SAM POV ÷
A warm bed, dry clothes, and the sound of heavy rain. I opened my eyes to find myself in the room I used in Mon’s house. I felt tired and cold and could barely open my eyes, but I was thirsty to see her or hear her voice. I felt weak and needed her by my side. The light was dim, but when I turned my head, I saw her ...standing in front of the window with her hands in her pocket, quietly watching the rain. I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt relieved and safe to see her in the room with me and for me. In the end, she did not leave me alone even though I was causing her a headache. At a time when she is dealing with the loss of her father.
"I'm sorry "
that's the only thing that came from my mother and i couldn't stop myself from crying.
The doctor said You should rest, do not leave the bed.”
she said that coldly, then she came towards me and touched my forehead and i was feeling nothing but the need to hold her tight and sleep in her arms.
when she made sure that i was fine, she wanted to leave, but i held her hand weakly, i needed her with me and i want nothing but warm huge for minute.
She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, surprised at what I was doing, but her look was not as cold as usual. Inside, I was happy, even if the meaning of that look was pity
"Please do not leave, please "
i said that while i was crying she
gently pulled her hand from me hand but i couldn't accept seeing her leaving because i was scared she will leav the house so got got out of bed weakly and almost fell but she had catch me and when i was waiting to find myself on the ground i found myself in her arms so hugged her tightly and you don't understand but i was ready to die there in that room after that hug.
She hugged me for a few moments, then picked me up and put me back on the bed without saying a word. For the first time after all these years, she was warm to me....and you have no idea how much i was happy and emotional.
"Please, please, do not leave. I am sorry for everything. I swear I will do anything to fix what is between us, I love you and I am ready to die for you"
i said with difficulty between her sobs.
"There is nothing between us to be fixed, don't leave bed again, you need to rest."
Mon said that as she covered me tightly to keep me warm while I was crying and begging for her touch.
" You must eat so can you take your medicine, i will prepare breakfast and Your temperature has dropped. You will regain your full health tomorrow if you stick to bed today."
Mon said that and then left the room while avoiding looking into my eyes to see my tears. It seemed that she was pitying me and I was fine with that if she allowed herself to be warmer with me. She took care of me and fed me sometimes when I was unable and I will not deny that I was I enjoyed it even though it was clear that she was annoyed.
Two days passed and I started to get better thanks to Mon who was taking care of me.
Even though she wasn't talking to me much or showing a warm side to me, I could feel that somewhere in her heart there was... There was something for me, even if it is small spot and I will not lie to you the idea encouraged me to try to get another opportunity to show her how much I love her.
But all my focus and thought was on the results of the tests. I was really afraid and worried, even though Mon seemed didn't even remember that and that's what made me want to stay around her.
She didn't care about her health and wasn't thinking about how serious the matter was .
On that day, I called Dr. William to ask him about the results of the tests, and he told me that he would inform me as soon as they appeared, and I remember well that I was not able to eat dinner well, even though I was like an obedient girl. I ate everything, even if I had no appetite, so mon would be satisfied with me but the Announcement day of the results. I was very terrified, and it was clear.
after dinner, I was sitting in front of the heater, praying for something good and that my fears were just illusions inside my head. Suddenly the phone rang and I felt that my heart was almost stopping from fear.
I gathered my strength.
I answered the phone, and it was Dr. jane who conducted the tests.
"good evening Can I speak to Miss Mon?"
"Of course... wait a minute please"
I said that in a shaky voice, and my legs could barely hold me up.
"Mon, please come here."
I called to Mon who was in her room and after a few seconds, she left her room, looking at me as if she was checking me to see if I was okay,
"umm....the results... please come."
I said that in a weak voice, trying to hide the panic that was clearly visible on me.
Mon came down with indifference, fear, or anxiety and took The phone to talk to the doctor while I was on the verge of fainting. She was listening to what the doctor was saying with features that could not be understood from her, but based on the conversation and what I heard, the results were good but I could not stop myself or wait for Mon to end the call, it seemed that the doctor was talking to her and advising her about something and that scared me to be honest so I called Dr. William who knew that I was worried, and without waiting a moment, he reassured me and told me that the results were good but that does not mean that we are safe or everything was fine and that we should expect the worst at any moment and she need to be careful and take care of herself I didn't care what he said later, but I was happy that she was fine at that moment, and that was all that mattered. I hung up the phone and turned around to find Mon looking at me with a raised eyebrow while I almost jumped from my joy....I didn't wait a moment and hugged her tightly, because I was ready to take a bullet from her at that moment but I didn't care. I needed to hug her... i was happy because the girl i love was fine.
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It was 10 pm
I was sitting in front of the heater, thinking about what had happened the previous two days and how things were starting to get a little better.
Mon was no longer pushing me away from her like she used to.... For a moment, I thought that maybe I had a chance and that Mon would accept me... one day.
the doorbell rang and When I was trying to stand up to open the door, Mon already opened the door and closed the door with a small box in her hand.
She went to the kitchen and then came with two plates, two glasses and a bottle of wine...... I swear that at that moment my heart almost stopped. DOES SHE STILL REMEMBER?
I was looking at her with wide, Tears eyes unable to close my mouth or say anything.
"You should have spent your birthday with your family"
Mon said that and then she sat on the sofa that I was leaning on while I was sitting on the floor
"you ... you still remember!!"
I said that while I was still trying to comprehend what was happening.
" your sister called while you were sleeping and She was worried... said she was going to leave you a message, anyway It's not my business but your family are worried about you."
She said that while she was sipping from the glass of red wine in her hand and looking at the fire in the fireplace that was in front of her.
annoying voice inside my head was telling me that maybe that night would be my last night at Mon's house and the idea was hurting my heart.
