It had been three days.
Three days since I tried to kiss the one person I should never even think about like that. Three days since I made a complete fool of myself, three days since I got rejected in the most soul-crushing way and three days since I'd been swimming in self-pity, feeling so miserable that it physically hurts.
It was my own fault really. I don't even know what I was thinking.
That she'd reciprocate my feelings? That she'd melt against me instead of pulling away? Or maybe that I could make her suddenly forget about her perfect boyfriend, who she had been in love with for years?
I'm such a fucking moron.
I don't think I had ever done anything this stupid in the 23 years that I'd been alive. Not just trying to kiss a girl who wasn't mine to kiss, but falling in love with her, too... I swear I'm the biggest idiot on the planet.
April and I hadn't talked since I ran away that night. Not really, anyway. It was kind of impossible not to share a word with her when we were all locked up in a house for the weekend, surrounded by our friends – so our communication was reduced to the most awkward dialogues and small talk in history, asking if the other wanted coffee in the morning or sharing comments on how nice the weather was.
It was awful. I wanted to die in embarrassment, hide away not just from her but from the whole world. And I knew she wanted to talk about it, even attempted to do so a few times, but I would never survive that. I knew what she'd say – that it was okay, that it didn't mean anything and that it doesn't have to be weird between us now, but she'd also stare into my soul with those big blue eyes of hers while saying those words, making it obvious how sorry she was for me and I just couldn't have that. I'd rather be in this awkward place with her for eternity than to listen to the pity-speech and have her look at me like that.
We would never be able to forget about it anyway, so there was no point in trying really. We could pretend all we wanted, but from now on, whenever our eyes met we'd be reminded. I'd remember being so close to her, smelling her perfume, the feeling of my lips brushing against hers and what it was like to have her breath hitting my skin.
And April... well, she'd remember the discomfort and the absolute panic she must've felt when she realised what I was about to do. From now on every time she'd look at me, she'd see the shame and embarrassment on my face, just like she did when she rejected me.
There was no way out. This was it, I'd barely been here for two weeks and I already fucked it up.
Realising this, I spent last night looking at plane tickets. I had nowhere near enough money to pay for a flight back home yet, but I was hoping Andrew would help me out with that. Maybe if I explained the situation, he'd agree that there was no other solution than for me to cut the trip short. It clearly wasn't a good idea to leave the safety of England, there might be a reason for the fact that I never stepped out of London before.
Obviously, being spontaneous like this wasn't for me. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to step out of my comfort zone, I should've known that it would only lead to disaster.
Sitting on Andrew's couch, I thought through what I was going to say to him. My left knee rapidly bounced up and down in anxiety, my eyes fixated on the front door, waiting for it to finally burst open. I was impatient and nervous, my jaw tight and my throat dry, afraid of my cousin's reaction.
Was he going to be mad at me? For going after one of his best friends? For having a crush on the long-term girlfriend of another one of his best friends?
Jesus, I swear this shit sounds like the worst melodrama ever.
I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the door opening, making me sit up straighter as if I was caught doing something wrong.
"Hey, man." Andrew sent me one of his signature grins, kicking off his shoes carelessly.
"Hi." I mumbled back. It took me a great deal of effort to stop my voice from wavering. "How was the bar?"
Yesterday, as well as tonight, I had skipped out on the bar scene. I didn't really feel like I could walk into Troubadour as if everything was okay. I could barely look April in the eye in the last few days, I couldn't even imagine having to sit with her for hours while drinking our body weight in beer.
"It was good." He grinned again. "You should've been there. The guys are missing you."
"They do, huh?"
"Mhm. April was asking about you."
My heart skipped a beat at that. I would've loved to ask for details, like what her exact question was or what facial expression she was wearing while asking it, but I shut my mouth. It was probably better not to know anyway, I'd be only disappointed, I guess. I knew the only thing she felt for me was pity, no matter how much I wanted it to be more than that.
So I didn't say anything, I watched in silence as Andrew moved around the living room for a bit, gathering some of his things before he headed for the stairs, probably ready to put an end to this night. It was late, and I could tell he was a bit tipsy, another wild day behind him.
"I'll see you tomorrow, kid." He waved at me with a lazy grin, turned around and was just about to climb up the stairs when my small, almost panicky voice came out and stopped him.
"Andrew!"
Hearing me, he swiftly turned around, a look of fatigue on his face and for a second, I once again contemplated not saying anything. He didn't seem like he was ready to listen to my drama, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it inside any longer.
