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chapter 10: return to rose
"are you going to tell your dad?" eren's voice sounded form the kitchen. he was making food; probably for me. i had been here for the past two days. but before that, i hadn't seen eren for a few weeks. or anyone really. not even sasha; i stayed within the confines of my room as i sat in the knowledge of my mom.
as soon as the high wore off; i snapped back to reality. feeling the burden of everything in an instant. there was an empty void in my body the first week, and anger the second. and now, i was throwing myself back into school and friends; trying to ignore the twinge of melancholy that would probably remain a pit in my stomach forever. reopening the wound my mom left when she deserted us was harder than i thought it would be. i guess the first time, i was able to distract myself enough to where i forgot what the pain was like.
but when i could talk to eren again; everything snapped back into place. he set my mind at ease, slightly, allowing me to put the pieces of my mom's murder together. that's really what made the biggest difference.
being around eren was comfortable; just quiet. he was less guarded with his emotions and features, but still confined about everything else. after clearing up questions about my mom; he avoided them like he usually does. "no. i don't know how we would even go about that... there's no body and it's been years." i knew that not telling my dad was a shitty thing to do, but it would keep him healthy.
each of us had our own distractions the first time. i drowned myself in historia's friendship, while my dad chose alcohol. if he knew; it would just bring more pain onto him; something he didn't need. he finally came to terms with her absence and sobered up by the time i left for sina.
eren had come over to my spot on the couch; but kept his distance. he was always doing that. either leaving his apartment, staying in another room, or putting space between us. "we could still figure out a way. say it was blackmail to you.. something like that," his tone barred sympathy as he threw out options.
"without proof like that.. he would never believe it and would just spiral anyway." i knew my decision was a judgment call. one that would keep my dad healthy, but in the dark. "does that make me a bad person?" i said aloud, but it came as a whisper. the guilt of this decision would rest next to the grief.
eren didn't respond right away, "no. you're doing what you think is best." his body leaned closer to me, almost offering physical sympathy. but he stopped himself. "like you did?"
at first, i was angry that he waited so long to tell me. and now, i was in the same position. i'm worse for it, because i'm hiding my mothers death from her own husband and eren kept it from a stranger. it was easy to realize that he couldn't have just waltzed up to me; telling me my mom was killed by vampires. i have an obligation and i'm choosing to ignore it.
his gaze became distant, like he was trapped in his own thoughts; just like i was. "yeah," he sighed out.
"i should visit him. it's been since the start of the semester anyway," i thought out loud again. i always avoided going back home. time always seemed to stand still there; like i had never left. it wasn't a comforting feeling; another reminder that my life at sina is just an illusion. i couldn't imagine how it would be knowing the truth.
eren seemed to sense my unease, "okay. i'll go," his voice dragged, "only if you want me too." the offer took me by surprise. even though he invited me to stay at his apartment, i couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't want to be around me. but if he was willing to come along with me.. i must be overthinking it.
"yeah, that'd be good," the guilt eased, knowing i wouldn't have to lie to my dad's face alone. eren slipped away from his spot on the couch, distancing himself toward the kitchen now that the conversation was over. a frown slipped onto my face. was this even a good idea?
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the decision to leave was made quickly. after calling my dad, he wanted to see me as soon as possible, but he was quiet when i mentioned the new name that would be coming with me. packing my things, i asked jean to come over to distract me from the low hum of nerves. this wasn't a normal visit.
"he really shouldn't even be going with you," jean complained, packing all of my makeup into a bag. he wanted to help out; but i'd have to double check everything. he's probably grabbing all the wrong products. "i called you over to help me pack, not question my decisions."
his movements stopped, he started at me, trying to gauge my features. "i'm just saying.. you should be more cautious around him." his fingers twisted around each other.
moving my hands in a 'talking' motion, i spoke gibberish to mock jean, "panties in a twist?" he stood firm even with my jokes. his face was serious, "he's never hurt me," i continued as the closet flashbacked before my eyes. i pushed the memory away quickly; he didn't do it on purpose and i was fine, i reminded myself. eren had gone out of his way on multiple occasions to ensure my safety; jean was just anxious.
