December 7, 2023
I recently heard a character on television say, "You know, the world is full of lonely people afraid to make the first move."
I can't remember the movie but my smarter, future self will add it in later. (Movie is Green Book directed by Peter Farrelly).
This quote made me think of lonely people who are not good at shooting their shot romantically. Do they pine after someone and not at least tell the person? That's got to suck. Because I did that when I was younger. Until I hit a breaking point, I wanted to live a life of "oh wells" not "what ifs?" As an adult... that has changed once again. I didn't realize the "oh wells" are more like "oh shits" and I would think,
"So this is broken heart pain, but at least it's not silent feelings pain."
What a cozy sentiment. I thought I'd had solved why I was in pain, so that it would never hurt me again. I am a person who is practical and tries to solve problems logically. I was lonely in my youth, so I relied on friends rather than family. What companion would be the least amount of effort and lowest turnover rate? Either a bestie or a boyfriend. I tend to avoid having a bunch of friendships to maintain especially if they're not sincere. If you're lucky, your best friend and boyfriend are the same person. Turns out, I had not solved why I was in pain. I found a lovely boyfriend but then it ended so abruptly and after the death of my best friend and dog Chloe. Pain keeps evolving as I grow and I have learnt lately that there is no avoiding it. Only pushing through and coping better. It sucks and sometimes it's easier to have a glass of wine (that just so happens to be in the shape of a bottle, but it's still glass) and watch a movie or show. If I could actually formulate and sell a successful plan to avoiding getting your heart curb stomped, I would be so rich.
"You know, the world is full of lonely people afraid to make the first move."
I also think about estranged friends. Friends too scared to reach out because it's been so long. And the type of friends who had a falling out and one wants to talk it out but they're blocked by the other.
How do you make the first move to reconciliation when you're blocked? I have been struggling with this question even though the answer is quite simple. You don't.
In other words, this screen writer really got me thinking about myself and those I have cut out of my life. Was I too harsh? I was recently cut out of my former best friend's life.
First, I was confused. Our friendship at this point in time was minimal but I was hopeful. She then began taking days and weeks to get back with me. At the time she was my only friend and I really valued that. She made me feel heard and at least tried to listen. When she stopped keeping it touch it hurt but I was patient because she was planning her wedding. After about a month of radio silence from her, she called me and told me she was pregnant. I was super shocked.
I actually remember fumbling my reaction a little bit. I was at a loss for words because she wasn't exactly a person with a healthy state of mind. Kaytee loved smoking weed, and vaping at least once an hour. She would openly discuss wanting a child regularly, but would have some comments like,
"If I got pregnant I don't know if I'd stop smoking weed completely. I've read that it's not all bad."
Followed by, "If I could do like a DNA test on my unborn baby I would. Because if I know before it comes out that it's gonna be autistic, I would abort it. I do not have the capacity to deal with that." (I know, she is whack).
After processing her pregnancy news I said,
"Congratulations! I know you've wanted a child for a long time. I am so excited for you in this next chapter of your life."
I remember feeling sad as I was saying it. Not because I didn't mean what I said, I meant it. I just was struggling with that news in the midst of a quarter life crisis. I had recently ended a three year relationship, my childhood dog passed a month before that, and I was fresh off of moving. I was at a very low point in my life. After I hung up the phone with Kaytee, I did not talk to her for two weeks.
I felt as if she had always tended to chime in and out of my life on her terms. It's tricky because on one hand, good for her for being able to have boundaries. Yet, at the same time she was taking advantage of the fact I never get upset about her long silences. I usually don't mind because life is busy, but we do what we can.
This time, I was upset. She popped in to say her news than ghosted away for weeks. I needed her more than she realized. Kaytee preached to me that I needed to reach out more, so occasionally I would. No response. It got to the point where if I stopped being friends with her, nothing would change. She already didn't talk to me, and we live across the country from one another. I couldn't cut her off because, I didn't want to be mean. I figured we will get over this and be close again one day. I decided to stop relying on her for someone to talk to and be friends with altogether. She has a lot going on and I need to get my own shit together and find a way to make my life better.
So I applied for a job I never dreamed I would get. Which I discussed with Kaytee a little bit in a text message she took weeks to respond to. I needed something to keep me going. With the loss of my best friend and dog Chloe, I never wanted to die more. It reminded me of when I lost my mom when I was 11. Like the pain I was in over this lovely dog was immeasurable. I needed another dog to love, and I need a job or a career. I needed something to fill my time so I wouldn't take my thoughts to a dark place.