I had to tell him, it was eating me alive.
"What's up?" He asked tiredly.
"I-I need to– uh... Can you sit down?" I stammered, already sweating. "I need to talk to you."
Andrew furrowed his eyebrows at that, clearly confused. He watched me carefully, but didn't say a word as he walked back into the room and slowly took a seat in one of the armchairs across from me. He seemed calm, but also wary, his eyes darting over my features as if he was trying to figure me out.
"Everything okay, kid?" He then questioned after a long moment of silence.
I gulped, not knowing what to say. Everything was not okay, of course. In the span of the last two weeks, my whole world turned upside down and the reason behind it was one girl. A girl that I wasn't supposed to have any sorts of feelings for and yet, within days she made me a mess. And now I had to come clean about it to my cousin.
So no, everything wasn't okay.
"Everything's fine." I lied through my teeth, shifting on the couch nervously. "I-I just need to tell you something."
"Okay..." Andrew urged me on. "I'm listening."
"It's about April." I glanced up at him anxiously, searching for his reaction. His face barely moved though, he still looked as confused as before.
"What about April?"
There was no right way to say this, I had realised that a long time ago. No matter what the delivery was like, he was going to get upset either way. It was a tight group, what they had. The guys were protective of the girls and the girls were loyal to the guys. A crush like this could only mean trouble and so it was obvious to me that Andrew wasn't going to be understanding, patient, let alone reassuring about my revelation, no matter how I chose to tell him.
So I decided on the fastest way. Blurting it out.
"I'm in love with her." The words were out before my brain even realised that my lips were moving. I didn't dare look him in the eyes anymore, I was so ashamed and embarrassed that my courage to do so was long gone. I could feel my skin burning up in humiliation, my whole face turning red like a tomato as I awaited his answer.
I expected him to be shocked – which he was, judging from the excruciatingly long silence that fell over the room. What I didn't expect was the laugh that followed after. A booming, loud laugh that filled the awkward space between us and somehow made it even more awkward.
Because I didn't find the situation funny at all. To me, this wasn't a joke.
"Okay, that was a good one. Thanks, man." Andrew declared through a fit of chuckles once the laughter died down a bit, about to stand up again. I just stared at him, dumbfounded. "A joke like this was the perfect ending to the night. I always forget that despite your shyness, you can be a real hoot sometimes."
He was already halfway up when I stopped him again.
"I wasn't joking." I muttered quietly, shaking my head.
At the sound of my small voice, Andrew froze and turned to me, the grin on his face slowly morphing into a frown when he realised how serious I was actually being.
"Of course you're joking." He stated matter of factly, making a sound that I could only describe as the mix of a scoff and a disbelieving chuckle.
"I'm not." I shook my head again, my voice slightly wavering as my emotions came to the surface. Of course, him laughing at me was still a better reaction than him yelling, but I also couldn't help and feel deeply hurt by the fact that I wasn't taken seriously.
Andrew looked puzzled as he watched me in silence for a few seconds, before lowering himself back into the armchair.
"You're saying you're in love with her?" He questioned, raising his eyebrows.
"I am." I nodded, still blushing. I tried to sound confident, but it was hard when Andrew looked at me that way, clearly doubting my every word.
"I don't think you are, kid." He shook his head, a pitiful look on his face. I didn't say anything to that, but I could feel my anger babbling deep inside. He almost sounded like he was mocking me and I hated it.
My feelings were valid, they were real and I was being honest, yet Andrew acted like I had no idea what I was talking about. Like I didn't have a single clue what the word love meant. At my silence, he continued.
"You've known her for what? Two weeks? I'm sorry, but that's nothing. You don't even know her. How could you be in love with her when she's practically still a stranger to you?"
"She's not a stranger." I frowned. "I-It doesn't feel like it, at least. I feel like I know her. I care about her and I love her–"
"You can't love her."
"I can." I insisted, clenching my jaw. "And I do."
"You've got a crush, kid. There's a difference–"
"Stop calling me a kid!" I snapped at him, raising my voice – something that I literally never do. I felt cornered though, Andrew didn't believe a word I said and it stung. Being treated like a five year old was something that I didn't tolerate. I was quiet and timid and yes, maybe I was a pushover and didn't always stand my ground, but I wasn't stupid and I certainly wasn't a kid.
