[KULANI]
This is the part about marriage I don’t like. It’s in the AMs and Kurhula is kissing on my shoulder. I know exactly what he wants and I’m not up for it. I spent the whole of yesterday in the field, harvesting herbs and having lengthy conversations with the dead.
‘Baby?’ I call. I can barely keep my eyes open. He’s caressing my thigh.
‘Hm?’ he answers – still at it.
‘Not today’
He stops. ‘Are you okay?’
I sigh. ‘Not really. My lower back is sore’ I report. I feel like there’s pent up pressure and tension there that needs to be released.
‘What can I do to help?’
I’m glad he asked. ‘Sit on me’ I say and lie properly on my stomach. He’s hesitant.
‘You sure?’
‘Yeah. I need to feel something heavy there to feel better’
He removes the duvet and does as I say. The relief that befalls me? I feel like he’s in the process of untying a tight knot.
‘This way?’ he asks and I nod. He starts massaging my whole back with his hands.
It’s the unveiling today. Or re-unveiling? Kurhula created an unorthodox mess here and I just want it over and done with.
‘How are you wanting to have sex when you’re the one who will be slaughtering the goat?’ I ask and he laughs.
‘Why are you speaking like you’re my side chick? You and I are one. We can do whatever without consequences’
He’s right but I still feel like abstinence is necessary in such cases. It’s only for one day, he won’t die.
I don’t know when I fell back into deep sleep but he wakes me up again – having already showered and gotten dressed. He smells godly, as always.
‘Pfuka. I’m off to fetch Larona and my mother’
‘What time is it?’ I ask.
‘It’s half past four’
The ceremony starts at half past five. Well, that’s usually the time we go gather under the large Morula tree where blood and traditional beer will be spilled.
‘Is she done?’ I ask.
‘I hope so. You two have a habit of saying you are whereas you’re still in bras, barefoot, and not yet started with your make-up’
I laugh out loud.
‘Don’t laugh, it’s irritating’
He mustn’t take out his frustrations on me.
‘I’ll be done when you come back, I promise’
He kisses my forehead and leaves the room. I need to sit up and open the windows so I can feel more awake, otherwise I’ll easily go back to sleep. I make sure to be quick, even with my face because my hair also needs some heat treatment. I’m going to tie a silk headwrap on top of the weave so I’m only focusing on the exposed parts of the hair.
Mabontle knocks while I’m still busy with that and I check my phone. It’s time to go. I walk out of the room and she tells me that people are already in the garden. Kurhula sent her to fetch me. He’s probably annoyed as we speak but it is what it is. I thought I still had time. She has Tlhari in her hands and he seems comfortable so I won’t disturb them.
We get to the garden and sit on one of the two unoccupied reed mats. Fikani is the first to get the ritual started – reciting clan names and telling our forefathers that the day has arrived and that they should accept the gifts we come bearing; that they should drink and be satiated. Kurhula is kneeling next to him, firmly holding the goat that’s busy screaming like it knows that it’s on death row. Fikani hands him the calabash and they switch places. I love Mhan’ Singi’s dress. I can’t help but stare. She’s a beautiful woman with a unique sense of style, one that aunty Lydia despises. I feel like she has timeless pieces. Xongi on the other hand has lost a considerable amount of weight, it’s heartbreaking.
Kurhula also starts by greeting and acknowledging the long list of those who have gone before him, until he gets to the one we’re all gathered here for.
‘Edward, Bava…’ he stops and exhales. He drinks and sprays some of the sorghum beer all over the ground. ‘A lot has happened between you, my mother and I’
‘I am not willing to discuss any of that because it’s in the past. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t be gathered here today’
It’s necessary that we clap twice after every sentence, palm against palm – to show that we’re here willingly and are in support of whatever is going on in here, that we were not forced, and that we agree.
