Alex felt uncomfortable.
Sitting in the doctor's office always unsettled her, especially if it wasn't related to her physical body. Most of the time she could handle the scrutiny the came along with bandages, exams, or treatments, but when you were talking about the brain, the was another story.
For about 15 minutes Jhené Aiko, Sza, Victoria Monet, and strangely a little Drake blared through her earbuds, helping to drown out the noise of the rest of the office, though it didn't help to calm her mindless scrolling or the leg that bobbed up and down rather uncontrollably.
Finally, her name was called and she walked back to the doctor's office, butterflies coming up in her stomach as she took a seat in a chair and slumped down into it.
Her therapist walked in, looking at her with an unfamiliar look on her face. Alex didn't know what to make of it but it didn't seem negative.
'So you've come in for an ADHD assessment today?'
'Yea, I wanted to know if that could be the cause of a lot of my daily struggles, especially with keeping focus and stuff.
'Well I'm actually glad that you came in because it's something that I noticed a while ago.'
'Huh?'
'Yea, you think I didn't notice that you can't hold focus sometimes. You also frequently interrupt me when you talk about things you're passionate about. You're also bouncing your leg right now.'
Alex self consciously brought her leg to a halt, which really didn't work because her fingers started to move and she started to mess with things in pocket, instinctively grabbing her phone an opening it, scrolling through an app that she wasn't really paying attention to.
'I wanna say something and it might be a bit of a trigger, so I'll let you know that you can stop me whenever you feel too overwhelmed or if it hits too close to home. That good?'
Alex nodded apprehensively, the grip on her phone tightening as she locked it in place and allowed her leg to start bouncing again, the ability to release the built up tension feeling grey once she started.
'Healthcare quite often disregards the needs of women, especially women like me and you.' The comment was accompanied by her therapist pointing to the back of her hand, making sure Alex knew she was talking about black women in particular.
'We often go misdiagnosed or it's assumed that we are far more resilient than other races, so doctors quite frankly ignore us when we express our needs. I say all this to say that I think that the bipolar disorder diagnosis you got when you were younger is wrong. I do think you have ADHD.'
Alex sat there for a moment, trying to process what was just said and fight back tears as memories flooded back into her head, the painful recollections of yesteryear popping up almost like a movie screen.
10 years ago...
'I told you that I don't have anger problems, they keep messin' wit me!'
Alex huffed, her face and body tense as she was made to sit in the waiting room for a psychologist she really didn't want to go to. To be honest she felt that the other kids that got her here should be sitting in this office.
'Dumbass niggas shoulda in trouble with me-
'Watch your mouth before I cut up in this office with you'
The sting in her mother's voice was enough to close her mouth, though that didn't extend to her mind, which continued to hurl insults at people she would see again next Monday.
Soon the receptionist called Alex back to the office that she didn't want to enter but had no choice in the matter. Taking a seat in one of the stale smelling chairs, she gazed around the room, taking in the bookshelves and degrees hanging on the walls. In front of her sat a middle aged man, time having discolored his hair and beard white and hardened the look in his face.
'So Alex, why are you here?'
'Cause niggas can't keep their hands to themselves.'
Strangely, that comment earned her the click of a pen and several scribbles, the doctor's hard gaze hardly loosening its grip on her except to occasionally make sure that he was writing down his notes properly.
'And do you think it's appropriate to fight in school?'
'No, but Imma defend myself in I need to.'
By now Alex's leg was bouncing up and down, something she did every now and then but felt good. She also noticed that he was scribbling again.
'What, you gon' write every time a say something?'
Her face tightened as he did again, this time holding her gaze, letting her know that he would do it out of spite if he so pleased.
'Bro lemme outta here-, Alex said as she stood up abruptly, frustrated that he was just toying with her.
'Melissa, send the mother in!'
Seconds later Alex's mother strutted into the room, pointing sharply at the chair that Alex was previously sitting in, making her daughter slump back into the chair, dust pluming up around her as she folded her arms and her mother taking the next available seat.
'Now Mrs Abrams'-
'MS. Abrams thank you.' Her parents divorce was still a sensitive spot that Alex hated to hear about and her mother was quick to emphasize.
'Ms. Abrams, I believe your daughter has several defiant behavioral traits associated with bipolar disorder.'
'Bro, I'm not fuckin bipol'-, were the only words that Alex was able to get out before the back of a hand hit her mouth, making her tense up. While most kids would've cried or sat back, Alex gripped the arm of her chair, it taking everything not to react. To make things worse, she heard the scribble of that stupid pen.
'I told you watch your mouth. Continue please.'
Over the next hour, the doctor and her mom went back and forth discussing Alex's behavior based on what her teacher wrote and how her mother felt. In the end, they walked out with a prescription and Alex's mom looking at her snuggly as she got in the car next to her certain, that she'd found vindication in her feelings for her only daughter.
Present
Alex lost the fight with her tear ducts.
She wiped her face, exhaling as the memories finally receded and she focused her attention back to the woman in front of her.
'I can see that this is a bit tough for you, and your experiences are valid. But I want you to know that I'm here to help you and I want you to succeed. That is, if you'll let me.'
Alex glanced up, trying not to associate this woman with the man that had villainized her a decade ago, wanting to trust her but feeling hesitant.
'If it makes you feel any better, medication is the primary method of treating ADHD, but we can couple that with something else.' She handed Alex a few papers and gave her a minute to read and take it in.
'There are a few behavioral coping strategies that'll make your life a lot easier and improve your mental health by a lot.'
Alex nodded and the next half hour passed with them discussing schedules, sensory input, and what medication she would take.
Later
Alex walked back into her dorm, finding Britain on the bed with several books strewn across it and one in his lap as his head gazed down at the pages.
'I went to my therapist today.'
'What'd she say?', Britain asked, scooting over to make room her as she changed and got in the bed, pulling him closer to her as she finally rested her head on a pillow after a long day.
'You were right. She discontinued my bipolar medication.'
Alex waited for a response as his side tensed for a brief moment before relaxing again.
'That's great! I will say that you don't sound too enthusiastic about it.'
Though she hated that Britain pointed it out, he was right. She hated it when Britain was right.
'To be honest, I don't know how I feel. For so long everyone made it seem like I was crazy. To have someone tell me that I'm not problem is really nice for once, it just feels...... weird.'
Britain turned around in her arms and put a kiss on her forehead.
'I know, you just gotta give it some time. You've just gotta let yourself process your emotions. Trust me I understand what it means to feel unheard and demonized.'
'Really, how?', Alex doubted that Britain knew what that felt like, especially since he seemed so sheltered.
'I-I'd rather not talk about at the moment. Right now let's just focus on your therapy session.'
Though she didn't like that he'd deflected her question like that, she could feel his body tense up in her arms again so she decided to let it go for now. They continued to talk until small talk took over.
Alex turned Netflix on, and the third season of House of Cards began to play , a show they each enjoyed, especially Britain. As their eyes focused on the screen, she zoned out thinking about today's events. However she felt about it she just had one thought she held onto with a firm mental grip.
She was gonna make this work.