"I know the difference, and it's not a fucking a crush. I am in love with her. I've been in love with her since the moment our eyes met, she's all I can think about and she's all I fucking want. She makes me feel things I had never even dreamed of feeling before. You think I'd tell you about this if it wasn't real? If I didn't mean it? You think I don't know how bad it is that I feel this way? She has a fucking boyfriend, for fuck's sake. She's with someone else, someone that she loves– not to mention the fact that she literally lives an ocean away from me. She's here and I'm in England and she's in love with another guy and I–"
"Okay," Andrew cut me off, getting up to join me on the couch instead. "Okay, okay, okay. Harry, slow down..."
I didn't even realise how upset I had gotten until a tear slipped from the corner of my eyes. The anger now dissipated, it was gone as quickly as it came, but the hurt was still there. Mostly because I knew I was too far gone. I had fallen for her so deeply that it felt like there was no way out, even if I knew she'd never be mine.
I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and blinked some more tears away, my heart rate slowing down as Andrew watched me with concern in his eyes.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled after a moment of silence. "You're not a kid, alright? I'm sor–"
"It's fine." I shook my head, nibbling on my lips. I wasn't sure how to continue, or what to say next. I felt so small and vulnerable at that moment that all I wanted was to disappear and forget this conversation ever happened. Sadly, that wasn't exactly an option.
"I tried to kiss her." I whispered after a long pause, staring down at my fiddling hands in embarrassment. Andrew said nothing, I'm sure he was shocked but he still stayed quiet, waiting for me to keep going. "It happened on the beach. The first night... I heard them in the next room. Just laughing, and... kissing– I don't know. It was awful, I had to get out of there so I went down to clear my head a bit and she... she came after me. We sat there and talked, I-I'm not even sure for how long. The sun started coming up and it just felt so... magical? I don't know, it's stupid."
"And you tried to kiss her?"
"I did." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "She pulled away."
"And what happened after?" Andrew questioned.
"I felt so mortified that I immediately ran back to the house."
"Have you talked about it? With her?"
I shook my head at that.
"I can barely look her in the eyes." I let out a quiet, humourless chuckle as if my misery was amusing in the weirdest, most twisted way. "I don't know what to do."
It was quiet between us for a while. Andrew was trying his best to take in everything that I had just shared while I sat there with an aching heart. It was awful. A kind of pain that I couldn't compare to anything else. It was all new to me, something that I had never experienced before. I never even thought it was possible to be so infatuated with someone, and honestly, if I knew that it came with so much hurt I would've rather stayed in the dark.
After several minutes, the silence started becoming too loud and so I thought it was time to break it.
"I started looking up plane tickets." I cleared my throat and admitted in a whisper. "I don't have enough money yet, but I thought maybe you could help me out a bit–"
"What?" Andrew cut me off, frowning. "Y-You want to go home?"
"I think I should, yeah."
"No." He shook his head. "No, you can't go home. You've barely been here for like three weeks."
"Andrew–" I tried, but quickly got interrupted again.
"No. I'm not letting you leave. We have years to make up for, man. I missed you and you're finally here and it's been so much fun... You have to stay."
"I don't know..." I shook my head with an unsure look on my face. "I really don't think–"
"Please?"
"And what? Do I just... ignore the fact that I'm madly in love with one of your closest friends who has a boyfriend and will never feel the same way?"
"Well... yeah?" He shrugged, a hint of a smile playing in the corner of his lips. The situation was quite comical though, in his defence. "Look, just– try and take a step back, maybe? Keep some distance. It won't be easy, but you gotta try it for me– and for the others. They really do like you, Harry."
I took a deep breath and sent him another anxious look. I honestly doubted that this could work. If I couldn't push my feelings down so far then why would I be able to do it now?
On the other hand though, it really had been fun. I missed Andrew too, and all his friends were amazing, including Will. If it wasn't for April, the idea of leaving early wouldn't even cross my mind. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. I was already part of this little group and the thought of packing my shit up, going back to England and never seeing them again, made my stomach twist.
"I like them too." I whispered, blushing a bit.
"So you'll stay?"
I hesitated for another long moment, before my heart beat my brain and I was nodding. I only actually realised what I had agreed to when I saw the relief on Andrew's face, a huge grin replacing the frown and for that one look, I knew my decision was already worth it.
*
It was the next day that I finally managed to gather enough courage and step foot in Troubadour again. I had the afternoon shift, but it might as well counted as a whole work day, because from the moment I woke up that morning, I spent every single minute preparing myself to see her.
She'd be on stage tonight and so we had an inevitable encounter ahead of ourselves and I wasn't sure I was ready. On one hand, I missed her like crazy. In these past few days, I replayed the sound of her laugh in my head over and over again, and I pictured those ocean eyes and that mischievous grin an embarrassing amount of times – something that I wasn't proud of.
