they were captivated. I found curiosity in both of their eyes, ones that I was not the slightest familiar with.
Not that people rarely fell for Marie. No, she was easily loved by those around us. I was used to seeing a similar look on different people before, but I never thought I would see it on my own two closest friends.
And I was right, as I wrote his words down. He was intrigued with her from the first night.
And I didn't know how to feel about it. Crestfallen that my suspicions had been true? Or dread that I had been right?
"After that night, that very morning after. . . I woke up so in love with you- I didn't know what to do with my body, which was far from yours. I don't know how this happened. I just woke up one morning and you were the blood in all of my poems. All I could remember was that I was relieved the night before, I remember feeling my insatiable thirst to see your face. I remember being so glad to see you waiting for me."
Marie told me about that night. Perhaps only the summary of it. She had made it seem like it was just a pleasant evening, and yet, the way Erwin had spoken about it was like it had come straight from a fairytale. Full of love.
I could only swallow bitterly as I wrote every word, trying not to pour my own personal feelings into my writing as I recalled Erwin's words about emotions showing in someone's handwriting.
I knew what I was getting into by offering my assistance to Erwin. I knew what I was getting into when I had accepted Marie's plead for help.
And yet, my muscles felt week as I clutched the quill with a tight grip.
My resolve was wavering.
"I believe I have never told you or have accurately shown you— my affections, I mean." Feeling him so close, the hair on my neck stood up as his warm breath fanned against the shell of my ear.
I stopped writing, frozen in place.
Erwin tilted his head slightly to the side, as though trying to see my reaction.
"Why'd you stop writing?" He asked me softly, making me swallow a lump in my throat before quickly dipping the quill into the ink before hastily writing it down.
This proximity was driving me crazy.
His left hand laid flat on the surface, the right clutching the back of the chair I was seated in. I was careful not to lean back, avoiding his touch as though it was a contagious disease. He was leaning in to look on the piece of paper over me.
"No matter how far you are from me, my mind still finds a way to think about you. Whether it's because of something I hear, see, smell, taste, or feel. Whether it's big or small. There's always something that will remind me of you. And it took me a while to digest and slowly realize that I did not fall in love with you," I could still feel him breathing into me.
Every word spoken leaving a trail of breath fanning against me.
"I grew to love you."
I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes, savoring the words that left his mouth. For a moment, I dreamt of it. I dreamt of hearing them come from his lips as though they had been intended for me.
My hand trembled before I eventually got a hold of myself and wrote down his words with cheeks that were hot to touch.
This felt too intimate.
I was quick. Heart racing wildly against my chest to the point I could hear it pounding against my own ears.
As soon as I had written the last word, I abruptly stood up— shrugging him off my form before turning to him, trying to hide how warm my entire face felt.
"Are you fine with signing your own name?" I tried to sound civil, as though our previous proximity had not affected me.
Erwin looked confused before slowly nodding. "Yes. But what's wrong—"
"Good!" I made a poor attempt to dash out of the door, closing it shut behind me as I didn't let him finish his question.
If I had prolonged it, I would have exploded.
Leaning against the other side of the door, holding my hand over my lower face. I felt so warm, so hot and bothered. Then I slowly reached a hand to my chest, right directly over my beating heart.
It was racing, beating furiously.
Sighing and running a hand over my face once more, I shakily released a long breath.
That was stupid.