Wedding
The past few days was a messed. I don't even know how I survived those hopeless nights without k!lling myself! I can't even sleep and eat foods. Para bang bigla na lamang gumuho ang aking mundo. At hindi alam kung paano babangon. Para akong nakakulong sa madilim at malamig na rehas na tila ba nangangapa.
Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng buhay ko. Na animo'y batang naliligaw sa sa isang lugar na hindi pamilyar. Hindi alam kung saan tutungo.
Walang araw na lumipas na hindi ako umiiyak sa loob ng silid. My body became weak as the days passed due to the emptiness I am feeling. Not only because I didn't eat for days but because of the feelings I am suffering. I feel like I am punishing myself for the things I've made.
Pinaparusahan ko ang sarili sa mga bagay na ako naman mismo ang gumawa. But how can I blame myself though? I don't have any choices. How I wish I have. Then, I'm not torturing myself here in the first place. If I have other choices. This the best decision for everyone. Really? I doubt it. If it is, then why I am in this state? Enough Eris!
Napahagulhol ako sa loob ng madilim na kwarto. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong umiyak ngayong araw. Namumugto na at namumula ang aking mga mata dahil sa labis na pag-iyak. I am embracing my body while sitting on the cold floor. My tears kept falling from my eyes. Nanginginig at namamanhid ang aking katawan habang niyayakap ang sarili.
I heard my phone vibrate from the bed beside me. I shifted my eyes to the phone that were ringing. It show up Allen's name in the screen. Walang kagana-gana ko iyong kinuha sa kama sabay sagot.
"Hello?" sa namamaos kong boses.
Batid sa aking boses na galing lang iyon sa pag-iyak. I heard his heavy sigh from the other line. Na tila ba tinatantiya ang sasabihin.
"Hey! Sama ka? We're having a party at my cousin's house. Baka gusto mong sumama?" Pilit niyang pinapasigla ang kan'yang tono kahit halata naman ang pag-aalala nito.
"Sorry, Allen. I won't join. Bye." I didn't let him to speak and ended the call.
I know he just want to comfort me but I really can't afford to go out right now. Baka bigla na lamang akong umiyak sa gitna ng selebrasyon. I don't want to ruin his cousin's party. At ayaw ko rin makaperwisyo pa ng ibang tao sa kalagayan ko ngayon.
I put my phone back to the bed where it was earlier and tried to stand from the floor I am sitting but my head hurts so much and my eyes become blurry. Napahawak ako sa aking ulo habang dumadaing sa sobrang sakit. It feels like someone were smashing it with a hard objects. Before I could stand I felt my body falling on the cold floor. Then, darkness enveloped my sight.
I woke up in the hospital and wearing a white hospital gown. Ramdam ko pa rin ang matinding sakit ng aking ulo at likod. Naririnig ko ang pag-uusap ng mga tao sa loob bago tuluyang iminulat ang aking mga mata. Agad nanlaki ang aking mga mata ng makita ang isang pamilyar na babae sa aking harapan. Hindi ko akalain na naririto siya.
The tears from her eyes were visible while looking at me. Her eyes were full of sadness and agony. That's the first time I saw her in that kind of expression. I suddenly avoided her hands when she tried to touch my face that made her burst in tears in front of me. Tita and Dad left the room leaving with this woman.
"A-An-naak... S-Sorry..."
Hindi ko alam kung ano nga ba ang aking maramdaman. My mother who abandoned me when I'm just a little kid is here right in front of my face crying. Dapat din ba akong maiyak? But why? Wala akong maramdaman kung ano sa kundi kundi galit. Galit na matagal na panahon kung kinimkim.
Am I bad daughter? For feeling this way? But why? Mali ba na magalit sa iyong ina na inabandona ka? Mali ba na magalit sa iyong ina na ang ginawa lang ay pahirapan at saktan ka nang paulit-paulit?
Why? Bakit ngayon pa siya nagpakita sa akin? Sana hindi na lang. I don't need her tears, sorrows and empathy. Na kaya ko ng ilang taon na wala siya. Kakayanin ko rin ngayon. I don't need her. I don't need them. I only need myself. And him. S-Silas. Pero ipinagkait pa siya akin ng tadhana.
"Why are you here? Leave! I don't need you here!" I hissed angrily.
"S-Sorry... Sorry..." She tried to hold my hand but I immediately push her hand away from me. Nabigla siya nang kabigin ko ang kan'yang kamay. Paulit-ulit ang paghingi niya ng sorry sa akin ngunit paulit-ulit ko rin siyang pinapaalis.
Umalis lang siya nang mapansin na iniinda ko na ang aking ulo. She immediately leave my room and called the doctor that me to calm down. After the doctor check my vitals I fell asleep.
The next day, I was able to eat even it's just a little bit. Nakalabas na rin ako ng hospital pagkatapos ng isang linggong pamamalagi roon. Ngunit naroon pa rin ang bigat na aking nararamdaman. Though it's understandable because it won't heal easily in just a short period of time. It takes time. And I know I will get there very soon. I will move on eventually. I hope so.
My whole month revolve around inside the house. Ayaw kong magkaharap at magkita muli kami baka baliin ko lang ang desisyon ko. I also deactivated all my social media accounts so that I don't have any updates from him.