Tonight, she'd actually be there though. Standing in front of me. And I'd have to look at her and talk to her and act like taking her in my arms and kissing her stupid wasn't the only thing I wanted to do. And it was killing me. It felt like torture and I knew there was no way I could get out of it, so after calling Andrew and listening to his well needed pep talk, I finally left for work.
The first few hours went by agonisingly slowly. I was on my own with my thoughts, no one to distract me or to get my mind off of the one girl that I shouldn't be thinking of. Steph - one of the bartenders - then joined me later once the bar opened its doors, and time started going by faster, but still not fast enough. People started rolling in and finally I could get lost in mixing all sorts of drinks and cocktails, a concentrated frown between my eyebrows as I did my best to remember April's instructions and not fuck anything up.
It was around eight when she walked in. My gaze was immediately drawn to her like a moth to a flame, I watched her with longing eyes, frozen in place, the whiskey bottle and ice-filled glass long forgotten in my hands. When she was around, I couldn't focus on anything else but her.
She just had this aura and I knew others noticed it too. She was turning heads left and right, one of the many reasons behind her indescribable stage presence. With her toothy smiles and playful glances she was like a warm, bright light, shining through whatever darkness.
Not long after she walked in, our eyes met. She was with some people I didn't know, in the middle of a seemingly very important conversation. The girl on her right used heavy hand gestures while the guy on her other side nodded along in agreement, but April gave the impression of only listening with half an ear and instead being somewhere else.
She looked happy to see me, or at least I'd like to believe she did. Her eyes were more blue than ever, I could see it even from this distance and I couldn't miss the tiny smile grazing her lips either. She even attempted to take a mindless step towards me before she got pulled along by her friends, and eventually disappeared out in the back. I didn't see her for like an hour and a half after that.
Everyone else slowly arrived in the meantime, first Leo and Tommy walked in together, then Sasha joined them and finally, Andrew showed up as well. He came straight to me, ordered a beer and pretended it wasn't just an excuse to make sure I was okay – I appreciated the gesture though.
Before I knew it, April's set was starting. When the now familiar chords of her intro hit my ears, I couldn't help but turn towards the stage, even despite the sharp pain shooting through my chest the second that my gaze landed on her. She was wearing some kind of lacy bralette, a vintage vest thrown over it, paired with black flared jeans and no shoes, of course. I was completely blown away by the look, my eyes shamelessly dragging down her figure as she did her signature pose in the middle of the stage, people whistling and cheering her on.
She showed more skin than I had ever seen her do, making me blush like a schoolboy as I watched her. I knew I should've looked away, I knew staring at her like I wanted to devour her wasn't exactly considered as 'keeping my distance' and yet, I couldn't help myself. She was simply irresistible to me and I fucking hated myself for that.
Only once she started singing the first lines of the song she usually opened with, - the one I pretty much knew the words to by heart at this point - could I tear my eyes away. I turned my back to her and never even glanced in the direction of the stage again, until her set was done. I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to take my eyes off of her one more time, and so I chose to completely turn away instead.
I listened to her, though. Her heavenly voice entered my system like a plague and made my knees go weak, every single fibre of my being buzzing. I loved listening to her sing so much. It was mostly sad songs tonight, not the usual jumping and dancing around, but she still delivered every single note perfectly. The talent she had was incredible and if she were mine, I'd praise her every single day for it.
I was lost in my mind, finishing up washing some dirty glasses and carefully placing them back into their place when I heard someone taking a seat in front of me at the bar. Since April had gotten off the stage a few minutes ago, it quieted down a little, giving me some time to clean up a bit and also to take a breather.
"What can I get y–" I started the well-rehearsed question, reaching for a glass, though the words got stuck in my throat when I lifted my head...
Because there she was, sitting in front of me, with a slightly amused look in her eyes.
"Hi." She smiled, tilting her head to the side in the most adorable way.
"H-Hi." I stuttered, my cheeks turning pink. I then dropped my gaze down to the glass in my hands, and without another word, I started making her regular drink – a negroni.
I tried to focus on every little movement, doing my best to ignore my shaking fingers and the fact that I could already feel the tiny drops of sweat at the back of my neck. I was nervous – why, I wasn't sure. But she was here, and I could smell her perfume and she was gorgeous and I wasn't supposed to think of her like that. And yet, it took everything in me to not lean in and try to kiss her again.
