Even those that never fully blossom bring beauty into the world
One may believe my sexuality is the sin in this whole situation, one may defend that what happened between Jordi, and I is human nature and the right way to behave as a man in the society. I feel so guilty, and I do believe that it is the sin because I love him, and what I thought I was doing, the saving myself for someone I love has all gone down the drain in a matter of hours. The worst part about it is I dont regret it. I dont regret sleeping with a woman, making her scream out my name and see her fall apart under me. It was a learning curb for me, now I know I dont have the desire to ever do that ever again. It still doesnt ease my guilty conscious. What if Mthonga finds out?
It wasnt 06:30 yet but I had no sleep left in my body. I left the hotel late night, sneaking out, leaving Jordi passed out. She didnt even hear me kiss her cheek. Now the reality is indeed that I have to go to work today and face her, so running away while she sleeps kind of defeats the purpose. I roll out of bed and head to the bathroom to prepare my bath. I fix the bed and sit down look over my morning playlist. Im not in any mood today, I feel very confused about who I am at this point so my taste in music is also affected. I shuffle it up and one of my favourite songs by Sam Smith plays.
Holy Father we need to talk
I have a secret that I cant keep
Im not the boy that
You thought you wanted
Please dont get angry
Have faith in me
Say I shouldnt be here
But I cant give up his touch
It is HIM I love
It is HIM
Dont you try and tell me that God doesnt care for us
It is HIM I love
It is HIM
I love
I wanted to scream and throw a tantrum. I wanted to fall apart and maybe have someone hold me and tell me it would all be okay. Its true, all I want is him, nothing and no one else but him. It pains me and cuts me up inside to think that I have to go through hell first before I can be free to love him the way I want to. I have made a mistake, I fumbled, and I didnt stay true to who I am. Lord knows how much I love him.
Im not in my best mood today, I especially dont have time for meaningless conversations. Im late today, Im not here first like on a normal day. The office is already buzzing with people not wanting to do their work, busy chatting up a storm, holding congregations. I know they do this when I lock myself up in the office, but now no one knows I havent arrived. I use the main entrance and as expected, they are socializing.
I didnt know that the office was a playground to socialize on. I said walking past them. They all started mumbling amongst themselves and some started moving slowly back to their posts.
Get back to work! they scattered like ants.
I honestly need to change the people that work for me. They are all a bunch of lazy incompetent people. Kelly saw the frown on my face as soon I was walk past her desk and she was quick to stand up and follow me.
Good morning, sir. She said standing behind the visitors chair with her notepad. I took off my blazer and sat down.
Morning Kelly. Please bring me a coffee. She nodded.
Creamy or black?
Strong Black please. Im not having a good morning. She was writing something down.
Im sorry sir. She said so lowly.
What does my day look like? I asked setting up my desk.
Nothing hectic, but you and Mr Manqele need to go on site today. Well damn.
For what? I was there yesterday.
The contractor requested a meeting with the both of you. Sigh.
Okay, and what else? I asked.
Thats all sir. She closed her notepad.
Thank you, Kelly. She walked out.
I was sitting in my chair bored out of my mind, answering useless emails from people sucking up to me. Some people like it. I dont. I dont have an ego to feed and so praises and kissing ass annoy me. My door opens and I look up only to be met by Jordis face. I sit up straight, and my heart starts beating rapidly. Shes glowing.
Who let you in? I asked. She turned to close the door behind her.
I let myself in. I hope shes not attached now because I dont have the time to be dealing with that now.
Ms Moore we are at work; you cant just barge into my office without making an appointment or asking my PA. I tried to harden my voice.
Come on Junior. I shriveled up in my seat. She strutted towards me.
What happened last night was not supposed to happen. I was not supposed to cross boundaries with you like that, you are my colleague, and we should maintain a professional relationship at all times.
So you didnt enjoy last night? she sat on the edge of my table and her thighs were in view.
Please Ms Moore, let us respect the workplace.
She grabbed me using my tie and pulled me closer to her face. She got off the table and knelt on the floor.
Jordi stop. She was unbuckling my belt and I tried to remove her hands, but she pushed them and succeeded.
She started stroking me with her soft hands and I felt myself growing in her hands. She locked eyes with me before maneuvering her mouth to my tip. I grabbed her hair, twisted in around my hand and she moaned out. She started deep throating me and I couldnt help but groan. What is this girl doing to me?
