It had been almost a week since Mai had said he liked me, and I could feel something strange about him these last few days.
He wasn't joking anymore like the first two days.
I was pretty sure I wasn't just imagining it. In the first two days, he had confused me more than anything, and I had tried to avoid him because I still couldn't make up my mind, but in the last period he was too calm.
I mean, it doesn't move away from me, it just doesn't bother me anymore.
At first, I thought he was probably stressed about something like classes and stuff like that, until I noticed he was acting normal around everyone else in the office, but not around me. Although he was the person who mostly initiated conversations with me, he had recently become silent in my presence.
Even looking miles away, I could see something was wrong.
Friday morning, the last work day of that week, I was waiting for him in the lobby of my apartment building to pick me up. When seven in the morning rolled around, his black BMW parked in front of me.
"Good morning." I said and sat down next to him. The boy in the university uniform smiled politely.
"Good morning, P'Jade."
Our four months together in the car had rarely been peaceful, as Mai would always start a conversation or listen to me talk about random things. At that moment, however, I felt a little shy to say something, so the awkward silence bothered both of us.
There was so much discomfort that a person who hated silence like me felt like I was trapped in a cave.
"The traffic is terrible." I said, looking outside to see the other cars on the road.
We were all stuck behind the red light.
But Mai simply replied, "Yes." and then he stared at the road ahead in silence.
After that, the car fell silent again. The only sound left was the sound of the breeze from the air conditioner up into the office.
"I'll buy a cup of coffee. You can go upstairs." I said.
Normally, after I said that, he would stay by my side and wait with me, but that day he just smiled and nodded, then headed for an elevator. That smile was still as sweet and kind as ever. The only difference was the look in his eyes, he looked sad for some reason.
I don't think it's the same as before.
I watched him go with an emptiness in my heart. I didn't really understand what was happening between us.
I had always thought I was the only one who had feelings for Mai, I never imagined he would confess to me. But after learning that he had feelings for me too, I panicked and worried about our families, the future, and how I should respond to him. But before I finally came to a decision, Mai had changed his behavior.
There had been many times when those eyes had something to say to me, but then it had ended up with nothing. And I hadn't had the courage to ask.
What happened? I really don't understand.
"Why are you walking away again? What? Didn't you get enough sleep or something?"
I heard Fai's high-pitched voice from behind. I greeted her and noticed that she was wearing a tight red dress, sexier than usual.
"Oh hello. You seem very excited today."
"Certain. It's a day of celebration. I have to have an attractive appearance. I woke up at five to curl my hair." She ran a hand through her hair.
I laughed softly. I had a lot of respect for girls; I could barely wake up and get dressed. Some days I even forgot to brush my hair.
"It seems like just yesterday we threw a welcome party for Mai. Now it's a farewell party. Your best assistant will be leaving soon. You'll probably feel alone now."
Those words stopped my laughter forever.
Four months had passed quickly. The following week would be the last of Mai's internship, so the seniors had decided to throw him a farewell party. But since Bas and Fai were going to a meeting in Hua Hin with the boss the following Friday, we had changed the date to the previous week instead.
"Yes, I will be lonely." I said sincerely. It was funny that I was fine working alone before, but now just the thought of it made me feel very alone, especially with the tension between me and Mai, that was even more depressing.
"Mai is a real eye candy for us. What a shame he's leaving." She said.
"You still have King to watch."
"He's not as cute as Mai. Mai is polite and well mannered. Ugh... " he let out a long sigh. All I could do was stand still with nothing to say.
It was almost time to part ways, but the pressure between us was ruining our goodbye.
**********
Among the three of us, Uea was the only one who managed to stay silent all day, while I was the exact opposite. Silence was one of those things I couldn't stand more in the world. Even with strangers, if we had to spend some time together, like in a taxi or waiting in a long line for something, and the atmosphere got too quiet, I always found a thing or two to chat with the person next to me. But with Mai at that moment, I didn't even know how to start a conversation.
The sound of mouse clicking from the desk next door bothered me. I looked at the serious face of the intern entrusted to my care with different feelings and felt the need to say something, but I couldn't see through him. I didn't even know if he was in the mood to talk to me.
Maybe he realized it's a bad idea to have a crush on someone like me
The thought that had just popped into my head made me feel sad. However, he wasn't wrong to think so. I couldn't even understand why he liked me.
"Graphics team, let's have a meeting in my office. Never, keep doing your job." He called us Bas.
I stood up and looked at Mai at the exact moment he looked me in the eyes. He gave me a simple smile, then looked at his computer screen to continue his work without saying anything.
