By xostardustx
Cover: I think your cover is pretty as it is, and obviously tells of a fantasy story inside, but I'm not getting much connection to the moon or blood in it. I mean there's kind of a moon in the corner, and a blue leaf that might play into the blue tree thing in chapter 6? But it just doesn't match with the ideas of the title so well, or bring any sort of eye-catching images to light.
I always like covers that have some kind of central object that plays heavy importance in the story—and writing this after reading chapters, I think the Lunaria flower or the royal insignia might be a perfect prospect! Add a little blood on the sword, or some kind of hint to the battle elements, and you'd have a really clever cover! I also think your author name could be bigger, as you can't really read it at scrolling size as it is. Be proud of your work, plaster that name on, front and center!
Blurb: I think your blurb is actually really clever! It's short and sweet, introduces our MC and her goals, and what's at stake. The only this I would change is maybe not revealing the entirety of what the Moon Gathering entails, as it kind of spoils the shock when we discover it inside the book.
I might go for some more subtle hintings:
When the eldest Moonborn child is of age, all must fight. Only one will make it out. They must give up all they hold dear for the betterment of the magic in their bloodline—even if it costs their humanity.
This is just a suggestion, of course, but I feel like it illustrates an example of what you could do to leave some of the mystery. This definitely feels more eerie and leaves a little bit to wonder about, while also hinting at the obvious sacrifice. I also just think that so having so much background on one specific happening in the blurb is unnecessary, when it's going to be expounded on in the book.
I think the second paragraph could use some work too, especially on what is driving the plot: the Starborn antagonists.
When Calypso's Van Blake's eldest brother comes of age, the siblings are set into turmoil. But the inevitable is postponed when foes of supposed myth wreak havoc on their family.
Calypso must set out to find her missing siblings, and save them from a cursed island. What she finds is more than that—a journey of love, loss, and discovery. There's more to her family than she was ever meant to know, and survival relies on a man she never thought she could trust.
Even if they make it out alive, will she have the courage to return home, where a fate worse than death awaits them all?
A usually go a little overboard when editing blurbs, sorry XD but I think this really illustrates some of what your blurb is lacking: a hint towards the antagonists, snappier language and words with strong connotation to better convey the sense of urgency. You only have a limited time to hook readers, so make sure your blurb is at its strongest!
Chapter 1
I'll just go ahead and say that there's hardly any work to be done on grammar! Great job! But here's my ONE grammar note:
When breaking up text, in dialogue or otherwise a long dash (or em dash) needs to be used in place of a normal hyphen (— vs -). You can see the difference, if Wattpad doesn't swap it XD You may already know this, because Wattpad is notorious for reverting em dashes into single hyphens, hence the reason I don't use them, and instead opt for double en dashes (–, and doubled, ––) which Wattpad seems to hate less. There also shouldn't be a space between it and the words, according to most sources.
What you have: "You know what I mean- it's just hard to feel excited about anything right now."
Corrected: "You know what I mean––it's just hard to feel excited about anything right now."
The Opening:
Oof. Honestly, the beginning is a little hard to read. I'm not really a fan of stories beginning with dialogue, because it instantly bogs down your exposition, and in this case, gives an excuse to go straight into info dumping. I could not wrap my head around everything that was being said in these first few paragraphs, and it's a lot of telling instead of showing.
The funny thing is, I was going to say that you can reveal a lot of this information as the chapter plays out, but a lot of it is re-mentioned later on in the chapter anyway. I think this conversation can be cut down to bare bones, only showing a little of the banter between Calypso and her brother, and leaving a few the lines that hint to the sinister nature of The Moon Gathering. So many things can be shown as the book goes on, or even if the book had started from some earlier event. That's really something that could be worked on for the whole chapter, looking for events that are merely told instead of having any real sustenance, and fixing it by giving them a proper spotlight. Besides, where's the fun in telling the readers every detail of the cruel ceremony here? You could definitely strengthen your hook by leaving a sense of mystery when it comes to all the details, and finally ending the chapter the dramatic note of her father wanting her to carry through with it. Dun dun dun! She has to kill her siblings, cue dramatic gasps.
The Rest:
This chapter is long. And not just word-count wise. There is soooooo much revealed in just a single chapter, that I wasn't really sure where the whole exposition phase of your book went. It just seems like Calypso explained everything on her walk through the town, so we don't need to see any more of her life. They'll just kill each other and The End! But no, I don't want it to work like that, and you don't either.
