SEVEN MOONS LATER
Seven moons came and went, seven moons of healing— of trying to forget everything she had endured under the thumb of her husband. Many things changed in Alyarra's life in seven moons. Apart from healing, she had grown into her role of motherhood rather well, she had thrown herself into her son— and into her newborn baby girl. Catherryn, she had called her— a beautiful and healthy girl. The birth had been easy, barely taking two hours.
The first few months without Aemond seemed like hell. It was hard to get used to life without him, to life without his ruling and love. It was hard for her to realize how messed up their relationship was, to realize that she did not deserve the mistreatment he had subjected her to. She had known Aemond for almost two years, two years of emotional torture— of emotional turmoil. He had drained her of all that she was, he had taken her youth and made it his. And even then, she still dreamt of him— of holding him again.
Alyarra had healed her heart, or at least she kept trying to— but every so often, he came to her in dreams. Even when she tried to forget him, she saw him in corners— he stared at her, smirked at her. His ghost watched over her, and over their children. What died did not stay dead, just like with Catherryn— she saw him everywhere. Sometimes she talked to him, sometimes when she could not find sleep— she would go deep into the snowy forest and scream at the sky.
She would question him, ask him why he treated her like he did, why he left her that night— why he didn't love her in a better way. But she never got her answer, and she had to come to terms with the fact that she never would know it.
She saw their relationship for what it was and she could not make it go away— the pain and hurt. Aemond haunted her being, and she couldn't make him go away by making him a villain. No one teaches one what to do when your husband hurts you.
Alyarra also worked on fixing her strained relationship with her brother, it took time— as she had been conditioned to see him as an enemy by her late husband, but piece by piece she was able to forgive Cregan for everything that had happened. It was not easy, not when she had loathed him for months on end, but she did forgive him. He was family, after all— and the only protection she had left. Cregan loved his sister more than he did anything on Earth, and he worked more than hard to get her to trust in him again.
Cregan took care of Alyarra, and he took great care of Baelon and Catherryn. He dotted on his niece and nephew, as he knew that he was the only father figure they would likely ever have.
The war had come to a head when Rhaenyra was aprehended and murdered by Aegon, who was able to overcome most of his illness and take the throne once more. Though even if Rhaenyra was dead, the Blacks did not cease to fight for her cause. Cregan being one of them, because he had made an oath— and even if she was dead, he would never let it go.
Alyarra was sitting in her apartments trying to feed Catherryn when a knock came to the door. "Come in," She would hum, and in came her brother carrying in a wooden trunk. He set the trunk in a corner of the chambers and moved towards his sister, kneeling in front of where she was sitting.
"How is the cutest little lady in all of the land?" Cregan cooed, taking the newborn's tiny hand in his. Alyarra smiled softly and looked at her brother, "She has been fussy since this morrow, she does not wish to eat. The wetnurse is supposed to bring over some milk porridge to see if she takes to it." she answered him.
"And Baelon?" He asked, his eyes drifting to the toddler who was playing on the floor with a wooden dragon. "He's very agreeable, as always." Alyarra answered with a small shrug. Cregan smiled and took a deep breath, standing up and moving to the trunk he had brought over.
"I had little coats made for them out of the finest furs in all of the North." He said as he opened the trunk and pulled out the cutest and tiniest outfits for both Baelon and Catherryn. "Most of Baelon's are matching with Rickon." Cregan chuckled, referring to his own son and Baelon's cousin.
"Thank you, brother. You are sweet. I bet they will be kept most warm in them." She chuckled as she cuddled Catherryn close to her chest. Cregan smiled at his sister and took a small breath.
"Tis not the only reason why I came, sister." Cregan said, moving to sit down besides Alyarra and taking one of her hands in his. "I promised the late Queen Rhaenyra that I would ride for her, and I will do good on my promise. I am taking my army and marching south to King's Landing." He told her.
"But why? Aegon is King. He has won the war. What good does you marching south do? You will exhaust your men for no reason." Alyarra said through gritted teeth. Cregan frowned, "You don't know?" he asked.
"Know what?" She asked. "I got a raven last night... Aegon was poisoned. I am riding to the capital to seek justice... and I..." Cregan took a beat before continuing. He squeezed her hand and took a deep breath.
"I want you and Baelon to come along." He finally said, a statement which made Alyarra shake her head almost instantly. "Why would we come along? No. Absolutely not. I do not wish to visit King's Landing. Why should I? Why should Baelon?" She asked, her tone becoming frantic with each passing question.
"Alyarra, listen to me." Cregan brought his hand to her cheek, "Now that Aegon is dead, Baelon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. Aegon's side won the war, and the only heir from his side is Baelon." he explained. Alyarra frowned and then she let out a cold and dry laugh.
"Over my dead body, Cregan. I will not subject my baby to that. He's a child! Not even of two years of age!" She contested, anger bubbling to the surface in a rapid pace. Cregan rolled his eyes slightly, "This is his right, Alyarra! I would be his regent! I would protect him as I have been doing for the past moons... Just imagine how good this would be for our house." he replied.
Then it dawned on her. No man ever protected her just because. They all had an agenda, including her older brother. "Really, Cregan? You would be willing to thrust my child unto the throne just for more power?" She asked in sheer disbelief.
Cregan scoffed, "Nor for power, but because this is his right! Tis what he deserves. The throne is his to claim, not anyone else's. And with my support, no one would contest it. Why do you not see that this is good for him? If he doesn't get the throne then he stands to be heir to nothing!" he shot back.
