Regulus Black
Friday, 1st September 1972.
12th Grimmauld Place
It was, again, hard to decipher how exactly he felt. Regulus and Sirius separated after Christmas break on great terms. Or at least from Sirius' perspective, it was great terms. When it came to Regulus... well... he didn't quite know how to feel.
After that awful Christmas night, all anger he had from Sirius' departure to attend a birthday party, somehow vanished. Regulus just saw that whole thing as something quite silly compared to what had happened. The two of them spent the rest of the Christmas break enjoying each other's company as much as possible. And as much as Orion and Walburga would allow it since Sirius was a bad influence on Regulus.
Regulus could not forget the image of his brother sprawled on the floor in his father's office. It haunted him. The sound of Sirius' lump body falling to the floor echoed in his head at night. He also could not forget the promise he made to himself that awful night. So far, Regulus kept it, he listened and obeyed everything Walburga and Orion asked of him. Even more shockingly, he found all of their requests quite understandable.
It was proved to him that his parents really did do everything for their children on one of the gala nights. The punishments for slouched posture now made complete sense to Regulus. Last gala night was held at 12th Grimmauld Place so Regulus was able to attend it. He immediately noticed how much more respect people showed him as he held his head high with pin straight back. In all honesty, he loved it. Loved the respect, the attention and not being looked at as just someone's brother.
So what if Walburga snapped from time to time and yelled at him. It was for his own good. He realized just how much trouble Sirius was causing for no reason. It was quite easy to listen to their parents and obey certain instructions which were beneficial to them.
Then Sirius came back from school at the beginning of July. Their relationship continued normally with the exception of late-night visits from Sirius because Regulus insisted on not breaking any rules. Thankfully, Sirius respected his wishes, but he still did not respect other rules.
He managed to not get in trouble for his misbehavior at school since he came top of the year, but that didn't mean everything was great for the rest of the break.
Walburga caught him more than once in the library after hours. Regulus figured his visits were replaced with books and parchment. It did sting a little, but at the end of the day, he asked Sirius to not visit him anymore.
Most of the time, when it seemed like Sirius was too tired to argue, their mom would just yell at him and sent him straight to bed. Granted, he did not have breakfast next day, but it was deserved in Regulus' eyes.
He did break the rules, he would tell himself every time he saw Sirius emerge from his room to have lunch, hungry and exhausted. He tried to justify his lack of help towards his brother and the only way he could do that was by blaming Sirius.
Other times, when Sirius wasn't tired, he would talk back to their mother which always resulted in a shouting contest and, at the end, him on the floor after she had casted the afflictio curse. Again, Regulus did feel awful for his brother's pain, but he kept telling himself Sirius deserved it. Why couldn't he just obey the rules? Regulus wasn't punished for almost a whole year and he knew it wasn't that hard to just listen.
Then the Black family went to the Lestrange's wedding.
That's when Regulus figured something out. People did still look at him with respect, but, this time, he was just a brother. They would address him like that instead of his name, which bothered him quite a bit.
On the other hand, people addressed Sirius like royalty even when he slouched. It made Regulus feel angry, he wanted the respect and worked hard for it while Sirius didn't even bother and just got it. He didn't know just yet what was the feeling he was experiencing, but in time, he will understand that it was jealousy. Jealousy of recognition, respect and power that came with being the Black family heir. Recognition, respect and power he didn't have because he was the younger brother.
Even worse, on that day his dad made arrangements for Sirius to go visit the Pettigrews, again, and by extension leave Regulus alone, again. What bothered him even more was the excitement Sirius didn't even try to conceal. Granted, Regulus did tell him everything was great when he wasn't home, which was true, but it still bothered him. The stupid Pettigrew boy even tried inviting him to join them, but his mother had taught him to never except anyone's pity. The Blacks weren't made to be pitied, they were made to be looked up to and admired.
Sirius, of course, did leave, only this time Regulus blamed his father and not his brother. Sirius was to blame for his excitement, but the whole visit to the Pettigrews was Orion's idea after all.
He even slipped up one night after Sirius left while the Blacks were having dinner. Regulus admitted that he missed Sirius which resulted in disappointing looks from his father and mother. In a stern voice, Orion explained to Regulus how the Blacks can't be weak and not able to be on their own. Weak, echoed in Regulus' mind, I am not weak, he repeated that night to himself, I'll show them how strong I am. I will not be a disappointment.