‘Take this goat as a token of appreciation. We’ve had our differences but I’m grateful for the opportunities you were always willing to place in my hands. In such, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I wouldn’t be the man I am today, career-wise, if it wasn’t for you. The advocate and businessman that’s kneeling here today, is all because of you. Mbuti leyi also an apology for all the times you’ve felt I was disobedient towards you’
He stands up and receives the knife from Junior. Fikani helps hold the animal as Kurhula puts an end to its life. All this is heart-wrenching because I can sense the pain he’s feeling from here.
‘Are we going to eat or bury that goat?’ AK asks, sitting on Aunty Lydia’s lap. We all laugh because we know that he has officially begun with interrogation. He was observing and scrutinizing every action when he was quiet. Aunty dabs her cheek with a tissue sheet and I can see that she’s crying under those shades.
It’s all done. We disperse and leave the men to slice the meat for cooking. The unveiling is also quick and we drive back to the yard. These shoes are chafing my feet but what’s new with new heels? I quickly go inside the house to change into flats then come back to join the ladies outside. We’re simply sitting on the grass picnic-style and snacking while we wait for the food to get ready. It’s just pure banter all around, just like with the men but I don’t see Kurhula anywhere. I cannot help but worry about him. The last time I saw him was at the cemetery because I came back in another car. I’d say he’s with her but Larona is here chilling with the rest of us. I need to go find my husband.
I get up and go look for him in the house. I find him in the study. Everyone is outside and he’s in here, sitting by himself and drowning his sorrows with cognac. I close the door and go sit on his lap.
‘Hi Mommy’ he greets. His voice is coarse, giving away the fact that he’s been quiet for a long time.
‘Hi daddy’
‘Are they boring you outside?’ he asks, before finishing off his drink.
‘Not really, I was just worried about you’
His smile is weak and it confirms the fact that I had every right to be concerned.
‘Let’s talk about it’ I offer. He pours himself more alcohol.
‘I don’t think there’s anything to talk about, Kuli. This had to be done, for AK and all his other siblings, my children. I had to man up and take all the blame because I have a family I would die for. That’s all I have to say, so there’s really nothing more to talk about’
I don’t like this dolorous energy surrounding him. He’s calm in his speech but I can hear his inner child screaming, now I’m emotional.
‘Don’t cry. It’s over’ he says and softly squeezes the side of my waist.
‘I’m proud of you, hubby. I am proud of the man you’re always taking the conscious decision to become. I’m proud of how you put us first in everything you do, of the provider and the protector that you are. What you did today was not a sign of weakness. In fact, it’s proof that you’re ten times the man that your father could only dream of while he was still alive’
He huffs. ‘Trust me, he had zero aspirations of becoming a better man. But thank you nkata mina. To a man, nothing can match the feeling of your efforts being seen and appreciated by your woman’
‘I see you baby’
His lips curve into a smile. ‘You do?’ he asks, more rhetorically before pulling me close so he can kiss me. His breath reeks of the alcohol he’s busy drinking here. I break the kiss and he drops another one on my chin. Kurhula is a touchy-feeling lover and no one can change this fact about him. I excuse myself so I can go find AK. I find him with the elderly women, having braai meat.
‘Please go call daddy Fikani for me and tell him I’ll be in the lounge’ I ask nicely and he immediately runs off. Fikani is behind the house, having conversations with his uncles and other men. I can’t go there. I check for Mabontle and I find her sleeping on the grass. I laugh because I know it wasn’t intentional. She doses off every chance she gets these days. Now she’s sleeping amidst boisterous laughs and screams.
‘What’s up?’ he finally appears. We take a seat on the couch and I make sure that we’re alone.
‘Do you know that you have a child on the way? And I’m not talking about Mabontle?’
The look on his face certifies him guilty. I want to scold him, I desperately want to but I can’t as he’s still my king at the end of the day. His guides won’t have that.
‘It wasn’t intentional’
‘How far along is she?’
‘Seven months’
My jaw swings to the floor.
