“Come here, Caise,” Rikert said soothingly.
It was Friday and we had just had sex for the second time in his bed. Now that we were together, I hoped that meant I would get to have more times like these. Times where Rikert would fuck me beautifully and tell me pleasant things. Tell me how good I was. Because he seemed to really care for me and it was like the missing piece in my life. Nobody had ever made me feel as important as he did. Most people just left me be and didn’t pay much attention.
It was like he understood me. He knew what to say. He knew what to do. Rikert knew what I needed from him. It was more than I could have ever imagined because I’d never had anyone be like him. I didn’t even connect with Eryn on the same level that I did with Rikert.
Rikert was laying next to me in bed, flat on his back. I was still panting, having only just finished mere moments before he had instructed me to move closer. I sucked in a deep breath and dragged myself over to Rikert, body spent and exhausted.
I curled my naked form around his side. He draped an arm around me and trailed his fingers lightly across my skin. I preened at his attentiveness, basking in how much he had focused on me today.
“How was that?” Rikert asked tiredly.
I smiled with my eyes closed, clutching at his body. “Perfect,” I said. Because that was exactly what it was.
“What do you say?” he prompted.
I licked my lip nervously. I wasn’t quite sure what he wanted. “Thank you,” I muttered, taking a guess as to what I was supposed to say. My cheeks flushed at my own words and I felt shy.
Satisfied with my response, Rikert tightened his arms around me in a lengthy hug. I relished in the fact that I’d said the right thing. After a while he warmly kissed me on my lips. Soon after he initiated a controlled, slow kissing session. I held on tightly to him as best as I could while he governed our actions and movements.
When Rikert was done with the kissing he made a sound of approval in the back of his throat. He sighed happily as he pulled away again. I cuddled close to his body. Everything felt so right to be with him like this. I could stay here forever.
“Talk to me,” Rikert said after a few brief moments of silence.
I furrowed a brow, eyes closed. “About what?”
“Tell me about your family,” he suggested.
“Uhm,” I said, trying to think. “You already know I have two dads.”
“Names?”
“Oliver and Connor. My brother Bradley and I call Oliver dad and Connor apa.”
Rikert rubbed my arm. “What’s apa?”
I shrugged. “Just Hungarian for dad. It’s something I started a long time ago.”
“What’s Bradley like?” he asked.
“A pain. He’s spoiled and doesn’t realize it,” I said.
“You love him?”
“Of course,” I said. “He just doesn’t understand how much I do for him. I’m always there to pick up the pieces when he gets in trouble or has girl problems. I purposely mess up sometimes just so my parents will focus on my bad qualities and not his. He just doesn’t see that. So he gets mad when I intervene during a fight. I’d rather get suspended than him--rather be the one getting hit and made fun of because of our family instead of letting him go through it.”
“You’re a really good person, baby,” Rikert said. He ran his hand through my hair lazily. “People don’t really appreciate it, but I do. I know others make fun of you because you talk weird and your clothes are strange.” I frowned. I didn’t know people thought about that so much. “I don’t mind it, though.”
“I thought you hated my accent,” I mumbled self-consciously.
“Not really. I was just trying to make it seem like I didn’t want you,” he said. “When in fact, all I wanted was you. I kind of like the way you can’t properly pronounce an r. It’s weird, but almost cute.”
“Oh,” I said quietly.
“Tell me about your friends from home,” he said pulling me back to attention.
I breathed in, feeling content. “I’ve only got one. His name is Eryn.”
“One friend and he’s a guy?” he asked. “Can’t say I’m surprised. It does take a little getting used to you. Girls probably never talk to you, huh?”
I bit my lip. Was that a compliment? I had no idea. “No, not really,” I murmured.
“I figured. You don’t seem like you’re very charming. It’s okay with me, though, because I don’t need someone like that.”
“You don’t?”
“Nope,” Rikert said. “I don’t care for that like girls do. I can handle you any time. ‘Cause I know that you’re actually a really good person. And you just want others to be happy, right?”