Normally he would have said something. He wasn't the type to stay silent like that.
I wanted to ask him right then if he was okay, but Uea called me to hurry up, so I had to follow the rest of my team with my head all in pain.
I have to concentrate on my work. Personal things can be dealt with later.
**********
The meeting ended exactly at noon. I grabbed my notebook, ready to leave the meeting room, when someone grabbed my shoulder, I turned and saw Uea.
"Yes? What's wrong?" I asked. I thought Mongkon wanted to ask me a favor or something, but when it was Uea holding me for a conversation, I couldn't help but think something was wrong.
"Nothing. There's something wrong with you. What happened? You're too quiet."
He pushed me to sit on the nearby chair and sat next to me. His big round eyes stared into mine as if he could understand me with just a glance.
"You know me too well, don't you?"
I laughed a little even though it wasn't funny. Uea raised his eyebrows and laughed too.
"You're like an open book, Jade. Anyone can see that you have too many things on your mind." he explained to me.
I lay down in the chair and closed my eyes.
"Is that so?"
"Yes. So what is it about?" Uea asked.
I stared at the ceiling for a while before answering, "That thing... you told me to ask Mai, which is who he really liked... I asked his."
"Uh...huh."
"He said he likes me."
I watched Uea's reaction; he smiled a little.
"AND?"
"But then these last few days, it seems... like he's keeping a certain distance."
My voice sounded unexpectedly sad even to me. Ever since I was aware of my feelings for him, Mai had had a little too much influence on me. When I saw him smile, I felt happy, when I saw him sad, I felt guilty and when he didn't talk to me, I felt... sorry.
"I also feel like you've been keeping your distance the last few days, too." Uea inadvertently put the knife into his wound.
"What do you think is happening to him? Did I do something wrong?" I asked.
If that had been a test, I would have failed that relationship class. Well, I hadn't been in a relationship in over ten years, so dealing with a situation like this made me feel a little lost.
"Well, what happened next? I mean, after he tells you he likes you."
"... I was a little caught off guard. I didn't know what to do, and there were so many things to think about before answering him. Then, suddenly he became silent."
Uea listened with his chin in his hand, thinking about the situation.
"He must have thought you didn't like him."
His presumption left me stunned.
"No? I mean, I haven't said anything yet, why would he think that?"
"Just because you didn't say anything, that's why he might think that, Jade. Imagine telling someone you like them and that person stays silent or tries to avoid you. How would you feel?"
His explanation pushed me into complete silence. I began to understand why Mai hadn't bothered me more.
That's probably true. If I were in his shoes, I would lose my self-esteem.
"But... I... like him." I murmured.
"But he doesn't know it. I guess he lost some self-confidence. He must have thought that you didn't like him, but that you didn't reject him just to not hurt his feelings."
"Uh huh..."
I sat with my head down, feeling guilty for overthinking and accidentally hurting him. Uea stood up and patted me on his shoulder. "Let's go have lunch. The cafeteria downstairs should be crowded by now."
"Um..."
I stood up and Uea ruffled my hair.
"And on that note, hurry up and tell him what you want before Mai gets even more depressed."
"Yes. I think I'll tell him today." I stated.
Uea nodded and led me out of the meeting room. I fixed my hair as I stared at the boy walking in front of me, a smile appearing on my face.
Uea had always been a great listener. Even though he always acted coldly as if he didn't have a care in the world, whenever I felt bad or had problems, he was always the first to notice. In contrast, King, who had been my friend since childhood, seemed to notice my problems last, because he was not an observant person. But once he noticed something, he always held out his hand to me.
I really think I'm so lucky to have friends like that.
We walked to an elevator and I was still busy fixing my hair. My two best friends were amazing, the only thing that got on my nerves was that they loved to rub my head. King was the only one who did it, but now Uea had that bad habit too.
What's wrong with my head? Why do people keep rubbing my hair? They're pretty messy, okay?!
**********
There should be research into why when we plan to do something, there is always something that ruins that plan.
Like when I had planned to talk to Mai after lunch, but I had received a call from Bas, telling me to do an urgent job when I hadn't finished half of my lunch yet.
So I had to put the plan on hold. I had almost gobbled up all the food with no time to chew and had rushed back to the office to finish it so I could find time to clear things up with Mai. But after I finished and sent my assignment to the boss, it was sent back to me in an instant, because the background color wasn't eye-catching or the text didn't stand out enough. So I stayed at my desk and sorted out my work until the clock on my computer screen said working hours were almost over.
I let out a long sigh before changing the name of the file from 'last pleaseeeee' to 'yet another conclusion', then emailed it in utter frustration.