‘Seven mo— ! You impregnated them at the same time?!’ I lose my cool, then internally coach myself to calm down. He looks at me the same way I expected him to; like he’s wondering if I’ve forgotten who I’m talking to.
But why am I surprised? Once a woman gets pregnant by you and you sleep with another, chances of her also catching are high because in our culture we say your blood is still hot.
‘Bontle cannot find out about this. At least not now’
This sounds more like a command than a request. He wants me to keep this away from my sister? Then what the hell happens when she finds out that I knew? I am so upset!
‘But you know that she’s going to lose her mind right? Have you forgotten what happened the last time another woman was involved here? You almost died. Now there’s a baby?’
‘I can handle my wife. You don’t need to worry about me’
‘You’re attracted to danger and I feel like it’s going to end very badly for you’
I get up and leave because if I sit here a minute longer, I might catch a fine. I’m also feeling very anxious and I suspect it’s this situation with Fikani and his women. I am very unsettled right now.
…
The day is almost over and most of our family members have left. We moved from the grass and came to sit under the shade of the wall, on camping chairs.
Mixo also stands up and finishes off her cold drink.
‘Aiy, it’s been nice vaskoni but I need to go pack now. Going back to work tomorrow’ she says while stretching and we say our goodbyes. She found a job at Anglo Platinum and I couldn’t be happier. I don’t like centering myself on people’s experiences but it kinda validated me; it validated my gift. It showed me that all I do is never in vain. I don’t think Mhan’ Singi would’ve survived Mixo’s sxicide. It would’ve killed her, I swear.
Anyway, I don’t see myself getting up from here anytime soon. I’m feeling lazy.
‘Where’s Kurhula? I think I also need to leave now’ Larona says and I tell her he’s inside the house.
‘Before you go…’ Bontle says and I see by the look on Larona’s face that there’s still bad blood here. It wasn’t quite obvious earlier because there was a bunch of us making noise and speaking over one another.
‘I don’t want to fight, I actually want to apologize. I shouldn’t have treated you that way. It’s just that… I’m very protective of my sisters and I felt like you’re here to take away Kuli’s happiness. I’m really sorry, Larona. I’d like us to start afresh’
The smile stretches out slowly from Larona and I celebrate as they hug it out. I am happy because whatever was happening between them was silly to me.
‘So, I can sit in the front row on your wedding day?’ Bontle asks and Larona laughs.
‘Of course. You’re family’
My happiness is short-lived when gunshots go off twice, followed by screams. At that moment, with my eyes tightly closed, I see exactly what just happened. Kurhula and Fikani come out of the house running and Fikani almost loses his mind when he sees his mother lying in a pool of blood by the gate along with one security guard. The people who did this were targeting her because if they didn’t, they would’ve aimed at us too. She was on her way out. Her Tupperware fell and broke open. The rice that was in it is scattered on the pavement. I can see the beetroot from here. My heart is pounding at a crazy speed and it finally clicks that this was the cause of my unexplained anxiety the whole day. Fikani is trying to stop the bleeding while Kurhula is on the phone, trying to get medical personnel here. Everyone is in a frenzy and I’ve just been standing here – frozen. My limbs feel like there’s static in them.
Mhan’ Sarah bothers no one marha…
…
[MABONTLE]
I don’t know how to comfort him. The funeral is in two days and he’s been silent ever since that calamitous incident. He gives one-word responses to questions and isolates himself a lot. I have been sleeping on this bed by myself for the past three days while we’re in the same house. Kuli and Larona insisted I keep away from the funeral arrangements because of my “situation”. They’ve been handling everything, hand in hand with my late mother-in-law’s sister. I am sad, man. I am so sad because I was looking forward to a relationship with her. We had plans for when she officially moved back here. Whenever we’d speak on the phone, she’d always complain about how she was tired of township life and couldn’t wait to be back home. She was always complimenting me, telling me how she was always going to show off her beautiful makoti. She was the only person who called me Botle, how I am supposed to be called but Home Affairs effed up my name. Ey, one thing about life? It’s bloody unfair!
