He is a mess, but he is a masterpiece
I woke up with a headache. Fuck Mthonga once again. I slept without drinking my painkillers. I groaned as I attempted to roll out of bed but there he was, sleeping like a log. The sun was shining through the curtains, bringing in heat into the bedroom. Why does it look like its already midday? I stood up and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I need to get ready for work.
Ntsakisi come back to bed. He said in his morning voice. I ignored him and continued to take out clothes from my wardrobe.
Ntsakisi!? he sat up and looked at me.
Leave me alone Mthonga. Go back to your ancestors. I said still violently pulling out shirts from the wardrobe. Hes making me make a mess and I dont know whos going to clean it up.
Are you really competing with them? Dont do that to yourself, you wont win. Does he know how to soften up a person, no, he doesnt. he is failing dismally.
Come on Ntsakisi, you want me to beg now? What do you want me to say? He was now on his feet.
Tell me the whole truth. I said calming down.
I was called by my ancestors I cut him off using my hand.
The honest truth Mthonga. I dont know anything about you, and for as long as Ive known, you dont have a home, suddenly, you are going home. I know nothing about your ancestors, that is a factor I have had to figure out on my own, you never told me. Weve been together for 3 months, Ive been transparent with you from the beginning, but with you, you just so closed off. How do you claim to love me when you cant even trust me with your life story? He sighed and patted the spot next to the bed. I was hesitant.
Im going to tell you everything. I made my way to the unmade bed and straightened the sheet before sitting down.
I was born Lwazi Manqele. Thats what my grandmother named me. She raised us, along with my mom. I love those women with my whole heart, and thats where I call my home, thats where my ancestors are. I sat there and I listened.
Gogo died a few years ago, and thats when Zobuhle moved in with me, because mom cant take care of her and her needs like I can. She also had a hard time accepting my sexuality, and although I love her with all my heart, after those hurtful words she said to me all those years ago, our relationship will never be the same again. I wont even speak about my father. He left us when Zobuhle was born. He couldnt handle being seen with an white child. Apparently, it was a sign of my mothers infidelity. I always say that Zobuhle had it easy, all shes ever known is mom, granny and I. I had him in my life, up until I was a teenager, then Zobuhle was born, and he disappeared like a mosquito in the darkness. Thats a lot for one person.
I started getting sick in my matric year and it was my ancestors. My mothers grandmother left the gift to me, and I had to go for initiation. What happened last week, that was her, she was calling me back to the water. Im not a full-time healer, I asked her to be kind to me, and let me stay here in the city and work, live my life, but I dedicate some of my time to going back home, going to the water and doing the ancestors work. I understood every word he said.
So why did you change your name? What does it mean? I asked.
I left Lwazi behind. When I got to initiation school, no one knew me as Lwazi, I was known as Mthonga, or Manqele. That was my name, and I liked it. Letting go of Lwazi was my way of growing up and leaving the betrayal of my father behind. I should actually hate men. I chuckled, so did he. I turned and looked at me.
I dont like being shouted at, and not only because I just dont like it, but it triggers me, bringing back memories of my childhood, and I get angry. When I get angry, my ancestors call me back to the water. Thats what happened that night. I didnt want to leave Ntsakisi, but I couldnt help it, I really was angry at what you did, but going back home helped me because now I can sit here and listen to your side of the story without blowing a fuse.
Im sorry for swearing at you last night. He raised his hand.
I understand you were disappointed. Just dont do it again. I love how hes able to be so soft while hes disciplining me. Yes, he disciplines me.
Who is she? Is it someone I know? he asked. Looks like we were having this conversation now.
Its Jordi from work. he looked shocked, but he quickly composed himself.
It was that night when you stood me up. We were supposed to meet at Freeways, and you only sent me a message after I had ordered a full meal. When I ran into her, I asked her to join me. It was innocent, I just wanted to have dinner.
Why are you speaking as if you are explaining yourself to me? I was taken aback.
Im not, Im telling you the story.
I dont want to hear the story. I know that you enjoyed it and I know that you dont regret it. I looked down feeling ashamed of myself.
Dont do that to yourself, he lifted my chin Ive told you before, Ive been with more than one woman, I know exactly what it is like. To be honest, I was a bit afraid when you told me that you had never had a sexual experience because what if you would change your mind about this whole being with a man thing. My heart was beating loudly.
So why were you angry? I asked.
I felt cheated on, and yes, I know it all happened before we started dating, but Ntsakisi I love you and anything that threatens to take you away from me, it makes me angry.
I love you too Mthonga, and I promise you, my heart belongs to you. I meant that with my whole life, my body, and my soul.
Do I want to tell him about the abortion, no, I dont think Im ready to talk about that yet. Maybe in another time, when I have also healed from it. Im learning to deal with it.
