I swear that every word you sing, you wrote them for me
Like it was a private show, I know you never saw me
When the lights come on and I'm on my own
Will you be there to sing it again?
Could I be the one you talk about in all your stories
Can I be him?
---CAN I BE HIM, Song by James Arthur
SAND
Singing on stage, I couldn't help the extra angst in my voice as I watched Ray laughing with the tall guy he dedicated the song to. They've been drinking and talking animatedly like they hadn't seen each other for a while. As our set was about to end, a shorter guy with glasses came and was excitedly jumping as he went straight to hug Ray who was laughing as he returned the gesture. The short guy was talking animatedly as he held Ray's face as if he hadn't seen him for a long time. The tall guy gestured for Ray to sit beside him as the shorter guy sat on Ray's previous place and he held his shoulders as he talked with the shorter guy who was still smiling brightly.
Just as our last song was ending I saw Ray stand up and excused himself and he walked out of the bar as his companion continued to talk and laugh. Badly needing my nicotine because I've been feeling antsy looking at Ray and his companions, I walked out of the bar getting the cigarette I had placed in my leather jacket before we started.
I was surprised to find Ray in the dark corner, almost hidden by the shadows that I almost yelped in surprise. A glowing amber on his lips and he wasn't looking at me but in the dark space of the alley.
He almost jumped in surprise when I asked if he had a lighter and sighed as he handed me a silver zippo without saying anything. I noticed the word Aye is etched on the lighter as I lit my cigarette. Is this some kind of expression?
"Thanks," I said as I handed it back to him, but he only shrugged and put it back in his jeans. The silence is now bordering on awkwardness, so I attempted to make small talk.
"Are those your friends?" I asked, referring to the guys he left inside.
Nodding he said a curt yes.
"You seem pretty close, have you known each other for long?" I tried again.
"Since high school," was all he said.
Getting frustrated I can't help but ask, "Ray, did I do something to offend you?"
Snapping his head towards me in surprise, he looked confused and almost uncomfortable. "No," he bluntly denies.
"Then why are you so cold to me? I'm just trying to be friendly. We're coworkers after all," I pointed out.
"I'm not, I just... Sand I don't hate you, okay? You just remind me of someone I'd rather not remember so I'm sorry if I came across as rude. I just don't think you and I should be too close. I'm sorry," Ray answers honestly.
Finally getting somewhat of an explanation, I moved closer to him and he automatically backed out by instinct and hit his back against the brick wall of the bar.
"What are you doing?" Ray exclaims, voice rising in surprise.
Looking him in the eyes, our faces a mere inches apart; taking advantage of my height as I towered over him, "what? do I look like an ex lover who jilted you?"
My own heartbeat accelerated with the proximity and my pupil dilated with arousal as I felt Ray's warm body heat, his unique scent wafted to my nostrils along his natural body scent from his sweat as nervousness gripped him and his skin was soft where my other hand came in contact with his arm. I think my plan is backfiring on me. Willing myself to focus on Ray, I caught the fleeting widening of his eyes in the accuracy of my statement and then it was gone. What I said was close to the truth. Apparently, I looked like an ex lover who broke his heart.
Suddenly pushing me away with both his arms, indignant but his cheeks are rosy pink. He can't fake his reaction towards me no matter how cold he's trying to pretend.
"What are you doing Sand!?" Ray muttered indignantly.
"Figuring you out, Balladeer," I whispered in his ear. Finally moving back, not wanting to test Ray further.
Throwing the cigarette butt in the bin, I looked back at him. He was still staring at me with that blush, looking hot and bothered. It makes me want to walk back and taste him but I didn't.
"Ray, I'm not your ex boyfriend, I don't appreciate being disliked for someone else's fuck up. You better learn to separate us and you better do it fast," and I left him still frozen on the spot as I made my way back into the bar to help Plug, as I promised; since Russ still hadn't shown up and no applicant was in sight.
It might have been 10 minutes already before Ray made his way back inside. He sat beside the tall guy who affectionately asked if everything was alright. He nods and joins the conversation, pointedly ignoring and avoiding looking at me at the bar. Ray doesn't hate me, in fact he could feel the same sizzling chemistry I feel but he is pretending not to because of someone else. This tall man is not the threat then.
As the crowd winded down, I left Plug to take care of the few customers left and went out to smoke before going home. Halfway through my stick I saw Ray and his friends go out. The shorter man bid them goodbye and hugged Ray and the tall man. Ray was ushered into a black BMW and buckled on the passenger seat as he laughingly pushed his friend off exclaiming he wasn't that drunk. My eyes stayed with them until the tall man drove the car out of the parking lot.
RAY
One of the bad habits I acquired from my stay in Boston is smoking. The freezing cold of the winter is just too much sometimes that at least a cigarette helps a little. Before I knew it, I had been addicted. Knowing full well this is not good for singers, but the cold won this argument with no contest. Now the need for nicotine is constant and I finally excused myself as Wat and Namo continued to chat.
Not wanting my old friends to see, since I had never smoked when we were younger, I slipped into the darker side of the alley. Blowing smoke into the darkness as my thoughts wander to the handsome rockstar who was still on the stage when I went outside.
Anticipating a major problem if I can't curb this surprising interest I have for the singer. I stared unseeing at the clouds, the smoke was forming in the dark as I began thinking just what it could be that draws me to him. Surely it's not just the uncanny physical similarity to Akk. The almost visible electric current that flows in my veins in his presence is entirely different from the warm feeling I felt for Akk.
Undeniably handsome, but what attracted me to Akk was that lost expression on his face, like his circumstances are beyond his control. It reminded me of my deceased uncle who took his life due to depression. Wanting to save the lost boy came first and falling in love with him came slowly as we got closer. But with Sand... it was instant, like a super fast electric current, I was almost cackling with energy the instant I saw him walk in and sit down in the bar.
Startled by the familiar voice asking if I had a light, my eyes betrayed my surprise but I remained quiet as I handed him my lighter.
It was a gift from my good friend Stan, the second year I was in Boston. Stan is a half Chinese - half Thai guy who also studies in Berklee. We met by chance but we soon discovered how we lived so close together at the same complex and we were both aspiring singers. Instantly bonding in a foreign land, we became close fast. Although Stan is straight, pretty much like Wat, he is very open minded and never cared about my sexual orientation. He gave me the lighter on my birthday as he teasingly said that each year I use it, it is a couple of years less I get to celebrate birthdays. His humor had always been dark and morbid but my name on the lighter was a reminder that despite this, Stan is a very thoughtful guy.
Drawing back from my thoughts of Stan who I should call soon, Sand had asked about Wat and Namo. Still not wanting to let my guard down in Sand's presence I answered him as curtly as possible.
"Ray, did I do something to offend you?" Sand had suddenly asked, sounding exasperated at my short answers.
Snapping my head towards him, feeling confused why he still wanted to have a conversation despite my obvious lack of responses and almost uncomfortable because he had asked a question I wasn't sure I could answer properly.
"No," I denied curtly.
"Then why are you so cold to me? I'm just trying to be friendly. We're coworkers after all," he pointed out seriously.
"I'm not, I just... Sand I don't hate you, okay? You just remind me of someone I'd rather not remember so I'm sorry if I came across as rude. I just don't think you and I should be too close. I'm sorry," I told him directly, hoping that what I said will finally deter him from pursuing this matter.
Instead, he moved closer to me and I automatically moved back only to find myself against the wall.
"What are you doing?" I exclaimed in fright.
Looking me in the eyes, our faces mere inches apart, his head tilted down since he towered over me, "what, do I look like an ex lover who jilted you?"
It was too late to stop the instant reaction to his accurate statement but I tried to shut down the expression fast.
My breath hitched as Sand's body almost touched mine and I can feel the heat he radiates and the familiar buzzing of my blood rushing with excitement, that manly scent he uses invades my senses and the perpetual smell of cigarette that has attached to him like second nature. His handsome face looked at me, trying to discern what I was thinking and then his arm had touched my skin and I felt it burn with the need for more.
Pulling myself together with difficulty, I finally pushed him away with both my arms, afraid I don't have enough strength with just one, my face is burning. I'm sure if there was enough light I'd look like a tomato. I've never been the submissive type, in fact I could safely say I was the one chasing Akk around but Sand is a different breed. His aggression probably surpasses my own and he knows when to make his moves with precision that is very unnerving.
"What are you doing Sand!?" I managed to mutter, sounding breathless.
"Figuring you out Balladeer," he whispered in my ear and I swear the tingling sensation of that warm breath and husky voice immediately traveled from my ear down to my toes making it curl.
Looking at him dumbfounded as he finally walks away, but he stops at the corner before he left, saying: "Ray, I'm not your ex boyfriend, I don't appreciate being disliked for someone else's fuck up. You better learn to separate us and you better do it fast."
I forgot to breathe for a while after he left and I tried to gulp as much oxygen and tried to calm myself. Sand is affecting me to my core and I hate it. It's scary and familiar.
It's been five years since Akk's words stabbed me and left me bleeding almost to death when he said that he wasn't really gay and that he got into a relationship with me because I chased him endlessly. I was sure I ruined his life with my feelings and I started questioning my own sexuality and self worth. Years in therapy had finally pulled me back enough to realize that being gay is just my nature but not enough to make me less afraid of being in another relationship. With my shattered self esteem and broken heart, I was a different man than the Ayan I was in high school. I lived the last five years content with having one night stands every now and then. Staying away from anything that involves feelings and dating.
Sand is definitely one I should stay away from, but it seems he keeps chasing me and rattling me to my being. What should I do now?