Is man cursed to have to repeat the same things over and over again without the opportunity to learn anything new? How else can we describe the ignorance with which we go through the world? Is it destiny, fate or merely laziness, with which he evades new things as if he were superior to everything? But where does the truth begin and where does the lie end? Perhaps, in the end, there is a lie in every truth and a truth to be discovered in every lie. As in every fairy tale, every fable and every legend. Perhaps man is a bard who tells of all this in the hope that it will spread.
November 19, 2149
When Clarke awoke the next morning, Lexa was already dressed and standing in front of her chair, holding out a mug of warm tea. Embarrassed, the blonde ran her fingers through her hair and took a sip. "Forgive me for falling asleep instead of watching over you."
"Yesterday was a long day and I never expected you to stay awake. You need your sleep too." The brunette looked at her tenderly. She never thought she would ever feel so protected, so sheltered, despite her role. "But why are you up already instead of lying in bed?" The blonde's voice still sounded a little heavy with sleep, but full of concern.
"Clarke," Lexa spoke softly, almost like a prayer, as if she were paying homage to a goddess. "You've considered so many things, but I would never go long without Gustus, and if I did, it would only be within the city gates of Polis. I can no longer stay away from my duties." Nevertheless, the blonde now stood in front of her and placed her hand on Lexa's forehead. The brunette gently cupped it in her own hands. "I'm feeling much better, I promise. You don't have to worry."
The blonde took another sip and then looked at the steaming liquid. "How can the tea be hot? I heated the last one yesterday."
The commander rubbed the back of his neck, almost embarrassed. "I went into the kitchen this morning while you were still asleep and made you some. After yesterday and the long night, I thought you could do with some refreshment." They both realized that this was not part of their usual duties, but a loving gesture to show the blonde how much Lexa appreciated their presence.
They were still holding hands, both of them well aware of their closeness, Clarke in particular feeling it more intensely than she should. Nevertheless, she enjoyed it for a moment before letting go of the brunette. "Thank you for your efforts." She paused only briefly to give the brunette a grateful smile, which was returned. She glanced at the uniform her counterpart was wearing and hoped she was wrong. "You're leaving?"
Heda nodded. "I'm going to visit the Delfikru for a few days, there have been disputes between them and the Boudalankru over an outstanding peace treaty that requires my presence to settle." As distantly as possible, the brunette tried to relay what she had learned from Titus this morning. She knew what Clarke would think about it and what consequences might await her.
"But... You're not fully recovered yet and isn't there a risk of infection? " Lexa saw the concern in her blue eyes, even more so when she realized what the commander had just said. "And you would have to cross Azgeda territory, wouldn't you?" The cold had already taken on dangerous proportions for them, but it was mild compared to the cold in the mountains.
"It's the quickest way, yes, and the sooner this problem is solved, the sooner I can turn my attention to other urgent matters." And return to you. But Lexa didn't say it. Just as she never did.
"Then let me come with you, I'm certainly not a burden, I could take care of the horses and the provisions." And about you, but Clarke also remained silent.
"Clarke, you're here to keep you safe, not to put you in any more danger." The blonde wanted to protest, but she understood the concerns, even if she would have liked to refute them. "I have instructed Titus to take care of you during my extended absence and have asked your guard Ryder to notify Nyko if there is any change in your health or anything with Titus. I'm asking you to take care of yourself, because I don't want anything to happen to you." The commander didn't like having to leave her alone for so long, but she had no choice. And so she allowed herself to make a familiar gesture and gently stroked a stray strand of hair behind Clarke's ear. Lost in thought, she left her hand where it was. "I wish we could go back to that time when you didn't know who I was, when we could just be ourselves. Just Clarke and Lexa."
"We can't change who we are, no matter how much we might wish we could." It was more of a sigh than clear words, but it didn't lose any of its meaning. Whereupon the brunette laughed mirthlessly for a moment before replying. "Somehow that sounds familiar."
Again, Clarke didn't say what she was thinking, as if she were still a prisoner with a chain around her heart that she wasn't yet able to break. "I... Please be careful and let Nyko examine you again before you leave." Blue joined green almost pleadingly. "I beg you." The brunette nodded hesitantly for a moment before disappearing with one last glance at Clarke.
Lexa followed her request and made her way to the infirmary, where the healer was already waiting for her and greeted her with a bow. The corners of her mouth twisted into an implied smile, which became a genuine one once they were inside. "How did you know I was coming?"
"They said you were already leaving again today, and I know Clarke enough to know that she would insist you come back to see me first." The lines around his kind eyes deepened.
"How did you know I would honor her request?" He gave her a definite look, which made her feel embarrassed, and if not for her years of training to hide her emotions, her cheeks would have turned pink. "I take it she's not too thrilled about you leaving already?"
