I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, a heavy sense of guilt and shame washing over me like a tidal wave. The morning light illuminated the room, glaring harshly at my disheveled state. A faint odor of regret lingered in the air, mixing with the musky scent of last night's desire still hanging in my bedroom.
As the realization of what I had done last night sank in, I couldn't help but feel a wave of nausea. The memory of all those unknown hands touching and groping me, stripping away my dignity, made me shudder. At that moment, I despised myself for allowing myself to be reduced to a mere object of desire.
Questions plagued my mind. How could I have thought this was what I wanted? Leaving behind my previous life, as broken as it had become, only to become a plaything for others' amusement. The weight of shame overwhelmed me, and tears began to well up as I fought to hold them back.
Forcing myself out of bed, I dragged my feet across the cold floor and began to get ready to meet Madeleine. The mirror on the wall taunted me, reflecting the disappointment and disgust in my eyes. I couldn't bear to meet my gaze, to confront the reality of what I had become. A prostitute, trading myself for a large sum of money promised in the contract. Is that all I was now?
Yet, amidst the self-loathing, there was an undeniable physical response as I began my shower. A flash of heat between my legs reminded me of the attention I had received. It was a confusing mix of emotions, the sickening knowledge of being degraded, but also a newfound awakening within me.
With a heavy heart, I stepped out of the shower and finished getting ready before making my way through the dimly lit hallways to Madeleine's office. Arriving at precisely 11 o'clock as instructed, I nervously knocked on her open door, unsure how to face her in my current state of mind.
"Abby, please come in," she greeted me, a warm smile playing on her lips as she rose from her desk. I stepped in silently, uncertain what to say, as Madeleine motioned for me to sit on the couch and settled herself into a chair across from it.
"How are you feeling this morning?" She asked, her eyes soft and kind as she looked at me. "Mentally and physically."
I took a deep breath before answering. I needed to find the right words to describe my feelings without being too vulnerable and risking possibly being sent home. "I'm still processing last night," I said quietly. "It was a mix of feeling powerful and exposed simultaneously. I've never been so aroused, but now I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Part of me is relieved it's over, while another wishes it lasted longer."
Madeleine nodded, her eyes understanding as she gave me another warm smile. "It's normal to feel conflicted. Something like last night can be a lot to take in all at once, and it can take some time to process everything, especially when it's your first time."
She reached for my hand, squeezing it gently before she continued. "Everyone is here to help you, and I understand it can be difficult to open up about such things. But you need to remember that what you do sexually here doesn't have to be who you are. It does not define you as a person, and taking the time to process these emotions and regain that balance is alright. It's always better to talk about your feelings than to bottle them up."
"Thank you," I said, expressing relief at her words. But inside, that familiar voice of doubt raged. These sexual acts of deviance were for other people, people who had low self-esteem or other issues, it told me. It had been one thing to enjoy submitting to Eden and sharing that connection with him, letting him take control. But it was something else entirely to be groped by everyone at the party. I had no interest in their money and power or ascending to their social circles. I didn't want anything from them.
"You are doubting if you belong here," Madeleine said, interrupting me from my thoughts.
I sighed, unable to deny it. "Yes," I admitted softly, feeling foolish in front of her.
She smiled at me again and stood up from her chair. "Would it make you feel better to know that no one in the audience touched you last night?"
I looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"
Nobody from the crowd came up onstage. It was only myself, Elizabeth, and two of our Doms here."
"No one else? But... I felt all those hands..."
Madeleine nodded, smiling. "All us."
My mind raced as I tried to process this new information. "But... Why?" I asked.
"So that you could have the experience and still be protected."
"I..."
"It's part of your training. We created an illusion, so if it had been too much for you... Well, it's better for it not to have really happened. No?"
I remained silent, but my eyes registered my understanding.
"Do you remember when we talked about limits? You must seriously think through what you are willing and not willing to do. I realize many situations on the list you initially filed out would have been new to you. But, in light of your experience last night and how you felt about it today, I want you to review it again and make any alterations that suit you. Next week, we will begin pushing you more. Do you understand?"
I nodded, still a little stunned at this revelation. While I certainly felt a tremendous sense of relief, a brief tingling between my thighs reminded me that deep down, a part of me had enjoyed the vulnerability of giving myself up to all those people.
Madeleine was silent for a moment, her eyes searching mine. "Do you know it was me who was in your shoes once?" She asked.
I shook my head.
"I had been introduced to the lifestyle by a partner, and while I was no stranger to sex, this was the first time I had met someone so... dominant. It was intimate and private, but it also awakened something inside me I had never known existed. A hunger that I needed to satisfy. When our relationship ended, I knew I had to explore further, but I was conflicted about engaging in such activities outside of a safe relationship. However, I had a realization that changed everything: being submissive wasn't just about my desires. It was also about embracing my sexuality with confidence to fulfill the desires of others."
