So I have been thinking a lot lately about my New Year's Eve experience. The question,
"Does he think I'm cute?"
For sure has been answered. He does. Now, guess what genius thought popped into my head?
"Would he date me?"
Go ahead and take a second to groan or roll your eyes. I get it. I just can't go back to being a hook up or a fling. Or if another woman approaches him and also says he is cute, is he gonna fuck her? I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't want to start having feelings and then have sex. It will only amplify what I'm feeling. I need to talk to him and set some things straight.
I value our conversations and how he is always encouraging. Jared has become a wonderful aspect of my life, I don't want to lose. Since we haven't done anything other than snuggling, maybe we can both walk away uncontaminated. What I mean by that is, I can tell him how I feel. He can chose to date me or not. If not, we can go just back to how things were before New Year's Eve. No hard feelings, I wouldn't really expect him to date a 22 year old. That's why I am dreading talking to him about this. I wish I was more... whimsical let's say, to sleep with him and be nonchalant. Yet, friends with benefits always end up leading me to heartbreak. I always fall.
I always end up getting hurt and it manifests into this envy for that suburban life. My thoughts start like this,
"Damn I wonder how he likes his socks folded??"
"Does he like white or red sauce?"
"What's something he needs but hasnt gotten around to buying for himself?" (Other than hoodies).
"What kind of shampoo does he use?"
These are not thoughts someone should have going into a casual fling. I am incapable of casual. I want to see what he's like away from my dad and his son. I keep having this fantasy where I had enough money to buy Daytona 500 tickets and airline tickets for us to escape away to Florida for a week. If he was in my apartment and we had a whole week to just figure us out. There is no us, though. I know that, and it isn't very practical to think like this.
It's just frustrating because I swore after I was done with Gene, I wanted an adorable farm boy, who is humble and does man things. I can't help that I found my adorable farm boy. Just kinda sucks he is my dads best friend. I have an impossible time reading him. At least, there's no whining shit from him like in my generation. I am a capable woman, but damn I wish a man could just handle things sometimes.
My father told me that Jared called him to assure him I was making good choices and vouch for me. I didn't know that, he just did it. No whining, no complaining. Such a change from my ex. I think I'm so attracted to him because, well his smile of course, and he is the only man capable of not being scared of my dad. It is nice to not be with such a pussy, who complains the first second my dad gives him shit. I understand my father is a lot, but I am there for support and I have to take shit too, suck it up.
I got mad over at Jared's the other day. My father and I went for a typical visit. Before this visit though, my father had told me to stop dressing so nice because it looks like I try too hard. I was pissed right the fuck off by that comment. First, all of my outfits are classy. Second, I dress for the lifestyle I want, not like I own three t-shirts and the same set of pants. Third, fuck off before I punch you in the throat. So, I wear jeans and a t-shirt. In the grand scheme of things, I still look good enough. I even wore the doctor who shirt my mom had that was cut to make my tits look good. Just to clarify, she didn't cut the shirt for me. She cut it for herself, then when she died, I found it in her room.
There is this car show on in Jared's garage. It has this blonde girl, with a lot of (granted it looked perfect) makeup, and a booby tank top. I was pissed because this girl who isnt under her father's thumb gets to dress how she wants? And to top it all off John says,
"Damn, look at her."
Then disappears into the house for ten minutes. Draw your own conclusion. Upon returning my dad says,
"Johnny look at the chick now, she is in a dress and is wearing makeup!"
Strike two. My father has one more bullshit comment I can tolerate before he reaches his word count. I say,
"She wears makeup in the shop too, dad."
I am so angry, when that bitch wears a dress, it's 'oh look at that how cute.' When I wear a dress (and a casual one at that, not an evening gown or anything crazy) it's,
"You look like your trying too hard."
I am still heated and the show is wrapping up. The car guys are trying to sell a green Ferrari (looks so ugly, it's neon green) and the car has a giant metal sign attached to it with the car shop's name. My father says,
"That's so annoying, putting a name plaque on the car like that. It reminds me of when women wear a necklace with their name on it."