Sir, Mroh shit.-Kelly. She gasped, covering her mouth, and turned on her heels when she saw what was happening and was quick to close the door. I moved back and removed Jordi from my body. Im in shit.
Why didnt you lock the door!? she stood up and wiped to corner of her lips and fixed her skirt.
I forgot. Im sorry. I clicked my tongue and stood up, fixing my pants.
Go to the bathroom. I instructed and she rushed there. I went to open the door and Kelly was standing there holding the coffee, the shocked expression didnt leave her face.
Learn to knock Kelly. She swallowed hard, handing me the coffee.
Yes sir. She went back to her desk.
I took it upon myself to go back to my office and Jordi was standing in the middle of the room staring at me with her big eyes.
Get out. I said.
Junior she protested.
Its Mr Mfusi here, please leave my office Ms Moore. She sighed before heading to the door.
After she left, I buzzed Kelly into my office, and she came in looking like she was holding her breath.
Sit down. She slowly lowered herself on the chair.
What did you see? I asked.
Nothing sir.
Who was in here? I asked again.
No one sir. Thats why shes my PA.
Good. It better stay like that. She nodded fast.
What were you saying? I leaned back in my chair.
Mr Manqele requested to meet with you before you go to the site. I was here to ask if its okay with you.
Tell him to come now.
Yes sir. She stood up and walked out.
I breathed out and stood up to open all the windows. How has my life become so complicated in such a short space of time? Just two weeks ago, I was living in my own bubble, fantasizing about a man I thought I would never have. How did I end up here?
Mfusi. I turned around and he was standing there with his arms crossed across his chest.
Ive been standing here for over two minutes, and you didnt even hear me come in. are you okay? he closed the door behind him and walked well into the office. I went to plop myself on my chair and looked at him.
Yeah, Im good. I was trying to keep a straight face.
I heard you came in and told everyone off today. Whats with the foul mood?
I didnt have a good morning. Can he just drop this topic now?
That doesnt mean you should take out your frustrations on people.
Im running a company here, not a Facebook group. They are not here to socialize; they are here to work and make money. Please Mthonga, just drop this please. He put his hands in the air in surrender.
Im sorry I canceled on you on the last minute, my sister wasnt feeling well. Now I feel bad. I tried calling you, but your phone was off the whole night. I dont even know where that phone is.
I think I left it at home in the charger.
Oh okay, I was thinking maybe we can go today then. Im not in the mood anymore.
I dont feel like going out.
Okay then we can do something at your place. We can order some takeout and I cut him off.
I dont want to Mthonga! he raised an eyebrow.
Listen to me Ntsakisi, Im not going to nurse your petty tantrums, dont take your rich boy tendencies and make everyone suffer because you are unhappy. The real world doesnt work like that. The sooner you understand that the better we will get along. Whatever it is that you got going on, fix it and come back to me when your mood has improved. He stood up.
Mthonga Im sorry. I rubbed my forehead in frustration.
People have real problems out here, not nice life problems that can be solved with a mere check. Thats low, even for him.
Dont invalidate my feelings Mthonga! Dont you dare do that. Just because I have money doesnt mean I dont have problems, or I dont hurt. Im human too. I didnt expect that from you. I was hurt by his statement, and he saw it, but instead of apologizing, he walked out of my office. Can this day just end already, Ive had enough.
We were forced to use the company vehicle to go on site and so I have to travel with Mthonga. There is so much tension between us, the atmosphere is thick, and it is weird in general. For as long as Ive known him, we never run out of things to say to each other, and this silence between us is deafening. We arrived on site and the contractor was already waiting for us. He wanted to discuss the idea Mthonga had about one of the rooms and show us how it clashed with the electric wiring or whatever. I didnt see why I had to be part of this meeting, but we had to stay with them almost the whole day while they tried to fix that problem.
The rest of the house was complete, all they needed to do was furnish and fix the outside. I was proud of our hard work; the house was absolutely stunning and I couldnt wait to show it off to the owners.
You did an amazing job with the interior. I said absentmindedly.
Thank you. Silence.
Look Im sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier. It was uncalled for and rude. Nothing I say will justify my actions. He said turning to my direction.
Its okay. I shouldnt have taken my frustrations out on people. I need to work on that. He nodded and opened his arms for a hug.
Youve grown on me Mfusi. I cant stop thinking about you. I was safe in his arms, but the guilt of last night just hit all over again.
I love you Mthonga. I let my mind run to my mouth. My heart was beating in my ears.
I love you too. I dont know what this means for us, but it feels right.