The brunette nodded. "She wanted to accompany me, but I refused. If Nia is looking for her, the last place she should be is the Azgeda region." This time it was Nyko's turn to nod, as if he knew more than he was willing to admit. "Polis is the safest place for her. It's where Ryder can watch over them, just like Titus and I..." She faltered. How could she admit that she couldn't concentrate on her actual task because she was so worried about Clarke? That she couldn't separate her head from her heart? To openly admit that she was as weak as her mentor kept accusing her of being?
The healer turned his back to her, bracing his weight against the table with his hands for a few seconds before he began to mix some herbs and make a salve. "Whether you accept the truth or not, it remains the same."
"How can I accept it as truth if I don't even know it yet? Or at least not in its entirety?" Despair and the desire for certainty spread through Lexa. She wanted more and yet this more seemed to contain a secret that Clarke was not yet ready to reveal. Would she ever be? Would she ever be able to trust her enough to do so?
"We both know that deep down you have known her for a long time. You're just afraid of discovery. Everything unknown triggers fear until we can assess the risks." Perplexed, Lexa hurriedly ran her fingers through her hair. Nyko was one of the few who would ever see such an emotion and he was well aware of it, so he tried to soften the blow. "Can I tell you a story?" She nodded and sat down cross-legged on the floor, only a few moments later he followed her. "There are various stories about the origin of man. I'll tell you my favorite one now."
Nyko spread out her arms and instantly the sounds around her seemed to fall silent. "In the beginning of all time, there was only the sky and the earth. The day and the night, the sun and the moon, and sand, as many stars as there are in the firmament. The tides created life, which was nevertheless filled with loneliness. The sun longed for darkness and the moon longed to see everything in its most beautiful splendor. To experience colors, shadows, the warmth itself. Until that day when the moon covered the sun for the first time. Those few moments were enough to change everything." Sighing softly, he smiled. "It was a love full of longing and devotion, waiting to come closer again and blossom anew. It was a constant longing. Heaven and earth observed the two celestial bodies and when they met on the horizon, they decided that love was too precious to be experienced only once every few years. For they saw that since then the sun's rays shone stronger, the flowers grew more steadily and there were more colors than they had thought possible. The moon created the seasons, spring with all its vitality and splendor, summer with its warmth, autumn with its mild temperatures and many shades of orange, and winter, which provided relaxation in nature. Through their love, the two of them grew beyond themselves and so heaven and earth wanted to carry this feeling out into the world. They took two stars from the sky and buried them in the ground. These two stars became two beautiful young women with kindness in their hearts and undying love for each other. Their love eventually formed man, created the animals and the cycle of life." He interrupted his story, looked at Lexa and wrinkles formed around his eyes. "It is said that these children of heaven and earth are born again and again, and whenever they meet again, their love will bring forth an age of peace and hope."
"I know this story, but doesn't it go further than that?" It had been a long time since she had found it in an old, tattered book and had read it with growing curiosity. At some point it had faded into the background, like everything else that had nothing to do with her duties as commander.
The healer nodded with a sad certainty, as if he had witnessed the fate of lovers many times before. "Indeed it does, only unfortunately it didn't end as beautifully as it should have." His curious listener looked at him intently, even though she already knew the fate of the two lovers. "Light is accompanied by shadow, love by hate, joy by envy. Everything consists of a contradiction. One cannot live without the other and as much as many were happy about the happiness of our two heroines, there were enough who envied them for it. They wanted the same power, wanted others to suffer as much as they did, because they didn't want to understand that they themselves were to blame for their misery. And so, alongside our pioneers, we also needed an opponent who believed that power comes from fear. Because a fearful world was easier to control and so he devised a plan to separate the lovers. He sent out his most beautiful, clever and cunning women to drive a wedge between them, but they only had eyes for each other. Neither of them betrayed their love or allowed themselves to be deceived, no jealousy blinded them. When nothing else helped, he got himself a gun and fired. The bullet hit its target directly in the heart and she bled to death in the arms of her loved one." He shook his head sadly. "It is said that her adversary tries to separate the two again in each new life and the more often he succeeds, the more suspicious and heavier the souls of the two lovers become until they eventually disappear completely and with them, true love."
Lexa felt like a little girl who had been cheated out of her happy ending. "Do you think it's true?" She didn't know if she wanted to hope, because this fate was a cruel one. What if these lovers existed and yet never found each other? Whether it was bad luck or destiny that befell them, in the end all that remained was a loneliness that consumed everything, and that only for a spark of hope that lay in the far distance.
"Isn't there a grain of truth in every tradition? Or why do some souls recognize each other? Where else does a familiarity come from that we can't explain? And by that I don't just mean in love, but also in friendships. Sometimes even with people we can't stand from the start."
