Intro:
The Butterfly Effect was written by CrayFee. It is an Umbrella Academy fanfiction following the events of season 1, but there are twists and turns thrown in there, such as the presence of Eunice, an original character.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
One of the hardest characters from TUA to translate into book form is Klaus due to his over-the-top nature and very unique personality. Klaus is one of those characters were very few actors would be able to play him correctly due to the way he carries himself. With that being said, I think you did a good job translating Klaus' TV persona to the book world. He has that flair that makes him stand out and you do a good job capturing his body movements and facial expressions to make him feel exactly like the Klaus we see on TV.
The same applies to the other TUA characters, but since Klaus is one of the hardest to translate from TV to writing, I thought I'd point out him in particular. Similarly, I liked Klaus' dynamic with Eunice. And the other siblings of course, but since Eunice is new, I thought I'd let you know I liked how those two interacted, especially during the scene later in the book where Klaus is like "Wait how tf did you know that?" I forgot which chapter it was, but I'm sure you know what scene I'm referring to.
In general, you do a good job capturing the feel of TUA. The atmosphere is great and you bring the reader into the scene in a natural way. All the characters feel like they fit, including Eunice. When writing a fanfic about a pre-existing plot/universe, sometimes it's very difficult to add an original character into the mix since the original beloved characters may outshine them.
With Eunice, I felt like she contributed to the plot in a meaningful way and didn't feel shoehorned in or anything like that.
While on the topic of capturing the feel of TUA, there were many scenes that were very well done and fun to read. I felt like they could have been in the actual TV show. For example, the scene in chapter 17, just about halfway through the chapter. It's when Diego starts stuttering and Luther's holding him back. The way that scene is written with the flashbacks woven between was so well done and emotional, I really loved it.
The writing style fits the story and the Umbrella Academy universe perfectly. I really like how you write, what words you use to describe the characters/environments, and how you present the overall story. You lean into the whacky side of the concept but also take time to explore the emotions. I really hope you do more with the Umbrella Academy universe since you're definitely a great fit for writing in the style that matches the feel of the show.
I really liked how the title tied into the book. Many times authors choose titles because they sound pretty; however, in this, the title directly related to the story. Like the ending. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who is reading this review, but the ending talking about the butterfly effect was very interesting, especially since I know what happens next thanks to me watching the show. Now I get to picture what's going to happen in season 2 but with the updated events of what you wrote in your book.
In general, I really liked reading this, and it was fun to see an Umbrella Academy fanfic! I haven't read too many, so it was a great experience!
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What Didn't Work:
Let's begin with some technical writing things.
Dialogue tags are done incorrectly. Since dialogue tags are continuations of the sentence, they need to be lowercase unless they are a proper noun. For example, "There will be no need Eunice. Can I come in?" He asked as she paused.
What it should be: "There will be no need, Eunice. Can I come in?" he asked as she paused.
Even if the end punctuation isn't a comma, the tag still needs to be lowercase unless it is a proper noun. Also, when using a tag, you cannot use a period.
So, for example, "...okay sure." She said.
It should be: "...okay sure," she said.
There are some punctuation errors, like missing commas. For example, from chapter 2: "Eunice began to subconsciously pull on the sleeve of her glove unable to contain her energy."
What it should be: "Eunice began to subconsciously pull on the sleeve of her glove, unable to contain her energy."
Another example, this time from chapter 41: "Behind her she heard Five groans, spinning around as Klaus began to tease Luther and the woman began to creep off to the side eventually disappearing down the stairs with a red face."
This sentence could benefit from some cleaning up to make it more clear. Here's one example: "Behind her, she heard Five groan, spinning around as Klaus began to tease Luther, and the woman crept off to the side, eventually disappearing down the stairs with a red face."
Since "Five" is a name in this situation and not a number, the "groan" should be singular. Grammar editing software may say "groans," but that's because they aren't registering "Five" as a name.
You'll notice I removed the second "began" because it was a bit repetitive and I felt simply saying "crept" moved the sentence along with a stronger flow. I also added punctuation since there were missing commas.
That's just one way to make the sentence more clear, but I encourage you to play around with it. I would also recommend playing around with splitting that sentence up. By that I mean, maybe make it two sentences instead of one since it goes on a little long and can get a bit confusing with all the punctuation, if that makes sense.
Moving into the creative writing, I would recommend diversifying the sentences in the sense that you use "however" a lot. Sometimes you use it twice in the same sentence. I would recommend using it less just to keep the sentence structure a little more unique.
The first chapter has a lot of exposition. Pretty much the entire first half of it is exposition about the family and who each character is. While I understand why, I would recommend tightening the pacing by cutting down on some of it and/or saving some of it for later.
I understand TUA also started with exposition (and there's nothing inherently wrong with using exposition), but TUA is visual media that has exciting visuals attached to the exposition to keep the audience immersed. For books, it can be a bit trickier to give exposition in a way that keeps the reader engaged.
I watched TUA so I understood what was going on right away, but I'm glad you made it accessible to a non-fandom audience. I'm glad you included exposition and treated it like its own thing. My only recommendation would be to consider spacing it out more since TUA can be hard to follow, so maybe spacing out some of the exposition can help the audience consume it in more bite-sized chunks. I hope that makes sense.
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Summary:
- Live, laugh, love Klaus
- You capture the feel of TUA
- Cool writing style
- I like how you made the title tie into the story
- Grammar errors (punctuation, dialogue tags)
- Consider using "however" less
- Consider using less exposition at times
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Overall:
The Butterfly Effect is an action-packed Umbrella Academy adventure that introduces you to the whacky world of the Hargreeves. Even if you've never seen TUA, this fanfic is accessible to you due to the author writing it for everyone. If you're someone who enjoys whacky concepts and fun stories, then The Butterfly Effect is perfect for you!
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Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews.