My story has been told and retold a thousand times. Ezra, the mad god, the God of the Future. With a name and a history of cursed fae.
My diary, left in the hands of my Splinter, meant my name got heard again.
Orpheus finally saved me. Gone was the madness I struggled with millennia in and millennia out. I could breathe now. I could see the future without pain. I could love without holds.
Getting used to flesh again was a tad difficult. Now, here I was with Argus, getting my own chance to love him. Getting an opportunity to rekindle the friendships I had burned at my end.
My story has been told. I have lived thousands of years. My diary was in the hands of my protégé, my Splinter. She could tell you who I was.
I must tell you what came after those pages ended.
When I died at the hands of Arn and Leviathan, I was awoken in Mother Gaia's cavern. I was raised a god, a promise Mother Gaia had made to me while her sirens were slaughtered.
I was reborn Ezra, the God of the Future, the All-Seeing Eye.
When I awoke, Xena was before me. Titania also greeted me happily. I met a few other gods. I then saw Argus standing there. I collapsed into his arms.
"Please, darling," he whispered. "Let's take this elsewhere."
Argus took me to a quiet room. I assumed it was his by the decor. His journals sat on a shelf. Drawings of me covered parts of the wall.
He gestured towards the bed. I took a seat upon it.
"I wanted to make sure we were okay," Argus sat beside me. "You left things an awful mess."
"I did what I had to do to keep you safe," I met his gaze. "Especially from me. I was going to kill you."
"But are we okay?" He embraced my hand. "The two of us, I mean."
"I..." I felt a lump grow in my throat. "Argus, I never, ever stopped loving you. You plagued my thoughts constantly. I hated pushing you away. I didn't want it. I had to."
"Thank you," he nodded.
"Argus," I pulled his hand to my chest. "You believe me, right?"
He smiled. "I believe you were the one who called me an addiction."
"I love you so much, Argus," I moved his hand up to my neck. "I love you more than life itself. I love you to the end of the universe and back again. I loved you for every damn second I got and ten times harder for every second I didn't. You gave me meaning. You made me important. I wouldn't have survived without you. I want you to know how heavy my words drip with love for you."
Argus enveloped me right by my ear. He held me steady. I closed my eyes. Please.
"You never were a man for poetry," he said in a low voice.
"Sonnets were more your thing," I let out a tiny laugh.
"You should have tried it. Those were the most beautiful words I've ever heard you say."
"Thank you," I whispered.
He leaned forward and kissed me. I had missed this. Two hundred years without him, hundreds more before that, couldn't compare to this. It was like he had never left. I knew every bit of his movement, his body, and I loved it.
"Ez," he moved back. "I have to tell you something."
"Of course," I answered. "Anything."
"I love you more than there are stars in the sky," Argus said. "I meant every song and sonnet, every whisper and sigh. I want you to know that when you locked us out of your tower, I went into a long period of mourning. Cali and Levi thought me mad."
"I'm sorry," I replied reflexively.
"Listen to me. I was mourning, heartbroken. I thought I'd never love again. I was out to market to buy widowers clothes. You need to understand that I was broken and distraught."
"I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was so scared of being alone. Of dying alone. I met someone else."
My eyes flew open. "What?"
"I need you to hear me out. You said you would listen to me."
My heart was sinking in my chest. The lump returned. I swallowed it hard.
"I did," I felt my hands shaking.
"I met a man named Caesar," he put his hands up defensively. "I appreciated his companionship because I was so very broken. He admitted to me at one point that he was infatuated with me, but I made it very clear to him that I could never love him. He stayed with me anyway. He let me move as I was comfortable. We never even had sex because the one time we did try, I couldn't get you out of my head. We had something simple and nonphysical. He died even before I did. I want you to understand that I loved him in a different way, in a way that I could rely on him but not the way I love you, Ez."
"I can't blame you," I looked away. "I was failing you in every way."
"Ez," Argus said softly.
"I was trying to protect you," I felt tears spring in my eyes. "I was only trying to keep you safe."
"I know, and I'm sorry," he pleaded.
I wanted to shout how could you. I wanted to scream in his face. I wanted him to swear to me he'd never do such a thing again.
But we're only fae, right?
"I promise to you that I will never stray from you again," he pulled me close. "Please, don't cry. I love you so much. I was foolish and scared."
Did I dare to tell him the truth? The reason I did everything I had. The reason I ran. I had plenty of time. I could wait years, to be honest. But now...now felt like the right time. We were being open and honest.
"I had lied to you," I brought his hand to my face. "I never left the troupe because of a dying family and a dangerous clan. I deceived all of you. I left because I knew I would kill all of you. I isolated myself in a tower because I was a danger. But most importantly," I hesitated. These words were the hardest. "I was afraid that I couldn't be intimate with you because of what had happened. Sometimes touches bring on visions, and I couldn't bear seeing you die any time we were alone together. I locked myself in a tower so that I was safe, too."
"Can we work to fix things?" he brought me close. "I missed you so terribly, Ezra."
"Of course," I replied.
Our love was then more bitter than sweet. I resented Argus for what he had done. I found myself hating him for loving me, too. I cycled through different memories and mindsets as the madness caught up with me.
Leviathan and Calliope brought their child down to Mother Gaia's cavern a few times. I had seen this boy from a distance a few times. He used to be written all over my future. He was younger than I had anticipated.
Then he appeared in my room.
I turned to see that small boy in my room. Leviathan's flesh and blood. He bounced on my bed, smiling to himself. He'd clearly been put down for sleep because he was wearing a nightgown. Still, I didn't understand why he was here.
I ignored him. After a while, he fell asleep on my bed. Before I knew it, he'd disappeared.
But this continued to happen. It must have been night time for I would find this tiny god boy on my bed. I ignored him until he fell back asleep. He showed up again.
Except one night, he was on my bed crying. I wasn't sure why he was so upset, but ignoring him didn't seem to work. I stood up so fast my chair fell down.
"What is it?" I shouted.
This small child ran to me, hugging my leg tightly as he kept his fists over his eyes.
"Ezra, I'm scared," he sobbed.
I didn't know that he remembered my name. I will never forget his. He was every bit of culmination. I don't know if that compelled me or simply that it was a child crying, but I picked him up. I held him tightly until he calmed down.
"What are you so afraid of, Arn?"
This was the first time we had spoken. He felt so microscopic in my arms.
"I'm afraid of the gods. What if they don't like me? They're bigger and more powerful than me. They could kill me."
"Arn," I cupped his little face. "You have nothing to worry about. The gods will love you. You will bring them back to life. They may be bigger and more powerful now, but as you grow, they will pale in comparison. You know how I know?"
"How?" He stared up at me.
"Because I'm a god, and I like you."
He hugged me again. "I like you too, Ezra."
We sang together that night. Eventually, he fell asleep and disappeared.
I loved that boy with every fiber of my being. He came to me in fear, and I did everything I could to qualm them. I would never leave him behind. I couldn't.
As he got older, Arn visited me during other hours. He would spend time in silence with me as I scribbled madness onto pages. He would talk with me and Argus on better days. On days that I truly deteriorated, Arn wore a brave face. He would use sleep charms or stun me. He would take care of me. He was so sweet and selfless.
I miss him terribly too. Each day, he continues to stay away from us. I fear that he is dead or he has indeed switched sides in this war and lost himself as Xena had.
But I continue to search for him. I won't give up. If not for myself, then for Orpheus and my friends.