Thirty-eight.
[Adam]
Of course it hurts.
Kicking the dream I've worked so hard to live, and throwing away my greatest passion, it sure hurts like hell.
But I did it for her. That's a strong enough reason for me not to back away now, or regret it. I did it so I can stay by her side when she needs me the most, when there must be someone to take care of her all the time, not only because of her health state, but also because she's in a constant war with her thoughts, and she's quite depressed. I have to be there. She needs me.
She will have to give up her job too, and she didn't even choose that. I know how much her job meant to her, how much reading also did, she can't even watch her favourite dramas anymore. Can't I at least give up only one thing I love for her? She has to understand that and stop being mad at me.
Suddenly it comes to me, something that will definitely make her feel better, something that we have been planning since we were engaged. It just needs more planning now.
I get out my phone and text Mariam.
Me: You there?
Mariam: Yup
Mariam: What is it?
Me: I have this thing in mind and I wanted to discuss it with you
Mariam: What kind of thing
Me: I want to take Leen for an Umra
Mariam: But what about her work
Mariam: Oh, sorry
Me: It's okay
Me: I don't even quite understand it myself
Mariam: I think taking her there is a great idea
Me: I know, right?
Me: But the thing is, I won't always be with her in the masjid, so I need you to come
Mariam: Aha
Mariam: I'll ask mom and take a break from work
Me: Okay, call me then
Mariam: Okay
I get out of bed after I couldn't really sleep while we're mad at each other. I walk outside but don't find her.
"Lee!" I call out, but she doesn't answer. "Leen, where are you?" I descend the stairs and hear sounds coming from the kitchen. I walk inside and spot her in front of the fridge, standing cluelessly with bread in her hand.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"I was really hungry, I thought I'd make myself something," she says sensing around until she finds the fridge door, and shuts it.
"Why didn't you call me?" I say taking the bread from her hand. "You can't work with one hand while the other is still in plaster."
"Not only that," she says backing away and taking a seat on a chair. "I don't think I'll be able to carry on with a normal life anymore," she sniffles. "I don't want to bother people and burden them. I can't live like that, Adam." She cries, "Look at you now, quitting your job because of me and worrying about me all the time. I can't even make a sandwich!" I put the bread down on the table and help her stand up and hug her.
"You're not bothering anyone, and you're not a burden," I say smoothing down her hair. "People help those whom they love without thinking about it. I want to do whatever I can for you and I love it, it's not burdensome. Believe me. Plus, later on you'll get really good at doing everything on your own again. And maybe you won't even get the chance to because there's a chance you'll recover inshallah."
"A small chance," she says.
"We don't know yet. And it's a chance anyway." We part away. "What do you wanna eat anyway?"
"Just any sandwich," she smiles gratefully.
I take out my phone, "There was this pasta dish I liked so much, we can search the recipe and let's have a decent dinner. What do you think?" I say enthusiastically.
"Perfect," she tries to match my tone.
I smile to myself and take a chair to the centre of the kitchen. I hold her by the shoulders and guide her to the chair. "Now sit here and wait."
"Okay," she smiles.
I google the recipe and open the website, "The ingredients are: Spaghetti, tomato paste, mushrooms, garlic..." I keep reciting what's written to her and she listens. "Do we have basil?"
"I don't think so," she shakes her head. "But we have some pesto, it contains basil..."
"Perfect!" I say opening the fridge and taking out the pesto.
"What perfect?" she laughs. "That's a mess! You're ruining the recipe."
"We can add our touch anyway, not like the recipe is sacred or something." I say and she laughs again.
"I don't want to go back to the hospital please," she teases me.
"I'm trying to be a nice husband, then look at you making fun of me. You never trust my abilities yubo. Haven't I told you once that I am really smart?"
"I already memorise what you're going to say," she says laughing at the memory. "You can speak four languages and you studied aviation-" she breaks off when she mentions my studies and job.
"Leen," I sigh. "I'm really fine with my choice, so stop worrying and blaming yourself. I told you you're more important to me."
"I still can't get over it," she tries her best not to cry. "I'm really mad at you."
"Not after you eat my divine pasta," I say taking her hand and making her stand up. "Come this way... Yes... Now let's cook together!"
"H-How?" she asks.
"Like this," I make her face the counter and wrap her fingers around the knife, then wrap my fingers around hers. I hold vegetables with the other hand as her left hand is in plaster, and we chop.
"This is fun," she giggles as we break a handful of spaghetti into half and throw it in a pot of boiling water.
"Yeah, I didn't think cooking was that cool!"
She laughs, "You're a kid."
"A kid that can cook," I smirk. "That adds to the list of reason why I'm smart."
"Shut up," she pokes my arm.
"Didn't hurt," I suppress a laugh and she hits me. "Still didn't." She takes a glass of water that she's been drinking from from the table and gives it to me.
"Can you pour me some water?"
"Sure," I say taking the glass. I pour her ice cold water and wrap her fingers around the glass. "Here."