Strike three fucktard. Always with the judging of what women wear, but all you wear is shit shirts and cargo shorts. To avoid making a scene, I stand up and leave quietly. I text my father that I was going to get dog food for Sunflower. I admit I cried a little in the car.
I am never going to get my freedom back. I used to live in Florida, in my own apartment. I had my own rules, I could stay out if I wanted, I could stay in too. I had the choice to decide what to do with my time. Now, I am policed down to what I wear. I long for a day where I can wear what I want, and not give a single fuck what my father says. Even when I work up the courage to do that, he will probably just alter plans so I am not over there with Jared all dressed up.
My father doesn't suspect there is anything going on anymore, but I know he isnt stupid about it either. I have to walk the line of subtle, classy, and sexy. I want to look nice and build a reputation for myself that I dress classy even when standing in a garage. That's the woman I am. Fuck the thought that says it's for Jared or John. It's for me, it's so I have the confidence to be myself. Lord knows that shit has been hard to do lately.
Jared texts me almost everyday, which is great, but I get so flustered and panicky on what to respond. Read the brain dead shit I've been peddling to this poor man. I'm gonna start with the day I left angry to go get dog food.
Monday 5:31pm
J: Why are you in a sour mood
M: I'm sorry I don't mean to be. I don't wanna bring anybody down. im just tired today
J: Ok. Well you arent bringing anyone down I want you to have fun and be happy
M: i appreciate that. im trying to be. im losing my resolve to weather my dad's comments. he just has something negative to say about most of the shit i do lately
J: Wanna know why?
M: why?
J: Because he is your dad. We are supposed to look after you. Just needs to find a little better way to convey it.
I walked back through the gate to Jared's house at this point and went inside to use the bathroom.
J: Where did you go
M: bathroom haha im coming back just had to pee *sidewayz laughing emoji
J: Oh. Thought you left. Lol
M: i understand he wants to protect me, that's what makes it so ironic. it's not always about protecting me though, it's complicated haha
M: no ofc not, hanging out with u makes california bearable *laughing emoji x2
J: Ofc?
M: of course
J: Blush emoji**
M: thanks for asking i appreciate it *cowboy hat emoji
After I left the bathroom and came out with the intention to drink white claws and focus on the fact: Jared cares enough to ask. I decided to focus on the positive of the day. As I continued to drink more, I got a little bit more... what's the word? Observant? Of Jared's butt. I wanted to check him out and see what I was working with. I felt as if I never looked at his body too much, I was always looking at his face and trying not to get caught looking at him. My drunk brain had the most genius thought. If I stood behind my father so he couldn't see me, and stayed on Jared's right side, he couldnt see me looking.
I never mentioned this before but Jared is blind out of his right eye. It's from an accident as a child. Fun fact, he still has the stuffed bear from that hospital visit, laying on his bed. It needs a little repair, but it's still adorable and floofy.
Back to my main point, I was standing in what I like to call: the blind spot. Where I can oogle and look him up and down. I am definitely attracted to him. He has a nice butt, and great skin. Like his skin is better than mine, rest in peace me. Got a little beer belly, but hey my ex was somewhere in the 300 lb range. I am a bigger lady and I don't even drink beer, who am I to judge? He looks great. I can't believe I chickened out on sleeping with him.
Jared grabs a razor blade that is magnetized to the electrical panel, and shaves a little off his face. That's when I notice he shaved since our kiss! I had mixed feelings about that. On one had it was pokey, but on the other it was scruffy in manly way. I figure he probably thinks men should shave their faces so the ladies don't get scratched. I bet my left titty, his logic is some gentlemanly ideology. I shall find out next time I have a chance to see him one on one. I keep wondering when that will be?
As my father and I were leaving, I turn to John to give him a fist bump. He does, reluctantly. I go to give one to Jared, and he knocks it away and pulls me in for a hug. Teehee, yay. As we're walking to the car Jared says,
"Behave and get home safe."
