MY NOTE;)
18/12/23
Now it's 12:42 AM and I'm up!I was supposed to post this yesterday but i had a problem.And now it's almost here meaning it won't be for my eyes alone anymore.A bittersweet feeling this is.This time it would be a double update but from next week the routine would go by every Saturday,so gear up your expectations and let's hope for the best!
Anyways let's start our journey TOOKIES🦋
**********
"I didn't mean for this to happen"
"After all that,how could you give this excuse?"the pain in my chest wouldn't go away no matter what.it was suffocating me.
"I'm sorry"he hung his head low,totally unlike his 'too proud for my own good' self.and when he does this,meaning that he really didn't want any of what had happen to come this far.and i chuckled.tears streaking down my face.and far did we come,crossing all boundaries.this is just too much.
"I will hate you for the rest of my miserable fucking life,Asshole"i hit his chest with all my might one last time.
"That is for giving me hope and grabbing it all back when I desperately need it"he looked me in the eye while saying this,the clouds vanishing by the passing time.
"I hope you forgive me Eile"
I woke up startled ,my sweat soaked tee shirt clinging to my body.i gulped down the water from my water bottle thats been rolling on bed with me.there is no explanation for how delusional my mind is becoming.
Angrily stomping to my window i threw open the blinds.i closed my eyes ,letting the evening light soak my skin.i can hear the birds and even the mild flow of the nearby creek.i didn't mean to fall asleep amidst my bing watching but i did.
It happens most of the time.
I've been having dreams.can't say nightmares but constant dreams that feel like shadows in the darkest corner of my mind waiting to swallow my sanity whole.
i don't know what those are if they keep consuming my mind day and night.a faceless character but different situations and it scares me sometimes ,is this even normal?
not gonna lie but there's this one person,he calls me by a nickname Eile or something ,which i can never seem to remember when I wake up.he doesn't have a face in my reality,its too personal to admit that i feel like i know him.dare say that I've always did,but once i wake up i feel foolish for even thinking that.like i do now.
Who the fuck is Eile anyway?cause i know that it's not me.
There is something weird about me.I've been feeling this void since i fell from my scooter two months back.doctor said that sometimes a concussion can cause symptoms like that.
dad doesn't have a clue too.he took me to a cleansing ritual that didn't do shit when i once talked to him about that.he assumed i had some bad nightmares.
can't blame him.i only gave him vague explanations anyway.
what can i tell?that a guy keeps coming into my head at night,he kisses me,fucks me,calls me Eile and drives me insane?
I didn't bother talking about that to anyone after that.I didn't even tell Liz about this.only my diary.only that dear book that i took off the shelf when all this started bears my innermost thoughts that are too dangerous to wander around in this world.hence,I stopped writing on that and stuffed that thing into the darkest place in my wardrobe.
They'll think I'm insane if i tell them just how worse it is.and I'm scared of asylums,so ima keep it low.
I feel the evening tiredness creeping in me,making me want to stretch and take a bath.dad's at the store and I'm completely alone now so before my mind can wander i run around the house and switch on all the lights.turning the volume up in my Bluetooth mirror,i sing and shower.i try my best not to imagine a face for that person in my dreams and go on with my work,so far its an success.
I don't have a mother.she died when i was little.so my dad is my whole world.
I wipe the foggy mirror and stare at my reflection.I can't see clearly without my specs,yet i admire my blurry form with so much flaws, tracing the chain i hung over my neck down my chest to the ring that hung in between.
My eyes flutter and i grip that big loop tightly.
**********
"Kay come down,the dinner is ready!"dad yelled from downstairs.
I groaned closing my iPad.that was an interesting scene.
"Coming pops"i give heads up before i run down the stairs and hug him.i needed that after how negative my mind seems after i woke up.he holds me protectively,concern lacing his his aging face.
There's no place in this whole world that is more warm and welcoming than my fathers embrace.he is everything to me.and since childhood I've known that if something happens to my dad I'm leaving too.he doesn't like it when i say that though.he'll be like'death is just a part of life.I've lived princess,I'm almost there.but you have a long way to go'
But what the fuck.i don't want to go there if you're not going there with me pops.
