A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal
You look so tired, unhappy
- Radiohead
30
Charles Leclerc
A few days without Max and life seems to lose its pleasant flavor when he's not around.
I'm at a shooting for APM Monaco, a Monegasque jewelry brand of which I'm proud to be one of the ambassadors.
I love this brand of jewelry, but today, I would like to be somewhere other than at this shooting location with an army of photographers, make-up artists and stylists.
I have been trying for about 30 minutes to listen to the directions given to me, but I am not at all focused.
My brain seems to be only capable of one thing. Think about Max.
I find myself several times smiling like an idiot, totally absorbed in my thoughts.
He's the one who makes me smile like that.
I'm obviously trying to get back to my serious expression and look 100% focused on the shoot to avoid the director's remarks or worse that someone suspects something.
Somebody understand that I'm madly in love with him.
My phone suddenly vibrates in my back pocket and I take advantage of the fact that the photographers and the lighting engineer readjust the spotlights to take it in my hand and unlock it.
Obviously I can't control my heart beating a little faster and dimples appearing on my cheeks as my smile gets bigger when I see a message from him.
I click on the notification as soon as possible.
This is a photo of a red shopping bag with the Ferrari logo in black. He sent a message below the picture: as promised ;).
I understand right away. He really did it for real...
I put my phone in my pocket and apologize to the team, pretending I need to go to the bathroom.
I lock myself in the bathroom and call the Dutchman in facetime.
He responds immediately and I forget for a moment what I want to say to him as I find myself face to face with his face on my screen, his hair in a mess and his satisfied smile.
"You really did it.
I say with a big smile, unable to hide my happiness at seeing that he really pays attention to what I say to him.
- Of course, I couldn't wait to wear your name. He answers with a laugh.
- You know I could have given you one? You wouldn't have had to buy one.
But I'm actually glad he bought it. I can clearly picture him going to a Ferrari store with red merch with Carlos and me all over it.
- You should have seen the faces of the salesmen when they saw me, and when they saw me buying your jersey.
I feel my smile widen in spite of myself, yes I can clearly imagine the scene.
- And what did you tell them to justify yourself?
- I ignored them, I paid without justifying myself on my purchase. I let them imagine what use I would make of it."
I feel my cheeks warm slightly as he winked at me while passing a hand through his hair.
I have a sudden urge to be against him and a feeling of emptiness fills me.
"What's wrong, Charles?
- I miss you.
The Dutchman smiles softly at me.
- I'll see you this weekend, okay?
I nod my head. I want so much more than just seeing him on race weekends.
- Would you like to spend the summer break with me this year?
The question burned my mind and my lips. I didn't think I'd ask it now, but Max's bright smile proves to me that I was right to do it.
- Of course I want to take this break with you, Charles.
I find myself laughing with joy and relief. I haven't felt this happy in a long time.
- I have to leave you, Max, I love you.
- I love you too. "
I hang up and get out of the booth before I look in the mirror. My cheeks are slightly pink and my eyes a little too shiny.
So this is what I look like every time Max looks at me?
I hurry back to the set room before my absence becomes too long.
***
A few days later
The anticipatory joy I feel as I knock on the door of Max's hotel room is incomparable.
I arrived just an hour ago at Barcelona airport, I took the first taxi that could take me to the hotel where the Dutchman is staying.
He opens the door and I feel my smile magically grow.
God only knows the power that man has over me.
"Come in."
His voice is soft and pressing. It's an order, a plea that makes my whole being shiver.
I don't let myself be prayed any longer and walk slowly into the hotel room of the one who makes my heart spin.
He moves backwards, to keep facing me as I move through the room. He does not let go of my gaze for a moment and the intensity I feel makes me feel like a fire that spreads throughout my abdomen.
I stop in the center of the room and he stops moving backwards.
On the contrary, he moves towards me without leaving my face for a single moment.
He puts his hands on my jacket to gently pull me towards him and I feel weak in his hands, under his gaze and in his face.
When his lips meet mine, I feel like my chest is going to explode.
We've kissed many times before, but I've never felt more willing to risk everything for his lips than at this very moment.
And I feel like Max feels it, too. His hands clench on my jacket and his kisses are passionate, desperate.
We detach ourselves from each other, catching our breath. I detail Max and I can't help but notice the dark circles under his eyes and the pallor of his skin.
"How are you, Max?
- Well, how about you?
I swallow my saliva with disappointment. I don't like to hear him lie to me.
- I feel better now that you're here.
A sweet smile appears on my boyfriend's face as he nods in approval.
- Me, too."
We remain silent for a moment, losing both of us in the comfort of each other's presence and savoring this moment that belongs only to us.
Max turns around and starts searching his suitcase.
"I have something for you. "
Curious, I approach him to look over his shoulder at what he is looking for in his suitcase.He ends up with a T-shirt that I recognize at one glance.
He hands it to me and I take it in my hands, turning it over to read the inscription of his name on the cloth.
"I figured since I have your Ferrari shirt now, you should have mine."
I smile and wear the shirt to my face to feel the familiar smell of Max permeating the fabric.
I take off my jacket, sweater and T-shirt and immediately try on Max's jersey.
