WARNING: Very long chapter!
Hagen: 20, Nikola: 15
And don't be shy with the comments 💗
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Hagen's POV
"Hola mi nombre es Hagen y mi color favorito es el morado." (Hello my name is Hagen and my favourite colour is purple)
"You sound a little off," Jaspar shouts from his couch. "Forced."
"That's cause this is forced," I reply as I wave the stupid paper around. "In what world would I ever tell someone my name and my favourite colour in one sentence?"
Jaspar bites off a piece of his liquorice before he eyes me with a way-too-serious look. "You'd be surprised, Hagen."
I roll my eyes at the idiot, but that idiot was also a primaeval vampire, so if anyone had run into that situation in life, it was Jaspar.
"Come on, try again," he prompts, waving what's left of his liquorice around. "Or should I say, 'Inténtalo de nuevo, mi amigo que ama el morado." (Try again, my friend who loves purple)
Sometimes, like right now, I wished I'd never chosen a language elective as part of my course this year, but then again, it was the only class I was currently passing, and with good grades at that. I'd always loved languages and to be honest, I didn't get how other people didn't. Other people were literally speaking in different codes all over the world, and the fact that people didn't have an obscene urge to understand them all was insane to me.
If it were up to me, I'd spend my whole life learning languages, and I guess I could, but it felt wrong when I looked at everyone else in my life. My brothers were alphas, a marine biologist in training, and it was just a matter of time before Josey ended up in the Academy, and what— I'd be a linguist?
I fell short in enough ways already.
"Hola," I start, trying my best to go for casual. "Mi nombre es—"
'I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine
I got a love and I know that it's all mine, oh, oh-oh'
Jaspar stares blankly at me and I shrug as I reach for my phone, "It's been stuck in my head lately."
He wrinkles his nose, "It's worse than your anime-shit," he denounces and I gasp.
"We'll address that blasphemy later," I warn him before I answer the call, "Yellow?"
"Hagen."
I stiffen. It's automatic, just as the fear that washes over me is. Over the years, my Aunt Kat and I had grown apart, just like I'd grown apart from her son. We still said hey to each other when we crossed paths, she was as nice to me as I was to her, but before we parted, I always saw that sadness and regret in the back of her eyes. It just wasn't the same and I doubted it ever would be. I couldn't pop over to her house whenever I wanted, and we both knew why.
But she called me. She never called me, which meant something was wrong.
"What happened?" I ask, my heart already dropping as the absolute worst comes to mind.
What happened to him?
"Nothing. Nothing," she rushes out quickly. "Well, not nothing, but don't panic."
That just makes the panic worse.
Jaspar stands, frowning deeply as he silently asks if I'm okay. I nod and gesture over my shoulder. He waves me off and I smile gratefully at him before I disappear deeper into his house.
"I'm sorry to call, Hagen. I know you're busy with university, but I wouldn't have called if I had any other options," she says, rambling slightly which is so unlike her that it's beyond terrifying.
"What's wrong?" I ask, worry making me slightly snappish.
"Something's wrong with Nikola's magic," she says finally. "He—He can't access it. None. Even when he tries to draw from me or Knots, he can't perform even the simplest spells. It's like it's all gone."
Gone? Nikola's magic couldn't be gone. He was a hybrid— one of the most powerful warlocks on this planet and he was just 15. There was no way his magic was gone, but Aunty Kat sounded genuinely terrified, and she knew more about magic than I ever could even if I lived for a thousand years.
"I think it's a mental block," she continues when I don't reply. "It's the only thing that makes sense. He's perfectly healthy— I've checked. Nothing is wrong with him, so it could only be mental."
"But he doesn't think so?" I find myself asking even though I already knew that was the case.
I didn't spend as much time with Nikola as I once did when we were younger, but I knew him.
"No," she agrees sadly. "He thinks it's something else, something wrong with him, so he's working himself to the bone trying to figure a way out of this. He spends all day with his nose in grimoires and he hasn't left the house in days. He's barely eating too, only doing it when we force him, and he's too fixated on this to stop."
Zyair whines as I picture all too easily the state Nikola had probably driven himself into. Nikola's greatest strength was probably his ability to choose what he wanted to allocate his time and attention to. When he put his mind to something, there was no getting him to stop.
"I was hoping..." she starts, breath catching as her words slow a little. "I was hoping you would come and see him, Hagen."
"See him?" I breathe out as my heart stops falling to race skyward instead. "You want me to see him?"
"I know—"
"I don't think you do know," I snap, a growl riding my voice.
Silence takes over the call and I have to close my eyes to get my breathing under control.
Four years ago, Dad had made sure Nikola could come nowhere near me, and for the first time in longer than I could remember, I could live my life. I could do whatever I wanted without someone constantly peering into it and adjusting it to their liking. All those years enduring his hell had ended and I'd been free— at peace, and then I'd turned 18.
Most wolves caught the scent of their mate easily enough and found them. I had known the scent I'd caught and pretended I didn't, and I'd kept looking for someone else who didn't exist. I tried to deny it, to hide from it, but then I found him, even when I was trying not to, and there was no more running from it.
Nikola was my mate.
He'd run the second the bond registered in my soul. Maybe it was Dad's command making him get away from me, or maybe it was him making sure I couldn't break the bond. It didn't matter though 'cause I knew, and in what felt like a heartbeat, the world was falling apart.
