It was almost midnight, Ricky had been dialling Zhang Hao's number nonstop, but every time, the phone would ring and then go off. His cousin was not picking up. He knew Hao wasn't an early sleeper, so he must be busy doing something, so after a few good minutes, he gave up. He was driving through the night, feeling so shitty and angry. He didn't wanna go back home, in fact, he needed to talk to someone, ask them whether he did the right thing. But the best advice giver was doing God knows what, so he finally called the other person whom he felt comfortable talking to.
Kim Taerae.
Luckily, Taerae picked up after a few rings.
"Eo, Ricky, why are you calling so late? You okay?"
"Hyung, I'll be at your place in a few hours, okay? I know it's late, but I'll explain once we meet." Ricky said.
"Huh- What happened?" Taerae sounded absolutely out of his mind, "Where are you? Ricky, are you alright?"
"I'm doing fine. I was gone from the town for a bit." Ricky calmly answered, "Just wait, I promise, I'll tell you everything."
"O-okay, okay. Be safe." Taerae said and then cut the call. Ricky locked his phone later. Leaving a sigh of frustration, he drove all the way back to the town. It took him a long time, and he thought a lot about what happened. No, he wasn't in the wrong. Gyuvin should at least apologize before saying anything.
By the time Ricky rang the bell to Taerae's place, it was almost 3 in the morning. Taerae looked devastated, he was trying so hard to stay up, by drinking and watching TV.
"Oh my God! Hyung, did you stay up for me?" Ricky asked, "I'm so sorry, I- you could have gone to sleep, I'd have woken you up-"
"It's okay." Taerae said, "I probably wouldn't be able to, I was worried about you."
"There's really nothing..." Ricky sighed, "I'm really sorry, hyung. For bothering you so much."
Taerae tsked, "Come in. You had a long drive, right? Come take some rest." He brought the younger in, who kinda threw his body on the couch from the exhaustion. Looking at the ceiling, he sighed again, thinking about the incident from before.
"What happened? May I ask now?" Taerae asked. His cheeks were flushed, he was probably a bit tipsy. But his eyes were full of concern. Ricky sat up, shuffling and coughing to clear his throat, his mind, to collect his thoughts.
"So... I might have ruined our very first night out." Ricky started his narrative. It was as vivid as it can get. Although he skipped a few unimportant incidents, the whole picture was almost unbiased, as if Ricky was just stating the whole thing, without taking sides. He noticed how carefully Taerae was listening, cause he was frowning at the right places, getting angry where he should be. In the end, he looked quite offended.
"He said this to you?" He asked, "Gyuvin left you there and just- walked away without saying anything?"
"Hm." Ricky said, "I messed up, hyung-"
"No, you didn't!" Taerae said, "He did. How come he hadn't contacted you yet-"
"Um... He did." Ricky showed his phone, now switched off, "He started calling about an hour later. But I was driving and... It was getting annoying so I turned it off."
Taerae blinked, "You... You don't wanna solve it?"
"I don't know..." Ricky fell on his back again, "I.. I know he deserves to know, but I just.. can't bring myself to tell him."
"Tell him what?" Taerae asked, handing the younger a can of beer.
"The secret that I kept, the reason I'm so scared to go all the way."
"You're not backing off cause you're scared to like.. bottom?"
"Kinda, but I would've gotten over it by now. That's what he expects, I think. But there's more to it, and I'm just... It's embarrassing and humiliating and I- I'm so afraid that once he knows, he'll be... He'll laugh and me and then break up even? I don't know."
"Hey hey, chill. Why would Gyuvin break up with you? He literally- I mean, he courted you for so long!"
"I don't know, hyung." Ricky sounded really upset, "I didn't expect him to say all these tonight. I don't know him like I thought I knew."
Taerae nodded, but then, pit his palm on Ricky's slender fingers, "Okay... Let's think it this way- maybe he lost control and said some shitty stuff. But you said he called, right? So he must have realized that he did something wrong, so he wanted to say sorry to you?"
"I guess..."
"And then you turned your phone off. Then straight up came here. You don't know, maybe he's actually feeling guilty?"
