Intro:
His Untold Truth was written by Andreachim98. It is a BTS fanfiction following original character Millie and BTS member Kim Taehyung along with Millie's police officer best friend, Park Jimin. It is a mystery crime thriller with only five chapters out so far, but of those five chapters, there is a lot of suspense and intrigue.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
Alright, yes, we know what my name is, we know who I bark for, so I might as well start with him since we know I have a lot to say.
Park Jimin.
While he isn't in the story much so far, I think his inclusion is going to play an important role later, and the role he's played now has been very sweet and very Jimin. He's helplessly in love with a woman who's in love with someone else, and he drops everything to help her at all hours of the day, even if he doesn't personally agree with what she's doing. His devotion to her and his kindness is very well-portrayed. Considering this is a dark story covering dark subject matter and toxic characters like Taehyung, having Jimin as the levity and light was a good decision considering it fits his irl persona. Obviously it's fanfic so you don't have to go by real life in any way, shape, or form, though it is a nice touch to have Jimin, the angel boy irl, be an angel boy here, too.
I know I'm super biased since Jimin is literally in my name, but I think having him be there but not too prominent to focus on the Millie-Tae relationship was a smart decision. Whenever he's around, he has interesting emotions where you can tell he's so whipped and in love with her. I'm not just praising Jimin because of my adoration of him, though. I genuinely think his inclusion in the narrative works well and creates an interesting dynamic. It also opens more doors to dialogue from Taehyung where you hint at his possessive and dark side, though I will talk more about that later. It also gives Millie more emotional grounding since her relationship isn't only to Taehyung; she has more than one person she cares about. Oftentimes in stories that go in the kidnapping direction, the female lead will have no one outside of the person who kidnapped her, so having another strong relationship in the book made it more realistic and fun to read.
I apologize, but I have to let it out. Hang on, here it comes...
OFFICER PARK 😍😍😍😍😍😍🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤😩😩😩😩😩 BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF *howls like a pack of wolves during a full moon*. OFFICERRRRRRRR 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 POLICE OFFICER PARK JIMIN BARK BARK BARK 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😩😩🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Okay, there, I got it out. Let's move on.
Let's talk about Taehyung now. I mentioned earlier that Jimin's inclusion leads to more dialogue options for Taehyung since he's very clearly jealous of Jimin. You do a good job showing his toxicity in such subtle ways. For example, Taehyung is always comparing himself to Jimin and even claiming he's more trustworthy than Jimin. To Taehyung, it's a competition where Millie is the prize.
I'm just speculating because only five chapters are out and we don't know the full story yet, but based on what I've seen, it almost seems like Taehyung loves the idea of her, not her. He does feel genuine love, but it's not necessarily because he loves her, but rather he loves the idea of love and the idea of being the #1 man in her life. Jimin's presence is a roadblock for him that he can't get over.
In chapter 5, she breaks her phone again and really should go home since otherwise Jimin is going to send an FBI raid to them (exaggerating, but you know what I mean); however, Taehyung is adamant about her staying and manipulates her into thinking it's okay and she should spend the night. He uses her attraction toward him against her and gets what he wants. He always finds a way to get what he wants.
He's better than like every other male lead in this kidnapping genre because he's a bad guy, but it's more subtle. He actually does nice things for her and is a more realistic toxic person. Most toxic people do just enough nice things to keep their victims hooked, and that's what Taehyung does. He's manipulative and uses her emotions for his gain, but she doesn't realize it because, well, he's giving her what she wants: him. Hope is one of the strongest human emotions, and Tae keeps giving to her to keep her stringed along and hooked on him.
I can go on and on about how his toxicity is portrayed and how he does it in such a smart, subtle way, but I don't want this section to only be about Taehyung and Jimin, so I will leave it at this: Taehyung is an engaging character because of the way his toxicity is shown to us in smaller ways instead of larger ways. He isn't the angry male lead who yells 24/7; he's smart, calculated, and manipulative, which is super unique and more realistic.
In general, the plot is very interesting, and I think you chose all the right chess pieces for this. By that I mean, I think it was a good decision to have her be a police officer's daughter and the best friend of another officer who her father considers one of the best. I hate to bring up Jimin again since I don't want to appear too biased, but the amount of emotional potential here is incredible. Jimin is considered one of the best officers, so imagine the guilt he may feel knowing his best didn't save the woman he's in love with. Imagine the potential conflict between him and her father and how many tense fights that can lead to. There is so much potential here that I'm super excited to see more of it.
Millie is interesting so far. I feel bad for her since she's walking into a red flag without noticing it, and the dramatic irony of her being able to spot red flags in books but not the one right in front of her makes for an intriguing read. It's almost like a cat and mouse game between her and Taehyung, only she doesn't realize she's the mouse.
Overall, the story has many moments of intrigue that kept me engaged. Though there aren't many chapters out yet, I think it has strong potential to absolutely crush our hearts and create tension between the characters that will keep us on the edges of our seats.
