Chapter 17
“Call the guards!” Lia shouted to the nurse.
I didn’t get to move after seeing the bloods oozing from his arms down to her hands.
“You! You’re a murderer!” Grandma sobbed.
Shit. Not now please.
“Alessia? Are you okay?” Lia asked with a worried tone.
I paled and held her hand in a tight manner. A tear fell from my eyes as I look at her eyes.
“The. . . blood. It reminded me again.” I whispered, almost out of breath.
“Lia, get her out of here.” It was Grayson.
“Fuck. Nurse! Where’s the nurse and guards here?!” She shouted in frustration.
I wanted to go near him but I can’t. I can’t look at his blood. It reminded me of my past.
I bit my lower lip and did the calm breathing Grayson taught me.
She hugged me.
“Calm down, Alessia. Let’s get out of here.”
I clenched into her coat.
“What about him?”
“He’ll be fine, okay? Let’s head out.”
I nodded and did the calm breathing again. I don’t want to panic especially when he’s in pain. I should get a hold of myself.
We went to outside and my grip tightened after seeing bunch of guards that reminded me of my dad so she covered my eyes with her palms and guided me.
I was sweating bullets and my breathing is furious as if it cannot get enough air with just an inhale.
She stopped walking as well as I did.
“Are you sweating? Do you feel hot?”
I nodded so she unzipped my jacket off and wiped the sweats on my forehead.
“It’s okay, Alessia. Don’t panic. I’m right here.”
I opened my eyes and she was being gentle with me. We were inside one of the rooms and I don’t know where we are but I want to hide. I want to hide to protect myself.
“Help me. . .” I whispered as tears starts to make their way again.
She nodded and smiled at me.
“I’ll help you. I’ll help you heal. Don’t worry.”
I’m so sick of having episode every day and every hour. Little by little I’m draining along with the hopeless thoughts cascading into the pit of being stuck in a lifetime of darkness and past.
When will this end? When will I get over it all?
I’m so sick of battling against the demons in my thoughts.
It was hours. It was hours before I calmed down. It’s just hard without him. I was having a hard time coping with the flashbacks. Calming down then once again, attacking. I’m so sick. I felt hopeless.
“Where’s he?” I asked Lia.
She was beside me the whole time, the whole hour of me calming down.
“Are you now okay?”
I nodded so she nodded too and smiled.
“Let’s go. The nurse told me that he’s currently resting in a hospital room. Don’t worry, he won’t be confined.”
I let out a sigh of relief. She grabbed my hand and pulled me out and I let her.
We were walking. And instead of taking the elevator, we took the stairs.
I wanted to say thank you but feels like, something’s making its way to stop me so in the end, I didn’t get to say thank you.
“Head in. I’ll continue my duty.” She smiled after pointing Grayson’s room.
I nodded so she left, she did not even expect me to say anything.
I sighed.
Thank you, Lia.
I entered Grayson’s room and he was looking at nothingness as if thinking something deep. He has bandage on his right arm, big bandage.
His eyes shifted to me when I closed the door but immediately his eyes shifted back at nothingness and his eyes were finding for someone with his forehead knotted as if he notice something weird.
“Why?” I asked.
He sighed and shook his head then his attention was all on me again.
“I was waiting for you.”
“I have an episode.” I lowly mumbled.
He pulled me to sit beside him so I sat.
“It’s good you’re okay.” He tucked the strands behind my ears.
I gulped and nodded.
“Can you move your hands?”
He chuckled.
“It would be good if you ask me directly if I’m okay.”
“Your grandma. . . Why did she do that?” I changed the topic.
He sighed.
“She has borderline personality disorder and I understand her. At times she can have an explosive anger but most times she’s soft, caring and fragile.” He smiled at nothingness.
“Why is she mad at you?”
“By the way, did you see a boy? He’s in his teenager and he came out from my room.” He tried to change the topic.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” I said, assuring him it's okay.
Unconsciously, I kissed his forehead just like what he always do.
His lips parted out of shock so I bit my lower lip after realizing what I had done.
“I-I. . .” I gulped.
I was about to utter a word when he pulled my arm closer to him and pressed his lips on mine.
My eyes shut for unknown reason with my hands that held his shoulder which made him groan in pain so subconsciously, my hands went on his waist while he, parted my lips and continue what he’s doing.