The world-building provided on her trip to the antique store really was neat. I liked the little details about her interest in the town, the magic and Mrs. Marble's limited abilities in the daylight, Atlas' fondness for glory, and the flowers named after her dying mother. But here's a bunch of hypotheticals for you:
Wouldn't it be more impactful seeing the town at night, learning about its beauty in the moonlight––and it's importance––as we see it, instead of just having Cal tell it? I for one, would really like to bask in that moonlight.
Also, wouldn't it be cooler to see fellow Moonborns' magic in the nighttime, compared to Marble's limited abilities in the day––wouldn't that be more impressive than just telling us the difference?
Could we see Atlas' like for conquest and fighting, maybe even as he joins his father in a battle or returns from one? What about his and Cal's fondness for antiquities? I'd much rather learn about their bond over them through his reaction and pleasant memories when she gives it to him.
And finally, when the king tells us that her mother is dying, wouldn't we feel much more heartache if we actually knew anything about the sick woman laying in bed? Why haven't we met such a vital figure in Cal's life, before she just nonchalantly mentions that she's soon to be dead? The flowers, the ending, the magic world that literally shares a name with the woman, it would all mean so much more if we had seen what she was like, now or even before the sickness.
Now, I know you can't elaborate on all those scenes right here in this chapter––trust me, it's long enough already––but these are all scenes that could either take the place of this long explanation of a chapter, and most of them could even take place in their own chapters before or after, and be completely cut from here. You desperately need to work on showing, because I, and most others, cannot hold interest in a story where I am merely told all the background. I want to see it and use my imagination, picture things and experience vivid details and scenery.
Formatting:
One thing that was on my mind as I was reading is how large and unbroken your paragraphs are. In traditional literature, huge paragraphs that take up the whole page aren't generally frowned upon, but even more so on Wattpad, it's a headache to look at and keep up with as you're reading. I myself read a lot on mobile, and a lot of the paragraphs took up my whole screen. I'd definitely recommend breaking them down some, grouping together important and relevant information at no more than ten sentences, making for more feasible chunks of text.
Chapter 2
This chapter is a lot better done. I got a few of the details I was missing in the former, namely Atlas's reaction to the gift, a bit about his conquests with their father, and a look at their mother. All of which could still be added onto a little more, that way we get a full picture of each and you can even remove some of the info leading up to it from the previous chapter, leaving more for the readers to find out on their own!
Their father is definitely a real piece of work, and the tension you're creating by his utter lack of care is amazing. It's sharply contrasted by Cal's reluctance to follow through, and I look forward to the tension to be introduced by the fact their father wants her to live over any of the others.
As for the rest of it, there was a nice mix of detail and world-building, so I don't have as many qualms, except maybe that the dialogue is still a bit rambling, and could be cut down a lot. Dialogue is honestly only supposed to add things to the story, not be the story, so remember that anything you could express with your characters and plot, it would be much better to see that stuff than just hear it in dialogue—or Cal's constant narration throughout the story.
Chapter 3
I instantly like the fact we're diving more into their mother's condition, how serious it's gotten and how badly Cal feels for not spending more time with her. It's definitely the tension we've been missing since she hasn't interacted much with her mother.
The first real issue I notice is when she wakes up the next morning. There's nothing there to indicate a passing of time, no details to describe her even getting ready to go to sleep. There needs to be some kind of description here about the nighttime, to slow down the pace and make the bridge to the next morning not as abrupt, especially if you aren't using any kind of time-stamp or text break.
One thing I'm noticing is that your prose tends to be long-winded and slightly redundant. You always tend to over explain, rather than leave anything unanswered. You never give your readers an opportunity to make guesses and connections. Just a random example I found in this chapter, but take this paragraph:
Current: After I tidy up the shelf, I shuffle to the bathroom to run a very, very hot bath. The goosebumps on my arms diminish delightfully as I submerge myself in the soapy water. The bath feels amazing but guilt still aches in my stomach. I never went to check on my mother last night. She must think I'm an awful daughter. As difficult as it is to see her suffer, I know that I will have to make an effort to spend time with her today. She will be dying soon and if I procrastinate any longer, I won't have the choice to visit her anymore.
My Edits: After I tidy up the shelf, I shuffle to the bathroom to run a very, very hot bath. The goosebumps on my arms diminish delightfully as I submerge myself in the soapy water. The bath feels amazing but guilt still churns in my stomach. I never went to check on my mother last night. What kind of daughter was I? As difficult as it is to see her suffer, I have to make an effort to spend time with her. If I wait any longer, I'll never get the chance.