"Why would anyone be against love and for hate?" That was something she couldn't understand and no one had been able to teach her.
"Selfishness is a double-edged sword. Sometimes you have to be selfish in order to protect yourself and not fail because of the burdens of others. If this selfishness is omnipresent, it takes on an unhealthy dimension that leads to envy and ultimately to hatred, which eats away at you until there is nothing left but this feeling. We cannot force anyone to understand, because not everyone wants to understand. Some need this state in order to convince themselves that it is the only truth. Perhaps also to justify their own behavior. We only have one way to respond to hate, and that is through kindness in our actions. Hate will always lead to hate and not to peace." Sighing sadly, he shook his head. "Too many still don't understand that we learn something new through every encounter. About ourselves, about others and that we grow as a result. We are the sum of all the parts, all the people we meet along the way. Sometimes it is a lesson and sometimes a gift. In both cases, it is a precious commodity that should not be wasted."
"I would love to have you on my advisory staff," was her only rejoinder to his answer. Nyko's kindness would be a valuable asset that would help them all realize things that were missing from their view. Like the missing piece of a puzzle.
"I'm honored, but my role as healer fills me up. I don't have time for such an important post, but I'm here whenever you need me." She nodded sympathetically. She could well understand his motives and yet she was disappointed, for she believed that a staff of advisors was only as good as its diversity, which should be broader.
"You already have an important task that I don't want to keep you from." She gave him another smile, which he returned. "But I do ask that you call me Lexa, at least in the private chambers."
The lines around Nyko's eyes deepened and an even wider smile appeared on his face. "I'm grateful for this encounter," was all he said and Lexa didn't ask. They had both developed an unmistakable feeling for each other that told them when it was better to leave what they had said in the room without asking questions. So she left it at one: "So am I, Nyko."
***
Winter was here and the cold had come upon them like a punch, holding them in its iron grip. Despite extra furs and a thick coat, Lexa froze. The wind whipped her face mercilessly as she rode, and ice crystals formed under her nose and clung to her eyebrows. She rode with 15 warriors, right next to her, her bodyguard Gustus. "Heda, we must rest soon, we are approaching the border of the Azgeda territory. We're still in allied territory, but that will change soon and we can't risk an attack in the night."
The commander raised a fist and immediately all the riders stopped. "There is a village nearby. We can find shelter and food there. We'll ride on at dawn. Take good care of yourselves and your horses, tomorrow will be a strenuous day. The Azgeda area is large and dangerous. Mountain lions will be the least of our problems and our next stop is a long way off."
And while Lexa rode ahead and her warriors followed her, there was a knock on Clarke's door.
"Come in," she called and the tall, bald man entered. "Good evening, Clarke. I apologize for being late, urgent business required my presence. I'd like to officially introduce myself, I'm Titus and Heda has asked me to look after you while she's away." Inwardly, he was annoyed at having been assigned as a nanny. He had far more important tasks than this, but he didn't want to upset his commander either. "I'm usually busy during the day, but I can be at your service in the late evening hours if you need me. Otherwise, you should know your way around well enough by now to look after yourself. Do you know where the kitchen and the laundry room for your clothes are?" Clarke nodded. "Good, if you need anything underground, you can ask the valets or the rest of the staff. They will be more than happy to help you." He looked at her and seemed to be waiting for some form of acknowledgement, which he eventually received. "Thank you for coming and for your help."
"It was my heda's instruction and therefore my duty." Clarke watched him closely, saw the disgust on his face and in his eyes and drew the only possible conclusion. "You don't like me much, do you?"
Titus folded his arms behind his back and straightened further before returning her gaze sternly. She knew that whatever he was about to tell her was in line with his view of the truth and his convictions. "I'm afraid of the consequences that come with your presence and your proximity to the Commander."
Clarke nodded, understanding his concerns but wishing they had no basis in fact. "You see me as a threat that you can't assess." He inclined his head slightly, which she took as agreement. "I understand your concern and share it with you, only let me assure you that I am the last person who would ever intentionally harm her. Nonetheless, I am who I am and I can't escape it, no matter how hard I try."
"Then why are you here?" He narrowed his eyes slightly and twisted his mouth into a mocking grimace.
"Because all this has to end. I understand Heda's intentions and I stand behind her decisions. And if I can help end the war and the killing, I will do everything in my power to do so. But I also know that my time here is limited, so I'm not getting my hopes up." Sometimes there was nothing left to do but face the reality of the moment.
"I'm glad we share the same opinion on this." She knew she hadn't convinced him of her louder intentions, she hadn't even won him over to her side, but it was a start.
"It's your job to protect her and I've made that mine too." He looked at her intently, nodded and finally disappeared.