It'd all happened in a sort of blur after that. I must've gotten home somehow, but I didn't quite remember the packing or the leaving. One minute I was home in the pack, and the next I was in a city I didn't know. I just knew that I needed to get as far from the pack and Nikola as I could. Dad found me soon enough though, and when I told him, it was as if his heart had broken with mine.
You'd think a situation like that would be black and white. Find Nikola, break our bond and live a normal life. Except, Nikola was thirteen, and what kind of monster would make a thirteen-year-old endure that kind of pain, maybe even threaten their life?
Aunty Kat had said that much when she'd come to us and begged me not to. I'd never seen her so desperate or so scared, but she'd always just been Aunty Kat to me— the world's most powerful witch. It was easy to forget she was a mother first.
Between her pleading, she'd promised that Nikola was better and working on himself, that he understood all his wrongs, and that she and Uncle Apollos were trying harder with him to have control over himself.
Just please don't break it, Hagen. At least not now.
I could still picture the tears in her eyes, the first tears I'd ever seen in her eyes. But her begging hadn't really made a difference because even if she hadn't pleaded, I had already made up my mind not to do it. I'd wait until he was older and then we'd do it.
But what was that saying— 'give an inch, they take a mile'. Well, it was true, because then, she'd started begging for something else.
'Give him a chance these next few years', 'see what he is like now', 'he has more control over himself', 'he's not like what you remember'.
I remembered a lot of Nikola. His spells cutting people out from my life like a doctor with a scalpel, his ever-present fixation on me—with me, the relentless feeling of being suffocated. I remembered a lot, but what I remembered most, and what she knew I remembered most, was what Nikola was like before that all began.
The boy who used to wait on his front step for me, the one who always gave me the very best gifts, whether or not it was Christmas or my birthday. The one who always saw me, always remembered me.
A pipe dream, I'd called it. But then the world was already ending and I'd be breaking the bond soon enough, so what did I have to lose?
I gave it a shot, told Dad to release his command on Nikola and I waited. I waited. And waited. And waited.
But nothing ever happened. Nikola never showed up with his newfound freedom, and his peering magic stayed far away, for the first year at least. Truthfully, even when I felt it later on, it wasn't nearly as intrusive as before. It was like a phantom just on the edges of my life, and it felt just like the protection spells on the pack.
Eventually, we saw each other in crossing and ... he'd been awkward and quiet. He barely even managed to meet my eyes as he made a single promise.
'I'll leave you alone. While you adjust to the bond, I'll leave you alone'.
And he had. I still couldn't believe it. The fact that he'd made such a promise and then kept it.
As the months and years passed with absolutely nothing, it felt like it'd all been in my head, the monster he'd become that I'd naturally started running from. Except it hadn't just been in my head.
Anyway, four years later, and I still didn't know which it was because I didn't see Nikola. I caught a glimpse of him, saw him across a room at most, and while as our parents' friendship mended, ours stayed stagnant. But as the years went on and the timer on our eventual collision dwindled, it was harder to see him as just this person on the outskirts of my life and not... I didn't even know.
Even if Nikola was 'better' or 'nicer', what chance did we have at a bond? I was five years his senior, I was not attracted to men and our history was a foul thing. Any bond between us was doomed to fail, so better to just stay away from him and wait the clock out until I could end it.
Except now, something was wrong.
"I'm sorry," I mumble, rubbing a hand over my brows as I try to breathe. "I didn't mean...I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Aunt Kat replies quickly, her sadness seeping through the phone. "You never have to apologise to me, not after...everything."
Pain twinges in my chest as memories flood in, nights at their dinner table, family days with them always there. Goddess, how did it all feel like so many lifetimes ago?
"You don't have to do it. Obviously, you don't owe Nikola or us, anything," she continues carefully. "I just... I thought if you were okay with it, you could talk to him and get him to rest. He needs it, Hagen."
"I—" I sigh, shaking my head. "Nikola doesn't listen to anyone."
"He'll listen to you."
I bite my tongue from asking when he'd ever listened to me. "I don't know. I don't want him getting worse and I know you wouldn't call unless things were really bad. I want to help, but...." I didn't want to risk opening the same door between us again.
So far, Nikola stayed away from me, but what if my coming to help him was the excuse he needed to start it all over again? Promises were just words really, and they broke fast when put to the test. I don't say that, though, because even when she knew all Nikola was, Aunty Kat only had one child, and she loved him more than anything.
"You don't trust him."
I stiffen a little at the sound of Uncle Apollos' voice. I hadn't known he was there or listening.
"No," I admit.
"You don't trust us," he adds.
My heart tightens with guilt, but I answer truthfully, "No."
"I understand, Hagen," he replies with a hushed sigh, one riddled with shame. "We understand and we won't ask you to sacrifice your own comfort for Nikola. It's not fair."
It's not fair.
How many times had I said those words? Screamed them? Cried them? All for someone else to throw excuses and reasons in my face when there was never a need for either. It just wasn't fair. And that was that.
"I'm sorry we called," Apollos continues, sounding as solid as ever. "We'll deal with it on our own."
"Apollos," Aunty Kat starts, but whatever happens on the other side of the line makes sure she doesn't continue.
"Thanks for taking the time to talk to us, Hagen," he says before the line cuts, leaving me with nothing but the beeping on the other end.
