(The Night We Met - Lord Huron)
Each night, I forwent dinner and instead returned to the secret room where I would spend hours among the books and exploring each corner, always finding something I hadn't noticed before. Some evenings, I would return to my bed with darkened eyes and make quick, passive conversation with a rather worried Marlene before pulling the covers up over my head and tugging my eyes shut tight.
Sleep however, rarely came.
My dreams during the rare hours it did were exactly as to be expected. My mind was wound around the home I once knew, the parents I once loved - still loved. Only now I was left to wallow in the lies laced below the surface.
What could be real?
What could be fake?
Had they ever loved me?
Am I really going to die?
Do I even care?
My parents' smiles often clouded my dreams until it was all I could see just before a blinding, billowing cover of white light and I would wake in a cold sweat. My skin clammy and pale, my heart thumping and aching.
Tonight was no different.
My bones too heavy, my body too drained, I tossed below my quilt back and forth with fingers clenched against my chest in desperate attempts to calm the swell of emotions just below. In the short time I had been able to fall from my reality, I dreamt of my parents again only this time they twisted and turned in smoke until I was met with Sebastian's pained face and frantic words.
"How could they do that to her?"
It was his voice that startled me from sleep, once again saving me from myself.
The still fading light outside the window curled over my sweat stained pillow and I realized I couldn't have been asleep for more than an hour. My roommates weren't even in their beds yet, though it looked as if Marlene had already left her nightly glass of water on my nightstand tucked aside a little note I knew would say some rendition of the same thing.
I'm here if you need me.
Perhaps she was in the Great Hall with the others finishing up dinner or huddled up in the common room studying as I ought to be. Despite her kindness, I couldn't bring myself to linger long in those places, surrounded by students and forevers I may never have.
Instead, I groaned and rolled off the side of the bed, messily folding a spare blanket beneath my arm and stuffing my feet into my boots before shuffling out past the lingering students and into the halls. I kept my head low, thankful that in the chaos of their studying, few even noticed me as I wound up higher and higher toward the Room.
The hallways and staircases up thinned of students, leaving only the occasional cat and wall hung portrait to pass by. Yet, when I turned the final corner at the top of the steps, my heart sunk, spotting the jumbled uniform of a student slouched below the tapestry across from the usual entrance to the Room. I grumbled, fumbling through possible ways to make them leave long enough for me to sneak into the secret space.
Yet, in my frantic haze, my eyes landed on that of the student's and my breath caught - the desperate eyes of a crushed soul.
Familiar, desperate eyes.
Sebastian Sallow's eyes.
My Sebastian.
Disheveled hair and dark eyes, now rimmed red and puffy, caught mine, widening. He yanked himself up from the floor so frantically he nearly tripped over his own boot. Stumbling once, he raised his hands shakily, speaking so quickly it took me a moment to process.
"I'll go! I swear, I'll leave and- and you never have to see me again if that's what you want." His voice trembled. "I just- I- I wanted to make sure you had something to eat."
The boy in front of me fumbled in his pockets, pulling something wrapped in a brown paper bag and holding it out to me with shaking fingers, eyes pleading.
"I- you haven't been in the Great Hall- Tooby says he hasn't seen you either- Anne told me I need to leave you be longer but-"
When I made no move to grab the parcel, still shocked into silence, Sebastian took a hesitant step forward. He gingerly tucked the parcel into my palm before moving back once more.
"It's a sandwich. I made it in the kitchens. I wasn't sure which kind was your favorite-" He gestured to the bag. "-this one was my mother's so, I figured it might be a safe bet."
My heart clenched.
Sebastian allowed himself the smallest of smirks but it looked wrong across his reddened cheeks. "I didn't think pancakes were quite suitable for a bag. There is a pear in there though... of course."
He shifted uncomfortably, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as his eyes watched me expectantly, hope dancing within the crimson now cresting in the corners.
Still frozen, still terrified, I couldn't pull the words from my lips.
Sebastian held my gaze a moment more before dropping his eyes to the floor, opening his mouth and then closing it again and nodding quickly.
"I'll go." His voice entirely broken and nearly inaudible.
Hate stabbed at my heart as he brushed past me gently.
Hating myself for pushing him away.
Hating myself for hurting him like this.
Hating myself for not having the words to explain the tantrum inside.
Hating myself for selfishly wanting him back.
Hating myself for-
-no.
Fuck this.
"Sebastian." My voice cracked unpleasantly, having held silent in my throat for days.
He paused and I watched the shuddered rise and fall of his shoulders and the quick swipe of his hand across his cheeks before he turned back to me, eyes heavy. All composure he had held a moment ago had crumbled, lip trembling, tears stained and smeared across his face, shades of red painted over his nose and clouding the constellations on his cheeks.
