The building was imposing, but Isabel didn't back down from it. This was the only place she could think of to help her with the chain around her stomach. Even if the place itself couldn't get rid of it, maybe they could help her figure out how to do it herself. She'd tried breaking the chain the way she'd broken the others, but the chain had only strengthened. But she wasn't going to stand idly around and let the new chain destroy her life. She was going to do something about it, even if she wasn't sure what that "something" was yet.
Hopefully the building in front of her would have some answers.
****************
Ciara's knuckles were almost white as she tightly held her fists on her lap. As she sat in Akilah's car, she focused solely on keeping her breathing steady and her heart calm. It wouldn't do for her to have a panic attack, not when she was so close to getting a solution for her problem. It had only been nine days since she had learned of her pregnancy, but it felt like an eternity. In those nine days, so many things had changed for her.
She could feel herself spiraling down into that dark place in her mind, and she was pissed off about it. Just as she was starting to make some real progress, James Bunder had gone and stolen it from her. How dare he? How dare he leave a piece of himself growing inside of her? Before she had gone to the hospital, she had started to look at her own reflection. She was finally able to look at her own body and not automatically feel disgusted. She could see her muscles growing and her body changing, and damn it, she was actually starting to like her body!
But that was gone now. Every time she looked in the mirror, she would see those scars on her face and his voice would ring in her ears. Reminding her that she was never going to escape him. And when she looked at her body, all she could see was her stomach starting to swell with his spawn. Just as she was starting to feel like her own person, he had gone and so completely taken her body from her. Getting her pregnant was his final power play. It was his final claim on her. It was his checkmate.
Akilah had seen her starting to spiral back into self-loathing and had immediately flown into action. Even if she couldn't make the final decision for Ciara, she could help point her that way. It just so happened that she was getting ready to have her IUD replaced, even though- according to her, anyway- it was still good for another few months. Better safe than sorry. So when she had made that appointment, she had made a separate appointment for Ciara.
A consultation. That's what they were calling it. In the last stretch of Halsey and in After, she had wrestled with her faith. But when Akilah said what her appointment was for, Ciara had immediately prayed to whoever would listen that "consultation" was secretly code for "abortion". Maybe if she could just get to the clinic and convince herself that termination was the best course of action, they would do it before she lost her nerve.
She had lost her nerve so many times already. For every reason she had to abort, she thought of another to go through with the pregnancy. It hadn't helped when Morgan had jokingly said that if the child did have that genetic predisposition to killing, she could raise it to be a vigilante. She knew that he was only trying to make her feel better, but the thought had made her stomach churn. Did he seriously expect her to go on and raise a real-life Dexter?
Yet, sometimes she would feel her fingers gently drift over her stomach and she'd find herself fantasizing about being a mother. It had always been something she wanted. But did she want to be a mother to his child? And sure, there was the possibility that it wouldn't be anything like him. And that thought hurt the most. She didn't like to think of what was inside her as a child. It was easier that way. But every now and again she would picture what it would be like to have a little mini-Ciara. How victorious it would feel if the life inside of her ended up being nothing like him and exactly like her.
She didn't want to have an abortion, not really. But she also didn't want to have a baby. She didn't want to end the pregnancy, but she didn't want to go through with it, either. And that left her stuck between a rock and a hard place, trying to figure out which would be the lesser of two evils.
As the two women approached the clinic, she thought of all the advice she'd gotten from her friends and family. Some only told her that it was her choice, but some had spoken their opinions. JJ was against the abortion, but she had promised that she wouldn't hate Ciara or think less of her if she went through with it. All she asked was that Ciara give it some thought. Garcia had suggested choosing a compromise- going through with the pregnancy and then giving the baby up for adoption.
It was Teresa's advice, though, that truly made Ciara stop and think. When Ciara broke the news, she thought she was going to get whiplash from the pendulum of emotions her sister felt. She would go from crying over the fact that Ciara was in that situation to absolutely thrilled at the prospect of being an aunt and back again all in a matter of seconds. But her advice had rung true. Teresa could have chosen to not take Ria in. She could have chosen to be afraid that Ria would end up like Liana, or even her unknown birth father. But she hadn't, and Ria had been the greatest blessing in her life.