Even later down the line, Regulus will not be able to understand why he wanted to prove himself so much to the two of them. Maybe he just wanted power and respect. Maybe he wanted love from his parents and was ready to sacrifice the love his brother gave him to acquire it.
But, in the end, the love from the one who mattered the most to him will not be given again once it was lost. And funnily enough, the love he so greatly desired from his parents will be nothing compared to the one his brother once provided him with.
Then Sirius came back from the Pettigrews.
There were only four days left before the start of Regulus' first year at Hogwarts, so he decided to dedicate his time to going through his new books. Sirius did try to talk to him, but Regulus insisted on the importance of his preparation for school. They did manage to play a couple rounds of Wizarding Chess, but that was basically it.
Sirius, too, spent most of his time in the library, so at least, they were together while studying. In silence, but together. Regulus did find it odd how much interest Sirius had for dark creatures and ancient maps all of a sudden, but he didn't question it. There was this desire to spend more time with his brother, properly not just reading together, but whenever he wanted to come and sit beside Sirius and talk, Orion's words would echo in his head.
The voice of his father would constantly repeat how weak he was for depending on Sirius or how it would be a great disappointment for the Black family if Regulus didn't come top of the year in his first year just like Sirius had. So, Regulus stayed seated a few meters away from Sirius, at his own desk with first year's books.
Sooner than later, the 1st of September arrived and the Black family apparated to King's Cross Station just like last year, an hour before the train's departure.
All the by passers were giving them respectful and fearful looks which made Regulus feel important as he straightened his back even more. He tried to look as serious as possible, unlike his brother who looked even more disheveled than last year. Sirius tried to slouch as much as Walburga would tolerate it and, compared to last year, his shirt was quite more wrinkled. Regulus didn't even need to look at his brother's shoes to know how messily the laces were tied.
"Good morning, cousins."
Regulus already knew who it was. Narcissa and her friend Lucius were standing next to them with bright smiles.
"Hello Narcissa. I assume Cygnus isn't here?", Walburga questioned with a cold voice, but Narcissa, like always, ignored her tone, "He isn't, aunt Walburga. I am with Lucius' family again."
Narcissa locked her hands with Lucius' as they started the conversation about their future with Orion and Walburga. This was the first time Regulus and Sirius heard about Narcissa's plans on getting married once she finishes Hogwarts.
The conversation kept Regulus busy and, before he knew it, the train announced its departure in five minutes. Regulus bid his parents goodbye and, to his surprise, his mom pulled him into a hug. It made him feel accomplished in a way, like he got some great reward for being perfect for the whole year. The same couldn't be said for Sirius as he waited irritably for the hug to be over. Before the two separated, she whispered to him, "Don't disappoint us like your brother."
Regulus just nodded.
He, Sirius, Narcissa and Lucius got on the train near the end of it and immediately were stopped by Lucius' friends who Regulus recognized as Antonin Dolohov II, Victor Crabbe and Haiden Goyle. They all attended the gala nights with their families.
It seemed like Sirius saw this as a chance to escape the older students since he grabbed Regulus by the wrist and dragged him away from them.
"What are you doing?", Regulus asked once he managed to rip his hand away from Sirius' grasp, "Mom said to stick with Narcissa and Lucius, didn't you hear her?", they were already half way to the front of the train.
"I know, Reg, but I really want you to meet my friends. Come on!", he grabbed Regulus' wrist again and dragged him further towards the start of the train. Before Regulus could protest to this idea, Sirius stopped abruptly in front of one of the compartments which resulted in Regulus smashing his head on Sirius' back.
He didn't even have the time to complain before Sirius slid open the compartment door and dragged him inside. Regulus' ears were brutally attacked by yells of greetings and overexcited hugs while he was being pushed out of the way. He watched as the three boys greeted his brother, recognizing the Pettigrew boy from the wedding and a halfblood from Sirius' framed picture.
Before he could turn around and leave quietly, the stupid Pettigrew boy just had to notice him, "Hey, Regulus! Nice to see you again!", he exclaimed loudly and shook Regulus' hand. The Blacks must always be polite, even when they don't want to, Walburga's words echoed in his head as he tried to seem like he wasn't irritated with all the noise, "Nice to see you as well."
"Guys!", Sirius yelled overexcitedly, "This is my little brother Regulus.", he placed his hand on Regulus' shoulder which, somehow, helped Regulus to not feel like he didn't belong here.
