"Lara," my friend, Kali, called. "Come here."
I joined her where she was sitting on a comfy looking chair. "What is it?"
"Doesn't this look dazzling?"
The school year had just started and Kali Liu was already looking at homecoming dresses. Typical.
I laughed. "Kals, please. It's not time for homecoming dresses yet."
"You can never be too prepared." She winked. "Anyways, do you have plans for this weekend?"
Yes. I recognize Daisy's voice.
What? No, we don't.
Please, Lara. I'll do anything. I don't want to go.
As much as I wish to go just to piss Daisy off for pestering me so much, I had to admit, I didn't want to do anything this weekend, either.
"Earth to Lara," Kali said, "Where'd you go?"
I shrugged. "You know me. Off in my head. Thinking. I'm pretty sure I have plans, but I can double check and get back to you."
She'd smiled, and I felt intense guilt creep up inside me. "Okay. Make sure you don't forget."
I smiled back. "I'll try." I was definitely going to forget. It came with my disorder. There were only so many excuses I could give without anybody getting suspicious. I needed to remember to text her back. Just to tell her I couldn't hang out with her this weekend.
I was getting better at lying. Gail thought that it was good. Pepper felt the opposite, saying lying only hurts the liar. I'm sure she's right. I feel intense anxiety and guilt whenever I lie, but I did it anyway. Anything to keep my secret.
Lying keeps us safe, remember that. Alexis. I could recognize their voice anywhere.
I know. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
I groan. Because Alexis just came to the front and is co-conscious, I have a splitting headache. I get these headaches almost every time there's a switch or if there's about to be a switch. It's a hard way to live.
My friends, Kali, Sal, and Max, have all told me to get my headaches checked out. They say it's not normal to have so many, and they are right. Little do they know I already got them checked out, and there's no cure. At least not one that I like.
Improve system communication, the doctors say. The walls between alters will start to come down and the headaches will improve.
Well, I don't want to.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go to therapy for my D.I.D. I can deal with my PTSD just fine, working through my trauma in talk therapy, but no, every time my therapist tries to talk about the fact that I am a system with intense trauma, I shut her down. It's not real. It can't be real.