The shell of myself cracked under the weight of it all and I hiccuped a strained sob so quietly, I worried perhaps he wouldn't hear me.
"Would you- could you hug me?"
Echoed wishes of a past that seemed entirely too far away.
His face distorted for a split second, nose crinkling and jaw clenching before he swallowed deeply and stumbled forward, knees wobbling and tumbling into me. One of his warm hands threaded around my waist while the other cupped the back of my head, burying his face into the crook of my neck. His fingers fisted within my hair, a single of his sobs tumbling over my bones as I sank into him, dropping the little brown bag and folded blanket. I threaded my own fingertips along the back of his neck feeling the weight and spark of his skin beneath each one.
And there we stayed, clasped to each other in the middle of the hallway in a puddled mess, sobbing into the other and letting our hearts cling to the shattered bits of the other's, holding them together in tandem.
It seemed an entirely too short eternity before either of us spoke, neither one wanting to break the silence and risk the chaos of a shattered moment.
It seemed only natural, a Sallow quip could bandage such a tender moment.
"If I ever say no to that question sweetheart, please send me to Azkaban."
I laughed once and though my heart still strained, it felt nice.
The rough pads of Sebastian's fingers brushed against my chin, tilting my face up to his, tears now smothered over his skin. I wanted to wipe them away, to soak up his pain with my fingertips but the gentle look in his eyes held my body still.
"Would you really do it?"
His brows furrowed, head tilting to the side, eyes flicking between mine. "Do what?"
"Leave and never see me again?"
His lips pulled tight and something flickered behind his eyes.
"How could I?" He swallowed, blinking as a single tear dipped between his cheek and nose. "I believe we are bound by the deepest of promises never to leave each other." He held his pinky up between us, wiggling it as best he could but the motion looked choppy and labored.
He scrunched his nose, glaring at his smallest finger. "This is a lot harder than it should be."
Another hiccuped laugh slipped between my tears. I wrapped my fingers around his hand, bringing it closer and pressing my lips against the wiggling digit until it stilled.
Sebastian seemed to stop breathing, his own lips twitching but his eyes still hollow and sad.
His voice a whisper. "Can I kiss you? Please."
Letting his finger brush gently over my bottom lip,
letting the spark within my chest burn away the thoughts and the devil within,
letting the tug of my heart pull closer to his in a perfect perigee, our orbit far closer than it had ever been before,
I nodded.
And in an instant his hands had cupped my cheeks, thumbs behind my ears, and he pulled my lips to his. The kiss seared against my skin, quickly dipping within and wrapping around my tongue. The burn of it all momentarily numbing the pain and I cursed myself for ever having wanted the distance.
Only after we shifted apart for air did he speak again, forehead against mine.
"Please don't make me leave you again."
"I'm sorry-" I started, but he shook his head against mine.
"If you need space, if you need time- I understand." He pressed the smallest of kisses to my forehead, just above my brow. "-but seeing you hurting, and then you ran away from me- I wanted to give you the time to process. I wanted to listen to Anne and Ominis but Merlin Atley, you weren't eating and I couldn't just-"
He winced, squeezing his eyes tight and shaking his head. "I sound obsessed and insane- I don't know what I'm trying to say-"
And yet somehow, I did know what he meant and it pooled in the bottom of my lungs, warm and full.
"I don't know how your heart fits in your chest Sebastian Sallow. It's far too big for your own good."
He laughed, the warmth of his breath pressing against my neck. "I don't want to smother you, but it nearly killed me not being able to hold you."
I smiled sadly, nodding and preparing to let loose my heart and scramble all of my own fears between us.
Yet instead, my eyes drifted past his messy brown hair to the tapestry hanging behind him. The tutu wearing trolls watched with cocked heads and curious eyes while one of them held a hand out over the little wizard, holding him still though he too stood frozen in place, hands outstretched to the trolls but eyes on mine.
Suddenly, I was tumbled back to the reality of the hallway, aware of the thick stone below my feet and the wall concealing the entrance to the Room only a few paces away.
I dropped my eyes to the ground, searching the floor for an answer I didn't have.
"How did you know where to find me?"
Sebastian sniffled. "What?"
My eyes flicked back up to his. "How did you know to look for me here?"
The smallest twitch of a smirk tipped up the corner of his lips until he was grinning widely.
"When I couldn't find you anywhere, I figured the castle must have taken a liking to you."
I pulled my brows together, eyeing him just as curiously as the trolls on the wall though now their scrunched faces almost looked to be grinning themselves.
He nodded just over my shoulder, one brow raised and I turned to look.
The Room entrance had seamlessly threaded itself into the stone and now waited patiently in the wall.
Snapping my head back, I found the ever cocky Sebastian Sallow with his arms crossed and hip popped triumphantly.
"You always were everyone's favorite. Its no wonder the Room of Requirement would choose you too."