"Are you okay princess?"
"I am"i smile despite the void that consumes me again triggered by my father's concern.
"You've got a mail there"he kisses the crown of my head.
"Something important?"
"See it for yourself"when i hear the airyness in his voice I'm put at ease.I grab the envelope off the table ,opening it at once.there's another envelope inside and when i take it out my breath stalls seeing the symbol.with shaky fingers i gently open it ,taking out my Leighton's acceptance letter.
"Pops"i cover my mouth ,looking at my dad,disbelief lacing my words.
"I'm not surprised.you worked really hard princess"i did.i busted my ass off at the end of the year so i could study in Du Port Leighton's with Liz.my best fucking friend.in person ,she knows and understand's me the best.and since she had enough merits to graduate early ,she did.unlike me she is gifted in the art of will power and consistency to make her parents proud.she's the most intelligent person i know and maybe even Leighton's saw that.she got accepted even before our finals started.
And that's crazy.
Two months.I've been at home, simply reading books after books, bing watching or hanging out with Liz and it's a bittersweet feeling.leaving to Du Port but leaving dad.
"You deserve the world, child"
"I love you pops"i hugged my dad again, hearing the calm rhythm of his heart beat.
"This old man will always love you ,my little girl"i could hear the emotions in his voice as he caressed my hair as he said "Julia must feel so proud watching you from heaven"
I nodded against my dad's warm embrace.it's not the first time dad has said that.even if i bake a in edible cupcake dad would say my mom must be proud from heaven.
I eat spaghetti, hearing my dad advise me on everything that i already know would happen in College if i don't be careful but lethargic.and yet i keep nodding to everything that he says, occasionally putting in an 'okay pops' if necessary.like any other father out there, he's paranoid about his daughter leaving home to an new place.but dad seemed overly paranoid if that makes sense.i could hear real fear in his voice as he gave me a few instances where i could
**********
I call Liz telling her the news and her squeal rings in my head ten minutes after i cut the call.that night i close my eyes with a smile on my face.this is a new start and i can't be more excited.
Normally I would've thought about what clothes or shoes i must buy for collage until I can't sleep anymore but i don't fight off sleep when it starts consuming me.it almost scares me how much i want to not fight it off.
I feel my smile appear again when I'm awake enough to acknowledge that I'm sleeping.
But no more as I'm teleported to a place that my mind so easily conjures up.and he's there.like a sweet poison that's too tempting, calling to be consumed.smiling at me, holding my stare in an beautiful cabin like place while the sun's warmth seeps into his skin, he looks regal.it's all too familiar.that hair, that smile.its like I've known him my entire life.
"I shouldn't have brought you here"
"Why?"i wonder out.
"I can't have you.when you leave, this place won't be the same for me anymore and it's very special"that hurt.more than it should've,as I would've expected nothing less than is brashness.
"Then you shouldn't have"i get up to walk away, when he pulls me back by my waist.
"I've already fucked you here so what's the point.just stay Eile"
"Then shut up for once and let me have some peace.i came cause i like this place too ,not for you jack ass"
"Hear that for yourself babe.do you sound convincing, at least to yourself?"
"I do,i really didn't come here for you"i shrug with a chuckle."i just hurt your ego with the truth small boy"
"I'll show how small i am, say that again"the threat in his tone,caused the shiver that ran down my spine.
"You are small"my grin slowly faltered as his big ass fingers snaked around my throat making my eyes go wide.there goes the protocol.
"I dare you to choke me"
I love how the small lift in the corner of his mouth lights up my whole body.my eyes are focused on the way his whole concentration is on my neck,as his grip gradually tightens.
"I'm afraid I'll break that scrawny little thing Eile"
I rolled my eyes.
"Keep petting it then"
"I'd love that"his fingers loosened but the tips tickling the back of my neck as he grinned looking into my eyes,leaning down to kiss me.