"it's not eren i'm worried about. it's what comes with him," i got the feeling jean was talking about more than just bloodlust. did he know about his family, too? jean and i were both hiding things from each other; unsure of what we knew, and too scared to speak of it.
"yeah, i'll be cautious, okay?" i said to keep his mind at ease, "but it's just a short trip to rose. you know nothing happens there." jean shot me a glace, remembering the time we went with connie and sasha. "right.. nothing," jean laughed at the memory.
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the drive from oregon to washington was long. the hum of the road allowed me to sleep for most of it; leaving eren to drive the distance. it was the first time in a while that i had consistent and undisturbed sleep. as soon as my eyes opened; i wanted to keep them closed forever.
eren drew my attention away from sleep, looking over at me, "morning," he joked as i noticed the sun setting behind us. his body was stiff in his chair, features slightly strained. "are you nervous?" my voice came out groggy, i coughed to get rid of the remaining sleep in my body. he shot me a look of offense, trying to relax in his seat more. it didn't make as much of a difference as he thought.
"no definitely not," he huffed a laugh through his nose. " what's your dad like?" his tone was casual, but it confirmed that he really was nervous. "ha!" i pointed at him, to mock, but he kept his eyes glued to the road.
i pushed the blanket off my body, leaving it in a heap at my feet. i stretched the rest of my body in the uncomfortably small space. "liar," i muttered, shaking my head at him. "he has kind of a dry humor, always makes me laugh," any sort of actual humor was drained when my mom left. i notice he's more cheerful when i come back after not seeing him for a few months. "but he doesn't like boys coming around.." i had to stifle another laugh.
i knew he wouldn't like eren. the only boy he ever had liked is jean, for whatever reason. he just about kicked connie out on our last visit, and considering his favor to jean i don't doubt he'll give eren a hard time. i wouldn't tell him that, though...
"so i'm fucked, basically," he sighed, looking at me. his face contorted further in nerves, and his hands gripped the steering wheel. i could tell now that he was sweating lightly. i hadn't really thought about the connection between the two, but i was now. his dad killed mine's wife. yikes. the fact that he volunteered to come suddenly took me by surprise.
i laughed a little too hard at his response, "you'll be fine!" i encouraged. he would be fine, my dad wouldn't go too hard on him. but i don't think that's what either of us were worried about.
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"just park in the driveway," i coordinated eren. nothing seemed to keep his nerves at bay, no matter how hard he tried to hide them. for the last half hour of the drive, i blasted embarrassing songs, hoping to at least distract him. but being so close, it didn't really work.
gathering my stuff, i noticed eren pulling my door open before he made his way to the trunk in a motion to grab our bags, "leave 'em, we can just get it later," i encouraged, trying to get the 'meet' out of the way. he sighed, standing still for a minute. walking toward him, i reached for his hand. it was cold, as usual, but slightly clammy from his sweating. "you've never met a girl's dad before?" i joked.
he pulled his hand away quickly, glaring. the challenge seemed to lighten his mood, just a bit. "please, more than you can count." he made a quick escape to the front door, as i grabbed the key from my pocket.
the opening door wafted the scent of chili. the warm atmosphere comforted me, but only for a second. i spun around to eren quickly, "fuck!" i whispered, shoving him out of the door, "can you even eat normally?" i felt just as nervous as he looked, but his head turned downward in a laugh, "yeah, i'll be fine," he continued to chuckle as he pushed past me, back to the entrance.
