48 hours.
That was how long she had known she was carrying Benny's child. 48 hours that consisted of self-loathing, anger and fear.
Now, under the pale light of the sun, that incredible vortex of emotions had subsided, but the guilt had not.
During that long period of solitude spent brooding, crying and reflecting, she had tried to remember the last night they spent together. And she did. Vividly. Or at least what she thought was the night where the most unthinkable thing in her life had happened... And with the worst timing in the world. It tormented her for hours, poking around the edges of her conscience.
She spent an entire night remembering what the hell had gone wrong between them. But then, after waking up the next morning, she didn't feel proud of those thoughts.
Despite the fact that it was all wrong and scary as hell, she couldn't blame that little life that now had forced itself into their lives. She couldn't blame either of them for making that new chapter in their lives as chaotic and incredible as everything had been in their relationship.
Well, she blamed him a bit more, but that was just for herself.
She couldn't deny that she felt... thrilled by that situation as much as shocked.
Frida folded one leg under the other as she sat on the white couch in her living room, sinking deeper into the duvet she had wrapped herself in since she first stepped out of bed, acting as her armor.
She took a deep breath and looked at the phone on the coffee table. She had been mulling over what she should do now. She had an infinite number of possibilities before her that would all change her life in one way or another.
First thing first, she needed to tell it to Benny.
She groaned softly and abandoned her head against the headboard of the sofa.
Everything had changed between them for months. He had distanced himself, finding solace and happiness in another woman's arms as well as distraction.
She had tried to move on and to leave the walls of her house and open the armored ones of her heart. Bertil, Olaf, Seymour... So many names, so many faces, so many disasters to add to her already complicated life. Nothing had gone too further with them, but again...
Perhaps that was why she had felt no remorse for closing up at home except to go to work.
There still remained the fact that she was now pregnant.
Damn, she was pregnant. It was still a ridiculous and absurd thought to her ears. But Görel was right, she needed to focus. She wasn't alone. So she had to take her life in hands and turn it around in the best way possible. Consequently, she had to talk with the child's father. Or argue with him. Because If she had to rely on what had been their verbal exchanges since the divorce, but even before, she could only expect an aggressive argument that involved no talking at all, just yelling.
At breakfast, she had decided that she intended to tell Benny before the end of the new album's recordings. And that was because after the end of the recording she didn't want to know about promotions, interviews and anything else. After the end of the recordings, she'd have wanted and sought only serenity and distance from the social eye. Frida didn't need more pressure or rumors or slander about herself. She had already heard enough.
It was her fault. It was his fault. She treated him badly. He didn't feel happy. She didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve her.
But the most disturbing thing about it all was that he had another life now. He had another... partner.
Frida snorted and shook her head at herself. She couldn't even address the elephant in the room and she'd have told him that she was going to ruin everything for him again.
Just great.
She had to be honest with herself, she didn't blame her... But goddammit If she didn't want to throttle her now more than before. Now that there was so much more to worry about.
Frida closed her eyes and instinctively placed her hands on her stomach. Her little one was nothing more than the size of a key. The key to all her problems.
She looked down and she felt a wave of protection and defense for it.
Yeah. She needed to clear everything immediately. She couldn't wait. She couldn't and didn't want to hide something so big and important for her. For once after a lot of time, she just wanted to think of herself.
Frida ran her hands through her hair and got up to go take a shower before having to go to the studio. She wouldn't have told him there. No, but the 9 messages flashing unread on her cell phone screen were a clear sign that she couldn't avoid him for long.
***
"You realize how many hoops I had to jump through to get us here, right?" Benny scoffed while he squeezed her hand as she guided him through the corridors of the stadium.
"I know. And I really appreciate it. I'll reward you later" she told him as she continued walking at a fast pace, looking at him with a bewitching smile over one shoulder.
"Yeah. Yeah. You better" he muttered, pulling her hand slightly towards him and making her let out a little cry when he spun her around, almost making her lose her balance. He got her in time and squeezed her to him, kissing her.
Kissing her deeply, as If he hadn't done it just that morning, as If he hadn't done it in the studio before she entered the recording room, as If he hadn't done it a few hours earlier when he told her that no, there wouldn't be the usual big party with friends and family and yes, that was because he had the tickets.
Benny slid a hand into her hair and tilted her head to the side, not leaving even a millimeter of her mouth unexplored.
She moaned in his mouth, her eyes closed and her hands trying to touch everything of him.
When he ended the kiss, he smiled against her lips "Hmm, and you better make it amazing, birthday girl".
Frida giggled, still light-headed, and caressed his bearded cheek "Trust me, love" and she winked at him "But first... I want my concert! Let's go!" and she pulled him along, enjoying his laughter.
He knew for sure that within a few hours he'd be lying on their bed, after worshiping her body again and again. The thing he loved the most at night, in the safety of their home walls. And she'd have murmured her love against his skin, sweet and warm, stroking his hair and beard. The thing she loved the most.
And so he quickened his pace to get straight to the backstage. The sooner they finished there, the sooner they'd return home.
***
Later, very late at night, Frida was in front of the stove with his t-shirt and her pajama pants on, her hair pulled into a messy ponytail as she stirred the pasta in the pot.
"Hmm, what is this smell?".
Frida turned her head behind her and grinned "I'm making some pasta". She heard him walking to her and felt his presence beside her. She looked up and smiled at his disheveled appearance.