But now is not the time to be focusing on how I’m going to mourn her. Fikani is currently imploding and it’s my responsibility to ease the pain, in Mhan Singi’s exact words. He’s currently in a meeting with Uncle Wiseman and Kurhula. I’m in my office trying to finish up an assignment but concentration deserves no applause. I left the door slightly open so I could hear them when they came out.
It happens about thirty minutes later and I wait for them to go their separate ways. They walk their uncle out and come back together. I’m peeping through the door so I can catch him when he’s finally alone. He goes into our bedroom and I immediately follow his steps.
When I walk in, I find him sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. I get him to stand up, then wrap my arms around him. He bends and tightens the hug.
‘I’m really sorry baby’
‘It’s okay’
It’s not. I wish he could just stop trying to be strong and allow himself to be vulnerable in front of me. I won’t judge him, and I don’t expect him to be all virile and keeping it together all the time. He’s human.
‘It’s okay to cry, you know?’
‘I know’ his tone is as hushed as mine. He heaves a sigh.
‘Do you have any leads on who did this?’
He shakes his head. ‘But I am gonna find them though’
I don’t like the darkness that his voice and eyes carry. The hunger for vengeance is not subtle at all.
‘So, no update from the cops?’
‘You have faith in SAPS?’
I wasn’t fighting. There’s something that’s been happening the whole day and I’ve been dying to let him know. It’s happening again now. I turn around, take his hand, and place it on my distended tummy. He feels the kicks and I turn to look at him. There’s the smile I was searching for.
‘Doesn’t this hurt?’ he asks.
‘Not really’
‘I can’t wait to meet this person with violent little legs’ he says and I laugh. He’s all mushy now. I can tell that this baby is going to be loved loudly by its father, and mother of course. I plan to give my child the best of everything and I’m not talking about materials only. I want to be emotionally available because I never had that. I loved my mother but she struggled a lot with mental health, and that took a huge chunk of her happiness away from us. I don’t doubt that she loved me as well; I just know that if I were to choose, I wouldn’t have her as my mom in another life.
‘I have to go meet up with Stone in town’
‘Are you gonna come back tonight?’
He nods, cups my chin, and pecks my lips. He looks me in the eye and says nothing.
‘What?’ I ask.
‘I love you. Do you know that? You know that there’s absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for you, right?’
‘I know baby’
‘Sharp’ he leaves and I get on top of the bed. I reach for my phone and start scrolling on social media before I go back to my books. The algorithm is crazy because ever since I started searching for baby stuff, I see a lot of baby and pregnancy content when I go into the ‘Search’ section of Instagram. I remove Lorraine’s account because I’m done stalking her. There’s nothing to see and she hasn’t posted in a while. There’s nothing that leads to Fikani here, just mainly travel content. I am done trying to play detecti—
Wait a minute…
There’s a new post from yesterday and it’s a pregnancy photo shoot. Why is my heart suddenly going manic?
“Mommy will never leave your side. Welcome home, baby Zoe”, I read the caption.
She’s wearing those see-through robes with her stomach exposed, hers is an almost indigo blue. Her shoot was outdoors in the woods. There’s one photo where she’s chilling in a hammock, looking at her bump with loving eyes. I go straight into the comments.
“Finally! Keeping this secret was not easy at all. Lemfihlo kade ingilumisa ngesisu nkosiyam. Congratulations fraan!’ one lady says. Lorraine replies with laughing emoji’s and a red heart, saying thanks.
Another one says “Welcome to earth to our Tsonga princess, although she has no timing. Congratulations cc”
“She’s an early bird. Thank you big sis. And answer your phone, I’ve been trying to reach you’ Lorraine responds.
Tsonga princess? Am I reading too much into this?
…