"Should I call?"
"That's up to you." Taerae said, "But don't call him just to worsen the fight. Think about it first. Do you want to stay with him for a long time?"
"Of course, I love him."
"Good, then do you trust him?"
Ricky fell quiet. He was sure he used to do, but maybe he didn't anymore, or at least for the time being. Cause if he did, he'd probably been honest with the man all along.
"Okay..." Taerae said, "Then, do you wanna give him a chance at least? To explain and all."
"Hm."
"Then, Ricky?" Taerae squeezed his hand, "Listen to hyung, tell Gyuvin what you've been hiding from him. He may understand, may not. But you can try and make him do it, cause if that's not the case, I'm afraid you're in love with the wrong guy."
Ricky looked so scared, that Taerae immediately added, "But he's Gyuvin, right? The sweet guy you fell for. You really think he'll laugh at your problem? Nah. You'll be fine."
Honestly, Taerae himself didn't know whether his words were true, or how much truth it held. But he had to, for the time being, be supportive. Ricky had always been a softie. Being his friend, Taerae wouldn't be able to stand seeing him sad.
"Alright." Ricky sighed, "I'll try. But I... I didn't overreact, right?"
"You could have stayed and talked, I guess. But it's okay. Hyung's always here to listen to you."
Ricky smiled. He felt a lot better. "Thank you hyung."
Taerae only smiled, raising his can. Ricky did a cheers and drank from another one. The dawn fell quiet suddenly. They were sleepy, but after a certain period, the drowsiness just vanishes. They were in that state. So to kill the silence, Ricky asked, "Hyung, lately, have you been worrying about something?"
"Hm?" Taerae gulped down a mouthful of liquid, "Like?"
"Back when he did that group hang out, Gunwook sat next to you. He asked me about you, said you were bothered about something.
"Oh..." Taerae remembered all the pain from that day, from the sight of 'Hanbin'.
"If it's not too personal, can I ask?"
Taerae took another sip, pondering the question. He had not shared his side of the story with anyone. But Ricky's his friend, and if he does, for once, it would probably help him. Besides, the younger looked genuinely worried.
"Well... In that case, I'll tell you a story."
Ricky sat up, getting ready to hear about it. Taerae started with the timeline of summertime back when he was a high schooler. He talked about an unnamed man all throughout.
"You know I love music, so when I got into the music club, I was still a fresher. A complete newbie. I barely knew anyone there. But the club was so welcoming, I loved my time there." Taerae smiled once he remembered his golden days back then.
"One day, I heard we'll be working with another club. It was the first collab between our club and the school's popular dance club. Many seniors from dance club were school famous. I knew a few names too so I was excited to work with them."
"Yeah." Ricky added, indicating that he was listening.
"One of the most popular guys from that club befriended me. I mean, he was friendly. And he was so handsome! Plus, he danced like a star."
Ricky waited to hear what he thought he'd hear.
"With time and talking, I developed a little crush on him."
Yep. There he said it.
"You were still a freshman?"
"Yeah." Taerae answered, "But nothing happened with us. Like, you know, those distant crushes that go away with time? I never told him." He said, "After our activities together ended, we met less and less and I kinda figured that we won't ever be close again. So I gave up hope."
"But then... You met again, right?" Asked Ricky. Taerae who had already finished a can of beer, opened another one, "Yeah. Next year. And we didn't meet for any club activity. We met at a bar."
"A bar??" Ricky frowned, "Weren't you like- underage?"
"Yeah, I mean. I didn't drink back then. But some of my friends were so thrilled to experience that so I... I wish I hadn't though. I met that handsome senior there."
"And?"
"And- did I say that I used to be chubby at first but then I started losing weight. And by the second year, I was fit and quite good looking too."
"Alright. So he saw you and you looked good- so did he approach you?"
"Yes." Taerae nodded in affirmation, "He came to me, smiled at me. I guess he was pretty drunk, cause his words were slurry and- I should have known, Ricky. I was- I was so dumb and I don't know why I agreed to go to his place."