"And why do you not see how this is a horrible idea? That throne took everything from me. It took my innocence, my happiness, my best friend, and my husband. What else will it have to take for you to understand that I just want to be as far away from it as possible?" She asked him, her voice breaking as she recalled her time spent in King's Landing.
"The war took those things from you, not the throne." Cregan answered.
"That throne did. The ambition to have it from everyone around me did. You have no idea what I went through in King's Landing, brother. No fucking idea, and you wanting to take me back there just shows how little you truly care for me. It shows that you only care for yourself and for House Stark." She could not contain the tears that began to spill from her eyes.
"I know that what happened to Catherryn was traumatizing, and that Aemond was hardly a perfect husand but I do care for you. I only want Baelon to get what he deserves." Cregan pressed, prompting her to shake her head. She stood up from her seat and moved to place her baby girl in her craddle.
Then she turned to Cregan, "You have no idea what it was like... What happened to me within those castle walls. You've no idea..." She cried, prompting Cregan to stand up and rush to her.
"Then tell me, Alyarra. Make me understand why you despise King's Landing as much as you do." He urged her.
Alyarra turned away from Cregan and bit her lip. Could she really speak out loud every single thing that she went through? She knew in her mind that they were wrong, but she had never admitted it out loud. Could she really do it? Perhaps confessing was the only way for her to move foward.
"Aegon... he... when I got back to the Keep after Arra's funeral... he assaulted me, Cregan. He pinned me to a wall and he groped me... he said that he loved me..." Alyarra started, "And when the war started... Aemond... he um..." Cregan was speechless as he stared at his sister, his heart threatening to leap from his chest as he waited for her to continue.
"He didn't know how to cope, not really... and he um... he..." She could not speak the words, because if she did— it would all become too real.
"What did he do to you, Alyarra? Tell me now." Cregan was angry at the mere thought of Aemond hurting her physically. He already knew that he was a kinslayer and a murderer, but if he laid his hands on his sister— Cregan would lose it.
"There were a few nights where... he just took me in a manner that was not... that I could barely handle... and I had just had Baelon so it was really painful... and..." She was shaking as she recalled her body after those nights, how she hated looking in mirror because of how bad she had been bruising. She recalled how Catherryn used to think he had beaten her.
It was not alright. That was not love.
"So he raped you?" Cregan asked in a shaky manner.
"No! He... I wanted to... I was his wife but... it just... wasn't easy..." Alyarra's voice got smaller as she looked at her brother. Cregan shook his head, "It was marital rape, Alyarra. You did not want it, did you?" and at this she remained quiet. Cregan lost it, giving into the rage that pumped through his veins.
He let out a frustrated yell, grabbing a vase from the tea table and throwing it against the wall in a fit of pure anger. "Stop it!" She shrieked, cowering backwards from her brother. "He raped you! He raped you and you almost killed yourself for him?" Cregan was shouting now, unable to tame his anger. And the way he spoke made Alyarra feel shameful.
"If I would have known you would react like a brute then I wouldn't have told you!" She spat, now angry at his terrible handling of the situation. No man had ever shown her kindness and love, not one. No one would ever understand.
Cregan took deep breaths to calm himself down, then he moved to sit back down— burying his face in his hands. "That's not all, Cregan..." She said quietly, biting her lip. Cregan remained unmoving, as if prompting her to continue speaking.
"When Aemond left for Rook's Rest after Catherryn died... my guard... he um... he did things to me while I was under the influence of poppy milk..." It was the first time that she had spoken those words, the first time that she had acknowledged the abuse that Benjamin had put her through.
It was painful, especially because she couldn't remember it— and because her baby girl's eerie resemblance to him confirmed what Aemond had said— Benjamin had raped her. Though she ignored the girl's features that were just like his in an attempt to avoid the heart shattering truth.
Cregan let out a strangled cry, bursting out into loud sobs as he cried into his hands. Alyarra watched her older brother break down and remained quiet, unsure of what she could possibly say to make everything better. For him and herself.
After a few minutes of silence she said, "It was not easy... life in King's Landing, especially after you declared for Rhaenyra and I do not blame you for what you did, but I was left defenseless... You left me defenseless." She told him softly, moving to sit down besides her weeping brother.
"But I do not put the blame on you... he was supposed to protect me. The both of them... they were my protectors and they did not protect me ..." She whispered solemnly, causing Cregan to weep harder.
"I was supposed to protect you as well. I am your brother, your lord... I should have known better than to send you off with those Targaryens. I would've called you back home if I had known. I could have prevented all of this..." He spoke in a solemn manner.
"Should have, would have, could have... There are many things that could have been done but it's all over now and I am begging you to forget the throne... I do not wish for it. I do not want to go back to King's Landing, brother..." Alyarra pleaded, resting her head on his shoulder.
Cregan nodded, "I understand. Though I will still ride forth to the capitol, I have to make sure that whatever happens with the crown is fair and just." he said and Alyarra nodded.
After a few seconds, she spoke again. "You know... I think... I am glad that Aemond is dead." She confessed, looking at the corner of the room where his ghost stood. He had been standing there all along. Her eyes teared up as she stared at the man that she loved, or who she thought she loved. She wasn't sure anymore
Love was not supposed to hurt. It was supposed to be kind, it was supposed to be warm. It was supposed to be all consuming, in a good way. Love was not what she had with Aemond. Love was good, and it was not what Aemond showed her.
Because his love was cruel.
It was a crisis of her faith.
It was mean.
It was uncaring.
It was rough.
It was abusive.
It took months for her to realize that he was better off dead. But it would take years for her to forget the memories that haunted her mind.
It would take years for her to forget him.
And perhaps she never would.