I started to smile. Rikert actually thought that about me? No one’s ever really said anything like that to me before. It was a pleasant change. His words were filling me with hope. Maybe if Rikert really liked me, I wouldn’t have to worry about other people. Rikert wouldn’t leave me if he liked me enough. Maybe I wouldn’t have to be so alone anymore.
“Right,” I said to him. “Like you. I really like when you smile at me and compliment me. I want to make you feel good, Rikert.”
He patted the top of my head and I blushed fiercely when the action made me realize what I’d just admitted. I didn’t know how I could just openly say such girly things. It was weird. Yet, part of me didn’t really care because it was all true. If Rikert was pleased with me, how could anything be wrong?
“So considerate,” he commended.
I swelled up with the satisfying words Rikert said to me. I was very delighted with myself for being able to earn his praise. Something deep inside told me that I needed it--that I craved it. If it was possible, I could sit around with him all day and do the things he asked and wanted just if I could hear him say that I was useful. Or that I did things right and that I was overall exactly what he wanted in a guy.
“You’re happy, aren’t you?” he asked.
That question was so strange and random. I opened my eyes and narrowed them at the air in front of me. I was confused. What was that supposed to mean? I didn’t really know what he was trying to get from that.
“I asked you a question, Caise,” Rikert said, the silence from me was clearly not appreciated by him.
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“It’s okay,” he reassured, opening his own eyes and looking down at me. “Go on.”
“I’m happy enough, I guess.”
“That’s not very convincing. What’s wrong? Do you miss New Zealand?” I nodded, feeling a bit down as we talked about it. Because it was very true. “Caise, you should use your words when I talk to you.”
I blinked at him, unsure. I couldn’t tell if I was making him angry or not. I didn’t want to be in trouble with him. That would just make things difficult and complicated.
“I am a little sad,” I said in a low voice. “Nobody here really cares that much about me. Except you, now. You’re so perfect.” Rikert smiled and I thought of his original question. “If you’re happy, though, then I can be happy.”
“You’re amazing,” Rikert said. “As long as you’re with me I don’t see why I wouldn’t be happy.”
I grinned. “That’s why I’m right here. I want to be enough for you."
Rikert kissed me on my forehead and I beamed at him. “I know you do, baby. And you’re perfect.”
********
The next week was alright for me. I spent most of the days after school with Kieran. We hung out at his house and did some homework. Phoebe kept bugging me, saying that I didn’t hang out with her enough. After she begged me countless times I finally let her tag along and go to Kieran’s with me a couple times. She just chattered on and on about nonsense until I wanted to kill her. Kieran told me to relax because he thought she was entertaining. I just thought he was exactly like her and that’s why they got along so well.
I would have much preferred being with Rikert more over the week, but he told me he needed to spend time with his friends. Despite the feelings of rejection I’d just nodded and let it go. But we’d only gotten together and had sex twice this week--Monday and Friday.
Monday was amazing for me because I hadn’t gotten to see Rikert all weekend long. He told me that we probably would never get to spend the weekends together because he gets really busy. It was super disappointing to hear, but I didn’t argue. I had to respect Rikert and his privacy. It wasn’t my place to tell Rikert what to do.
I didn’t know what it was about him that made me feel so content. Being with him brought a certain calm over me whenever I was in his presence. Or when he kissed me or held my hand. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I would have been weirded out about it if it wasn’t for how much I loved being close to him. It made me forget everything.
It was Saturday now and over the last week, I’ve been beginning to feel guilty. I knew I was lying to Eryn. And I was keeping everything to myself. It was stressing me out like mad. That’s why I was pressing the button to call my little brother on Skype. It rang for a couple more seconds before he answered.
“Hey, bro!” Bradley grinned as he popped on the screen.
“Hi,” I said, cracking a smile. “Being nice to Eryn?”
Bradley rolled his eyes at me. “Yeah, sure.”