He turned to his right and caught her eyes, smiling sleepily.
"Here. Taste this" she held out a wooden spoon with the tomato sauce she had been preparing, her other hand cupping the bottom as she brought it to his lips.
Benny slid a hand down her hips, holding her close as he tasted the sauce, his eyes slipping closed "Hmm... It's delicious" he said, licking his lips.
She smiled satisfied and turned to stir the pasta some more. He stared at her and then couldn't help but kiss her, turning her face with his left hand, caressing her soft cheek. He let her taste the sauce on his lips.
When the kiss lasted longer than she thought, she laughed and abandoned the spoon in the pot. He lowered his left hand to her belly, lifting her shirt to caress her flat stomach while his right hand moved up her back under the shirt, her skin warm.
"I love you, beautiful" he murmured, kissing her cheek, her ear, her neck, lavishing it with his tongue.
She hummed in ecstasy, kissing him wherever she could, caressing his face and his arm with her hands "I love you too, sweety" she said softly.
Benny sighed deeply and lifted his face from the little piece of heaven that was her neck, looking into her green eyes. He missed that, he missed her. Those days had been full of tension and work and the time for them had become increasingly less. He tightened his hold on her.
They were in trouble waters, they knew it, but those moments gave them hope.
"Are you hungry?" she asked, smiling.
"When I'm not?" he asked, making her laugh.
"Right" Frida bit his chin playfully "Wanna... give me a hand here?" she asked almost hesitantly. The last time she had asked him to help her in the kitchen, they fought like hell. For a stupid thing, now that she thought about it, some time later, but it had still left new scars in their armors.
"Sure" he replied with a little smile, playfully and lightly tugging on her ponytail.
"You just have to set up the table and choose what to drink" she said, pecking his lips one last time before returning her attention on the stove.
He poured some red wine in two glasses, one of the finest they had because he felt inspired that night, and then stopped when he took the tablecloth for the table "Do you want to eat in the living room? Shall we watch a movie?".
Frida turned to him and frowned a little, it was almost 3 in the morning and he wanted to watch a movie. But after all, she was cooking like If it was midday... "Yeah. Go pick something" she told him, taking his offered glass and taking a sip of wine.
Benny settled on the couch, retrieving the warm duvet from the closet and choosing an old black and white movie from their endless collection. He went back to the kitchen, helping her with the plates, and they got comfy on the couch, dimming the lights and raising the temperature of the room.
They finished their quick but tasty late dinner while their gazes were already focused on the screen, laughing at their invectives about the plot and the characters. Frida put the plates aside, for once ignoring the impulse to go and wash everything, and settled her head on his chest without hesitation. Benny adjusted the duvet over them and caressed her back in a soothing and constant motion.
When the movie ended, Benny's cheek was abandoned on her head while she was curled on him into a fetal position. He was sure she was sleeping, but then he felt her sighing and soon after she turned her head up to him.
"Hey, I thought I lost you to the dreamland after 10 minutes in the movie" he joked softly, sweeping some hair away from her eyes.
"No. I'm good" she shrugged "I liked tonight".
"I liked tonight too" he admitted "I liked this last part in particular, you know? Dinner was great and unexpected... And the movie was... relaxing" he said softly "You had a great idea".
"Nothing special" she shrugged again.
"Still" he smiled "It was nice... Just you and me". A day not fighting, just existing together was something so hard for them to find recently and he wanted to bask in that peace.
Frida smiled "You're right" and she found one of his hands under the duvet, intertwining his fingers with hers, stroking his knuckles with her thumb. She kissed his chest again and again and then settle their hands over his strong heart.
"Wanna use the Jacuzzi with me?" he said suddenly, making her chuckle.
"Hmm, sounds amazing... But I'm very sleepy now" she sighed.
"Okay, don't worry" he kissed her forehead "Let's go to bed then".
"Wait..." she stopped him, draping a leg over his "Stay here with me for a little while" she said softly.
"Okay" he murmured, letting their breaths mingle.
"I missed you" she confessed "I missed this".
"I missed you too" he tightened his hold on her and closed his eyes, feeling his heart contract.
***
Benny looked up from the keys and buttons of the console in front of him, completely in another world for who knows how many minutes, coming back down to earth, feeling agitated after those moments relived in his head so out of nowhere.
He passed a hand over his tired eyes, it was still morning and he felt the weight of the sleepless nights he had spent in those days on his shoulders.
His gaze again fixed on an indefinite point in front of him. He felt so irritated and disturbed by what had happened to Frida and with Frida in the past few days. Her discomfort, her silence... He had respected her wish to stay away from her only because Görel had told him that she had spoken to her and had visited her and he shouldn't worry.
But it was impossible.
He was worried. He wanted to be worried about her, even If she, with her stubborness and hard head, fought him tooth and nail.
She was right. But he was right too.
They weren't together anymore. Okay, fine, he knew it... Goddammit If he knew it... But that didn't mean he didn't care about her.
He knew that If the roles were reversed, she'd do the exact same thing to him.
He felt so... confused... And agonizingly certain that there was something that didn't seem right or in its place with them...
Her silences, her vitriolic words, her distance... He knew that everything was born from what he had done, but he was trying... He was trying to... Fuck, he didn't know what he was trying to do, just that his instincts were leading and he was following blindly.
He took a deep breath and took his phone out from his jeans pocket when he felt it vibrating, his eyes widening after days of complete silence:
| I'll be there soon |.
TBC...