Africa...
It is an unknown number which I'm reluctant to answer.
I accept the call and slowly place it on my ear.
"Hello?" I breathe out skeptically.
The sharp breath from the other side of the call immediately notifies me of the caller's identity. I automatically smile. I'm glad that my effect on him hasn't wavered in any way.
"I thought you weren't going to answer it." I can hear the desperation in his voice. I know he needs me but I choose to fall apart.
"No, don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry." His desperation shoots through the sky but do I care?
Hell no! You're as selfish as they come.
I don't even care for my subconscious' judgement, all I care about is what I need.
"What is it?" I can hear the pain carried by his voice.
"It's everything. I want you, I want to see you." I sniff
"I want to see you too. I want to talk to you. I want to give you all of me."
"That is exactly what I need right now. All of you."
The call ends and I'm brought back to the reality that awaits me. This is what I like about Keletso. He is able to offer me an escape with so little efforts.
"You will do no such thing! I forbid it." My sister instructs me.
"You and what army?" I say casually and sit down with my father.
"Have you no respect or regard for our father?!"
I find her little charade quite unnecessary.
"Emotional blackmail? How original."
"Baba (dad) I did it. I got my degree. I did my articles with a respectable law firm. With all my broken pieces, I did it." I take his hand in mine. His red eyes bring tears to mine.
"How did I not see it?" He asks with his shaky voice.
"See what?"
"You my child..." He breaks down in tears.
"I am fine. Your grandchildren are on the way. You should be happy." I tell him
"How could I ever be happy when my child has never been happy?" He struggles to get the words out.
I loose my grip on the last thread that seemed to be holding all of me together. I did not realise how close to edge I was until my father highlighted the most true part of my life.
I've never been happy.
I've never felt true contentment. I've spent most of life, ever since my mother left, filling up a void with many things. Alcohol, people and now sex. Those things only make the circle bigger. They increase my longing for something I do not know.
The babies growing inside of me do not fulfill me either. Their growth only make the gaping hole wider. Each day, I'm being emptied out and my father sees that.
Everything is blurry and I can no longer breathe.
"My babies... Save my babies..." I'm hysterical whilst hyperventilating.
"Breathe..." My sister instructs me but I can't. I don't know how.
"Rica you're having a panic attack... Breathe baby sis."
Rica...
I haven't heard that nickname in a long time. My mother used to call me that. My sister did too but she stopped after my mother's departure.
The name brings back fond memories. Happy memories of the three of us when my dad was at work.
I finally manage to calm down.
"Mama..." I say whilst cupping my sister's cheek.
***
Keletso...
She answers my call when I'm on the verge of giving up. I draw in a sharp breath when I hear her voice.
Relief washes over me and I'm devoured by a wave of emotions. I'm in an unexplainable state of euphoria. This is dangerous but it is worth it.
I don't want to think about what will happen after the call so I just focus on her sweet voice.
"I thought you weren't going to answer it." I've reached rock bottom. It's quite pathetic how desperate I'm sounding right now.
She begins to cry and it tears me apart. I don't know why but I get the feeling that it has something to do with that idiot boyfriend of hers.
"No, don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry." I take the blame because what else can I do. I can't ask her about that idiot after she clearly instructed me to stop mentioning his name.
"What is it?" I'm trying not to break but cries are breaking me.
"It's everything. I want you. I want to see you." Her desperation for me puts me at ease.
"I want to see you too," I tell her, "I want to talk to you. I want to give you all of me."
"That is exactly what I need right now. All of you."
The call ends abruptly.
"Stupid airtime!" I curse out.