I understood what she was trying to say and decided at that moment to enjoy the moment. For the first time in my life, I was spending my birthday with her... and perhaps for the last time.
After moments of strange silence, I blew out the candles, and in my head was one wish that I was ready to do anything to achieve.... I felt her looking at me while I closed my eyes and prayed to God for something that seemed like a distant dream. ....After that, I cut the cake and put a piece on a plate and presented it to her without saying anything, i put some cake on my plate as well.
Another thing I learned at that moment. She no longer ate cakes and sweets like children as she used to do before, and that made me feel that the girl I was almost madly in love with was no longer what I remembered, almost no longer the same person.
After two or three bites she went back to drinking wine while looking absently at the fire, and It was clear that she was still sitting there because she had something to say.
"If I beg you to let me stay, will you change your mind?"
I said that and then looked at her with puppy eyes.
"Nope, your staying here has no meaning or justification. You are hurting both of us.
She said that in a calm and cold voice.
"I expected that."
I said that and then I swallowed the lump in my throat and then i added:
"You know that I love you, right?...I love you so much that....to the point I am ready to die for you."
I said that while my tears began to fall as I looked at the fire in front of me and I felt it in my heart.
"Do not believe these voices in your head ... you feel guilty and are trying to atone for your sins so tonight I will free you from this feeling... I forgive you for what happened.
actually, I forgave you a long time ago because it was not just your fault... I was an adult at that time and I had Option to refuse So if there is only one person to blame and its me not you ....so you are free sam, you can move on with your life."
Mon said that in the same cold and calm tone, but I swear every word was like a bullet in my heart.
"You think I'm still here just because I want to get forgiveness... yes i want you to forgive me but it's not the only reson ... i'm here because I care about you. I'm here because I love you and I can't bear the thought of staying away from you"
I said that while crying bitterly.
"well, Do not believe the illusions in your head. You will be fine and you will move on when you forgive yourself."
Mon said that while looking at me with an blank face as if my tears were not affecting her or that she knew how to hide her feelings.
Her words reminded me of what I told her when I told her not to believe what she was feeling when she said she love me and i rejected her love .... damn it was hurts.
I was crying and there was nothing to extinguish the fire inside me except the bottle of drink on the table in front of me.
"Do you hate me?"
" At first yes, but now... no.
At moment I realized that I was the reason for everything that happened to me. You were a red flag, but I ignored it the signs"
Mon said that in the same calm, cold, indifferent tone that was driving me crazy.
"Is there still a feeling in your heart for me?"
I said as I looked at her, searching for an answer in her eyes because I knew what would come out of her mouth would add fuel to the fire that was burning my heart.
"Nope"
she said simply, quietly and it was provoked me.
as I was feeling the effect of the drink, I did not feel myself but i found myself straddled her lap, holding her t-shirt with one hand, and touching her cheek with the other hand while looking into her eyes.
"Say that while looking into my eyes... Do you still feel something, even if it is just... Feelings of care."
I said that while I was crying and trying to see something in her eyes that would give me some hope.
"No, I don’t feel anything, no love, no hate. I admit that I loved you in the past to the point that I accepted to be <<one of the girls>>but now I despise that dumb girl who was throwing herself into your arms for sex."
Mon said that while looking at me directly. I was looking in her eyes to see something telling me that she was lying, but nothing. That made me cry uncontrollably.
"Please hit me, curse me, punish me, kill me, but don’t say that."
I said that while I was hitting myself I had no control over myself. I wanted to feel pain other than the pain of my heart. I almost fell backwards, and for a moment I closed my eyes, expecting my head to hit the edge of the table that would have split my head in two, but that did not happen. After a few moments, I realized that she was holding me, hugging me to protect me and Prevent me from falling.
She was looking at me directly and I felt as if she was looking into my soul while she was holding me to prevent me from falling. As for me, I was crying and I felt my heart being torn apart because I knew the end of that conversation.
"You're hurting yourself, you know that, right?
and nothing will change"
Mon said with a cold face and brushed away the strands of hair on my face with her soft, warm fingertips.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry....."
I was repeating that as a chant and I hugged her tightly and buried my face in her neck, crying like a child, and what surprised me was that she did not push me away, but rather hugged me with one arm and patted my back with the other hand.
After i calmed down, I moved away from her a little to see her face. She was looking at the heater behind me with emotionless eyes.
at that moment I had one idea in my head: If this was my last night with her, I wanted to give myself to her, to be hers.
Hesitantly, I reached out to her face and turned her face towards me. My heart was beating so fast and literally felt like I was losing my breath.
I didn't wait a moment and placed my lips on hers... I started kissing her to taste her lips, which were a thousand times more delicious after all these years, but what was painful was that she did not respond to my kisses. She left me kissing her as if she was giving me what I needed to calm me down as if I were a child crying for candy.
After a few moments of kissing her, I moved my lips away from hers and looked at her. There was no change in her facial expressions, as if she did not feel anything. And believe me, death was easier than that idea that flashed through my head.
....Yes, I expected that she would no longer love me, but I did not expect that she would be was honest that she didn't feel anything for me.
"and what's the point of this? You know it won't work,"
Mon said coldly.
"I don't care and I'm not asking you for anything. Just let us forget everything tonight. Please just give me tonight because I know it's all I have with you."
I said and pushed myself toward her. More
" even if it's just sex for me?!"
Mon said that while looking at me as if she wanted to see the pain in my eyes when she said that,
" yes, I just want to be with you... Your not loving me will not change the fact that I love you .... I love you more than you can imagine."
I said that as I caressed her cheek, then I took her hand and placed it on my chest to encourage her while my lower body rubbed against hers and I looked into her eyes with love and desire and everything in me screamed for her touch... and you can say i saw something at that moment but i didn't understand what it was.
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