"Thank you," she says taking a tiny sip. Suddenly the whole glass of ice cold water is dripping from my hair and face.
"WHAT THE-" I gasp, and she laughs so hard she sits on the floor holding her stomach.
"Did that hurt?" she manages to say.
"That's my payment for pouring you water?" I ask wiping water from my eyes.
"I wish I can see your face now," she laughs again, less cheerfully.
"You did a pretty good job showering me without even seeing me," I say looking around for tissues.
"It's hilarious anyway."
When we're done, Leen sits at the table as I set it up.
"What do you wanna drink?" I ask.
"I don't think we have any juices."
"No, I've bought some when the doctor said you're about to be discharged. There's pomegranate and apple juices."
"Pomegranate!" she yells.
"I thought so," I chuckle taking out the carton of juice and pouring into two glasses.
When the table is all ready I sit down. "This looks good."
"It smells great!" she says as I put some pasta on her plate.
Ahmed calls me when I decide to go to sleep. I take the phone and stand on the balcony. "How is everything?" I ask.
"Alhamdulillah," he says in a hurry. "I have some great news."
"What?"
"Dad's friend is a well-known doctor in Germany, I asked him if he knows a doctor who can help Leen. He said he knows one of the greatest specialists in Europe, and he called me just now to tell me he could make an appointment for you."
"Are you serious?" I hold the phone tighter. "This is great! When can we go?"
"He said the closest thing he could find is fifteen days from now."
"Fifteen days," I echo. "Okay great! I'll tell Leen. Thank you, Ahmed."
He snorts when I say thank you. "Inshallah she'll recover. We're all praying for her."
***
"Lee!" I run into the bedroom to find her sitting on the bed, facing the wide-open window.
"Yes?" she turns to the direction of my voice.
"Good news!" I say taking a seat next to her, facing the window as well. Oh, that fresh air.
"What is it?"
"We got an appointment with one of the greatest specialists in Europe. We'll fly off to Germany in ten days inshallah."
"Really?" Her eyes light up. Even though they're darkening her world inside, they still light up mine. A bit lost though, she still has the same look.
"Yes!" I say enthusiastically. "Aaand another thing is..." I draw in a lungful of air, "we'll be making an Umra first."
"A-Are you serious?" she says softly.
"Of course I am," I smile at her. "We both need to feel at ease, and that's the best place. And we'll pray in front of the Ka'ba, we'll pray that Allah lets the best happen."
"He'll never let us down," she smiles.
"He never will," I assure her.
The next morning I wake up to a text from Ahmed saying he's waiting in front of the gate.
"Lee," I say nudging her to wake up. "Ahmed's here, I'm going down to meet him."
"Okay," she says sleepily. "Tell him I say hi."
I smile at how sleepy she is.
"Morning," I say walking Ahmed inside.
"Morning bro," he says. "How's Leen?"
"She's trying to be better," I smile.
"Adam," he says getting serious. "Are you really going to quit?"
I sigh, I don't know why everyone is getting crazy over this. It's my choice; I chose that job and now I choose to quit it. "Yes, it's my final decision."
"What did they tell you at work?"
"You know father had relations, and they liked me so they told me I can go back at any time."
"I think that's what you should do."
"Go back?"
"No quit. Stay with your wife when she needs you more than any other time. And go back when things are settled; you can't be on the ground for long. I know you." he smiles. Well, yes he does know me. Better than anyone apparently. Ahmed is the best to know how to give me an advice, more importantly, how to make me take it. I don't know how would I have been able to keep my sanity if it wasn't for Leen, Ahmed and Mariam. I really don't.
I smile back at him, "That's exactly what I've been needing to hear. You're always on time."
"I know," he says teasing me, and gets up.
"Where to?"
"Did you forget that I work?"
"Ah," how much have we been enclosed in the bubble of Leen's illness that we forgot people work-including us? "I'll have to call Omar to start working."
"I guess it'll be the happiest day of his life," Ahmed chuckles walking toward the door.
"Ah, Ahmed!" I suddenly remember. "I'm going to Saudi Arabia in a couple of days. I'll stay for a week."
"Taking Leen for an Umra?"
"Yes, wanna come?" I ask.
"I'll take break from work then," he nods. "You'll need help there."
"I think so," I smile shamefully. "Not so grown up at last."
"We'll never grow up," he smiles. "But this is a real blow."
"Yes it is," I nod. "I'll book the tickets and call you."
"Okay then, I'll get going."
"Okay," I say walking him outside.
***
"Do you need any help?" Leen asks as I'm packing up our bags.
"No, I'm fine."
Leen is sitting on the bed and the bags are all around her. We're travelling this Fajr; ten hours from now.
I've talked to Omar about my decision, I can't help the confusion creeping into my head every time I remember our talk. I took some time to convince him, although I thought he'd just let me start working right away.
"What?" he asked me putting the phone down.
Taking a seat in front of his desk I tried to wear a smile saying, "I want to work here."
"What about your job?" he asked.
"Obviously, I quit."
"Why?" he said, the frown not leaving his face.