Max stares at me with bright eyes and dilated pupils, detailing how the shirt falls on my chest and lands on my hips.
Admiring the Verstappen flocked behind my back with pride.
"That color looks really good on you. "He said, putting his hands on my hips and dropping a quick kiss on my lips. My own smile is widening.
"I know what you're trying to do, Max. I won't leave Ferrari for Redbull.
Max lets out his laugh, warming my whole body.
- I know nothing will make you leave Ferrari, not even me."
We spend the evening, the night talking together about what we're going to do this summer during the break, when we'll be out of sight, just the two of us. How will I justify my absence for a month to everyone else, when only Max will know where I am?
We end up falling asleep, embracing each other, at a completely indecent hour of the night, but the heart full of happiness and the body completely relaxed.
We sleep very little and are awakened by blows against the door, very strong blows.
I get up abruptly in bed but Max is already up, finishing his jogging.
"Max, what are you doing? I whisper to him with concern.
He turns to me.
- I'll open the door, you just have to make up an excuse if you don't want the person who's coming home to think we slept together.
I look at him with dismay and I understand that he wants to test me. Whether I'm going to be proud of both of us or hide. I'm terrified and I feel like I'm already ready to vomit at the thought of someone finding me here, almost naked, in the bed of a man who's supposed to be my rival in Formula One.
Max gives me one last look before he opens the door. I hurry to put on the first T-shirt I can find and get up at crazy speed to stop Max from opening the fucking door.
But it's too late.
By the time I reach him, he's already opened the door.
We both find ourselves facing Jos Verstappen.
There is a moment of silence that seems to last for hours. I stare at the man in front of me, his face probably as livid as mine.
Suddenly he blinks before frowning and speaking.
"What the hell are you doing, Max? Everyone's waiting for you. And what is he doing in your hotel room?"
Max ignores his father and turns to me, waiting to see what I'm going to say, what I'm going to make up as a lie, but I'm paralyzed, terrified, unable to react, and he can see it in my eyes.
Then he turns to his father, chin and shoulders straight, proud look.
"I'm gay, Dad, I think you already knew that, and Charles is my boyfriend."
I don't remember exactly what happened next because of the terror that took over my whole body. But there's one thing I can't forget.
The venomous look, full of rage, anger and disgust that Jos Verstappen gave me.
After that, the day passed like a nightmare. I was summoned urgently by my team, by Ferrari. I would like to think that this has nothing to do with what happened earlier in the day, but I know in my heart that it is not.
I find myself sitting next to my press secretary, my manager and a host of other people who manage Ferrari's media image. Opposite me, on the other side of the meeting table are Binotto and a lawyer.
I feel like I'm jumping back in time, three years ago, when I was summoned for kissing a man in a nightclub.
My hands are wet and shaky against my thighs.
I look at Binotto's eyes, he's not smiling. Instead, he scrapes his throat, crosses his hands in front of him, on the table, and begins the conversation.
"Charles, we have summoned you as a result of information that has come to us today. Its information involves an ambiguous, even intimate relationship with a driver of a competing team of formula one, as well as the transmission and sharing of confidential information with that driver. "
I don't know if my face is red, white or green, but what is certain is that I am far from having a normal skin color while I listen to Binotto announce what I am accused of without an ounce of emotion.
"What can you tell us about that?
- I haven't shared any information on the team with anyone, and I would never do that.
- It's your word against our source. We're going to have to take precautions for the safety and integrity of Ferrari. "
I can't believe my word isn't worth more than Jos Verstappen's. After all these years, how can they still believe that I'm not completely devoted to Ferrari? I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything for them. When was the last time a driver was as involved as I was in this team despite the difficulties?
"We're going to need you to immediately stop seeing or meeting other drivers, and Max Verstappen in particular outside the framework of race weekends. We need to make sure nothing's leaked.
- You can't stop me from doing that. It's not in my contract.
Binotto's gaze turns to his left where the lawyer holds in his hands a file of sheets of paper. A new contract, I understand immediately.
- You'll have to sign a new one if you want to stay with us.
- No. I wouldn't sign that shit. That's out of the question.
- Then there is an investigation if you refuse to do it in the clean way.
- Do whatever you want, but I won't sign them.
- It's your choice, however, but you should know that you risk losing your Ferrari seat if word gets out that you've seen Max Verstappen again, alone and out of the paddock. "
I suddenly get up from my seat, ready to throw up. I cross the eyes of every person in the room, tears in their eyes.
"After all I've done for you, after all the sacrifices, the failures, all the contracts I've refused, those contracts that would have make me won me a long time ago, don't you trust me? Or maybe you're all just homophobic. But I think we both know that already.
- It's not about us individually, it's about the interest of the whole team that comes first.
- And will the fact that I love a man have a negative impact on the team?
- Yes. Especially if it's Max Verstappen."
I leave the room and take the first taxi I see back to my hotel room. My phone keeps vibrating in my pocket and I finally pick up the phone, crying and I can't help it.
"Charles? What happened?
- I told you, but you wouldn't listen. Ferrari will never let me have you. It's my F1 seat or you, Max, it's over, I don't have a choice, I'm so sorry."
I knew I'd end up having to choose between him and Ferrari. I just didn't think that day would come so soon and it would hurt so bad.