As I lower my phone, I stare at the screen. Was that it? They were going to leave me alone with just that? No more begging? They were going to put me over Nikola? No.
I stare at my phone, waiting for the call until I'm practically glaring at it. They'd call again and ask— they always asked for something more. Except the phone doesn't ring and as the minutes tick by, I can feel my life slipping back into place around me, as if none of that had ever happened.
I could go back, find Jaspar, keep practising my Spanish for my exam on Monday and continue as if nothing ever happened and they'd let me. And when I thought about it, wasn't this a good thing? If Nikola didn't have his magic then—
I shake my head, removing the thought before it could grow any darker and stare at my phone again. Still nothing.
He'll be fine — Zyair says into the quiet. It might take a while, some resources or just time, but I'm sure he'll be fine.
Eventually — I finish for him, and he hums a little.
Neither of us liked the thought of that very much, but that was the bond speaking, not me. If it was me speaking then.... Then, what? What did I want to do?
I hit the dial button on my phone and bring it to my ear again.
"Hagen?" Uncle Apollos answers and his surprise is almost as great as his worry.
"You said it wasn't fair," I say in a rush. "To ask me to do this."
"...It wasn't. It is not." He replies after a moment. "I didn't want to, but Katerina thought we should at least try and I agreed, so the fault is with both of us."
"No, I mean," I laugh a little and wipe a hand over my face. "I don't even know what I mean."
"I'm sorry, Hagen. We shouldn't have called."
"It's fine. It's fine, just... if I talk to him, and just talk," I state, making that very clear, "do you have to promise that if he tries anything after, you'll stop him before he even gets the chance?"
"He won't—"
"Promise me, please," I cut him off, not wanting to hear it. "You guys say he's better, but I don't know any better version of who your son has become, so please. Promise me, you won't even let anything happen because if it does, then it really won't be fair and I won't wait until he's eighteen to break this bond."
Heavy silence falls over us, and I can feel the weight of it like a solid thing crushing me down. I hadn't meant to give an ultimatum, or maybe that was a threat. I didn't even have a plan, I just called, and now we were here, and I needed this.
"Okay," he replies firmly. "I promise, and I won't tell him about this so you know his actions are his own."
My lips part with the usual responses that maybe he was listening in right now, that he'd know, and so he'd be on his best behaviour regardless, but Nikola didn't have his magic, and for once, he didn't have a leg up.
"Alright," I say. "Then, I'll talk to him."
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Standing outside the familiar dark oak door feels like travelling back in time, except my eyes now line higher with the door, and it's aged slightly.
There's also a clogging in my throat that makes it so damn hard to breathe.
It wasn't too late to turn around and back out. Apollos said that if I had a change of heart, I could go whenever I wanted and if I wanted to go just because I wanted to, then Katerina would send me back and scrub Andy hint of my presence from this place.
The offer seemed so wonderful now that I was here, on Nikola's doorstep and almost shitting myself.
What kind of person faced their demons on their own will? No, Nikola wasn't a demon. He was fucking fifteen and allegedly reformed. I shouldn't be so scared of him, and besides, he was sick.
It's that that waters down my fear and allows the bond to replace it with blinding worry. My mate was unwell, and I should care, and I did care. Did I care only because he was my mate, or because apparently the Nik I once knew might be the one who was sick now? And did the answer matter when at the end of the day, I just cared and was going to talk to him, one way or another?
"Goddess, have mercy," I pray before I knock on the door.
There's silence and then, "What is it?"
I freeze, not from fear of hearing his voice but from how unfamiliar it is to my ears.
It's harsher than I know it to be and laced with way too much anger and frustration. If I didn't know better, I'd take several steps back and walk away, except I did know better. I knew enough to know that Nikola would never speak to his parents like that, and that must've been who he assumed was on the other side of the door.
They said whatever was messing with his magic had started to weigh in on his werewolf side as well. His 'systems' were down, all of it. He couldn't communicate with his wolf properly, couldn't shift either without becoming weaker and his senses were out of whack too.
Things were bad then.
With an arming breath, I settle my hand over the knob and push the anxiety rattling through me from my face as I open the door.
Our eyes meet instantly, like two ends of a rope snapping tight. Just as quickly, his annoyed frown disappears to make room for surprise as Nikola jumps to his feet before he goes perfectly still.
Nikola was still growing, so he looked a little different every time I saw him, but right now, he just looked bad. I'd never seen him anything short of perfectly groomed and kept, but he was far from that now. Deep bags hung under his eyes, dragging down his grey irises to make him look awfully older and more tired.
Zyair paces uncomfortably at the sight of him, but I don't let it show. For one, I doubted that would help whatever mental block he had over him now, and secondly, I needed to read this new Nikola before I gave anything away.
He was still standing beside his desk full of grimoires, perfectly still with too-wide eyes that looked all over me as if I was some ghost. He looks at me like he loves me too— I see it so clearly it makes my skin crawl because he's Nikola, and he's a fucking teenager, and I— I have no idea what to do with it.
"Hi," I say when nothing else comes to mind and the silence begins leaning into something painful.
Nikola blinks twice and manages to relax his eyes before he replies, "Hi."
He sounds stiff like a robot and unsure, too, as if he were the one scared of me.
"You look good," he adds on and I can tell he's just thrown that out there.
My lips tug into a small smile as I wipe my hands against my pants, "Thanks. You do, too."