"So..." April was the one breaking the long, awkward silence between us. "Is this what we're doing now? Not talking? Really?"
I gulped, finishing off her drink with a small orange peel and placing it in front of her. I didn't know what to say, so I stayed quiet.
"Look, Harry." She sighed. "What happened the other day–"
"Can't we just... forget about that?" I cut her off quickly, internally cringing. "I was really drunk and I didn't mean to... I-I mean I... I shouldn't have... done that. I'm sorry for crossing the line and for... putting you in that position. It won't happen again, I'm sorry."
It was all a lie, of course. Although I did drink a lot that night, sitting there with her, I had never felt more sober. Leaning in like that, it was a completely conscious decision. I didn't necessarily think it through, it was more of an instinct but I did know what I was doing.
I did want to kiss her that night. Hell, I wanted to kiss her right now.
Unfortunately, she didn't want the same.
April looked like she wanted to say a million things, the many emotions behind her eyes were telling, but she stayed quiet. I think she understood my silent wish to put an end to this conversation and so she just gave me a small nod and changed the subject.
"You didn't watch me tonight." She stated in a soft voice after a moment of pause, taking a sip from her drink while I busied myself with a washcloth, wiping down the bartop. My heart almost cracked at the barely noticeable disappointment in her tone.
"I did." I lied through my teeth, avoiding her eyes.
"You didn't."
"How do you know?"
She shrugged at that, still staring at me with a thoughtful look on her face.
"I always know when you're watching." Her revelation made me lift my head, my ears turning pink. "I can feel your eyes on me."
I was speechless for a few, long seconds that felt like eternity in my head. The air got stuck in my throat, lips parted, hands frozen on the countertop.
"T-That's good to know." I eventually managed to spit out, playing it off as a joke and hoping it would break the awkward tension in the air between us.
She made me so nervous, saying shit like that and I didn't even really know why. It was stupid, I guess I just felt extremely exposed whenever she so much as glanced in my direction, like she could see right through me. The thought of her knowing how obsessed I was, made me want to hide under the table in embarrassment.
"Anyway," April sent me a small smile, her eyes lingering on my blushing cheeks as she got up from the barstool. "I'll be over there, with the others."
She gestured towards our regular booth where everyone else was sitting, already half-drunk, laughing and joking around.
"Come join us? Whenever you're... less busy?"
I bit down on my lip unsurely, not knowing whether I was ready to be around her for more than a few, awkward minutes.
"Yeah... maybe." I breathed and after another long moment of us just staring at each other, April eventually turned around and headed over to the others.
My lips involuntarily curled up at the sight of them cheering and jumping up when she came into view, Leo immediately wrapping her up in a tight hug. Before completely turning my back to them, I also caught Andrew's eyes as he shot me a quick glance, which felt oddly reassuring and helped slow down my heartbeat.
The evening then progressed quite easily, people kept coming in, but the place still wasn't packed. Steph and I managed perfectly fine – in fact, two people behind the bar almost felt too much and so once the clock hit eleven, I told her to go. She had mentioned something about a friend's birthday party tonight, and I thought it was only fair if I let her leave early, considering how I was clearly fine on my own.
Her wide grin and the way she hugged me in gratitude made my decision a hundred percent worth it. The fact that now I was actually busy and didn't have to only pretend so I wouldn't need to join the guys, was just a bonus.
Rain came pouring down at one point around midnight, apparently a huge storm was in the making and when people realised that, the bar slowly started clearing out. Everyone wanted to make it home before the big thing would hit, including Sasha and Tommy. They were the first ones to leave out of our little group, Andrew and Leo following shortly after. They offered April a drive too – I was only half listening to their conversation, but still heard how she turned them down and said she'd stay a bit longer.
I was gathering glasses, washing and putting them away, wiping down tables and taking the trash out while the last customers slowly left one by one, until eventually, it was only April and two of her friends that stayed. I didn't know them, but by this time I had realised that April had many friends and a bunch of people knew her, she often got pulled into conversations by strangers after a set and therefore made new connections basically every other day.
"You never joined us." I was snapped out of my thoughts by her sweet voice, startled at the sudden interruption. Turning around I put a pin in stocking the fridge, my eyes landing on her figure.
"Yeah, I was... kinda busy." I forced a small smile at her and watched as the front door closed behind her two friends. "Weren't they supposed to be your ride home?"
April shrugged at that.
"It's fine. I wanted to stay and help you clean up."