"And you-"
"We did it." Taerae looked sad, like it was a painful memory for him. "I wasn't prepared and I wasn't of age, neither was he. But he probably had done it a lot, so he guided me. And I can't explain, Ricky." He sighed, "It actually felt really good."
"Okay..."
"So when he called me again a few days later, I went to his place just the same way." Said Taerae.
"So you did it with him a second time?"
With a nod, the elder answered, "For over a year, there were so many times. He was- you'd think he was manipulating me or asking me again and again. But he was a sweetheart in truth. He always made sure I was okay, and was having fun. And he was so kind. And for the later half of the year, I was the one initiating our meet ups."
"So he's.. then why are you brothered about it?" Ricky asked.
With a bitter smile, Taerae said, "What would you think, Ricky, if a man smiles at you across the hallway, meets you every time you call, shares his daily stories, gets you food and drinks and has the most loving sex routines with you?" He added, "17 year old me thought it was love. And remember I had a crush on him?"
"Hm."
"That turned to love. I fell in love with him."
"Oh... That- that's kinda bad."
"And then I told him, one day, thinking he'd accept me, or at least try to- I mean, I don't know why I was so confident. He may be my first time, my first love, but I wasn't. I know it now but I didn't know it back then." Taerae chugged down almost one fourth of the second can.
"So you got rejected." Ricky stated, cause that was the most obvious answer.
"Surely." Taerae chuckled, a bitter laugh left him, "But what's worse is how he abandoned me."
"Like?"
"Like maybe he thought pretending like I don't exist would make me forget him, he started ignoring me. Even when I tried to talk to him, to stay friends cause that's how love worked for me. I just wanted his company." With a sigh, he continued, "I begged him, going back to his place, he shut the door at my face. I don't know, how his brain worked, Ricky, would you be able to do this to someone you spent such long hours with for the past year?"
"No.. I probably would get attached."
"Exactly!" Taerae said, "But he wasn't. Cause soon, he found another guy in place of me and... I didn't say anything, but it hurt me so much! I cried and my last year with him was so full of heartbreak and bitter memories."
"I can't imagine, hyung. It must have felt horrifying."
Taerae finished the second can, "In the movies that day... He was there."
"What??" Ricky almost jumped in his seat, "You mean, you saw him in the hall?"
"Hm.. and I saw him in the audience when Hao hyung played the violin."
"So, he's studying here?" Ricky asked. Taerae answered by shaking his head left to right. "He ain't from our university. But, I guess I'll have to see him for a while."
"Why... Who is he?" Ricky asked, concerned. Taerae would probably never have said it. But the storytelling caused the resurfacing of suppressed pain, and the alcohol in his system and the fact that they were both lightheaded from the lack of sleep made him do something that would soon cause a massive upset.
"He's... The one doing the same thing as he did with me- to Hao hyung."
"To Hao hyung- HANBIN HYUNG??" Ricky almost shouted, "Sung Hanbin??"
Taerae nodded, feeling extremely bitter inside.
"What the fuck? How is it- how are you... Oh my! Hao hyung is like your best friend."
"Hm." Said the other male, "It's ironic."
"Does he know?"
"No." Taerae chuckled, "You think he'd be seeing that man like this had he known?"
"But- aren't you gonna tell him?" Ricky asked, "He's doing the same thing with your friend, what if he pulls the same card and breaks Hao hyung's heart too?"
"He won't. He told me he's serious about Hao hyung."
"Even so, it's-"
"It's okay, Ricky. I'm gonna be fine. I have endured that one year in highschool, right? I'll be over it soon."
"I can't even think about it... How terrible it is for you."
Taerae didn't respond. He just stared at the empty cans with a bitter smile on his face. How ironic, he thought he'd left the past in the past, but it appeared before his eyes in a stronger form, made him more helpless. As if he hadn't suffered enough.
Sometimes, Taerae wonders, what sin had he committed in his past life to ever come across Sung Hanbin, twice.
-
There you have it, the back story. I wonder how Hao would react once he knows-
Oh and Ricky has a secret too? Why is this so full of secrets?? (Blame your imaginative author)