She didn't tell Ciara that she had to go through with her pregnancy because Teresa had gone through with fostering Ria. She simply told her that it was something to keep in mind when making her decision, and honestly, that made Ciara even more confused than she already was. Not that she was going to admit that to her sister.
"Motherfucker," Akilah cursed when they pulled into the parking lot the clinic had instructed them to go to. "Don't they have anything better to do on a Saturday?" Ciara nervously looked out of the window, her breath catching in her throat. There was a mob outside of the clinic, protesting against abortion. Didn't they know that abortions weren't the only service the clinic provided? Akilah was there to get her fucking IUD changed. And besides, who were they to judge Ciara? They didn't know her story. They didn't know the shit she had gone through, and she wasn't about to go and justify her choices to a complete stranger.
There was a fenced-off walkway connecting the parking lot to the clinic, protecting the women visiting the clinic from the mob of protestors. Akilah held her head high as she exited the car, and Ciara had to wonder if she had faced something similar when she had the first IUD placed. Ciara pulled on her hoodie, hoping it was baggy enough to hide her bump from herself and the protesters.
Ciara finally got out of the car, and that was when it hit her. The noise. In the car, it was just a slight buzz, like a fly was trapped somewhere in the car. Annoying and inconvenient. But outside of the car, it was amplified into a roaring din. So many voices all shouting something different. It rang in Ciara's ears and quickly overwhelmed her. For a second, she considered diving back into the car and missing the appointment just to avoid the noise. Akilah stopped when she saw Ciara frozen, walking back with concern on her face.
"Anaha bisawt eal jidana [It's too loud]," Ciara said, and Akilah looked back at the protesters, her nose crinkling in distaste.
"Hal ladayk samaaeat 'iilgha aldawada'i? [Do you have your noise-canceling headphones?]"
"Laqad taraktuhum fi almanzil [I left them at home]," Ciara responded. She and Akilah hadn't spoken to each other in Arabic since Before, and Ciara was a little surprised at how easily it slipped off of her tongue. She'd forced herself to practice speaking in other languages during Halsey, of course, but she hadn't had a conversation in any of them in After. But when she needed to speak to Akilah without the fear of the protesters knowing what she was saying, she slipped easily into the other language. In a way, it was their safe word. Especially because no one else on the team knew Arabic.
"Sanakun bikhayrin. Sawf nasir bisureatin [We'll be okay. We'll walk fast]," Akilah assured her. Ciara's gaze was still at the throng of people. Even if they did walk fast, that was still too far to go with all of the noise. With each passing second, something was squeezing her chest, and Ciara wondered if she was on the verge of a sensory overload. She hadn't been so overstimulated since Before. There were simply too many things happening at once.
"Hal taetaqid 'anahum sayaerifun 'anani huna li'iijra' eamaliat 'iijhadi? [Do you think they'll know I'm here for an abortion?]"
"'Ant last huna min 'ail al'iijadu. 'Ant huna liltashawuri [You're not here for an abortion. You're here for a consult]," Akilah reminded her, before sighing. "'Iinah lays min shanihim ealaa 'ayi hali. 'Iidha hawaluu alsurakh ealayna, sa'atlub minhum 'an yabtaeidwa [It's none of their business, anyway. If they try to yell at us, I'll tell them to fuck off]."
"'Ana la 'ashuku fi dhalika [I don't doubt it]," Ciara said with a laugh. Knowing that Akilah would protect her, Ciara found the courage to begin the walk to the clinic. She pulled her hood over her head, tightening the strings so only her face was showing. She knew that made her look suspicious, but it was helping to muffle the sound. Not very well, but something was better than nothing. They were about halfway down the path when the protesters finally noticed them, pushing against the fence and slinging insults at them.