Nikola looks at me as if to say 'that's an utter lie', but he doesn't actually say it. His eyes remain on me, locked in like they always were and I avoid them, looking around his room instead.
It was a wreck with books thrown all about, an unmade bed and a broken plant on the floor. If anything it looked more like my room. From the corner of my eyes, I spot the way Nikola winces as if reading my thoughts and I scramble for something else to say.
"Katerina called me."
Nikola frowns, and he seems stuck between feeling annoyed and regretful. He'd never liked worrying his parents.
"Apollos got me to come," I continue, which draws surprise to the forefront of his emotions. "He's worried about you, they're worried about you."
He looks away from me for the first time, looking uncomfortable and I wonder if I've said too much, but it wasn't as if I knew how to do this. I'd agreed to come here and talk to him, to try to get him to rest, but how did I do that when I didn't even know him?
You just need to ask him — Zyair presses encouragingly. He'll be honest with you.
There were a million things I could say to that, but I shove them away in favour of trying.
"Nikola, what's going on?"
"If I knew, I would've fixed it by now," he snaps and I wince. He spots it immediately, and his expression turns mournful, "I'm sorry," he mumbles as he sits down on the edge of his bed and runs his hands over his face. "I'm angry with my magic, not you."
"It's okay," I reply quickly. "Just..." I search for words but nothing but the most obvious come to mine. "Explain it to me?"
Nikola's gaze settles on his floor as his shoulders slump and his entire body seems to wither a little, "It's just gone. Like I never had it before, or someone snatched it from inside of me. I can't feel a trace of my magic anywhere inside of me."
"And your wolf side? How's Neo?"
"It's like he's lost with it, except I can still feel him," he answers and Zyair whines in response. "But that's all; I can't shift, we can't talk, and I'm trapped in whatever is trapping my magic."
Sadness overwhelms me as if it were my wolf I couldn't feel, and even though it wasn't, just imagining it was painful enough. For anybody else, I'd already be across the room, hugging them, but this was Nikola and Goddess knew the last time I felt safe enough to hug him.
I clear my throat, "Katerina said it was a mental block?" Nikola makes a face. "You don't think it is?"
He shakes his head and watches me quietly, waiting for what I might say. It's like he's already prepared for me to tell him to rest and he's just waiting on it so he can say, he doesn't need rest.
And maybe he didn't. I mean, he didn't look great, but Nikola's mind was still sharp and he was smarter beyond his age. Maybe he knew himself and knew rest wasn't the answer, but this couldn't be it either— sitting in a messy room he'd never allow if he was in the right state of mind. So maybe they were both wrong and he just needed to get his mind off of it and grab some fresh air while he was at it.
It's like a light bulb turns on, one that flickers a little because I'm not 100% sure that's the answer, but it was the only one I got. Still, if I told Nikola to get some fresh air, he wouldn't do it, and his version of relaxing was just stress on steroids. So...
He'll listen to you.
Goddess, I stifle a curse as I look at Nikola. Since I'd come in, he hadn't once looked at his grimoires or any of the other unexplained magical items in the room. It was like he forgot it all when I was here, and though that scared the shit out of me, I could use that. But did I want to?
Nikola stares quietly at me, waiting patiently— just waiting.
He's like what you remember.
Goddess, I was weak.
Eyes planted on Nikola, I take a small step inside and then another when Nikola stays still. It wasn't as if I expected him to snap and run at me like a feral animal, but Nik had always been peculiar about his spaces, and I wasn't taking any chances.
But he says nothing as I keep walking until I'm a safe few paces from him and then I bite the bullet I was putting in my own fucking gun.
"Hang out with me today?" I offer with a shaky smile. "We can have some fun, just the two of us."
Nikola looks at me like I might have spouted another head.
It was a crazy offer considering, but we used to have fun and if he was reformed and shit, then it seemed like the best bet to get his mind away from his magic.
Whether or not Nikola agrees, he jumps to his feet for the second time as he nods his head quickly. My smile widens with my small victory. From what Katerina said, they hadn't been able to get him out of the house, so surely this was good?
"Okay," I say, barely managing to hold myself from clapping. "Let's go."
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My victory is short-lived by the time we get on the road and we're walking side by side and Nikola hasn't said a word. He hasn't looked at me either, and when I look at him, we're walking more side by distance.
There's some sort of wall between us and it doesn't fall even when I greet someone passing us by. He just stays shunned to the side, head down and quiet. Which isn't quite ideal when I didn't even know where I was taking him.
"You're quiet."
Nikola risks a glance my way and he frowns a little, "When have I ever been talkative?"
I roll my eyes and shake my head, "Why couldn't your magic take your smart-ass qualities with it?"
Nikola smiles a little before he looks away, taking the smile and moment with him. But before I can rack my brain for something else to say to get him to speak, he takes a chance.
"How have you been?" It's like a child is asking it, and I guess it is, except he sounds more innocent and hopeful than I'd ever heard him sound before.
"Today's not about me, it's about you," I reply because I didn't have much to say about the fact that I was 20 and still a first year in university. "I'm supposed to get you feeling better."
"I feel better when I know you're okay," he replies smoothly, with nothing but his usual blatant honesty.
I should've been used to it, it was how he was all my life, but all my life I hadn't felt the bond between us. I look away, have to because my face is heating, and there's no reason for it to be doing that.