"It's the right thing to do now," I sighed
He stayed silent for a few seconds, sighed then looked up at me, "Listen, I don't want you doing things against your will."
"It's not against my will," I argued. "Everyone was against my work anyway, and now that Leen needs me to stay here, it all seems like signs that I should leave that job."
"Signs?" he raised an eyebrow. "It's not a sign, it's just a test, some hardship everyone has to face. Don't give up your life for it."
"Omar," I said calmly, "believe me it's what I want to do. I want to help both of you. Isn't there a job for me?" I smiled faintly.
"Of course there is," he smiled too. "I'll send you everything you'll need to know about our recent business in an e-mail. Read them well and we'll talk once you get back from Germany inshallah."
"I can work from abroad until I'm back, can't I?"
"You can," he nodded. "We'll sort things out; don't worry."
Although he tried to let my back away, I know that deep inside he was truly happy, and for that I, too, am happy. I am also happy that beneath all the frowns and stern masks, my older brother Omar, my friend and second father, the one who cares for me deeply and who can't see me down, is still there.
***
The next day, we pray Al-Fajr together and I take our bags downstairs waiting for Abed who said he'll drive us all to the airport. Mariam arrives, shortly followed by Ahmed then Abed. Ahmed, Abed and I carry the bags and put them in the car trunk while Mariam helps Leen inside the car.
We arrive at the airport and Abed hugs Leen goodbye.
"Take care of her," he smiles patting my arm. "I know I don't need to ask that though."
"Don't worry," I nod. "We'll never leave her."
"I'll make sure she gets bored of me!" Mariam joins the conversation putting her hands around Leen's arm, now just wrapped in bandages after removing the plaster, it was a minor fracture, thank God.
Leen laughs touching Mariam's hand.
"It's time to go," I say glancing at my watch.
"Yes," replies Ahmed. "See you Abed."
"See you, brother."
We sit in the middle, a row of four chairs. Mariam and Leen won't stop talking to each other since we take off, and I start feeling sleepy already. Well, Ahmed slept.
"Economy is more fun than First Class," Mariam giggles to Leen and I shoot her a look as my long legs hit the seat in front of me.
"No it is not," I say trying to find a comfortable position.
"It makes me feel younger! Like we're on a trip in a school bus," she retorts.
"Whatever," I snort. "Read some Quran instead of gossiping, we're supposed to be on for an Umra."
"We're not gossiping! We're remembering what happened in The Book Thief!" Leen defends them.
"You can remember it later, now please be quiet because I can't sleep."
"It's your problem," Mariam smiles annoyingly at me. "Ahmed is deep asleep."
"I envy him, he can sleep in a war zone."
An hour and a half later, Mariam falls asleep as well, Leen is listening to Quran from the earphones and I'm still trying to sleep.
"Adam," Leen takes off the earphones and whispers to me.
"Yes?" I say moving closer to her.
"I wanted to talk to you about something."
"What is it?"
"How's Ahmed now?" she asks. "You know after Reham and all."
"I think he's gotten over her," I whisper too. "I can tell."
"Great!" she says a little too enthusiastically, then clears her throat awkwardly. "Did they wake up?"
"No," I answer. "Why did you ask anyway? Do you have a bride for him," I laugh at the silliness of my question.
"Why are you laughing?" she asks seriously, surprising me.
"What?" my eyes widen. "You do?"
She huffs and sighs, "Adam, how can you be so clueless seriously?" What is it now? "You're too innocent for someone your age."
"What do you mean?" I ask in bewilderment.
She laughs, "You're so cute!"
"Leen," I roll my eyes. "Who's she?"
"She's your sister you empty-headed!" she yells under her breath.
"MARIAM?" I almost choke. "Nonsense!" That'd be so weird! I never thought about it.
"What's the big deal? They'd get along really well. Plus they already know each other."
"Leen, what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that they're the perfect match and you won't find someone as trusted as both of them for each other."
"I've never thought about it," I say.
"I know because you're too innocent habibi," she laughs.
"Look who's talking," I roll my eyes.
"I think we're a couple of idiots who found each other." That makes me crack up. "Shhh, you'll wake them up."
"Okay."
"We really have to think it through," she whispers again. "This trip is a great opportunity. You've been a genius without realising it! You'll have to help anyway."
"Help what?! Setting up my sister and friend together? This is so weird!"
"This is what you're going to do," she orders and I roll my eyes not wanting to think about it. Ahmed and Mariam? Oh God! What was I thinking taking both of them with us. And what the heck is Leen thinking?!
It can't be. It just can't.
"Adam," Leen calls again.
"Yes?"
"It's the best for both of them," she says quietly. "And if they really like each other, what's the problem then?"
"I'll feel really awkward. Wait, you're saying they like each other?"
"I don't know," she shrugs.
Mariam and Ahmed?!
No way. I shake my head.
~~~
Ramadan Kareem everyone! Hope you're having an easy one :D
Remember me in your prayers!
Thank you so much for what we reached until now.
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Nouran.