The first version is long, and repeats a lot of the things we already know: she thinks she's a bad daughter, and her mother is dying. By simply removing those two phrases, we have a much stronger paragraph that evokes more emotions. Now, the reader can wonder themselves what her mother thinks of her actions, and by simply hinting back to the fact that Calypso only has a limited amount of time with her mother—it's much more impactful than just saying it.
Showing and Not Telling:
Something I've already been pointing to instances of here and there, are places where you can show rather than tell. Using powerful prose and description nearly always has more of an impact on a reader, and allows them to actively use their brains and imagination to make the connections you intend. Now, I'm not saying there aren't times when it's acceptable to glaze over details, specifically in instances where tension is important, but take for example this sentence:
Current: She is fast asleep, but her expression tells me she is either having a nightmare or is still in pain in her dreams.
My Edits: Her eyes are shut tightly, a deep slumber in her heavy breaths. But then they get faster, quickening into pants as her lip twitches and curls into a scowl. Her brows furrow above her once peaceful eyes, now narrowed in a fearful expression.
Simply using a few words to describe her expression makes this sentence so much more powerful. It's obvious something is disturbing her in her dreams, and using words with negative connotations like "scowl," "furrow," and "fearful," help convey that something is definitely wrong.
Another example is: I grimace at the vivid images attacking my brain.
Why not show us more of these images, show her physically covering her eyes with her hands and shirking back in pain or disgust? Just adding some more action and details throughout your narrative will make it much stronger and more interesting to read.
I definitely get a little lost when the compass transports her to a different place. Though the descriptions are strong and entertaining to read, I think it definitely needs some clarity and less flashiness, just making the jump from one place to the other more distinct. I do finally like that we're getting a peek into her daytime magic and the way it works, and the man she meets when she wakes is certainly intriguing...
Chapter 4
I was able to get through this chapter fairly quickly, because there wasn't much I noticed needed work! I really liked the needed change of pace in this chapter, a break from the constant action while still introducing an element of mystery and a brand new setting.
But, focusing on the setting, I did feel like it was a little lacking. You mainly use sight to explain her surroundings as the chapter progresses, but few of the other senses are actually touched on. I want to hear the sounds of the birds and the crash of the waves, for Callie to recognize the smell of smoke before she even steps foot into their clearing. The taste of campfire-cooked fish, the feeling of the rough, handmade walls of their buildings. These are just some ideas, but this chapter is giving a little bit of "white room syndrome" or maybe in this case, "empty clearing syndrome" where all the objects in the setting are appearing on a whim, instead of having Callie engage with anything.
On the other hand, I think your writing is actively progressing in the art of "subtlety." I really liked the hints you gave leading up to Madoxx's reveal of being a former Moonborn, I think it was done really well with the details you gave, from the "knowing looks" to his knowledge in magic, it was just enough to lead to that conclusion, and still be a bit of a shock.
Chapter 5
At the start of this chapter, our pace is instantly bogged down by Callie's realization. These are all things we just found out in the previous chapter, and they really have no need to be reiterated here. I would cut that whole paragraph honestly, and just jump into her shocked reaction and questions, that way the suspense is actively growing and the story is moving along.
I like the body language you use during this conversation too, allowing Callie to come up with a lot of conclusions on her own, without them being said.
The chapter progresses at a decent pace, and I really like the descriptions during the thunderstorm that tie in well to this desolate time. But again, when she wakes—it's just too jarring for my tastes.
Using that, I'm also gonna bring up something that I noticed here, something that will fix two problems at once.
Chapter Length:
I don't know exactly what the length of each of your chapters are, I don't have any way to check the WC—but every chapter is at least enough to be two or three by my standards. The opinion varies by author, but the general consensus seems to be that Wattpad books do better, and a lot of times are better, when the chapters are shorter and broken up into parts that make it easier to read one or two in a sitting. Anywhere from 2k - 5k MAX. As your story currently stands, every chapter is taking me ages to read, so much so that I can't give every chapter as much attention as I want because they're so long to read and there's so much to focus on—and myself, like a lot of readers, have a short attention span when it comes to huge chapters, which just leads to disinterest in general.
Anytime your story has a break where the scene, pace, or the series-of-connected-events changes drastically, is probably a good place to stop your chapter. For example, it's plenty of content for this chapter to just be Callie getting answers from Maddox, then wallowing in her sleeping bag and thinking about what to do next. Honestly, leaving the chapter on an unanswered note like that is a great way to keep your readers hooked and waiting for the next chapter. Then your next can start with her in a panic because the guys are gone—more tension to drive the story!