She paused, walking over to look out the window, her perfectly manicured hands clasped gently behind her back. "I had to learn that it was alright for me to derive pleasure from these experiences, regardless of what someone else might think or how they had judged me. So, I started taking small steps, trusting myself, and learning to revel in the pleasure that others experienced. And over time, I found true freedom."
"You were a submissive?" I asked, amazed at the revelation.
"Yes," she said, smiling softly as she looked back at me. "So I can relate to what you're feeling inside, Abby. I really can. And if you want it, I can help you get to where you want to be."
She stopped again momentarily before adding, "There was something else that helped me, too."
I looked at her expectantly, curious about what else had made her the confident and powerful woman that stood there today. I had picked up on the fact that she had said "had judged me," indicating a specific thing, but it didn't seem appropriate to ask her about it.
Madeleine took a deep breath, turning to look directly at me, her eyes soft as she spoke. "I accepted that being submissive was a choice I was making, not one that someone else was forcing me into. If a Dom was pushing me beyond my comfort zone, it was because I wanted to be pushed there, and it was that detail that gave me power. Not over others, but rather a sense of freedom within myself."
She continued to look at me, waiting for me to speak. But I had nothing to say. My mind faltered as I processed everything she had just revealed to me. I had been so convinced I could not do this, yet here was Madelene, telling me how she, too, had struggled at the start and that, in the end, it was all about a choice. My choice.
"How, when... did you..."
"Become a Dominatrix?" she finished my sentence for me.
"Yes," I nodded.
She smiled warmly and looked out the window momentarily as if she were remembering her past. "My journey is a long story for another time. For now, I'm starving. Come, let's go eat!"
We drove to the restaurant in silence, save for some small talk. The car and driver that had picked me up to take me to her estate had been waiting out front, taking us to the same restaurant where I had met her before, sitting again at her reserved table when we arrived.
I had been contemplating what Madeleine had meant about letting myself take pleasure in someone else's. It wasn't easy to do, imagining being turned on at something that didn't excite me only because it pleased the other person. As we ate, I found my thoughts straying to the party, to the people I thought had touched me. I imagined being explored by them again, forgetting everything except enjoying the sensations. Letting myself revel in them as they delved into my body.
"Mistress..."
"No, just Madeleine when we are in public. There is no need for formality here. Here we are friends, yes? Just two women talking about the pleasures life can bring."
I smiled at her, appreciating the gesture.
"I'm curious. What did you mean when you mentioned taking small steps? What kinds of steps did you take?"
She nodded, comprehending the question. "I started by focusing on learning to separate love from sex and also to allow myself to experience pleasure without being preoccupied with how I looked or what my partner did or didn't do right. From there, I embarked on a journey of self-exploration, gradually discovering my desires and preferences without guilt or shame. As I gained more self-confidence, I pushed my boundaries while maintaining control over my limits and needs. It was about finding pleasure in both the physical sensations and the mental gratification of surrendering to them."
I listened intently as she spoke, wanting to know more, but Madeleine smiled and waved a hand dismissively, anticipating my questions. "Again, that's a story for another time," she said. "For now, let's get back to you. Do you still wish to continue with your training after last night?"
I swallowed as I nodded. The thought of continuing scared me, but I couldn't quit now.
"Excellent. Since you've completed the initial training, it's time to start the next phase."
Madeleine explained that I wouldn't have to be naked anymore at the parties. While I would still be required to mingle and be dressed appropriately, my wardrobe choices were my own. My training would continue behind the scenes, discovering more about what I liked and didn't like while getting ready for my first real scene in front of the members. During my training, she would evaluate my progress in areas such as pain tolerance, bondage, sexual submission, and etiquette.
"You don't always have to enjoy it," she said, "but you do have to comply. They will always stay within your hard limits, but beyond that, it's up to you to ensure the Doms want to work with you. Once you have passed the next phase of your training and have your "coming out" scene at a party, you will be free to begin to negotiate your scenes if I choose you to perform at a private party."
"When you say 'negotiate,' do you mean I can choose what kind of scene I want?"
She smiled. "Yes. If either you or they have a particular scene in mind, you can negotiate with each other. Anyone may say no and refuse a scene, and you can always negotiate with others if there isn't a common interest. You're not a slave. And you always have your safe word, even during your training. In fact, part of your training is to assess if there is enough chemistry with the other Doms to provide top-quality entertainment for our guests. Both performers have to be genuine during the scene for the audience."
With that, we finished our brunch, and Madeleine suggested shopping for my first outfit for the club. A hint of excitement bubbled inside me as we walked down the cobblestone street toward the boutique she had recommended, the prospect of shopping helping to wash away lingering feelings from this morning.
At least I wouldn't have to parade around naked anymore.