"hey dad!" i called out loudly, trying to gauge where he was. he popped around the kitchen hallway, adorned in a pink floral apron, "y/n!" he made a bee-line towards me, grabbing me into a hug, "i've missed you!" his voice was higher than it usually was, in excitement. "missed you too," mine was low, i hugged him even tighter. was i making the right decision? it was easy to convince myself i was when i wasn't staring into his eyes.
he pulled away, examining my face, before his mood was ruined by the presence next to us, "and who are you," he deadpanned, features moving into a look of disturbance. i removed his hands from my face, "dad, i told you, this is eren."
eren immediately extended his hand out, "nice to meet you, sir." i couldn't help the laugh that bubbled in my throat at his formality. it was then that i noticed the effort he put into his appearance. his hair was down, and kempt, and his clothes were tighter fitting than usual. nothing fancy, but i wouldn't doubt he put some thought behind it. if the circumstances weren't what they were, i'd be swooning.
my dad unwillingly shook his hand, keeping a tight grip for as long as he could, "what happened to jean," he faced me. eren jerked his head back slightly in surprise, eyebrows furring. "he's back at sina. with connie, your favorite," i set the record straight, more for eren than my dad.
his face contorted in what looked like anger, "don't joke like that. fucker," he muttered the last part. eren's brows lifted in surprise. mine did too, but i couldn't blame him. in the trip all of us took here, connie managed to accidentally kick off a house party; completely trashing it while me and my dad went out to dinner together. "he did apologize," i defended, remembering how distraught connie was over being yelled at by a man who wasn't even his father.
my dad lifted his hand, dismissing the chat, "you came at the right time, your favorite meal is done!" he walked back toward the kitchen, taking the obnoxious apron off. chili was my favorite when i was seven, but i wasn't going to tell him that. anything that i showed interest towards, he would stock up the house with. eren widened his eyes, catching my attention.
giggling, i motioned for him to follow me into the dining room. my dad came around with three bowls, serving eren last. to think he's grilled me on host-manners before, i couldn't stop my eyes from rolling. "sina still treating you well," he didn't phrase it as a question; almost scared it wouldn't be true.
"yeah, grades are up too!" i wouldn't know; i hadn't checked in a few weeks, but he didn't need a reason to worry. "good." the table was quiet for a moment, all of us digging into the food to avoid conversation. eren was slowly shoveling spoonfuls into his mouth, but it didn't look like he was appetized. any other scenario, and i would be laughing my ass off at his discomfort.
"so eren, where are you from?" my dad probed with a dry tone. "shiganshina," he was formal, but i could sense his discomfort with the question.
"i've heard of it. pretty far off?" eren and i stilled. eren hadn't told me where my mom ended up, but i would assume it was there. i wonder if he knew? no, i reminded, there was no way she ever left any clues. "yeah, it's closer to sina than here," he went back to the bowl in front of him. his nerves were calmer, but it looked to be replaced with stress. i didn't know what was going through his head, but it couldn't have been anything good.
"your parents- what do they do," it was a common question, but it made me stop breathing entirely. this was such a bad idea, why did i agree? eren gave me scraps about his parents; enough that i knew how fucked up the question was.
"my dad's a doctor, and my mom bartended before she had me," his voice came out smoothly, despite the bend of the truth. is that what they did before.. everything, then? "and what do you want to do?" i gripped my spoon tighter at my dad's continued questionnaire. i hadn't felt this way when he grilled connie, even jean. this time; it really irked me.
"i'm not sure yet, but i'm majoring in literature." i was surprised at how easily he answered my fathers questions, given that he never did with mine.
he made a grunt in the back of his throat, "so undecided," he was about to continue, but i didn't let him. i rolled my eyes, dramatically, to draw attention away from eren, "i'm undecided too." my dad shot me a look of uncertainty, but seemed to get the hint. "what have you been up to?" i tried to drag my dad away from playing twenty questions by playing it myself with him.
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gagging was muffled through my bathroom door. "eren, are you okay," the sounds continued over the course of a few minutes. the door opened up quickly, revealing a paler than usual eren with bright pink lips. "yeah, i'm fine," his voice was scratchy, and he coughed after the exertion of using his voice.
my eyebrows furrowed as he walked past me, further into my bedroom, "are you really not going to explain?"