"I'm okay," I manage eventually. "I've actually been doing really well." Mini lie. "Spanish is surprisingly tricky for me, but it's alright, my classes help." Oh look, he can tell the truth. "I've made some friends through them so the city isn't so daunting anymore." On the right track. "Overall, I'm happy." Never mind.
I was doing well, not really well, but well. I had friends, classes were fine and I was good. Happy? I didn't know if any wolf could be happy when they were mated to a fifteen-year-old.
"I'm glad to hear that," Nikola replies with a small smile, and it seems true. I hope it's true.
"Okay, so where do you want to head first?" I ask when walking in circles fails me.
"You're the one who pulled me out of my house."
I groan extra loud so he knows exactly how much his attitude drains the life of me before I stop and face him. "I'm trying to get you to unwind, so stop being annoying and tell me where you like to go when you leave the house." I smile as an idea pops into my mind. "If you let me pick, I promise you'll regret it."
Nikola eyes me a little, recognising the trap with ease, but he seemed happy to run straight into it.
"You pick then."
I laugh a bit and turn with a new skip in my step, "You were warned."
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"Karada jū no saibō, ni hi wo okosu yō ni, Meippai ni kūki wo suikon da!"
Eyes closed, with visions of volleyballs, Hinata and Kageyama in my mind, I sing the words I know by heart without even glancing at the karaoke screen.
"Hikari are-are!" I bellow out as the song takes off, really reaching its peak and almost losing it when I catch a glimpse of Nikola's forlorn expression that went wonderfully with the neon beam I'd thrown over his neck when we'd gotten here.
I'd warned the guy. I had. It wasn't my fault he didn't listen.
We were in a karaoke room, one of the few I'd introduced to the pack myself as a potential recreational project. Did it help that our alpha was my brother, and I could be extremely annoying when I wanted something? Probably, but now we had a karaoke bar and I liked to believe it would be my greatest legacy.
I was putting it to good use now as I gave Nikola a look into one of the best theme songs in anime, and even if he looked like he wanted to blow his brains out, that was just the greatness of it all overwhelming him.
Or maybe he really wants to blow his brains out — Zyair grumbles with a long-suffering sigh. This is your fifth song!
Ignoring the hater in my head, I finish the song strong, enjoying the neon room and all its flickering lights until the screen lights up with my perfect score.
"Fuck yeah!" I cheer before I crash down beside Nikola on the couch with a heaving chest. I grin at him while he stares blankly at me, looking a little lost. "So?" I prompt. "I was amazing, wasn't I?"
Nikola swallows and nods.
I frown because that wasn't enough, and eventually, Nikola adds, "You were very lively and bright."
"I'll take it," I reply with a shrug before I press to mic to his chest. Nikola turns one shade paler.
"No."
"Yes," I sing, grin widening from the sheer horror on his face. I didn't think I needed to see Nikola sing karaoke before, but now I definitely did.
"I don't enjoy singing," he replies seriously, "and I don't enjoy karaoke."
"Then you should've picked something else when you had a chance then, huh?"
He opens his mouth to protest and I do the same, mocking his every attempt to argue until he finally gives up. Glaring slightly, he snatches the mic from me before he admits defeat and stands. I can't help but laugh at the way he drags his feet to the centre of the room like a cow knowingly heading to slaughter.
"WOOH!" I cheer, clapping behind him between my hoots. "GO NIKOLA!"
If Nikola's magic was working as it should, I had no doubt it would rise up and destroy this whole place. Luckily, it wasn't.
"Should I pick the song too?" I ask but Nikola shakes his head so quickly it almost snaps. Someone had learned their lesson.
Biting back my laughter, I grab my water and Pringles too, and watch patiently while he surfs the library of songs. He takes his time and I don't rush him because despite all his glaring and complaining, for the first time since I'd gotten him, Nikola's shoulders weren't up to his neck and I'd spotted his eyes glow once or twice.
This was good for him, whatever this was.
"This isn't me trying to trick you or make you feel bad," I jump a little as I look up, finding Nikola already looking at me with a way-too-serious expression. It falters a little he spots the Pringles I was halfway through, and he smiles a little as I try and fail to hide it. "It's just the only songs I actually like here."
Brows drawing tight, I glance at the screen behind him. He'd stopped strolling at some point and used the search bar instead to find a song by a 'Nat King Cole', one that was made of four letters.
I swallow down the anxiety that tries to rise and nod slowly, "Okay."
Nikola visibly relaxes like if I'd just offered him the world and I'm glad I didn't shut him down. Turning back to the screen, he loads up the song and jazz fills the room before Nikola begins to sing.
"L is for the way you look at me,
O is for the only one I see,
V is very, very extraordinary,
E is even more than anyone that you adore can."
Mouth agape, I stare unblinkingly as Nikola sings and he fucking sings. I didn't know the name of the song, but now that he was singing it, I matched it up in my mind with the few times I'd ever heard Uncle Apollos sing. Nikola sounded as good as him, given his voice was a little softer but just as good.
I couldn't look away.
Nikola glances back shyly, looking like he wanted the world to swallow him whole and run away all at once, but he must see the absolute awe on my face because he continues. His confidence grows a little as the song continues, and he seems to get swept up by memories because by the end of it, he's smiling as he sings the lyrics, and the look on his face is one I haven't seen in a long time.
Nikola looks happy. Wonderfully, blissfully happy.