"You really don't have to do that." I shook my head. "You can go hom—"
"I'm staying." She ignored my attempt at sparing her of the rather painful acts of cleaning, and before I could even finish my sentence, she had already walked around the bar, now standing right next to me.
I rolled my eyes as she reached for one of the still dirty whiskey glasses beside the sink.
"April, stop—"
"It's fine, Harry."
"It's not." I pushed. "You don't need to do this. You should just go home."
"I don't need to, but I want to."
Her stubbornness was driving me insane, and realising that my words clearly had no effect, I decided to take action instead. I grabbed onto the glass in her hands - already covered in soapy water - and tried prying her fingers off of it, but her grip only tightened at that.
"Give it to me." I sent her a warning look, slowly becoming more and more irritated.
"No." April pressed her lips together, shaking her head.
"Give. It." I hissed through gritted teeth.
The only answer was another shake of her head, which made my blood boil and before I could've thought it through, I was already pulling on the glass, hoping she'd finally give up. She seemingly had no such intentions though, because her response to that was to pull even harder.
"April, plea—"
I was cut off by the shrill sound of the glass landing on the hardwood floor, both April and I flinching in shock. The soap-covered crystal easily slipped through our fingers and we were now standing in a million shards, all as sharp as a knife.
"Shit." I cursed under my breath.
April was silent for a moment, her eyes on the floor.
"I'll get the broom." She then spoke up and I let her leave, completely giving up on the whole resistance thing.
While she went to get the cleaning stuff we needed, I crouched down and started picking up the bigger pieces, throwing them into the bin. I was clearly too much in my own head though, because I successfully grabbed onto one of the shards the wrong way, cutting my finger in the process.
"Fucking hell." I winced in both pain and anger, dropping whatever was in my hand instantly.
"You okay?" I heard April's voice and I was just about to nod my head when I looked down and saw the blood.
It wasn't a lot, a few drops at most, but it was blood. Something that I did not take well at all.
"I think I'm going to pass out." I announced as I already felt the nausea taking over and when April realised that I wasn't kidding, she immediately dropped the broom and the dustpan, rushing to my side.
"Woah— easy, easy..." She murmured as she stabilised me and guided me down to a fully sitting position on the floor, my back resting against the bar. "Not a big fan of blood, huh?"
"You could say that..." I breathed as all colour left my face.
"That's fine." She shook her head with a small smile, pulling a few tissues out of her back pocket. "I've got you, don't worry."
I took a deep breath, trying to calm my heartbeat down. The way my head was spinning made it hard to focus on anything other than the feeling of the blood running down my fingers and when I glanced down to take a look, it only made it worse.
"J-Just don't look down. Look at me. Up here." April quickly guided my chin up, our eyes meeting. She gave me an encouraging look as I breathed through the nausea shakily, doing my best to guide all my attention to her instead of my own hand. "There you go. That's it."
Staring at her turned out to be a better distraction than anything else. I studied her beautiful face carefully, taking in every single tiny detail – from the length of her eyelashes all the way to the small freckle by the corner of her mouth. She was gorgeous, everything about her mesmerised me to no end, I was a goner whenever I so much as laid my eyes on her.
"You're doing great... almost done." I heard her mumbling under her breath, my gaze focused on the way her lips moved. I would've given fucking anything to feel her lips on mine in that moment, I wanted to know what it was like so bad. "See? Much better, isn't it?"
I was snapped out of my daydream once I couldn't feel her hands on mine anymore, my chest becoming heavy again.
"Mhm." I hummed, looking down to see the cut wrapped in a makeshift bandage made of paper towels and some plasters. "Thanks."
"Sure." April sent me a smile, creating some space between us as she cleaned up the bloody tissues, making me already miss her proximity. "Ready to get up yet?"
"Actually," I cleared my throat. "I'd rather stay for another minute, if that's okay."
I didn't necessarily feel sick anymore, staying seated on the floor just seemed like a good excuse to have April close to me.
"Of course." She nodded. "Want me to get you a glass of water? Or something stronger, maybe?"
The corner of my lips curled up into a smile at that and I knew immediately what my reply was going to be, but before I could even get one word out, my cheeks had already turned a deep shade of red.
"Are you trying to get me drunk?" I asked bravely, blushing at my own flirtatious undertone.
April seemed surprised for a second, her eyes widening ever so slightly at my words, but then she quickly recovered and nudged my shoulder playfully.
"Sure." She scoffed with a smile. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, pretty boy."