"Murderers!" an older man screamed. His was the only voice that rang clearly, and Ciara nearly froze on the spot. She knew she wasn't a murderer- she wasn't like the people the BAU hunted down.
"Please," Akilah scoffed, shooting glares at the man. She stood straighter and held her head even taller, if such a thing was possible. But Ciara felt like curling on in herself. She felt like running back to the car, just to escape all of the people. After asking permission, Akilah gently placed her hand on the small of Ciara's back, leading her toward the clinic. The man followed them, constantly screaming that one word. Murderers. Murderers. Murderers.
She hadn't realized how close to the fence she was. She also hadn't realized that while the bars of the fence were narrow enough that a body couldn't fit through them, an arm certainly could. The man reached out and harshly grabbed Ciara's wrist, and her eyes went wide as a scream got stuck in her throat.
"You're a murderer," he hissed at her, and though Ciara was breathing heavily, it felt as if there was no air in her lungs. "You're going to kill an innocent baby? You're sick. Maybe you wouldn't need an abortion if you weren't a whore."
Why would I care about what a whore like yourself thinks?
You know you want this, you little whore!
Such a whore for me.
You want food? Then open your legs for me like a good little whore.
You're my little whore, aren't you?
My little whore. My little whore. My little whore my little whore my little whore...
"Get your hands off of her!" Akilah shrieked, storming over to the man. She grabbed his wrist and yanked it back, nearly folding his hand completely back. He yelped and let go of Ciara, and she immediately went behind Akilah, pulling her hood further down her face so that no one would see the tears streaming down her face. She didn't want anyone to see the pain in her eyes and the panic ravaging her body. She didn't want them to see just how much the man's words had hurt.
Was she a whore? The first time she had been attacked, it was because she was too oblivious to see James's real intentions when he walked into her apartment. Halsey had happened because she hadn't told her team who James Bunder was. She'd been told, repeatedly, that none of it was her fault. But what if it was? Did that make her a whore? And in the end, when she'd agreed to have sex with him so she could get food... Gideon had told her that was still rape. But she couldn't make the words stick. She'd still opened herself up to the man who had hurt her in so many ways. She pleasured that man however he asked her to. She'd watched, horrified, as he managed to bring her to climax.
And now she was pregnant with that man's child.
"You don't know anything about her. You know nothing of what she's gone through. You called her sick, but the only sick person I see here is you. How can you, any of you, say such vile things about women that you don't know? Instead of actually trying to give women access to other options, you scream at them for taking the option they have. You're a coward, and she is the strongest woman I have ever met. She doesn't always see it, but I do. Every day I see how strong she is," Akilah ranted, and Ciara's tears ran anew. Akilah was calling Ciara strong, even though she was hiding behind the taller woman and panicking.
"Abortion is-"
"Shut your mouth," Akilah said darkly, and the man followed her orders. "You don't know us. Even if she was here for an abortion- and I'm neither denying nor confirming that fact- you don't know her story. And as for me? I'm here to have my IUD replaced. I know I don't want kids yet, so I'm actually doing something to prevent it. I'm here so I can have crazy hot sex with my boyfriend without worrying about any accidents. And if having premarital sex makes me a whore, then so be it. The way I see it, I'm doing more to prevent abortion than any of you."
"That hoodie can't hide the truth! I can see that she's pregnant. Maybe she wouldn't be-"
"Think very carefully about what you say next," Akilah hissed, pushing the man's hand back further. He yelped, and Ciara shrunk away from Akilah. She would never admit it, but her friend was scaring her at that moment. How could she not be scared when she saw the way Akilah's every muscle was tensed? When she saw the way her eyes burned with anger? The way her very hair seemed to spark and burst into flame with her rage?
"You're going to break my wrist!" the man cried.
"Good. This won't be the first time I've beaten somebody up for going after her. My boss wasn't very happy with me the last time, but I have a feeling he'll be a little more understanding of it this time. And if the cops come, who do you think they'll believe? A man who grabbed a defenseless woman, or an FBI agent?" Akilah said, smirking with victory when the man realized just who he was up against.