When he finishes, the trace slips from him a little, but his smile doesn't leave him completely as he hesitantly turns to look at me. His eyes track over me, as if looking for an answer, which is a waste a time because I'm not afraid to tell him the truth.
"You can sing, Nik," I say, sounding as stunned as I felt. "Like really well, like you can really really sing."
Nikola shakes his head while he fixes the mic into its stand, "I sounded like a child."
I roll my eyes, "Well, you are a child, but you still sounded good."
All at once, a deep scowl twists his features from relaxed to stressed and it makes me pause. Maybe he hadn't been enjoying that as much as I thought; he didn't even want to come here; I'd forced him to.
"If you hated it that much, then that's okay," I say quickly, but it comes out in nervous stammers. "I won't make you sing again. I'm sorry I did in the first place."
Nikola shakes his head again, harder this time before he looks at me, "That's not it. I enjoyed the singing... to an extent."
Relaxing, I can't help but smile a little as I parrot his, "To an extent," and shake my head, "You're so difficult."
"Says you," he mutters and I can tell he doesn't mean for me to hear it by the way he stiffens. My mouth drops open in surprise and Nikola laughs a little, the sound so rare and nice it seems to brighten up the room by one million.
"There's no way you think I'm more of a hassle than you are," I retort with a raised brow that Nikola matches with a blank look. I scoff, "You're delusional."
"Spell delusional," Nikola shoots back and I almost choke on my tongue before laughter takes over the both of us.
After a half-serious debate slash argument, Nikola and I eventually leave the karaoke behind in favour of finding substance. It doesn't take me long to get us both food before I return to where I'd left him on the outskirts of the market.
"The food has been secured," I say as I stop before him with two large bags of steaming food. Nikola's stomach grumbles and he blanches a little, looking embarrassed, but then mine grumbles back. I grin. "Maybe we really are soulmates."
Nikola scoffs, "I don't think I'm as bad as the black hole you keep inside of you."
Knocking Nikola's shoulder with my own, I give him a warning look as we laugh, but Nikola just knocks me back as we walk from the markets.
I'd always known Nikola was quick, but I'd never experienced it myself given the fact that, at first, we were just young and having fun, then he was obsessive, and I hated him. It was my first time experiencing his humour and I'd be lying I said I wasn't a fan of it.
"Know any empty spots we can eat?" I ask, there were benches close by, but I doubted Nikola would want to eat near other people.
Nikola nods, "It's a bit of a walk."
"You're the recluse," I shoot back and he frowns.
"It's genetic," he argues and he sounds so genuine I can't help but laugh. "It is."
"You keep believing that, and I'll keep an eye out for Santa."
Nikola smiles a little as he leads the way down a new path, "I have reason to believe Santa is real."
"Don't tell me Damon got you too," I groan in a near plea.
He shrugs, "His evidence holds, and we're tracking him together."
"You're tracking Santa Claus," I deadpan. Nikola laughs again and grins at me, and I almost fall. I hadn't seen him smile like that since we were kids. I clear my throat, "I can't believe he's infected you of all people."
Nikola just shrugs again.
"Dear Goddess, help me when he has his own kids to convert," I grumble before we fall into silence for Nikola's bit of a walk'.
It's not all that bad, considering nowhere in the pack was truly that far, but it's not long before Nikola is panting and frowning and stomping through the woods as if the world had offended him. It takes everything not to laugh at him when I realise this was probably the first time Nikola had to talk to this spot of his.
I bet he never had to hike in his life and this spot was a bit of a climb. By the time we reach the overlooking hilltop of the pack, Nikola basically falls to the ground.
Laughing, I have mercy on the guy and set out our food, laying out the ungodly amount of Nikola's favourite finger foods— samosas, wings, wedges and ribs— at least they were, last time I checked.
"What's for me?" Nikola asks once he's back to breathing normal.
"We'll share," I reply as I survey the spread, "I'll try to eat slower so it doesn't all go."
With the silence that follows, I look up to find Nikola staring at me as if I'd just cursed his mother and blood immediately rushes up my neck and into my face. "I have self-control!"
"Since when?" He asks, sounding genuinely curious.
I glare at the cheeky fucker, "You're the worse."
Nikola's frown fades and his smile returns, this one softer— longing. Before I have to face that, our stomachs grumble in unison and I thank the plains for the escape.
Keeping to my word, I eat slower than usual and keep an eye on Nikola. Aunty Kat said he wasn't eating much and it'd be good to make sure he went back home full. He starts off strong, but it's not long before he slows and something heavy slips over his features.
I follow his gaze, catching sight of the pack lands and it takes me only a moment to figure it out.
"Hey, no sad thoughts," I snap and he jumps a little. He stares at me while I chew on my chicken bone, seeming confused. "You haven't felt this miserable since I came for you. Don't think of it now, it'll only get worse."
I had no idea what magic felt like, let alone what losing that magic felt like, but if I always had a constant connection to the earth and the people around me and then one day it was gone, I imagined it probably felt like living with a phantom limb.
"I'm surprised you didn't want to talk about it more," Nikola says after a moment, watching me wearily.
"You don't like talking," I reply. "I guessed you'd hate talking about your magic even more."
Nikola stays quiet and I let him. He had plenty of people around him to talk to about his magic or lack of it. Today, my only job was to get his mind off of it.