I could tell she didn't mean to let the pet name slip out, it was written all over her face. The second the two words accidentally left her mouth, she avoided my eyes like her life depended on it, trying to make herself busy by cleaning the broken glass up and throwing the dirty paper towels away, pretending like it never happened.
I heard her loud and clear though, and there was no way in hell I was letting her get away with it.
"You think I'm pretty?" I asked quietly.
"No." April shrugged, but the wide grin had already made its way onto my face and there was absolutely nothing she could do or say to wipe it off there.
"Yes, you do." I pushed, grinning like an idiot.
"I don't."
"You do. You just said it. You called me pretty boy."
"That's not–"
"You think I'm pretty." I kept teasing and for the very first time in the weeks that I had known her, April blushed. It wasn't all that noticeable, but I could see the way her cheeks pinked in the most adorable way, making my heart beat ten times faster.
"Oh, shut up." She then groaned, throwing a washcloth at me. "So what? You think I'm pretty."
For a long moment, I just stared at her. The air between us became tense, but not the bad kind. It was as if we both just realised how true her words actually were.
"Yeah, I do." I whispered eventually, my tone switching from playful to dead serious.
With all this bickering, it was all the same again. Like nothing had happened, like I never tried kissing her and like she never rejected me. I wanted to stay here, in this place with her forever. It was definitely not ideal, I wasn't keeping the distance that I was supposed to, but I didn't care.
April's expression changed too, her features softened and once again, she was blushing. She didn't say anything though, silence took over for a bit, only the sounds of the extreme storm happening outside surrounded us – before she then slid down against the wall across from me, taking a seat on the floor as well.
"So," she began, making me tilt my head to the side as I listened. "What else are you afraid of? Other than blood, I mean."
"I'm not afraid of blood." I corrected quickly, not surprised at the way she changed the subject at all. "I just don't really enjoy looking at it. Especially if it's my own."
April smiled at that, and I continued.
"Not a big fan of heights, either." I admitted. "And bugs, of course."
"Bugs? Really?"
"Mhm." I hummed and she was full on grinning now, amusement written all over her beautiful face. "You?"
"Nothing." She shook her head.
"Liar."
April gasped at my accusation, faking an offended facial expression.
"I'm not lying!"
"Sure you are." I pushed. "There's no way you don't have any fears or phobias. Come on, I told you mine. Can't be more embarrassing than bugs."
April laughed, making that almost familiar warmth spread all over my chest. I loved making her laugh more than anything.
"I'm not telling you." She stubbornly stated with a shake of her head, but as she said it, the blaring echoes of a thunder could be heard from outside. I watched as April flinched at the sound, even though she tried her best to sit still. She swallowed, and the calm look in her eyes was gone for a second – that's how I knew it.
"It's the storm, isn't it?" I asked quietly, curiosity lacing my voice.
"Hm?" She snapped out of it, playing pretend.
"You're afraid of the storm." She crossed her arms in front of her chest in defence, but didn't say anything so I continued. "That's why you stayed. You wanted to wait for it to go away."
She paused, rolling her lips into her mouth. She probably realised at that moment there was no point in denying it anymore.
"Maybe." She shrugged eventually, like it was no big deal.
She didn't seem particularly embarrassed by her own revelation, more so shy – a look I wasn't very used to from her. She was always confident and loud, it was strange seeing her in a vulnerable state like this, but I felt privileged nonetheless. Whenever she opened up to me, I took it as some kind of gift.
I wanted to know everything about her, I cared about the good and the bad as well, and so whenever she gave me little crumbs and pieces like these, my infatuation towards her only grew.
"Come on," I broke the silence after a bit, getting to my feet and pulling her up as well. "I'll drive you home."
"You don't have to do that." April shook her head.
"I want to."
"Harry, it's fine. I don't mind staying."
"Staying?" I raised my eyebrows at that. "Y-You want to sleep here?"
"Wouldn't be the first time. I have a perfectly good couch in my dressing room."
Something in her eyes told me to ignore the first part of that confession, so I did.
"That's crazy. I-I'm not letting you stay."
"It's fin–"
"It's not fine." I cut her off, shaking my head. The thought of her spending the night here, on a fucking couch, made my heart break. "Help me wipe off the tables so we can go."
I threw a wet washcloth at her that she successfully managed to catch, and without another word I started going around, wiping clean the still dirty tables. April reluctantly followed my example once she understood that I wasn't kidding about this.
We worked in silence, but it wasn't awkward. It was comfortable again, familiar – like we had known each other for a lifetime, even if we didn't. Even if it hadn't even been a month.