Now, I'm not saying your chapters are extremely lengthy to a point it's bad, but I just wanted you to keep in mind that shorter chapters are oftentimes better than the longer ones!
I must say, you do an excellent job on some of the more thought-provoking elements in this story. Like the hints in the rest of the chapter that Cal's Moonborn father may not be as righteous as she believes, and that there's so much history to be discovered! I really like the suspense leading up to the ending too, this is the kind of cliffhanger I like!
Chapter 6
I think the tension builds nicely as Callie rushes to her little sister's aid, and hostility raises around them in the crowd. My only issue is, this crowd seems very wishy-washy as to who to support. One second they're listening to Cyrus, then the next claiming they won't harm a child, then they're all chasing after them. I get the whole "mob mentality" thing, but I really think that some of the characters deserve to have an independent say, and be strong and undeterred by the others' opinions.
You do a good job with the chase scene, with strong urgency and suspense. I only wish you chose to keep the sentences a little shorter, snappier, and cut out some of the parts where Callie is slowing down the narrative with her thoughts. There should be one or two moments of hesitation, trying to figure out what to do, but I think it would be better at a single place—one break in the action before it starts strong again.
We have a hooking ending too, when they return to the camp and gather supplies. I thought it was super interesting that Callie chose to sacrifice her magic already, in this desperate situation, and I hope, for her sake, that the consequences aren't too dire. I thought the build up to it was nice, illustrating that she had no other choice but to risk it. Finally, we figure out that Orion is here too, hurt and lost, ramping up the stakes just a little more.
Hi there, Tabitha!
That's all the time I had to review of your book, but I wanted to let you know that I absolutely love the tale you're crafting. The only reason this review is a little more critical is because you didn't have a ton of grammar flaws and technicalities to focus on, which is amazing! Despite that, there were still a few flaws that really bogged down the narrative—I'll summarize them now and give some final tips on what to do better!
Ease of Reading: What this is really referring to is some more Wattpad preference type stuff, namely the size of your paragraphs and chapters. Reading 6 chapters of your book, quite honestly, felt more like half the book (a quarter to be precise, lol) because they're very long. Both in long paragraphs and long chapters, readers can get bored, antsy, and ready to move onto something else. I think you'd definitely benefit from reading some other works on Wattpad, taking note of some of their formatting ways, and reflecting them in your own writing. And it's not just to please the crowd, trying to keep your scenes contained in a specific window sometimes gives you the push you need to cut down on the rambling details, and keep to more of the good stuff!
Slow and Heavy Exposition: You really have a great start on your story, but I must say, it's a lot to swallow right off the bat. I think you're trying too hard to cover all the world-building at once, when it's really a subtle art that has to be spread around and built upon throughout the story. Your first couple chapters desperately need a lot cut from them, or added into different places, so that we're not stuck with a huge wad of information to remember without any reason why. Though I say your exposition is slow, I honestly think it could benefit from having a few more chapters if you're a little more selective about the events you choose to show and elaborate on. I'd like to see more of her family's foundation, more of each sibling (and their mom) so that I can actually distinguish and feel like I know them as individual people—something you need to be sure and consistent with throughout the rest of the story too, giving each a chance to shine.
Excessive Dialogue: In accordance with the last one, there are a few more times than the beginning where a barrage of information is thrown at us, in a single conversation. Dialogue is a really creative and essential part to any story, but it can't just be used as the only way to reveal information and move the story along. And, there are a lot of places where idle, unimportant words are exchanged that just slow down the story for no reason. Really seek out the places where dialogue can shine to reveal relationships and personality, and aren't just used as an easy plot device. Cut any conversations that tell us things we need to figure out on our own, or are just bland humor that actually isn't doing anything.
Showing Vs. Telling: I promise I'm almost done, but the last thing is remembering the importance of description! Your narrative voice and prose is already beautiful, but remember that so many scenes can be made stronger and better by vivid imagery and actions that allow readers to make connections that aren't explicitly given. Use those 5 senses too, give us the full picture whenever we're taking time to slow down and enjoy the scenery.
And finally, keep seeking to better yourself! If you're ever looking for more feedback in the form of readers, keep in mind that this community also offers several book clubs from casual to critique-focused, and can help bring your story to the full potential it has!
Thanks for requesting a review, and remember that all of this is merely, opinion, suggestion, and hopefully even some support! Let me know if you have any questions, and if these suggestions helped! Happy writing!