Sharing the portion is hard, but I manage not to touch Nikola's half and, instead, eat my bones down to the marrow and lick my fingers clean until I'm stuffed—or as stuffed as I can be— before I lay down to let it all digest in the worst way possible.
Nikola watches me with poorly hidden disgust and I can't help but laugh a little while he packs everything away in the bags they'd come in. He moves quietly and I watch him as he does, trying to fit this new version of him into my mind.
Today, Nikola had been honest— blatantly so, quiet, and nice. I hadn't even planned to spend this much time with him, but the day was dwindling and I hadn't thought to look for a way out even once. I knew he wasn't well, but it was the best I'd ever seen him and spending time with him didn't feel like a chore. In fact, it felt... really nice, just like old times.
As Nikola gingerly lays himself down beside me after examining the grass and dirt, he looks at me questioningly as if to ask, 'What next?'.
"Let's play a game."
Nikola's nose wrinkles and I can almost hear the groan he manages to hold back.
"I don't like games," he replies stiffly. My shoulders slump on their own as I try to think of an alternative. "What game did you have in mind?" I
I grin and sit up again, my mind already running a mile a minute with all the games we used to play. Hide and seek. Catch. I spy. A million blades. I'm almost shaking with my excitement, and as Nikola stares up at me with that secret smile of his, I wonder if it's been just as long for him as it's been for me since I had this much fun.
"Cloud searching," I say eventually, laying back down if only to avoid his attention. I stare up at the skies ahead, "We'll look for shapes and things up there."
Nikola shifts beside me, getting comfortable with his hands resting on his chest while we begin to search the skies.
"A dragon!" I shout the minute I spot the jagged edge of the dragon with massive wings soaring up above.
"What type?" Nik asks as if they had different types.
"Dragons aren't real," I dismiss. Nikola stays quiet and I turn to look at him, "Right?"
Nikola turns just enough to pay me a knowing look before he looks back towards the sky as if he hadn't just dropped a dragon bomb on me.
"A bicycle," he says, pointing up at the bicycle in the sky.
"Oop, now it's a unicycle," I mumble as we watch the bicycle tear itself in two. "And now it's just a wheel."
"And now your dragon is just a snail," Nikola replies, pointing to my dragon that's really just a shell-less snail.
I pout and try not to get too attached to our other findings while we go back and forth, picking out the shapes and items the clouds made and then didn't make. Time seems to pass slower than ever, dragging the afternoon on and I don't even mind it.
It's nice, just being here with Nik and looking at clouds and not thinking of exams, or life, or my future that didn't look any more appealing with each new day even though everyone said you just had to make it through the one before.
We were just watching clouds and it was amazing. It is amazing.
At some point, we fall asleep, must do because when I wake up to an orange-lit sky, Nikola is facing me and sleeping. He's so still I'd worry if not for the quiet rise and fall of his chest. He's small too. Not small like a child, but small like... like he's nothing like the monster I've been running from for so long.
It wasn't all in my head, I know that, but... he's just Nikola right now. Just Nikola who at one point was my favourite person in the world and I was his.
Maybe... maybe he could be that Nikola again. Maybe they hadn't been lying when he said he was better and trying, and knew what he did wrong.
Maybe he really was... just like I remembered.
Quietly, Nikola shifts a little as he starts to wake and his eyes blink open, reacquainting him with the world. His eyes find mine, and he tenses until I smile, and then he melts all at once.
"Hey," I mumble, not wanting to disturb this.
"Hey," he replies on a yawn as he frowns a little.
I smile as Nikola looks around curiously, seeming to notice the setting sun and then how much time has passed. It's then that I really notice it and remembered that while I was free to stay out as long as I wanted, Nikola probably had a curfew.
A curfew.
It's like a bucket of ice falls over my head, dousing me with the harsh, cold thing that was reality. Even if Nikola was better and nicer, he was still a teenager and I had no business thinking about some future with a teenager, even if our futures were linked.
"We should head back," I say as I pull myself up to hide the disgust I'm sure shows on my face. "I don't want to keep you out too long."
Nikola doesn't argue or ask questions. Nikola doesn't say a word. In fact, he just stands and grabs our bags filled with empty containers. Soon enough, we're on our feet and walking back to his house, only this time, we don't share a word.
I know how to fill it, but I can't. I just... can't.
We can't reach his place fast enough, but we do eventually and I don't want to linger to speak to him or his parents. I can't with reality knotting its cruel webs around me. But it only takes one look at Nikola stood at his doorstep, looking a second away from crying to stop me from leaving without a word.
"I hope—" I swallow and force myself to smile, "I hope you had fun today."
"I did," Nikola replies quickly, stepping forward a little as if he was going to come with me. "I had the best time today with you."
I can't help the way my smile grows as warmth fills my chest. At least I did this much right, took his mind off things a little.
"I know I can't stop you from spending your time trying to fix whatever is wrong, but can you make sure you take breaks?" I ask, for him, for his parents, and for me. Now that I'd seen him, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from worrying about him. "You look so much better now." And he did. It was just one day, but he looked so much brighter.
Thinking of him returning to how he'd been when I'd first found him had misery turning my insides to ash.
"I will," Nikola promises with nothing but earnestness. "I promise, I will."
I don't realise I'm even holding my breath until it comes rushing out of me, I nod as the relief sets root inside of me, "Maybe you can go look at some clouds."