"You're a...?" he stammered, and Akilah reached into her back pocket, flashing her badge for everyone to see.
"And, just for the record, so is she," she told him, gesturing her head back towards Ciara. The man spluttered, and just like that, Akilah let him go. He pulled his arm back through the fence, cradling his reddened wrist. "Now, if you don't mind, we both have appointments to get to. I hope you've learned something." With that, Akilah turned and marched towards the clinic, her head held high.
Ciara ran after her. Though Akilah could protect her from the man's actions, she couldn't protect Ciara from his words and the chaos it unleashed in her mind. For the rest of the walk, the protesters who hadn't seen the altercation pushed against the fence. While none tried to grab her, they hurt her with their poisoned words. By the time they reached the doors, Ciara was a sobbing mess, the cacophony of noise ringing in her ears.
Akilah saw her panic and her pain. Of course she did. But there was nothing she could do until they were safely inside the clinic. Once the door was shut, the noise died significantly, but their vile insults still rang in her head. Even as the receptionist jumped up and rushed over to them upon seeing Ciara's face, one word still bounced around her head, pushing everything else out. Whore. Whore. Whore.
"Oh, goodness, are you okay?" the receptionist said, and Akilah shook her head as she guided Ciara to a chair. Once sat, she pulled her legs to her chest, burying her face in her knees and sobbing violently.
"The protesters outside really got to her. One of them grabbed her and called her a whore," Akilah explained, and the receptionist gasped, sitting on the chair next to Ciara. She tried to put her hand on Ciara's shoulder, but she shied away from the touch. The older woman didn't take any offense to that.
"We've tried to get rid of them, but every attempt has failed. I'm sorry they attacked you like that. I'm sure that walk was scary and overwhelming. What's your name, sweetheart?" the receptionist asked.
"Ciara... Byrne," she answered.
"Okay. I'll go get you checked in. You're here for a consult, right?" Ciara nodded.
"And you can check me in, too. Akilah Ganem, here to get my IUD replaced."
"Okay. You can take a seat and I'll get both of you checked in. Hey, sweetheart?" Ciara looked up slightly, and the receptionist smiled softly at her. "Would you like to go somewhere a little more quiet? We can also get you something to drink, a snack, and a comfort item if you'd like."
"You have comfort items here?" Akilah asked as she took the other seat next to Ciara.
"Of course. Too many of the women that come here have suffered a trauma. So many of them are scared by their situation and/or frightened by the protesters. Many of them need a soft blanket or cuddly toy to hang on to to feel better. And the one thing we want, more than anything else, is for our patients to feel safe and comfortable here. Personally, I hate those protesters for trying to take that from them," the receptionist explained, and Akilah nodded in understanding.
Even if the clinic didn't give her the answer she needed, Ciara liked this place. She'd been inside for a little over a minute, and the receptionist was already asking if she'd like a snack. Asking how she could help. She didn't even know Ciara, but yet, there she was trying to help her feel safe.
"Something to drink sounds good," Ciara whispered, and the receptionist nodded. "And somewhere quiet. And a blanket. But nothing fuzzy. Sometimes those don't feel good. Something soft or silky. Can I have a cuddly toy, too? Mine's at home. And someplace quiet where I can't hear them."
"Of course. You can have all of that."
"I would like a snack, but I still can't keep anything down. It's getting annoying," Ciara admitted, and the receptionist laughed.
"I'm sure your doctor can help with that. Apple juice okay?" she asked, and Ciara nodded. "The doctor is in the last ten minutes of her lunch break, and the room she's going to see you in is already open. I'll tell the nurse to bring you back now so you can have a few minutes to breathe, and I'll tell her to grab everything else."
"Can I have an apple juice, too?" Akilah asked, and the receptionist nodded.