She never felt like a stranger to me, not even the first time we met. It was like she had always been a part of my life, a part of me, we just hadn't had the chance to get to know each other before. But this, this was my chance. And I desperately wanted to know all of it.
Once we were done with the tables, April went to get the mop while I counted tonight's tips. It boosted my ego just a tiny bit when I saw the full jar sitting on the countertop, knowing that I had probably done something right today. Could've been my pretty face, but that's still something.
"All right, I'm all done." April announced with a tired look in her eyes and immediately, I was ready to go. I wanted to get her home so she could rest, she clearly needed it.
"Lock up while I get the car?" I asked, throwing the keys of the front door at her as I joined her by the entrance. April gave me a nod and a second later we were already out in the pouring rain, the sky clearly being in a mood tonight.
I ran across the street as fast as I could, getting soaked in the process, before I hopped into the car and started the engine. By the time April finished locking up, I was already waiting for her by the door. She jumped in and I drove off with a hammering heart, feeling her closeness more than ever in the warmth of the car.
It was silent for a bit, only the sounds of the rain falling in torrents surrounded us. In addition to that, the wind and the lightning made the storm truly frightful. There was not a soul in the streets, no man in their right mind would step out of the safety of their home in a weather like this. It was terrifying.
I could sense how anxious April was even without looking at her. She muttered directions every now and then in a small voice, only a word or two. Right now, she was lacking that confidence that I was so used to from her. She seemed like the kind of person who was fearless, just cool and collected, always. I thought there wasn't one thing that could make her get cold feet or even to flinch in this world, and yet, something as simple as the storm surely did the job.
I didn't even think about it when my hand fell on her thigh, squeezing just above her knee in hopes of comforting her somehow. I only realised what I was doing when April snapped her head in my direction, eyes wide in slight shock. She never made any attempts to pull away though, she simply let my hand rest on her clothed thigh. When my gaze met hers at a red light, once overcoming the initial surprise, she only looked grateful.
Holding onto her like that made my whole body buzz. It suddenly felt like a hundred degrees in this car, I could barely breathe, my throat went dry and my fingertips were itching to get closer. To feel her skin on mine, even if just for a second.
It was like I had never touched a woman before in my life. That's what it felt like, it was new. And exciting. And so so stupid, because why did a simple contact like that make me lose my mind instantly? We weren't even holding hands, for fuck's sake.
"That's me." April broke the silence after a while, snapping me out of it as she pointed at a house on our right.
I pulled over and parked the car, clearing my throat a bit awkwardly before I retreated my touch. April sent me a small smile and if I didn't know any better, I'd think it was laced with disappointment.
"Thanks for the ride, Harry." She whispered, and the way she said my name made me feel like crying. I loved when she said my name.
"Sure." I nodded, forcing a smile. "Anytime."
"So I guess that's goodnight then." She shifted in her seat, as if she was waiting for me to disagree. I didn't have the guts to do so.
"I guess it is."
"I'll see you around?"
"D-Definitely." I swallowed hard, feeling the nerves creeping up. Why, I had no idea.
April waited another second, our eyes meeting - a look in hers that I couldn't quite decipher - before she reached for the door and clicked it open, ready to get out. But instead of doing so, she turned back to me one last time.
"Do you want to come in?" Her question didn't sound well thought out. At first I wasn't even sure if I heard her correctly and what's even more interesting, seemingly neither was she. She looked surprised by her own words.
My answer should've been no. I should've said no right away, but somehow I lost control over my own brain, because my next question made absolute zero sense.
"Is Will... away?" It was stupid of me to ask such a thing for many reasons, one being that I already knew the answer to that.
He was in fact away and how did I know? Because I had talked to him this morning. We texted on a daily basis since the beach trip, we became friends there, confidants even. I liked him and I knew he liked me too. And now I was sitting in a car with his girlfriend, asking if he was away, in case it wasn't safe for me to walk into their shared home.
God, I was such a fucking terrible person.
"He's in Chicago, yes." April told me slowly, even though I think she sensed that I was aware of that fact already.
Now I still had the chance to say no to her. To not step over a very clear line. To shake my head, tell her goodnight and drive home. To make the right decision.
But I was too fucking weak. And too much in love with her. I never in my life wanted anything more than I wanted her, and even if I tried fighting my subconscious, deep down I knew there was no way in hell I would be able to say no to her. Ever.
And so I nodded.
It was the wrong choice, a very very bad idea and still, I couldn't find it in me to care right now.
***
hope you love this at least half as much as i do!!
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