while sitting in the principals office, awaiting judgement and punishment, jackie filled me in on her own side of new walter drama.
thankfully, we were able to separate a little. i didn't even want to see a walter for a good long while, now, but cole kept sending me pitiful eyes. probably because he almost took me out, if it wasn't for danny to my rescue. but i didn't want to deal with him now. i didn't want a fake apology.
jackie's hushed whispers told me the following.
it was after thanksgiving, alex kissed her in the barn. and it created yet another rift between brothers.
soon after getting together with alex and coming back to school, she learned about alex's past. the past grace filled me in on yesterday, on how his ex had cheated on him with cole. and alex was prideful of getting jackie, and seemed desperate to prove something to his brother.
jackie confronted him about it, which he owned up to some immaturity, but loved jackie all the same.
i nodded along, taking deep huffs of breaths. this sounded like the walter boys.
of course alex getting with someone new would stir up the drama about his past relationship, bring up all the old wounds, and start rumors and breed miscommunications that reeked havoc on both the entire school, and his current relationship. i felt my old self groaning.
so, somehow, a rumor got spread around about alex's emotional reaction to the cole and paige mishap, and grace took it into her hands to get even, spreading news about cole's extracurricular activities late at night. grace must have not gotten to that part earlier in the cafe, with us getting interrupted by cole.
and now, i had landed here. it all started to make sense.
"do you think the rift could also be due to cole liking you?" i asked cautiously. i didnt forget about what i had felt and seen at the homecoming huddle.
she looked at me like i had five heads, "absolutely not. cole barely gives me the time of day."
i gave her the same look, "he freaking sold himself for you."
jackie shooed that off, "pff, that wasnt to impress me."
before she could finish her thought, mrs walter stalked into the office, heels on and thumping along. loudly. she was pissed.
"alex and cole, you have a three day suspension, and the rest of you are home until tomorrow." she scolded her boys, "i got you cleared, harper." she looked over at me, with a pitiful smile, "no reason you need to keep getting sucked into my boys drama."
the boys all took a breath in.
"guess we're going home." was all the woman said, before walking towards the door, demanding that they followed her.
both cole and danny sent me a wave before leaving, and i just sent a small smile.
walking out of the principals office, tara jacobs stopped me on my way out.
"hey," she spoke quickly, tapping a yellow envelope in her hands, "i heard what happened today. you ok?"
i took a quick inhale, she had seen that i was directly associated with the walter's fight this afternoon. she knew that was unlike me.
when i didnt say anything, she continued, "this just isnt like you. the walters. and the principal's office?" she looked concerned, not mad.
i softened up, and let out the breath i had been holding in, "tara, you would not believe my life right now."
walking into her office, i filled her in on everything.
"that is a change for you." she nodded, "but, i see your reasoning for boosting your resume a bit," she chuckled at the concept, "but hows it been?"
"i'll admit," i looked at the floor, "today it got to a level i never wanted it to, and ill make sure to not do again," she nodded confidently with me, "but," i squirmed a bit, "ive come to enjoy it, i think."
she raised a brow, and i laughed, "yeah. i dont know, theyre dramatic, but good people." i started to sound like erin in the car, on the way home after thanksgiving, being honest about thie flaws but also who they were as people, "they're... not who i thought at all. behind the drama and fights."
tara just nodded, like she was proud of me.
"well," she tapped the envelope she still had in her hands on the desk beneath her, "since i have noticed you have been getting closer to the boys," she gave me a yikes look, "i have a favor to ask."
my head tilted at her mood change, but i said "yeah, anything."
"this is an extra credit assignment." she slowly slid over the package to me, across the desk.
"oh! for jackie i assume." i picked it up off the table and started to put it in my bag.
"no, not quite." i hesitated, looking back up at her, "its for cole."
my shoulder's shrunk, "how bad is it?"
"lets just say, i think he could use guidance from a student with your work ethic." i quickly nodded, putting it into my bag more gently, and thanked tara for talking.
i decided just to go drop this off now, i had nothing else going on this afternoon. and, seeing cole had a lot of free time on his hands now, due to suspension, this would give him something to do.
pulling up to the walter's house, and walking up to the front door, someone opened the door just before i did.
it was cole.
"oh," i said awkwardly, "hi."
"hey." he said, just as awkwardly. he looked stunned, but in a second, his smile was back on, "harper gray."
"did you come for me?" his smirk got bigger, and i tried not to blush.
"where are you off to?" i asked, but he had already been trying to get around me, obviously in a hurry.
he jingled his keys over his head and headed down the steps, toward the truck, "jackie's lost in the woods, so whatever it is, youre gonna have to come or tell me later."
i sighed. letting my chin fall to touch my chest, i reluctantly followed him to his truck. looks like i had no choice. i wanted to get this drop off over with, and i should probably make sure jackie is ok.
we got in his car, and an eery silent settled into his truck. we both buckled, and he started down the road.
the first few minutes were silent. we both hadnt ever been alone before, so i think we were both at a loss about what to talk about.
"so, why did you come?" he asked quietly, and i remembered what was still in my hands.
"oh," i said, knowing this would only make it more awkward, "ms jacobs wanted this to get to you." i put it up on his dash, and he gave it a weird look, "an extra credit assignment."
he scoffed before i finished the sentence.
"why are you giving up on school, too?" i hadnt meant to say it like that, but i did.
"what is that supposed to mean?" he said it without looking over at me.
