𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐎𝐍𝐄, xolo...

By -achillesheeI

16K 714 412

extended summary inside! in which maeve tanner and xolo maridueña are proof that hate and love are not so di... More

o. the last one
one. am i bovvered
two. if i was that pretty i'd be kind of mean too
three. that's not very feminist of you
four. caffeine and spite
five. a digital footprint rivalled by only that of medusa
six. if you ruin my kissing career
seven. i can take constructive criticism
nine. i can't believe you masterminded me
ten. you could sell your arm for a good few thousand now
eleven. now's the time to add her on pokémon go
twelve. strong platonic feelings
thirteen. let me know when to expect to be shanked for being team jacob
fourteen. short and emotionally inarticulate
fifteen. the permanent evidence of your own stupidity
sixteen. invisible strings my dear
seventeen. i am an absolute fucking fool
eighteen. at least you're self aware
nineteen. he's heartbroken over the betrayal of jake gyllenhaal
twenty. i think ones stabbing me in the ass right now
twenty one. get in the bed and see what happens
twenty two. i wanted my career just to be nepo brother
twenty three. will i get to witness ralph macchio playing beerio kart
twenty four. this is a hoes before bros world
twenty five. maybe distance would make the heart fonder
twenty six. don't back to december me
twenty seven. what do i know of oregon
twenty eight. latino boys anonymous
twenty nine. if this pub quiz ends my relationship
thirty. you are the hottest evil genius ever

eight. this is courtney henggeler's show

464 25 18
By -achillesheeI

TEAM TANNER!!!🥳🥳 (WHO LET OLLIE NAME THIS)
❪ three participants ❫

MAEVEY WAVEY
ollie

OLLIE WOLLIE
no

MAEVEY WAVEY
ollie

OLLIE WOLLIE
no

MAEVEY WAVEY
ollie

OLLIE WOLLIE
no

MAEVEY WAVEY
alex
alex
alex
alex i know you're reading this
stop ignoring me

ALEX WALEX
no

MAEVEY WAVEY
you guys are bastards

OLLIE WOLLIE
i'll tell mom you called me a
bastard

ALEX WALEX
you literally are a bastard

OLLIE WOLLIE
shut up

MAEVEY WAVEY
i'm coming home this weekend
be fucking excited about it

OLLIE WOLLIE
will you take me out for a drive
when you come home

MAEVEY WAVEY
too soon you little dickhead

OLLIE WOLLIE
😃

ALEX WALEX
why are you coming home

MAEVEY WAVEY
oh maeve i'm so excited you're coming
home i can't wait to see you

ALEX WALEX
you live twenty minutes away maeve

MAEVEY WAVEY
should've moved further away

OLLIE WOLLIE
:(

MAEVEY WAVEY
don't you start with that now you
little demon
anyway
have either of you heard of cobra
kai

ALEX WALEX
the karate show?

OLLIE WOLLIE
seen it

MAEVEY WAVEY
do you feel like watching it again

OLLIE WOLLIE
do you feel like teaching me to drive

MAEVEY WAVEY
oliver you're so unfunny it's painful

ALEX WALEX
he gets it from you

MAEVEY WAVEY
he gets it from mom

ALEX WALEX
that's sexist

MAEVEY WAVEY
HOW is that sexist

OLLIE WOLLIE
i'll watch it all again if you buy me
popcorn

MAEVEY WAVEY
sure
alex what do you require to meet
your conditions to watch it with us

ALEX WALEX
a car

MAEVEY WAVEY
you're actually less funny that ollie

ALEX WALEX
:)
why do you want to watch cobra
kai anyway
you hate new tv shows
and violence oriented tv shows
and men oriented tv shows

OLLIE WOLLIE
it's because maeve's new co-star
plays miguel

MAEVEY WAVEY
how do you know this you little
shit

OLLIE WOLLIE
i do my research
so i know what films to avoid when
my friends want to go to the movies

ALEX WALEX
that's actually so smart
there's nothing worse than my friends
wanting to watch your shows or
whatever
do you know how gross it is when all
your friends have a crush on your sister

MAEVEY WAVEY
my two adorable little brothers out here
offering me zero support <3

OLLIE WOLLIE
you're welcome maeve

ALEX WALEX
mom and marlon have date night
saturday
we can watch it then

OLLIE WOLLIE
are we watching it because you're in
love with miguel

MAEVEY WAVEY
no we are not

ALEX WALEX
hmm sure

MAEVEY WAVEY
shut up alexander or i'll tell mom
and marlon who actually wrecked
my car

ALEX WALEX
ok fine please don't do that

☆☆☆

XOLO🫠

MAEVE
your hair looks so lame in
seasons one and two
and three and four actually
it only makes a recovery in season
five

XOLO🫠
you're watching my show?

MAEVE
your show?
this is courtney henggeler's
show

XOLO🫠
okay that's totally real

MAEVE
wow look at you
thought you were gonna claim this
to be billy zabka's show and i would
have had to call you anti feminist

XOLO🫠
absolutely nobody has anything on
amanda larusso

MAEVE
real as fuck
fuck daniel i could treat her right

XOLO🫠
i'll let courtney know

MAEVE
please don't do that

XOLO🫠
why are you watching cobra kai
exactly

MAEVE
apparently it's my little brother's
favourite show
also curiosity

XOLO🫠
which one?
alex or ollie?

MAEVE
you remember their names?

XOLO🫠
sure i do
i'm devoted to all my fans

MAEVE
thank you for that reminder of why
we aren't friends

XOLO🫠
"not friends" is an improvement from
you hating me so i'll take it

MAEVE
it's ollie's favourite show
he is however team robby
gotta support the namesake

XOLO🫠
oh haha

MAEVE

hello xolo
this is ollie
maeve's brother
i'm assuming you know who i am
because she talks about me all the time

XOLO🫠
i do know who you are yes

MAEVE
what was it like being kicked off
that balcony huh
was it fun

XOLO🫠
uh
sure

MAEVE
my sister says she doesn't like you
well she did
she's pissing rn
why doesn't she like you

XOLO🫠
honestly i don't know man

MAEVE
that's interesting
oopsies maeve is back bye xolo

XOLO🫠
bye ollie

MAEVE
fuck
what did that little bastard say

XOLO🫠
oh he was just telling me how big
of a fan you are of mine
and also that you were pissing

MAEVE
a fan of yours? not at all
a fan of miguel's hair circa season five?
yeah okay i am prepared to fall
under that umbrella

XOLO🫠
is that why nico is always playing
with angel's hair huh
i don't recall seeing that in the script

MAEVE

☆☆☆

HAVEN🙉

XO🦐
haven
haven
haven
can i ask you a favour

HAVEN🙉
that depends what it is

XO🦐
can i borrow your disney plus

HAVEN🙉
can you buy your own disney plus?

XO🦐
can't
breach of contract
netflix won't be happy

HAVEN🙉
you are so full of shit

XO🦐
okay but please :)

HAVEN🙉
i'm sorry mr dc superhero i didn't
realise your own account would break
the bank for you
so much so that you'll sponge off your
retired actor friend who's broke as fuck

XO🦐
i want to watch maeve's tv show

HAVEN🙉
sending you the username and
password now
is this an attempt to get her to
watch cobra kai

XO🦐
she already did actually
without prompting

HAVEN🙉
to make fun of you?

XO🦐
pretty much yeah

HAVEN🙉
delighted to hear you're not making
too much progress

XO🦐
i don't know
i think she's warming up to me

HAVEN🙉
HA i just found her letterboxd
review

XO🦐
:(

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