My dad gets in the car, and I turn around and say in my best flirty, slightly drunk voice,
"Does that include me?"
Jared smiled and said to text him when I got home.
Monday 9:59 pm
M: just got home, getting ready for bed
J: Okie dokie. Im just starting to close up the garage
M: dont freeze **cold emoji
J: Too late. Lol
J: Seems it dropped 20 degrees in 10 mins
M: oh no *single tear face emoji
M: crawl under the blankies and warm up haha
J: Thank you silly
M: Angel face emoji**
I use too many of those fucking emojis. Which ironically enough I never use them, I only start when I like someone, oof I'm weird. Now here is where our texting gets awkward. I feel like I'm starting to panic and over think responses and it really shows. Look at this crap.
Tuesday 7:59pm
J: You awake?
M: yeah what's up?
J: Just checking on you.
M: oh thanks *smile* how are things?
J: Cold. Lol
M: haha this winter is starting to feel like it'll never end *cold emoji*
I am cringing all over again. No wonder he didn't respond. A couple weeks back I bought Jared's Christmas present, it's a digital drawing of his tortoise Robby and had it printed in a metal frame ornament. I wrote in the card,
"Merry Christmas! + Happy New Year. Sorry this gift arrived at a tortoise's pace. Here is to all the positive things to come in the future. The Holidays won't be hard forever."
I was so nervous it was way too sentimental for after what happened in his bed the other day. I ordered it before that, but the timing seemed weird I'll admit. I hope he remembers me mentioning it a few weeks ago, but it was a man listening so I wouldn't bet on it.
Wednesday 2:20pm
J: I got my cute little ornament. Thank you *blush emoji*
M: oh good, you're welcome :)
J: Im dying sick
M: i hope you feel better
M: sounds like u need some good soup haha
J: *Soup image*
J: Just made a bowl. *smiley emoji*
J: Third one today
J: I didn't even go to work
M: looks yummy *smile tongue emoji*
M: it's always good to rest up rather than strain yourself
J: Ok. Hot ass shower down. Another bowl of soup done, back in bed.
I bet it was a hot ass shower. Just kidding I really said,
M: that cold doesnt stand a chance with a gameplan like that
J: Lol
M: im soo ready for saturday
J: Sweet
Saturday is my first day of orientation at my new job. I'm so nervous. I'm not ready in the slightest. I just wanted to extend the conversation, but I botched it. I sound so cringe lately. Today I texted him despite me being socially special.
Thursday 11:07am
M: How are you feeling?
J: Ive felt better thats for sure
M: :( sorry to hear that, have u tried an Emergen-C packet??
J: Ive heard of them but never had one
J: Had plenty of oj last night
J: Problem is no my body is sore from coughing.
M: aw well i hope tomorrow is a better day
M: my last suggestion is to steal that bibbidi bobbidi bitch's magic wand and boop yourself back to full health *side ways laughing emoji*
I was so nervous sending that. I wasn't sure if it was funny or not.
J: That's what I need
M: Haha
I laughed. If you ever feel like you're a bad texter, look at this and be proud you at least didn't laugh at your own joke. I shouldn't be allowed a phone after this. Texting is for socially responsible people, I have fucking issues.
I feel like I need to be like I was before New Year's Eve, ballsy. I need to be unapologetically me, and think 'I'm not trying to get anyone here. I am just trying to be friendly.' Since, the kiss my brain is scrambled like the eggs Jared made for me the next morning. I think the best course of action is to make an effort to see him one on one.
I need to explain to him that, I do not think we can sleep together because my heart cannot handle casual. I understand if he doesn't want to try going out because I'm so young. Also he has a business to run, and a day job. Not to mention his son and the diabetic complications that go along with it. I truly understand, how foolish it sounds for us to go out. I just hope he can understand that for my heart's sake it can't go farther than we've taken it, without the romancing aspect.
I want the love and the time together. I want all the cute things that go along to being with someone. I shall let you know what happens next.