I kept myself busy to avoid thinking about him. Pero mga times pa rin talaga na naiisip ko siya kahit gaano man ako kaabala sa ginagawa. There are times that I clean the whole house just to avoid thinking him but it's not that effective. Namamalayan ko na lang ang sarili na umiiyak sa gitna nang paglilinis at pagliligpit.
Naging ganoon ang routine ko araw-araw sa bahay. Subalit minsan ay pinapagalitan ako ni Daddy sa tuwing nakikita niya akong naglilinis. Pinapahinga niya na lamang ako sa aking kwarto. Nagkaroon na sila ng pakialam sa akin nang malaman nila na bilang na lamang ang mga araw ko rito sa mundo. How ironic it is? Ganoon ba talaga dapat? They will start loving and taking care of you when it's already too late? If it is, then it's bullshit. Where are they, when I needed them the most?
I put the glasses in the table after sipping from it. I flip the next page of the book I am reading. It was Colleen Hoover book entitled It Ends With Us. Napadako ang tingin ko sa ibabaw ng mesa nang may dumapo roon na puting ibon. I want to touch it but I'm afraid it will flew away. Pinagmasdan ko na lamang iyon habang umiikot sa mesa. Nasa veranda kasi ako ng kwarto ko nagmumuni-muni.
While looking at the bird I hear my phone ringing. I wonder who call me. Napapipikit ako nang dumampi ang malamig na hangin sa aking mukha. I opened my eyes when my phone ring again for nth time. I fetched my phone to check who is calling. It was Allen. Kumunot ang noo ko na sinagot ang tawag n'ya. Bakit siya tawag nang tawag sa akin?
"What's up? Is there something wrong? Why are you calling me?" Sunod-sunod kong tanong.
I heard him sighing from the other line. He took ang few seconds before he responded to me.
"U-Uhmm. H-Hindi mo ba alam? Ngayon ang kasal ni S-Silas?"
My body became numb as a I heard his name. I feel like I lost my whole blood from my body. Ni hindi ako nakagalaw sa aking kinatatayuan matapos marinig ang sinabi ni Allen sa kabilang linya. Paulit-ulit kong naririnig sa aking isip ang sinabi ni Allen. Ngayon ang kasal ni Silas. Ngayon ang kasal ni Silas.
Parang tumigil na lamang sa pagtibok ang aking puso habang pinoproseso ang mga narinig ko. My hands were trembling that made my phone fell on the ground. My legs were shaking while I am trying to sit in the wooden chair. Nakakapanghina. Nanghihina ang katawan at kalamnan ko.
With the weak and trembling body I stand up from the ground. I need to see him even this will be the last time. Kahit masulyapan ko lang siya bago ako tuluyang mawala sa mundong ito.
"Where are you going Eris?" I heard my Dad calling me from the back but I continue running.
Humahangos akong lumalabas sa aming bahay. Wala na akong pakialam kahit may mabangga basta ang nasa isip ko lang ay makarating sa simbahan. I shrek in pain when my chest hurts. Bumagal ang pagtakbo ko habang iniinda iyon pero hindi pa rin ako tumigil. I just stop when I found a jeep. Pumara ako at agad na sumakay doon habang hinahabol ko ang aking hininga.
Tears escaped from eyes. It flows like a river endlessly. Even the passengers were looking at me but still I kept sobbing inside the jeep. Good thing that they didn't bother to approach me. Bumaba naman ako nang huminto ang jeep malapit sa capitol. Mabilis ang pagtawid ko sa kalsada. Halos takbuhin ko na iyon kung wala lang mga sasakyan na nakaharang.
I suddenly run after passing the road. I was sobbing so hard while running in front of the cpc building. I could feel the people's stares to me because of my states but I don't care of what they think of me. I just want to see him so bad. Napatigil ako nang marinig ang tunog ng kampana. I could hear the voice of the father inside.
Marahan ang mga hakbang ko papalapit sa pintuan ng simbahan. My breath hitched as soon as I reached the door. Napahawak ako sa pinto sa sobrang panghihina ng katawan. Halos magwala ang puso ko nang masilayan ko na ang maamo niyang mukha. There he is. The love of my life. Wearing a black suit while waiting for his bride walking in the aisle.
My chest tightening while looking at them. Parang gumuho ang mundo ko. I smiled bitterly, why did I even go here in the first place? To hurt myself? He was looking intently at his bride.
"That should be me..." I uttered, sobbing.
Just a one glance please before I leave... I prayed that he would look at my direction. I waited... But he didn't. Ilang minuto kong hinintay na tumingin siya sa gawi ko pero sampong minuto na yata akong nakatayo roon hindi man lang niya maialis ang tingin sa kan'yang bride.
Sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko habang pinagmamasdan silang dalawa. Na tila pinipiga ang puso ko. Ang sakit-sakit... Tears rushing down to my cheeks as I turned away.
I was sobbing really... really hard while walking leaving the church. Even my legs can't function well because it was trembling so bad. He was looking intently at Celeste like he doesn't want her to disappear from his sight. I covered my mouth trying to stop my endless sobs.
I closed my eyes tightly when my head stung of terrible pain. I stop walking because of that. I almost fell from where I was standing because of the unbearable pain I am experiencing. Na tila bay may kung anong matigas na bagay na pumukpok sa ulo ko.
Even I'm struggling I tried to walk again but before I could make another step, all of a sudden the surroundings went dark.
"Eris!" I heard a familiar husky voice called me. before I lost my consciousness.