“Don’t be like that,” I said. “I’m just asking ‘cause I’m worried about both of you.”
He sighed. “You don’t have to. We’re fine.”
“Have you talked to him lately?”
Bradley narrowed his eyes at me. “About what?”
“Just anything. You hang out with him sometimes, right?” I asked.
“Oh come on, Caise,” he argued.
“I’m being serious. You’re his only mate there. And with everything between us, it’s probably even harder for him.”
“I’m not even that close with him,” he said.
I sighed. “He’s my best mate, you’re my brother. Close enough.”
“Caise,” he said, “why do I get stuck having to babysit him just because you’re gone?”
I glared at him. “You should be grateful. He’s putting himself on the line for you, and you don’t even care. You saw his face, didn’t you? He did that for you! The least you could do is thank him and spend time with him.”
“I never asked for you two to protect me! It’s embarrassing. Those guys in year twelve and thirteen already think I’m pathetic, Eryn’s just making it worse.”
I scoffed. “Hardly. Just go to the movies with him or take him on a walk with the dogs. He needs someone to get him out of the house every once in a while.”
Bradley shook his head. “He’s grounded so it doesn’t matter.”
“I thought that was over last week.” Bradley pursed his lips. I ran a hand through my hair. “Shit. Now what happened?”
“Nothing. Don’t jump to conclusions.”
“You just told me he was grounded! Something happened, Bradley. Now tell me.”
“I was just going to walk home from school--”
“Why the hell were you walking home?” I asked, panicking already. “It takes like forty minutes!”
“Shut up. It was a nice day. Besides, Eryn insisted on going with. So I let him. But then those guys started following us and we all got into a huge argument and then a shop owner called the police. You know Eryn’s mum. She’s pissed and she grounded him again.”
I shook my head. “Always trouble. It’s like it never ends there.”
Bradley snorted in amusement. “That’s because it doesn’t. Anyway, can’t we talk about something else?”
I scratched the back of my neck. “Sure. So I’ve got some stuff to fill you in about.”
The previously annoyed look on Bradley’s face grew curious. “What about?”
“Well, you know, I’m gay,” I said casually. “I guess.”
“Seriously?” Bradley asked. “Because of Eryn?”
“I don’t know. I think he just sparked everything. Got me thinking. But now I’m sure.”
“You out there being gay in America, then?” he asked with a smirk.
I sneered at him. “Shut up.”
“That’s a yes?”
I grumbled at him. “If it will make you happy to hear it, then fine. I’ve been sort of...experimenting.”
Bradley started to laugh. “This is priceless. What’s his name?”
“First, it was Kieran.”
“First?”
I nodded. “But now I’m in a relationship.”
Bradley’s laughter died and his eyes widened. “Like you have a boyfriend?”
“Yeah.” A blissful expression came over my face. “He’s so amazing. I’m so happy with him.”
“How long have you been together?”
I bit my lip. “Two weeks.”
“You act like you’re already in love with the kid. That’s like no time at all.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s the only part I don’t get. I feel like I’ve known him for years. Like I belong with him. It’s weird, but I don’t care anymore.”
Bradley smiled. “Yeah, okay. If you’re happy with him, I guess I don’t see a problem.”
I looked at him. “I haven’t told Eryn yet.”
Bradley froze. “Why not?”
“He says he’s in love with me. And I don’t feel like that about him.”
“But you can’t just keep this from him.” I watched as my brother scratched his head awkwardly. “He deserves to know.”
“I just don’t want to hurt him.”
“It doesn’t matter, Cay. If he loves you, it’s going to hurt. And if you wait, it’s only going to hurt him more.”
“Basically, you’re saying there’s no way out of this?” I asked, hoping I would be wrong but knowing that wasn’t the case.
Bradley gave me a look. “You just gotta do it.”
“Now?” I asked.
“You probably should,” he suggested. I groaned and dropped my head in my hands. “Just go. And tell me how it went later or something.”
“Fine,” I grumbled. “But you better promise to start hanging out with him more. If he’s grounded, just go to his house. And don’t tell our parents!”