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What Didn't Work:
I would recommend not having as much exposition in the first chapter. Most of the first chapter is expository descriptions to tell us all about Millie, her father, and her relationship with Jimin. While some of it is needed, I would recommend downsizing and getting to the scene a bit faster. I say this because we started with an exciting, mysterious scene, then the pacing abruptly stops and goes to 15 paragraphs worth of exposition compared to about 12 paragraphs worth of scene. So there's more exposition than story in the first chapter. I hope when I break it down like that, it makes sense why the exposition was a bit much, especially for a first chapter.
I always recommend authors limit exposition as much as possible in a first chapter because the first chapter is meant to be the hook, and too much info can deter a reader from the story. I'd recommend spacing it out more and maybe putting us in the scene while giving exposition. Let me explain.
The exposition section is just exposition; there's nothing happening around it. Maybe instead, have Millie be in the cafe waiting and you can jump back and forth between scene and exposition, that way you're doing two things at once: moving the plot forward and giving necessary info. Maybe Millie orders a coffee while thinking about when Jimin is going to get there, but she knows he may not show because of his police life, then you can transition by saying it's just like her dad's, then you can give brief intel about her dad. That can make a natural flow between the scene and the exposition, and all of it feels like it matters because it relates to the scene Millie is in.
That's just one suggestion and I'm not saying it's the best one or one to 100% listen to, but I hope it gives you some inspiration and new ideas. I encourage you to play around with how you present exposition!
This is a very, very tiny thing, I apologize for nitpicking. It seems you're writing in a hybrid between US and UK English. You'll use UK words like realisation and towards, then US words like cozy. It seems you're writing more in UK English, and if that's the case, I strongly recommend keeping it consistently in UK English, so cozy would be cosy. Again, that's a really small thing, but it helps with consistency.
I have some grammar suggestions, mostly with commas and dialogue/dialogue tags. Sometimes you end dialogue with a comma even though there is no tag. For example, from chapter 3: "But... I don't know you,". It's not too frequent, but I noticed it happen a few times.
As for commas, there were some confusing sentences because of missing commas. From chapter four: "Because Jimin had to be a crybaby and inform another officer, Seokjin who was dad's part-time news presenter, telling him that my phone was not reachable and to collect me from Jaeju."
This sentence is confusing. For one, the missing comma. There should be a comma after "Seokjin" since you're addressing him directly, and when you do that, we typically put commas around both sides of the name to show that.
What's throwing me off most is the "Because" and the "telling." When you start the sentence with "Because," it implies there's going to be a consequence. So I feel for more agreement, it should be "Because Jimin had to be a crybaby and inform another officer, Seokjin, who was dad's part-time news presenter, he had told him that my phone..." The -ing verb doesn't really work there and creates a syntax error.
Those are general suggestions, but if you want to know what I would do, I'd remove the "because." There's a stigma against starting sentences with because since it risks the sentence feeling choppy, and that's what's happening with that sentence. While I personally don't think it's a huge deal to start a sentence with because as long as it's used sparingly and correctly, I think in this case, you can remove it.
So, something like this: "Jimin had to be a crybaby and inform another officer, Seokjin, who was dad's part-time news presenter, that my phone was not reachable and to collect me from Jaeju."
If you read the original sentence out loud, then that one, you'll notice how much smoother the second sentence sounds, and the sentence still has the same meaning and tone, so you're not losing anything by removing the words "because" and "telling him."
I used that sentence to show the comma errors and also how some sentences feel like they have words forced in, making them awkward. Another sentence from the same chapter, "I doubted if Jimin would offer help this time..."
Most of this sentence is fine, it's the presence of "if" that's the problem. There's no need for it and it's an extra word that risks causing confusion in the sentence. In summary: it doesn't add anything to the sentence, so you can remove it.
Unfortunately, grammar editing software like Grammarly and QuillBot don't pick up on many of these things since many times they aren't grammatically wrong, just awkward. So that means they can't really help here; however, reading out loud and using TTS to have the text read back to you is extremely helpful. I personally use TTS and it helps me eliminate awkward sentences.
If you're ever unsure, I would suggest reading a sentence out loud, then reading it out loud without certain words (in the previous example's case, "if") to see if it flows smoother. If it flows smoother, you can keep the alternative sentence without the extra words. That's just a general suggestion to help with overall syntax and flow, but I encourage you to play around with your sentences and have fun writing them!
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Summary:
- Officer Park😍😍😍
- Taehyung is complex and interesting
- Lots of potential for character conflict
- Millie is engaging so far
- Careful with exposition
- Some grammar errors (tags, commas, syntax)
- Some confusing sentences
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Overall:
His Untold Truth is an engaging mystery thriller with elements of crime and mafia in it. Taehyung is a highlight character with his manipulative ways and realistic toxic traits. If you're someone who's looking for a new mystery fiction, then I highly recommend this story to you.
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Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews (when the shop opens again).
P.S. The host of The Best of Me awards ghosted me and won't tell me when she's going to post the reviews. I've tried messaging her multiple times, but she hasn't answered me, and even when she has sent me responses, they were vague and didn't give me any idea when the results would be posted despite how I gave her my reviews back in November.
For that reason, if you want your review of Secrets, I'm more than happy to put it in a Google Docs and send it to you privately. Please let me know if you'd like it or if you would like to wait a little longer to see if the host will reply to me!