"well, i mean, obviously you and alex are on the rocks. and starting a fight in school. and now needing extra credit." i reasoned, "you just seem not to care about much anymore."
not like he ever really did, i thought to myself, maybe this was how he always is. im just seeing it up close for the first time.
something in his eyes, still pointed at the road, told me i was right though.
"look, i dont know what youve heard about the whole alex and paige thing," he spoke slowly, "but i didnt do anything wrong."
"like how you stole paige?"
my bluntness seemed to upset him, and he took a forceful breath, "no. i mean, yes that rumor, but no. i didnt do that."
that rumor was old news now. accepted truth. why was he still fighting it? and why was it so important to him that i didnt believe it?
"cole, it seems to be widely known truth," i shook my head, "and it was months ago now, why do you still care so much?"
it had started to rain, but i didnt notice until cole pulled over, shut the car off, and turned to face me.
i felt my heart start to pound in my chest, and my face get hot. what was he doing?
for a minute, he just stared at me. i couldnt remember how to speak.
"what do you think happened, the night jackie was drunk?"
i furrowed my eyebrows, not knowing exactly what he meant.
"between us." he finished.
immediately, i felt a scoff and a laugh bubble up in my chest, forcing its way out.
aboslutely nothing, i thought. cole had been helping me make my bed, and stood an inch too close and stared a second too long, and jackie said some drunk nonsense.
thats what i wanted to say.
but i pushed all those temptations away, swallowing them down.
because on second thought, i wasnt sure.
after that night, filling grace in on all that had happened, she seemed convinced that cole liked me. i still wanted to deny it, so badly. it just didnt make any sense. why me?
"i dont think anything happened." i chose and spoke my words carefully, watching his expressions like a hawk.
he nodded for another minute, to only spit out an "ok."
but that only made me more curious.
"what?" i let the scoff out, "do you think something did?"
he looked at me, and for a second, his eyes were as hesitant as i had just felt. like there were words in his head he was deciding whether or not to say.
"cole." i said.
he continued to stare.
i scoffed again, not wanting to hear the truth that may or may not come out of his mouth any second, "i cant deal with this." and i jumped out of the car.
in a matter of those past few minutes, i had completely forgotten that it had been raining. but now, it was pouring, and i was instantly drenched in freezing water. i gasped, feeling a chill run down my back, but had to shut the door behind me. there wasnt going back in that car. not now.
had cole seriously thought there was something between us? like we were truly about to kiss that night?
and if so, where had it gone? cole hadnt talked to me since that night. granted, i had pushed him away that next morning, and running into grace's arms asking to be rescued probably told him a few other things... but it was cole.
and thanksgiving, cole stayed pretty clear of me.
but he wasnt the one to give up on girls, especially when they didnt seem to want him.
i began walking down the street, having to accept the crazy fact that the only reasonable thing for me to do was to look for jackie.
"harper gray!" i heard his voice scream over the pounding rain and thunder, and i turned around to see him soaked too.
"ok, maybe," he struggled, and i wondered if it was because of the freezing rain pouring down his back too, or the thoughts in his head, "maybe i thought there was something between us. maybe i just wanted you to say it."
i stared at him.
"youre joking." i said, not letting myself believe it.
there was no humor in either of our eyes, and he shook his head, "why would i be joking right now?" he stepped forward, and his bangs were pressed against his forehead.
"because," it was my turn to struggle for words, "i mean, me?" i had to yell over the rain, "it could never be me, cole. and i'd never let it." he looked hurt, "we just are nowhere close to the same type of person."
"what is that supposed to mean?" he asked again, but this time looked in my eyes.
"just by looking at the way you treat girls!" i said it harsher than i meant it, but couldnt stop myself after i had started, "the way you treated erin. the way you sleep around." i could tell i was further hurting him, but i was convincing myself i was just saying the truth, "and with what you did to paige."
i had no bone in my body that believed cole did that, last summer, with good intentions.
"i may be a socially defined hermit, but one who pays attention. you cant just expect us all to believe you when we all know who you are." i took a breath, i had been speaking fast and my body became heavy and my clothes were now sopping.
but cole looked still, he looked fine. like the rain had no effect on him, just dampened his hair a bit.
and he spoke calmly.
"ok. maybe i have made some jerk moves with girls in the past. maybe i havent been perfect." his seriousness scared me, and i went cold, colder than the rain had been making me, "but this is a stupid rumor! it always has been. okay? paige, at the party, she came on to me." i wanted to scoff at the lame attempt at an excuse, but he spoke before i could, "i had been away all summer, remember?"
im not sure if my face changed, or showed the recognition, but he at least acted like it did, "yeah, no one remembers that. no one does. so i had no idea he was with paige, until after his reaction at the party."
he stepped a bit closer, "look, if i had known there was anything going on between them, anything at all, i wouldnt have done it." i shook his head, little droplets of water were forming at the ends of each strand of hair, and some of them fell off. i felt a few drip down my face, just then.
"there's no way i'd ever hurt my little brother like that. not then, not ever." he urged, "and the fact that my own brothers dont believe that hurts enough," he glared, "but the fact that a girl who has never taken any time or effort to even look at us for years is judging me for it too is ridiculous." he was shaking now, and i hoped it was just because he was cold.
"then why are you telling me any of this?" i said. if it didnt matter, why were we here, right now?
"because i had hoped you would."
"would what?"
"that the girl who always hated us would get to know us. get to see who we really were." he paused, bouncing between my eyes. it was my turn to take step forward. he had begun to talk normally, and the rain was overpowering his words.
and i barely caught the last few.
"and be the one to believe it."