"Of course. Give me just one minute," she said, scurrying off to get them checked in. The two women fell silent then, but that was okay. Ciara didn't much feel like talking. Exactly two minutes later, a nurse called her name and Ciara followed her into the bowels of the clinic. The nurse checked her vitals, and the whole time, Ciara wanted to reach for the basket of things on the table on the other side of the hall. But she kept herself in check. The nurse still had a job to do.
When she was led into an empty and- thank God!- quiet room, Ciara practically snatched the basket from the nurse. She said the doctor would be around soon as Ciara sipped on the apple juice in the basket. She then pulled out the soft- but not fuzzy- blanket and wrapped it around herself. She wished she had her weighted blanket, but this would have to do. And then she pulled out the cuddly toy. It was a mushroom that was so soft to the touch and smiling up at her. Ciara clutched the mushroom to her chest, stroking it softly.
Five minutes after that, a knock came at the door, and Ciara welcomed the person in. It was the doctor, judging by her white coat. Ciara already liked her. She was tall, black, looked to be in her mid-fifties, and had thick glasses. She smiled at Ciara softly and sat in a chair by the computer, setting a clipboard down and chuckling when she saw the cuddly toy.
"I see you got the mushroom. You're lucky. That's a favorite," she said, and Ciara pulled the toy closer.
"I'm calling it Toad," she answered, and the doctor nodded.
"That's a good name. Well, darling, I'm Melody Jones, and I'll be your doctor today. You're here for a consult, yes?" Dr. Jones asked. Oh, yes, Ciara liked her. She had the same vibe as a lunch lady who called the students "baby" and snuck them an extra chicken nugget when no one was looking. Her very aura was comforting, and Ciara knew she'd be well taken care of. Ciara nodded at the question, and Dr. Jones pulled her clipboard out. "Can you tell me a little bit more about what's happening?"
"I'm pregnant, and... I'm not sure I want to be. I'm just so scared and confused, and my friend thought this would be a good first step. She's in another room getting her IUD replaced," Ciara explained, and Dr. Jones nodded, making a few notes and pushing her glasses up onto the bridge of her nose.
"Okay. So far, how has the pregnancy been developing? Any concerns?"
"I can't keep anything solid down. Liquids are the only thing I don't throw up. I've been surviving off of soup, fruit smoothies, and protein shakes," Ciara answered.
"Okay. At the end of the appointment, I can prescribe you some anti-nausea meds if you want. When's your due date?"
"I don't know."
"Well, how far along are you?"
"I don't know that either," Ciara said, and Dr. Jones looked up from her clipboard. "And before ye ask, I don't know when my last missed period was. My periods were a bit... irregular before this. And at the appointment where I found out I was pregnant... I was so shocked and confused by the news that I refused an ultrasound. I haven't been to see an OB/GYN."
"That's okay, baby. We can take a little look-see. I can see on an ultrasound about how far along you are, and I have to give you an ultrasound, anyway," she said, and Ciara's heart sank. She didn't want an ultrasound. Seeing what was inside her would make the pregnancy so much more real, and she still tried to tell herself that it wasn't sometimes. And besides, what if the ultrasound proved she was farther than twenty weeks and the option of abortion was taken off the table?
"Ye... ye have to?"
"Yes. By law, we have to perform an ultrasound at these kinds of appointments. If you choose to have an abortion, the gestational age of the fetus will determine what kind of abortion you can have, if you can have one at all. It also lets us check on the health of the fetus and catch anything that might be a complication," Dr. Jones said, and while Ciara didn't like it, she understood the reasoning. While the doctor got the ultrasound ready, she instructed Ciara to lay back on the exam table and lift up her hoodie.
She only lifted it up enough that her stomach was accessible, but even then, Dr. Jones faltered for just a moment. Ciara knew what she was seeing. That one scar that wrapped around her stomach and the last two pairs of scarred ribs. Ciara wasn't going to explain the scars, and thankfully, the doctor didn't ask. She simply squeezed the ultrasound gel onto Ciara's stomach, and she flinched at how cold it was. But before she could put the transducer on her stomach, she handed Ciara a pair of noise-canceling headphones.