"Hi, Regulus!", the boy with glasses and hair similar to a bird's nest extended his hand to him, "I'm James Potter, nice to meet you. Sirius told us a lot about you!"
This sentence made some type of heat rise in his chest. He always loved when Sirius talked about him because Sirius always made him feel important, "Hi", he shook the boy's hand.
Then, the third boy approached him, "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Remus Lupin.", he did have quite a gentle smile, but Regulus still had some type of animosity towards him because he knew that the boy was a halfblood. Nonetheless, he shook his hand and returned the polite greeting.
Once the excitement was over and everyone sat down, Regulus was the only one left standing. His mom specifically told him to not associate with halfbloods or, even worse, mudbloods. She even mentioned to stay away from Potters. Regulus didn't know the reasoning behind that rule yet, the Potters were after all purebloods, but, nonetheless, he planned on following the instructions she gave him.
"Come on, Reg, sit down.", Sirius said to him while gesturing with his hand towards the empty seats in the compartment. Regulus gave him a questioning look before opening the compartment door, "Sirius, may I speak with you for a second.", he nodded to the train hallway.
There was confusion on his brother's face, but he did get up and follow Regulus.
"What is it?", Sirius asked as soon as the compartment door closed. Regulus clenched his jaw unintentionally, trying to come up with words to explain to Sirius why he couldn't sit with him. Sirius gave him a thoughtful look, "You can tell me."
"I can't sit in there.", Regulus thought that maybe going straight to the point would be best, but Sirius' face expression told him otherwise, "Why?", his brother questioned while frowning slightly.
Regulus sighed, "You know why.", he gave Sirius a meaningful look, but the curly haired boy seemed to not get it, "But nobody will know.", he tried to argue, but Regulus knew better, "You know they will."
He didn't want to be fully honest and say that he himself didn't want anyone to see him with halfbloods. Regulus knew how the gossip spread and there was this need for good reputation among purebloods he wanted to upkeep.
Before Sirius could continue their disagreement, Regulus turned away from him and walked towards the end of the train. Later down the line, he wondered how different his future would have been if he stayed in that compartment and just not said anything. This particular scene haunted him for many years because it was some kind of proof. Proof that Regulus was the one who walked away first.
He found Narcissa and Lucius in a compartment filled with older Slytherins, but there was one younger boy seated next to his cousin. He had ash blonde hair and dark blue eyes.
"Oh, Reg, there you are! Come in, come in.", Narcissa encouraged him to join them, so he sat opposite of her and the boy. He was looking at Regulus with relief, like he was glad that finally someone his own age joined them.
"Reg, this is Evan. Evan Rosier.", Narcissa told him as the boy was looking curiously at him, "He is my mom's nephew."
The two of them shook hands, "Nice to meet you, Regulus.", the boy exclaimed with a smile which Regulus immediately mirrored.
* * *
With company, the train ride seemed to be quite short. They already arrived at Hogwarts, so Regulus was able to see the grand castle he heard so much about for the first time. It really did look magnificent.
During the ride, he really got to know Evan more. He seemed like a proper pureblood, just like Regulus, and he was really funny. He reminded Regulus quite a lot of Sirius, although without such recklessness, which was maybe the reason why he decided to stick with his new friend.
The two of them got into boats with other first years while everybody else continued towards horseless carriages. They were accompanied by two more students, but Regulus and Evan didn't really give them much attention, too focused on the castle.
"I can't wait to see the Slytherin common room!", Evan said in a slight whisper, "Dad told me it was under the Black Lake."
Regulus, too, knew of this information, "Yes, it is. My dad also told me that we can see underneath the lake through our windows."
It felt great to have someone like Evan around to share his excitement with. Regulus didn't dare to discuss these things with Sirius seeing as Sirius got sorted into Gryffindor so Regulus didn't want to rub it in his face.
Before they knew it, the two boys were getting out of the boats and climbing the stone stairs. There was so many of them that Regulus didn't understand why there wasn't some magical way to just apparate to the top. Then he remembered reading Hogwarts: A History, it did mention that apparition wasn't possible at Hogwarts so the thoughts of magical transportation to the top left his mind.
He and Evan talked all the way up to the castle about classes, schedules and books, but then all happiness drained from Regulus as Evan asked him another question, "Are you sure that you'll be in Slytherin?", there was the same curiosity Sirius always had in his tone.