I didn’t know why I didn’t push him away or did I let him taste my mouth. All I feel was his hot and soft minty breath which soon entered my mouth with his tongue.
My grip on his waist tightened when his head started tilting to discover more inside my mouth while I was parting my lips unconsciously, giving him more access.
He pulled back so in slow manner, I opened my eyes. He was looking at me intently but it went down on my body.
“You’re sweating.” He pulled off my blazer.
I looked down on my body and he was right, I was sweating as if it has its own mind that I cannot control due to my past.
“I-I was nervous.” I admitted.
“Why? Did I remind you of something?”
I gulped and shook my head.
He was looking at my eyes when it shifted down on my shoulder. I looked at where his eyes was looking at and gulped real hard when I saw my spaghetti strap that fell.
“You—”
He kissed me again. And this time, it was deeper as if he was finding more than it.
The next thing that happen was that he was already on top of me while I was lying on the hospital bed.
His lips stayed on my lips as well as his left arm stayed on my waist. His bandaged arm seems fine because he’s making it as a support on top of me.
“Hey—”
I pushed him off me and immediately rose from lying after hearing Lia’s voice.
Lia’s mouth parted and her eyes were shock and confuse as if she cannot believe what she just saw.
“Let me guess. Desensitization?” She asked.
He groaned out of frustration.
“I told you to knock, Lia.”
“Wow. That’s a whole new level of performing a treatment, Mr. Grayson.”
I stood up. My sweats were still present and the ferociousness still didn’t leave my heart.
“Okay, dear. So how was the kiss?” She turned to me.
“Leave her alone, Lia.”
She was looking at me, waiting for my answer so I gulped.
“Lia.” He warned.
“You might end up sleeping with her, Mr. Grayson.”
“I’ll go.” I uttered, feeling uneasy with what I just heard.
I grabbed my blazer, not looking at him and hoofed my way out.
“Look! You made her uncomfortable!” He shout in a frustrating tone.
“What? I’m just saying what’s fact! Do you think nothing will happen if I didn’t enter? You were on top of her!”
“I was just performing desen—”
The bang of the door I made has echoed around the room out of unknown frustration.
Shit that desensitization.
“Your fault!” I heard him shout.
With a hard footsteps, I made my way out of that shit room.
I was in the main hall when I saw a familiar woman.
“Herra. . .” I uttered unconsciously.
She was about to pass by me when she heard me calling her name.
With a forehead knotted, she looked at me.
“Do I know you?”
I didn’t answer her and she observed me as if she had seen me before.
“Oh! Your Grayson’s girlfriend?” She guessed.
“You. . . made it to your dream job.” My words just came out randomly.
But I didn’t.
“Wait. . .” she analyzed my face.
“I’ll go.” I turned my back.
I was only meters away when she shouted.
“Oh my god, yes! Alessia! I remember now! You’re Alessia! No wonder you’re familiar!” She shouted enthusiastically.
I smiled bitterly.
“Yes, I’m Alessia.”
The girl you almost killed.
“So—”
I hoofed my way out, leaving her alone.
“Still the same aloof woman I know!” She sighed loud.
“And you’re the reason why.” I whispered even though I know she cannot hear me.
My step stopped when a person in front me blocked my way.
I looked at Justine using my stoic face.
“Who are you?” I asked in monotone.
He scoffed.
“I saw you panic earlier.”
I clenched my fist.
“So what?” I managed to be composed.
“Well, your sister called me because she needs money. Are you not going to thank me for lending your family a money?”
“It was your choice. I didn’t beg so why would I say thank you?” I asked in sarcastic tone, even though deep inside, I was shock.
His jaw clenched.
“Get back with me.”
“Talk to a fool woman, Mister.”
I was about to pass him when he held my arm to stop me.
“Or you’ll lose your job.”
“Wow! I’m shock! I thought I already did, didn’t I?” It was sarcastic.
“Can’t you see? I can still love you even when you’re crazy sometimes. No one will love a person who’s mentally ill so get back with me.” He said in a serious tons, I almost laugh.
A slight pinch throbbed my heart.
“I’ll never settle for less.” I shook my head.
“Well you’re lesser than me.” He was confident with what he said.