"What are these for?" Ciara asked.
"The law states I have to perform an ultrasound. It doesn't state that you have to see or hear it," Dr. Jones answered with a knowing smile. Ciara nearly knocked Toad off of the table in her scramble to put the headphones on. She knew well enough that the ultrasound would reveal a heartbeat, and Ciara didn't want to listen to it. She didn't want to make it real. Once the headphones were on and her eyes were closed, she gave the doctor a thumbs up.
Outside of how far along she was, she didn't need to know what the ultrasound showed Dr. Jones. She didn't need to know if her pregnancy was healthy or not. She didn't need to hear a heartbeat. She didn't need to know anything. When the transducer was lifted off of her stomach, Ciara opened her eyes and Dr. Jones gave her a nod, telling her it was safe. Ciara pulled the headphones off as she was given some wipes to clean off the ultrasound gel.
"Well, it looks like you're just about fifteen weeks. Too late for a medical abortion, but not too late for a surgical one, if that's what you choose," Dr. Jones told her, and Ciara felt her heart twist in her chest. Five weeks. She only had five weeks to make a decision.
"How can ye tell I'm fifteen weeks?"
"I can tell based on how the fetus looks. How much it's developed. Without an accurate conception date, it would be hard to give you an exact due date, but if you have an idea of when the intercourse was that led to the-"
"Don't call it that," Ciara spit out, and the doctor's eyes widened a fraction. "It wasn't intercourse. That's not what... that's not why I'm... that's not what happened!"
"Oh, baby." Ciara blinked back the tears, not wanting to think about it. Dr. Jones reached out, and Ciara didn't shy away from her touch. The doctor gently took her hand, her dark skin clashing with Ciara's pale tone. She told Ciara it was okay to cry, and just like that, the first tear slipped out. "That never should have happened to you. He never should have hurt you like that and put you in this situation. But you're safe now, and we're going to help you figure out what to do."
"September 15th. That's the last time he... that's when it ended," Ciara said, and Dr. Jones nodded, not needing to know anything more.
"If that was the time that led to the pregnancy, it would track with you being fifteen weeks. If fertilization and implantation happened on the average timeline... that would put you as entering your fifteenth week today. And while I can't tell you an exact due date, it would be somewhere around June 14th. So let's just go with that, okay?" she said, and Ciara nodded.
"Can ye just get rid of it and let me be done? While I have the courage to do so?" she asked, and Dr. Jones shook her head.
"Not today. It's the clinic's policy that there has to be at least 24 hours in between this appointment and an appointment for an abortion," she answered, and Ciara's brows furrowed.
"Why?"
"Because you need time to consider all of your options. Some women go to clinics sure they want an abortion before they know all of their options. When they learn of their options, they come to regret the abortion. You need time to decide that this is really what you want. Now, some women, they call to schedule an abortion exactly 24 hours later, to the minute. Some take a week to come to that decision. Some go another way entirely. Every woman is different. Every woman has a different story."
"It's just so complicated," Ciara cried.
"That's what we're here for. We're here to help unravel that mess," Dr. Jones told her, and Ciara nodded.
Twenty minutes later, she was leaving the clinic with Akilah. She was practically glowing, going on and on about how this clinic was so much better than the one she got her first IUD at. How this appointment was so much more comfortable and how well they eased her pain. And Ciara? She had a gestational age, a due date, a pamphlet on her options, and a prescription for some pregnancy-safe anti-nausea medications. But she didn't have the one thing that she had come for.
A decision.
Well, here we are. Another chapter down. I think I'll make my goal of wrapping things up by Chapter 85, but we'll see. Anyway, Ciara is no closer to a decision than she was last chapter. What do you think she'll decide, and how will she come to her decision? Well, that's all I have for today, so... BYE!
"I started to cry and feel desperate because I was not ready for everything that was ahead. I didn't want to have an abortion and I didn't want to have a baby." -Unknown