Nikola smiles so brightly I swear the sun starts anew right in front of me.
"If you text or call," he starts slowly, looking between the ground and me with each word. "Just let me know you're okay each day, it'll make me worry less."
I don't know what I'd been expecting him to say, but that was the furthest thing from it.
Text him? Each day?
No way. No, I couldn't. It wasn't even Nik, not entirely. I mean, to one extent sure, but he was fine— sweet. But to text him... it felt weird to consider given our bond. I had no sort of attraction towards Nikola— thank Goddess, but I knew how he felt about me. He still wore that much on his sleeve.
I glance at Nikola, prepared to deny him, but then I spot that scared, frightened look in his eye again. Like he was terrified he'd just triggered a bomb after asking for something small when you stripped it away.
I could text him. Say hi, at the least.
I nod.
"You will?" He asks, blinking at me like I might disappear.
I nod again, "I will, until you get back your magic," just until then— "I'll call every single day."
Nikola's hands clench at his sides, flexing as he leans forward a little before he steps back. It's like he's barely holding himself together form hugging me, but he does, he holds it together.
"Thank you for coming today," he manages after a breath, back to smiling, but it's a little sad.
"I'll call you tomorrow," I say, needing to at least end this today. He looked too happy, too relieved when I felt anything but.
I take a step back and Nikola watches me, nodding even as his smile slips with each step I take away from him.
I keep walking, but it feels more like running. I think I might be with how each step away from the house and Nikola become more rushed and more desperate, but they're needed.
If I stopped for a second, I changed my mind. A second to breathe, to think, would be too much and I couldn't afford it, not with Nik.
You're the one who left – Zyair says on a whine. You're the one who cut our day short.
I had to – I protest, my frustration escaping me in a groan.
It was bad enough that I'd pushed caution to the wind by coming today, if I spent any more time with that easy-going, sort of funny, kind version of Nikola, I wouldn't be able to leave him, or the pack.
Newfound pain spreads through me with the more distance I put between us, the bond acting as an electric wire that caused my bones to ache and Zyair to howl. There was always agony being so far away from my mate, any werewolf would feel that, but it was so much worse now that I'd spent so much time with him, close to him.
What before was a quiet ache I'd learned to live with, now felt like walking into a lava pit after a dip in the pool, only to find out that they made it hotter than when you left. Strange analogies were a sign that I was clawing at anything to stay conscious.
I felt like I might pass out, only if I passed out in the middle of the street, Goddess knows what Nikola would do.
Nikola.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I groan with each step, already regretting coming here but for entirely new reasons.
I'd thought this would be hell on earth, but it'd just created an entirely new hell instead.
I knew Nikola and his parents hoped that by the time he turned 18, I'd come to know a better version of him, that we could grow to be friends long before we ever dreamed of being mates. But that had never been a reality I'd considered until now.
I try to imagine hanging out with Nikola like I did today, and my chest fills with want and need and absolute longing.
Would it be so bad? Could I do it?
Did it matter when I was twenty and he was a fifteen-year-old kid in their lanky-pimple phase?!
"FUCK!"
Tears prick at my eyes as new misery takes root inside of me, piercing the back of my skull, but it's not the pain that has my vision blurring.
It's because this wasn't fair. None of this was fair.
It wasn't fair that I had to be older. It wasn't fair that I had to wait— to cut the bond or to be with him. It wasn't fair that I spent my nights alone with an empty bed and couldn't even hope to fill it when I knew my mate; only my mate was the one person I didn't want. At least that's what I could comfort myself with before, now, they were just someone I could not have. But most of all, it wasn't fair that I had to deal with all of this on my own.
None of it was fair.
And it really wasn't fucking fair that Nikola had made it all worse today because he'd been perfect.
Gone was the cold, invasive boy that irked me to my core while we grew up. The one that declared at any instance he could that I was his and his alone.
Instead, an almost timid person had taken his place, one that never pushed too hard or went too fast, one that let me take it at my own speed.
He was keeping his word and it was only making it all so much worse.
This wasn't fair.
-------------
I'm convinced no couple has had it as bad as Nikola and Hagen.
Thoughts???????
Thoughts on Teen Nikola???? Thoughts on young-adult Hagen??? Are they totally different from how we know them now or do you see similarities???
Honestly, I was kind of dreading getting to a memory chapter that had them at this age level, but it was something they lived through and pretending otherwise just felt like a cop out.
This was originally an extra on Patreon and I knew it would be in the book somehow, but I wrote it 2 years ago and it was from Nikola's POV then. Nikola's POV is heartbreakingly sweet and sad cause of how much he's scared of scaring Hagen away, but we've already seen that side of Nikola in this book.
I think this extra gave us Hagen kind of realising maybe Nikola isn't all that bad. And it's an important moment because when he does have that thought, he's reminded of Nikola's age and it's just an awful situation all around.
Anyway, I wanted a memory chapter to write cause it's been a while and I really loved writing this alternate version to the original extra.
If you do want to read the original extra, it's called 'Something's wrong with Nikola's magic' and it's available for the all tiers.
Here's a link to a tab with all Nikola's extras on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/collection/190677
Next up, I'm not sure exactly where we're heading next chapter, but I know it involves bullet journals lool. That's all that's blaring in my head right now.
For those curious, I think we're about 65-68% through this book!
Until next time,
Byeeeeeeeeeee Humansssssssssssssssssss