I didn’t respond because of the pain.
“You see, you’re a weird and crazy woman. You should thank your mom that she was able to inherit you your face and body. Put them in good use fo—”
I slapped him. Real hard. Harder than I did with Grayson.
Oh he deserves my slap more than Grayson.
“Wow. My palms are really in good use, aren’t it?” I smiled sarcastically.
“What the fuck?! Can’t you just be thankful that I’m giving you another—”
I slapped him again.
“What the fuck?! Can’t you just be thankful that I’m giving you another slap?!” I mimicked his tone but in a sarcastic way.
I didn’t let him utter any word and with a composed facade, I passed by him.
“Crazy woman! No one will ever love a crazy woman like you! Being mentally ill is really deserving for you! Good for you!” He seems really frustrated even when he laughed as loud as he can.
He thinks being mentally ill is funny because he never did experienced it himself.
It’s so unfair. I’m suffering on the inside but he’s laughing it off as if it’s not a big deal. As if my illness is something to be laughed at, as if it’s that easy to cope with it when in fact, it’s already a matter of life and death battling against your own demons created by your overflowing thoughts.
It’s easy for him to judge me because that’s what his mind wants to believe and his heart that refuses to perceive.
“Oh. You’re right here. I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” It was Grayson’s voice behind me.
I’ve expected that he’ll look for me so I wasn’t shock with his presence.
I remained seated on the stair here in the emergency exit when he sat beside me.
“Grayson. . .” I called.
“Hmm?”
“Do you perhaps had a childhood friend?”
It was a long silence.
“Why?”
“Well I’ve had two before. The one left without a proper goodbye and the one betrayed with a painful lie.”
He didn’t respond.
“I was good. I mean I was a good friend to both of them but they ended up hurting me so ever since then, I have a fear of showing kindness for a reason that they’ll treat me otherwise.” I continued.
“Who was the one who betrayed you with a painful lie?” He asked cautiously.
I smiled at nothingness as I reminiscence my past.
I was just five that time but still, it left a vivid mark on my mind.
“I don’t want to talk about my past. How about we go to the place where sunset is vivid and clear? I know a place.”
I stood up so his forehead knotted.
“Where?”
“Just follow me.”
And I led the way. I told him the location of my childhood town and I was shock that he seems to know where it is located.
“Wow! The sky is in paint!” I unconsciously exclaimed after going down from Grayson’s car.
I was like a kid running towards the pond as I settle myself in front of the oak tree and leaned my back against the tree trunk.
He chuckled.
“Cute.”
I smiled as I observe the misty clouds on the orange pastel painted sky etched with a sun who’s determined to battle against darkness to leave a beautiful mark before giving in for the night to rule over.
The beautiful songs of the bird from above gave in such a relaxing ambiance that calmed down my demons lurking for its right time with an exemplary soul beside me, staring at my face as if I was the sunset.
“The sun always rise but why does it always need to say goodbye?” I asked, still staring at the lovely sky.
“In order for tomorrow to come.” He answered and shifted his attention to the sunset.
“I envy the sunset. Tomorrow will inevitably be good, today will perpetually be dazzling, and yesterday would consistently give delightful nostalgia.” I said dreamingly.
I smiled at sunset and kissed my palms on the air as if I can touch it on the thin air.
“It has always been beautiful unlike mine. I don’t even know if tomorrow will be the same as today or would be as ugly as my yesterday,” I smiled bitterly.
He sighed.
“Today will be your yesterday and tomorrow can be your today but yesterday will neither be your today or tomorrow. So don’t dwell on your yesterday and focus on stepping forward today to move upward for tomorrow.” He said meaningfully.
I bit my lower lip.
“I don’t know what to look up to for tomorrow. I don’t even know what my future holds. You know that kind of feeling?” I asked him.
He didn’t respond.
“Feels like. . . I have no meaning in life.” I said in a matter-of-fact.
It was a long silent.
“Then let me be that person who can give meaning to your life.”
I looked at him who’s now looking at me intently with eyes etched with adoration as he dig deeper on my eyes marked with agonizing desperation.
“How so?” I asked in an inquisitive tone.
“Enter my world and I’ll give you one exact word to describe the meaning on why you deserve to live in my life.”
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