I couldn't talk to Mai and I couldn't even call and ask about my father's health. Luck is not on my side today.
"Does the boss finally like it?" Uea asked empathetically.
I stared at the chat waiting for feedback with full hope. I wanted to send a message that said, "Even though it's still not good enough, I won't fix it anymore. Do it yourself'.
But that was just a thought. The truth was, if it still wasn't good enough, all I could do was type "Okay" again and fix it again.
It seemed that life still had some mercy on me, because the boss finally liked my work. I lay down wearily and couldn't stop myself from staring at the intern next to me. Even though Mai hadn't said a word to me all evening, he had still taken care of me from time to time, like filling my bottle and stuff. I felt a little more relieved.
He's probably not too mad at me... He still doesn't talk to me, so he's just a little bitter, I think.
Talking to Uea before lunch had made me realize how naive I was when it came to love. I was just worried about the future, family, and whether we were even right for each other, but now knowing that it was my reaction that caused him to stop approaching me made me feel even worse than all those worries.
Fuck the future for now. I'll make do with what I have now. Mai has already confessed his love to me, but I haven't responded, and this is the biggest problem right now. But how do I start?
My head was spinning, trying to think of the best way to say it. I packed my things and headed to the BMW, but today there were three other passengers as we were headed to Mai's farewell party. The atmosphere in the car was so fun that I just couldn't get out what I needed to say to Mai. I figured it would be best to talk about it when we were alone at the party or on the way home.
But of course nothing ever went as planned.
The atmosphere at the party was no different from the welcome party. Everyone was singing and dancing at the top of their lungs. Considering the amount of work we had to do, I can't really blame them for wanting to let off steam.
King stepped in to sit between Mai and me. Mai continued to refill everyone's glasses, being the polite boy he had always been.
Everyone had come here to get drunk, except me. I had to stay sober to talk to Mai, so I passed the beer King had given me to Uea who was sitting next to me, but he shook his head and grabbed the Pepsi instead.
Come to think of it, I hadn't seen Uea drink a single sip of alcohol that evening. He probably didn't want to end up like last time, when he was so drunk that King had to drag him home.
"Oh, is my little Mai really leaving?" Fai spoke through a microphone after finishing a song, then dragged Mai in front of everyone.
"Before you go, let's do an interview. After a few months together, what struck you about our company?"
"He probably just thinks, 'Hell yeah, this shit's finally over!'." Gun shouted.
Everyone laughed. Mai smiled sweetly and took the microphone from Fai.
"I am impressed and happy to have worked with all of you. I am so grateful for everyone's guidance during these four months. It was a great experience."
"I want the truth!!" King shouted, Mai laughed.
"I didn't lie."
"Already. Mai wouldn't lie, because he's a good guy, unlike you." Fai exclaimed.
"Oh my, I'm so sad that our love died so young." King cried dramatically. What a shit acting. Then he drank more beer.
"After Mai leaves, I'll come back to you, King. But right now we need some space." Fai shook her hair and smiled at the tall boy next to her. "As for Mai, before we leave, would you mind giving us a little farewell gift?"
"What gift?"
"Sing something more for us."
"Oh yes. Just do it!" Everyone supported Fai.
Mai smiled a little and picked up the song binder.
"Okay, sure. Please bear with my voice."
I remember the first time he sang. Bear it? It's too humiliating to say. His voice is too beautiful to use the word 'endure'.
♪ Rain. When I think of you it's the feeling,
Warming me up.
Even though tonight is as cold as it can be,
I ask the rain and the wind to tell you just this. ♪
It was as if I had been transported back to a few months ago. It was deja vu of Mai singing in front with those eyes fixed in this direction. If I hadn't noticed as I had before, I would have thought he was looking at Uea, but now I knew he was looking at me.
♪ That I miss you.
Oh, I miss you.
Let's go back to the night when it was just the two of us. ♪
His voice was still pleasant to the ear, but the feeling as he sang was different from the last time. He was sad and lonely.
Is this how Mai feels right now?
♪ I still remember every single moment.
I still remember every little feeling.
I'm still where we've been,
The night the rain falls. Never leave. ♪
The sound of applause rang through the room. I clapped too, distancing myself a little as I stared at the tall boy standing at the front of the room.
"Awww. I can feel how much Mai will miss me." Fai said as she wiped away the non-existent sweat on Mai's face, causing all the women to scream in jealousy and get teased by the men. Mai, on the other hand, was just waiting for Fai to feel satisfied.