“Alright, deal. Good luck, bro!”
“Cheers,” I mumbled before ending our call.
I sat back and rested my head against the wall. I debated with myself for the better of five minutes. Why did Bradley have to be so right about this? I took a deep breath and checked to see if Eryn was signed into Skype and saw that he was. After another deep intake of breath I hit the button and waited for him to answer.
It took him until the last second to answer. When he did, he smiled warmly at me. “Caise!” he chirped. The last time we’d talked was Wednesday. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” I said, trying to keep it normal for a while. “I just got done talking to Bradley.”
Eryn’s face fell. “Shit. He told you about Friday?”
I nodded. “Yup. But it’s fine.”
“Speak for yourself. My mum and dad are so mad at me,” he said. “And they don’t even care that it wasn’t our fault.” He huffed angrily. “I basically can’t leave the house until the end of the term except for school.”
I winced sympathetically. “That’s rough.”
“Tell me about it.” Eryn studied me for a second. Then his mood changed. “So, what’s on your mind? You look a bit nervous.”
“Erm, yeah,” I said. I avoided looking at his eyes. “I’ve kinda lost my virginity.”
Eryn didn’t say anything. It was weirdly silent. I dared a quick glance at his face. He was just staring at me through the screen. “What do you mean, you’ve lost it? Like in the woods or something?”
I chuckled a little but then noticed that Eryn was being serious. I coughed slightly. “No, I mean I’m not a virgin anymore.”
“When did that happen?” Eryn asked slowly.
I fiddled my hands together. Once he heard this, he would not be so calm anymore. “The day after my birthday?”
Eryn froze, eyes unblinking as he stared. I could see the tiny hint of annoyance etch on his face. “You didn’t tell me,” he said. The hard edge was making its way into his voice.
“I’m sorry.”
“We talked a hundred times and you never told me. What the hell!”
“Eryn, please just relax,” I said.
“Who was it?” he asked, getting louder and sounding more sharp. “Was it that Kieran guy?”
“No, just stop being so loud, okay?” I asked.
“Tell me who it was, Caise!” he yelled.
I jumped at his volume. “My boyfriend,” I quipped. I was getting a little frustrated with his reaction.
Eryn’s jaw dropped and he looked at me, stunned. I gulped, realizing that I’d done this all wrong. “How could you?” he yelled finally.
“I told you that I didn’t want you like that,” I argued. “I told you.”
“That didn’t just change how I felt, you selfish prick!” Eryn glared at me. “It’s not fair!”
“Eryn.”
“It’s not! You leave me after giving me hope that we could be something--”
I shook my head. “I did not!”
“You kissed me that night, you kissed back. That was enough.” I winced at his wet eyes. “You did that to me and now you’re happy with someone else! It sucks, I hate this! I’ve got no one and the only person I want doesn’t even fucking care.”
I bit harshly at my lip. “Eryn, I care. Just not like that.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” he said angrily.
A tear slipped down his face followed by another and another. He shook his head, still glaring at me. Then he disconnected the call. It happened so fast that I didn’t even know what was happening. One second he was yelling at me and the next he was gone.
I swore at myself. I knew it was going to be bad but that was worse than I had expected. I rubbed at my hair. Eryn was beyond upset with me. I wanted to make him feel better but I couldn’t. It’s not like I could just run over to his house and apologize. Besides, it wasn’t something I should feel sorry for.
All I did was get a boyfriend. That didn’t make me a criminal. It just made me a normal teenager. And I didn’t think it was fair for Eryn to hate me for that. I understood that he was jealous and all, but it was still awful.
I closed my laptop, frustrated, and made a mental note to fill my brother in later. For now, I just wanted to take a nap. Kieran was gonna pick Phoebe and me up in a few hours to watch a movie at his house. So I laid down in my bed and clenched my eyes shut. There was nothing to do now but to let Eryn settle down and get over it. He’d forgive me eventually.