Being with him is so much easier now that I know something concrete about his life. I skipped work today, so much for being the best CEO. Mthonga and I are going hiking, thats what he wants us to do, so I will gladly cooperate. Ive subjected him to my introverted ways and forced him to stay indoors for most of our dates, now he actually wants us to go out.
Mthonga lets go. I thought he was a man, why is he taking so long to finish. Ive been sitting in the kitchen waiting for him for over ten minutes now.
Im coming sthandwa sami. Wait. He better have a good excuse for what hes doing because if we get there and its closed, thats on him.
Okay, lets go. He grabbed my hand and we walked out the house, into his car. I know I have greatly emphasized more than once how much I love his car, and we had a great debate earlier about which car we should use. I obviously won because we are in the red Mazda.
My car, my music. He slapped my hand playfully when I attempted to touch the screen.
Babe thats not fair. Your music is boring. He listens to Sjava and Maskandi music.
You want me to listen to your whiney white people singing about being depressed and having problems. I am a Zulu man; I dont listen to that nonsense. I sulked.
Dont call my music nonsense because I also dont like yours, but I dont disrespect it by calling it nonsense. Its still art. He laughed and shook his head.
You like acting like a little baby.
its fine, if you want to play it like that, then you arent allowed to play your music in my cars. He rolled his eyes.
Fine, play your Taylor Swift. I laughed out loud.
I dont even listen to Taylor Swift. How do you know her?
I have a 16-year-old sister who is experiencing crushes and boys for the first time, Im subjected to hearing a lot of things.
You are comparing me to your 16-year-old sister, this is sad. He grabbed my hand and chuckled.
My 16-year-old sister doesnt keep me warm at night. I turned and looked at him with a smile on my face.
She really doesnt, does she. He was stroking my ego. I laid my head on his shoulder and tightened my grip on his hand.
It didnt take long for us to arrive at the range and after doing all the necessary proceedings, we started our hike. I was walking ahead of him. He was relatively slow, especially for someone who does this often and goes to the gym.
I think somebody is getting old. I said walking all the way back to him.
Who said I was rushing to get somewhere? he asked almost out of breath.
Do you have any underlying conditions I should know about? I asked sarcastically. His breathing was changing.
Fuck off. I laughed at him and held his hand, giving him a water bottle.
Drink this. He snatched it and started walking with me.
We walked for another 5 kilometers, exchanging banter. It was me mostly making fun of him. I cant believe he took me on a hike, but he is this unfit. I thought he was an athletic person. We finally reached the waterfall, and it was so beautiful.
Wait here. He took off his t-shirt. Oh no, he better not do what I think hes about to do.
Mthonga dont. I tried to grab his wrist, but he slipped away.
Its just water. Nothings going to happen.
I watched him climb on the rocks and slowly lower himself into the water. Its not because I am afraid of water or because I cant swim. Its the mere fact that there are rocks, and probably snakes in that water, what if he gets hurt. I watched him submerge under water, I got alarmed.
Mthonga. I dropped everything I was carrying and walked closer to where he was nowhere in sight.
Mthonga! I started panicking and I took off my shirt. I have no choice but to jump in and find him, what if he drowned or hit his head on a rock.
I dipped my feet in the water, and it was extremely cold.
Mthonga come on now, I dont want to jump into this water. He honestly wasnt responding. I got into the water and just when I was about to submerge, he rose, and he looked light. He looked radiant, like an angel.
You are such a scaredy cat. Were you coming to fetch me? he laughed, shaking the water of his face.
I thought you had drowned or hit your head on a rock. He climbed on the rock behind me and got out the water and helped me out too.
I told you, I am a child of the water. I had my initiation under water. This shit is scary.
Being under water for a few minutes wont kill me. He said so nonchalantly, like he wasnt scaring me.
Lets go. He took our things from the floor, and he started walking.
Dont walk too fast, you might just faint. I said following behind him.
Dont test me, I just came out the water. I laughed and caught up to him.
The journey back seemed to go way quicker than it was when we were going up to the waterfall, and in a quicky, we had already reached the car. He changed his t-shirt and shorts before climbing into the passenger seat.
You want me to drive? I asked moving from the backseat to the front.
Yes, Im tired. He said leaning back. As if we were on the same hike.
Today was fun though, thank you. I said turning my body to face him.
We are still going to go sky diving and bungee jumping.
Ive done both. Whats next. He sulked. I may not be adventurous, but Ive travelled a lot. I actually went sky-diving a few years ago with some of the people I went to school with. I dont know where they are now.
I dont want to do it anymore. He said leaning back in his chair.
Gosh Mthonga.
I wanted it to be our first time together. Hes such a big baby.
There are plenty of thins we can do together for the first time. Dont worry babe. I started the car, and we took off.