After he returned, I intended to ask him if we could go outside and talk, but then the cell phone in my pocket rang. My mother was calling me.
"Ready, Mom?" I answered the call and left the room. Mai returned to his place, I looked at his still face, thinking that I would return to him as soon as I finished the call.
Wait for me, kid.
I moved away from the noises in the room and started talking to my mother. She told me that my father's health outcomes were excellent, that his blood pressure and sugar levels were improving. I listened to his for quite a while, we hadn't had time to update each other, then I realized that it had taken almost half an hour to finish the call.
I put the phone back in my pocket and turned back to go to Mai, but what I saw was the guy sitting with his head down with a glass of beer in his hand. He was still awake but it looked like he was close to passing out.
"Jade, your little boy is beyond drunk. He kept drinking like he was heartbroken or something." King said to me as soon as I returned, then made a dash towards Mai who was reeling from his chair.
I went over to shake him, he looked at me with sleepy eyes and put his head on my shoulder.
"Do not look at me like this. I tried to stop him, but he didn't listen to me." King said as I gave him a reproachful look.
"It's almost nine. You better take Mai home." Uea said monotonously. I agreed with him. He wasn't in the right state to make conversation with anyone at the time.
"Okay okay. Then I go. You guys get home safe, okay?"
"You too, Jade. Drive carefully. Mai's car repair costs aren't cheap."
King laughed, so I kicked him in the leg for saying something that scared me like that.
I said goodbye to everyone and dragged Mai to his car. I looked for his keys and pushed him into the passenger seat, then put his seatbelt on.
Fucking déjà vu.The last time he got drunk, I had to drag him back like this time. But I didn't know his room number then, unlike now.
**********
"Building C, 15th floor, room 1517," I muttered as I parked at a luxury condominium across the street from mine. Mai had told me that time and I hadn't paid much attention to it, but somehow I remembered exactly what he had said even though I had never really thought there might be a possibility of actually taking it to his house.
It was so difficult to carry someone who was gaunt and was four inches taller than me. The worst part was that Mai was putting all of his weight on me, making it even harder to keep going. I finally managed to get him into his room. I used the key card and pushed the door open. The room was still dark, so I couldn't see anything, but one thing was for sure: that room was much bigger than mine.
I caught my breath and pushed Mai onto his bed, but it was my last remaining strength, so I ended up falling with him.
I stood there for a while, breathless. But when I was ready to get up, I was suddenly stopped, because the boy had turned and straddled me, holding me tightly in his arms. The weight of his body on top of me left me breathless.
His breath had a distinct odor of alcohol. This time those brown eyes stared back at me. They didn't seem docile and gentle, but so strict that I couldn't do anything at all.
I've never seen him intimidating until now.
"But... Never?"
I tried to push him away, but he didn't move even an inch. He ever leaned his face closer and asked me in his deep voice, "Phi... Jade?"
"Oh yes. It's me." I replied, then swallowed when I saw his red eyes.
Fuck you! Last time it wasn't so intimidating!
"Can you... move? You're heavy..." I stammered nervously. I had seen that position many times on television when they were about to do it, so that was definitely not safe for me.
"P'Jade?"
Mai didn't listen to me, he made things worse by putting his face in my neck. I started to freak out and tried to push him away, but after I realized he wasn't doing anything other than stay like that, I stopped resisting.
"P'Jade, don't you like me?"
The drunk muttered slowly in my ears; his voice was deep and dark. I was stunned, not knowing how to deal with that situation.
"I like you... I mean it, you know?" he added.
I sighed as I gently patted his head.
"I never said I didn't like you. Why do you think too much?" I muttered.
Mai also mumbled something in response before he stopped saying anything and seemed to fall asleep.
I used a little force to push him to lie down properly on the bed. I took off his shoes and turned on the air conditioner, then looked around for some wipes to clean him up a bit.
I gently wiped his face and looked at his perfect features. I was still worried about the future, not knowing if we could really get along. But he liked me, and I liked him too. As long as we wanted each other by our side, there was no reason for me to reject my own feelings.
If we encounter obstacles, we will find a way to overcome them. Every problem has a solution.
I grabbed my phone and entered Mai's chat room. I texted him to call me right after he woke up, then covered his body with a blanket. I stared at him for a long time, then accidentally smiled adoringly.
"Wake up to hear my answer. Hurry up." I whispered in his ear before walking back to my apartment. We lived across the street from each other, so I got to my room in just ten minutes. I quickly took a shower and lay down on the bed.
It had been a long day for me. I pulled a blanket over my body, ready to fall into dreamland.
I hope there are good things waiting for me tomorrow.