"Of course I will.", Regulus tried to sound as confident as possible, "Why wouldn't I?", he questioned Evan back while subconsciously straightening his back and clenching his jaw.
Evan just shrugged, "I don't know. Your brother did get sorted into Gryffindor.", he must have seen the uncomfortableness Regulus radiated with, so he quickly added, "But you'll for sure end up in Slytherin. I mean the Sorting Hat must have made a mistake when sorting your brother. I heard that it is quite stubborn when it comes to changing its mind."
This did calm Regulus down a bit, but deep inside, he knew that there was no mistake, Sirius was one hundred present a Gryffindor. The question now was Was Regulus one hundred present a Slytherin?
All first years came to a halt in front of big, wooden door and a serious looking witch. She explained to them the whole concept of sorting and with that, the door opened.
Sirius told him all about the Great Hall and how beautiful it was, but it was a whole other experience to actually see it. Needless to say, Regulus was speechless. Even Evan who couldn't stop talking this whole time looked like he didn't know what to say.
Regulus saw Sirius and his friends near the end of the Gryffindor table, cheering him on. Sirius gave him a big, bright smile before gesturing towards the front of the hall. Once Regulus followed his brother's gaze, he was met with the Sorting Hat on a small chair. This is it, he thought to himself, I will not be a disappointment.
"When I call your name, you will put on the Sorting Hat and sit on the stool to be sorted.", the witch from earlier exclaimed from next to the small chair, "Black Regulus!"
Shit. He was first. Regulus took a deep breath which he hoped nobody saw, A Black can't show his weaknesses. With pin straight back and expressionless face, he sat on the stool and the witch placed the Sorting Hat on his head.
A Black... hm...
Let's see if you are anything like your brother...
Regulus squeezed his eyes shut even more, No I am not, he thought to himself. It was like the hat heard him somehow.
No... I can see that...
No honor... no chivalry... no short temper...
But there is loyalty...
No, he thought miserably, I can't be a Gryffindor.
Don't panic young Regulus... you can never be a Gryffindor...
At least not now...
But with ambition and pride you possess...
You can be...
"SLYTHERIN"
It was like a heavy stone was lifted from his shoulders as Regulus tried to keep his face expressionless. The loudest cheers were coming from the Slytherin table as expected, but, once Regulus looked back at the Gryffindor table, he saw Sirius and his friends cheering too.
Sirius did have sadness and disappointment written all over his face, but Regulus was still glad that he cheered for him. Once sat, a boy with greasy hair and hooked nose extended his hand towards him, "Hi. Severus Snape. Nice to meet you."
Regulus kept his politeness while addressing the boy, but as soon as he heard that name, Regulus knew how awful he was from Sirius' stories. Narcissa came to congratulate him as well. She sat down next to him on the bench and talked in hushed voice how Walburga and Orion will be so proud of him.
"Rosier Evan."
The serious witch called, grabbing the attention of Regulus and Narcissa while Severus kept talking to them. Regulus did try to shush him, but the boy just kept on talking.
"Can you be quiet for a second?", Narcissa said sharply and the boy closed his mouth immediately. It was quite interesting to see how someone just didn't know to read social cues.
Evan sat on the stool, face expressionless and back straight, same as Regulus. Couple of seconds later, the Sorting Hat called, "Slytherin!"
Everybody cheered as Evan joined the Slytherin table. He was congratulated by Narcissa and soon after the feast began.
Later that night, in his new dorm which he shared with Evan, Regulus kept thinking about how proud his mom and dad will be. How honored he felt for getting the chance to make them proud.
But, deep down, he did feel emptiness starting to form. Emptiness which will just keep on growing with every step he took that separated him from his brother. It wasn't even a full feeling he could describe, it was just emptiness.
Unfortunately, instead of trying to heal the wounds he and Sirius kept on creating, Regulus decided to just chase his high. To keep being as perfect as possible in hopes that maybe another hug from his mom or a proud look from his dad will just make the emptiness disappear.
And it did... but only temporarily.
In the long run, Regulus made a great mistake in trying to deal with his sadness in this way because his mom and dad weren't ordinary parents. His mom and dad were Orion and Walburga Black, two people who were never satisfied and always wanted more.
Regulus will realize this, but it will be too late. It was somehow always too late for Regulus. Like he was constantly just one step behind. One second too late. The high that he seeked grew alongside him. The high that he so desperately wanted because it concealed all the bad things he felt within him. The high which will be the reason why Regulus Acturus Black took the wrong path.