While waiting to see if I got the job I was at a low point and messaged Kaytee that I hope she has the wedding of her dreams, and I wouldn't be coming to California anymore (missing her wedding). I admit I should have thought about that message more. Kaytee has every right to not like that. I just was at the point in life of wanting it to be over. If I didn't get this job, I would officially have no reasons to be here anymore. Kaytee asked why and what had happened. I didn't know what to say. I honestly just had no words and didn't feel like saying something as heavy as,
"I don't want to live anymore"
Just for the message to sit on read for two weeks. So, in my unwise response repertoire I told her that she may want to consider a new maid of honor since I am working now. I know she values the quality of the effort from her bridal party. I thought I was communicating and the worst case scenario was she would be like,
"What? No crazy bitch, you're my maid of honor."
Against all the odds I got the job. I was so excited but I had food poising and had to go to mandatory training. I accidentally forgot about her messages for one weekend, a Friday and Saturday. I apologized when I realized and provided context. That did not help the situation, and in turn she ghosted me. Kaytee unfollowed me on Instagram, TikTok and SnapChat. Without speaking to me, she just removed herself.
I noticed on accident when she unfollowed me because I was looking something up on her profile for her wedding present. It stung, I was so shocked she had just left my life. I then texted her saying,
"I had noticed you unfollowed me. I value our friendship, could we talk about what I did to upset you?"
This might have been the most mature moment of my life because I was so upset with her and her self obsession. At heart she was a good person lost in her own situation just like I was. Days went by and she still never responded. I even tried asking how she was because I know there was a lot going on. I wasn't trying to rush a response. Yet, when you unfollow someone like that, how cruel can you be in leaving them to wonder?
Well here is where I was wrong. I got drunk one evening in California with my father and his friends Jared and John. I was sick of her not responding so I sent her this little anecdote,
"My therapist has advised me to just unfollow you back. You're petty game is level 0."
"Just to be clear, your petty game is 0."
Not my nicest messages. I know, it wasn't constructive at all. In my own drunken, misguided way I was trying to stand up for myself because as long as I've been friends with Kaytee, I have been silent. Anytime I've had a problem with her I just let it go so I wouldn't upset her. She would always say,
"It's crazy you're the only person who doesn't drive me up the wall."
and
"We never fight, it's so nice."
That was only true because I never said anything when I was upset with her. I just moved on and faked being fine. I was upset she wasn't responding or being a friend anymore, so I sent that message. She then sent me a mind numbingly long novel about how I hurt her feelings and how I'm manipulative. Then blocked me so I couldn't respond, and had the balls to add
"I hope you can find closure."
I just wanted to talk it out... And boy did that label me as manipulative. In all my years in this world, that will probably be the most ironic, what the fuck moment of my life. Talk about backwards thinking. I was being manipulative? Even when she unfollowed me and ignored me? So what would you call that behavior? Oh that's right, when Kaytee does it, it's labelled as: standing up for her self.
I can't believes she would think I was such an awful person that I didn't deserve a conversation where I could explain my situation and reasoning. I was struggling with a lot including the health of my grandmother. I told her right before we stopped being friends that I was scared to move forward in life because after a certain point I'll be the only family member left. My father is older and my grandmother as you can imagine, is too. My mom already passed, and I don't have extended family. I just feel so hurt I trusted her and once thought that Kaytee was my family. Someone to rely on. I was wrong. She is conditional and unforgiving.
It's ironic our whole friendship Kaytee told me to reach out to her more. When I finally worked up to courage and did, she barely responded. Then it was all over.
My biggest lesson from this friendship is stay away from people who cannot handle conflict resolution. It's okay to feel hurt and make mistakes, but months long of silence and unfollowing bullshit are all choices made by a hormonal pregnant woman who is no longer interested in being friends. She always drops me out of her life when I am going through a crisis.
We had a falling out before this one. I finally see this is a toxic friendship. I know she did me a favor by leaving, but I still miss having a close friend in my life. I also regret not being able to call her out on her shit. Kaytee said her breaking point was me not responding right away, but how crazy is this world, that I was upset with her for the same reason?
This time around of friend searching, I will be sure not stay silent. I will no longer be someone's door mat. If somehow, some way Kaytee finds this book and is reading it I'd like to tell her this:
"If you have a problem with how I explained our fight, from the bottom of my heart, rot in hell."
This book will be a commentary on my life as it unfolds. I may bore you or crack you up. Either way good luck, you're in for a real shit show.