Instantly, Clarke seemed to get enough air to breathe again. His stare had burned in and his words had made it clear that he would rather do anything than devote his time to her and so she decided to take as little advantage of his help as possible. She would certainly be able to spend her time more wisely.
The third day began and with it the desire to discover new things. She had been locked up in her room or a cell for too long to sit around now. She made her way to one of the lower floors and to the laundry room Titus had mentioned. Ryder was always near her, who probably thought she would escape at an unobserved second, but she had no intention of doing so. She didn't see the point either.
When she opened the door, damp air rushed in and she began to look around curiously. Clothes were being washed in large vats filled with water. Some contained clear water, while others were filled with a soapy solution. The latter stood on a metal device that was heated through an opening in the base and into which logs were placed at regular intervals. It took a moment to reach a certain temperature, but there was enough to do to pass the time. They worked hand in hand, each of the men and women knew their task. They had been carefully trained in their respective tasks beforehand and could carry out the individual steps in their sleep.
Clarke heard some of them singing, others laughing. There seemed to be no rush, and why should there be; everything took time. She was fascinated by the prevailing atmosphere, which made it difficult not to get infected and the blonde began to feel more and more free and carefree in this colorful hustle and bustle.
Finally, one of the women approached her. "Do you have any clothes you'd like to wash?"
"To be honest, I'd rather make myself useful," the blonde replied, shrugging her shoulders.
"But you're a guest of our commander..." the young woman looked at her almost panicked.
"I don't know if this is really the right name for me. But please call me Clarke. Besides, you'd be doing me a favor, because otherwise I'll stay in my room and take up knitting at some point. Which is far beyond my talents." The blonde attempted a smile, which was returned somewhat hesitantly before the young woman accepted the proffered hand. "I'm Octavia, and I think there's enough to do to keep you from possibly dying of boredom." The woman with the dark hair, the bright eyes and the mischievous twinkle in them smirked. "Our tasks are very varied, as we not only wash the clothes, but also dye, adjust and mend them if necessary, although the latter is less something you might like. So armed with needle and thread." The dark-haired woman winked at her and Clarke had to grin. "I guess you're right."
"I'll show you everything first and then we'll see where you need help and what you like best." The blonde nodded and the tour began. Octavia explained the entire process to her, the individual steps of each job and where she could get help or new material. Everything meshed together like the gears of a machine. There wasn't a single part that wasn't useful.
Finally, Clarke wielded a long stick and washed the dirty clothes in one of the oversized soap-filled tubs while the others tried to teach her songs that were typical of their respective clans. And every time she failed, she could laugh about it and was encouraged to keep trying.
The hours flew by and she felt like a completely different person. When was the last time she had messed around, laughed and not had to worry? Clarke didn't know and she didn't want to worry about it. She was enjoying the circumstances too much.
So at the end of the day, she said goodbye with a broad smile to all the new faces who had welcomed her into their midst and promised to come back tomorrow.
Lexa, meanwhile, rode through knee-high snow over unsecured mountain slopes that offered only a meagre path through the Azgeda Mountains. A number of mountain lions had crossed her path, but she had only killed two to add to her supplies in their dried state. They had scared off all the others. The brunette only killed when it was necessary, in the event of an attack or hunger. She considered everything else contemptuous of life. Some interpreted this view as weakness, but she clearly took a different stance.
Suddenly she raised her hand and the caravan stopped. She had been carefully observing the area and listening for any noise, a hiss that clearly did not belong here had caught her attention. The very next moment, one of her warriors fell silently from his horse. She gave hers the spurs. "Go on, duck." Much faster and more careless than before, they rode forward at a furious gallop. "An ambush!" The whirring and hissing grew louder, seeming to get closer and closer, surrounding them as Lexa saw the saving underpass that connected the Azgeda area to the Lake People. "Faster!"
They demanded everything from their mounts. They were already panting, but even when they thought they were safe, they rode on for a few minutes before they dared to stop and dismount. They would take no chances.
"That was an assassination attempt!" Gustus, who had stepped up next to his commander, was outraged.
But Lexa shook her head. "No, a threat, or at least a warning."
"And what do we do now?" The 2-meter-tall man with the long hair, the scars on his face and his pronounced beard seemed ready to fight again.
"We'll make haste. I thought we had more time, but it seems to have run out." An unknown fear constricted her heart and took her breath away. Several days' ride separated her from Polis and thus from Clarke. She had to trust Ryder to protect her and the thought of not being able to do it herself didn't sit well with her. What if she was too late? She wouldn't be able to protect Clarke? She didn't know if she could live with that guilt.
"What is the meaning of this?" Her bodyguard wanted to know what she was afraid to say out loud, but she had no choice. "Nia knows."