"i can eat food, but it doesn't get digested. so i have to throw it up," his tone was bored; like he didn't want to relive anything. couldn't blame him, i tried to keep my features from cringing at the thought of needing to throw up any food.
"you should've told me." he looked around my room. "i feel bad, my dad grilled you and then you spent five minutes throwing up." sitting down on the corner of my bed, i picked at the sides of my nails.
"eh, don't feel bad. i wanted to come, and i told you i've met girls fathers before," he smirked at me. jealousy prickled in my stomach at the mention of it. eren grabbed a photo from the pin wall above my desk. he chuckled, picking it up to shove in my face.
it was from sophomore year; with historia. i swiftly snatched it from his hands, "don't touch," i placed it on the dresser on the other side of my room. the air smelled stiff from being still for so long. i didn't feel connected to anything in this room. none of it was my life anymore. "how do you even know about that?" i probed, thinking back to the fair. how he seemed to know everything that happened between us.
he turned back to the wall of photos, examining them. "a little birdie told me," he teased. i came right next to him, his skin tone had returned to normal. quick recovery. "a birdie being historia?" i figured it had to be her that told him, but it stung either way. i thought she had kept her mouth closed to anyone and everyone. who else knew?
eren pulled my attention back, "who's that?" he pointed to another picture. porco. his face was half covered, barely visible as he kissed my cheek. historia had taken it when she came along on one of our dates. which now felt fucked up. i removed the pin from it and put it with the other picture.
he shot me a knowing look, "if you don't like these people, why do you still have them up?" it was a question i had asked myself before, too. "memories. they still represent something good, i guess." after trying to take them down once, i found myself smiling at them despite the pain of betrayal from both parties. a lot of memories remain untainted from that, and i wanted to keep it that way.
"wanna get ice cream?" i offered the distraction; for both of us. "or.. want to come with me as i get it?" i rephrased with the new knowledge that he wouldn't be able to keep it down. i giggled at the offended look on his face as i led him out of the house; careful to avoid my dad.
we walked side by side down the street; there was no need to take a car. the streetlights had just turned on; triggered by the sun finally leaving the horizon. "i thought it would be bigger," eren glanced around my neighborhood. "what?" i asked, not sure what he was referring to.
"rose," he scanned my features, "i just envisioned it more of a city." his gaze moved back to the landscape. around my house was a small set of other houses, followed by a lot of mountainous greenland. the time i spent here was boring; discluding the time i spent with historia. "not at all.. do you think i'm a hick?" i pushed on his shoulder lightly, creating more space between us. "what.. noo," he teased back, dragging out his words.
"so rude!" a dramatic gasp hung in the air between us. "so shiganshina, huh." i finally knew where he grew up, thanks to dad, i guess. "is that hick-y too?" i poked at him.
"it used to be, but it's all urban now," his eyes became deeper in thought, like he was trying to remember. "you won't step foot there." his tone changed, and so did his face, like he had remembered the wrong memory. it stoned over, like it used to be all the time. "was it always.. bad?" i treaded the conversation carefully. eren had eased up; but i didn't want to set him off.
again, he seemed lost in thought, "no, i don't think so. it's hard to remember, though." his voice was distance, but a smile was quick to tug at his lips, "i've always wanted to go to germany."
pacing my steps to be in front of him, i turned to face him with my body. "why germany?" his green eyes locked with mine; my steps almost stuttered. "it's where my mom grew up. i've always felt.. like maybe i'd feel more connected to her if i went." he shrugged, like it wasn't anything to him. but there was an undeniable sparkle in his eyes.
"then we should go." he threw me a look; like it was out of the question. too many probabilities and obstacles that would prevent it from happening. i knew that; but i didn't want his eyes to dull. "you visited my homelands, i visit yours, it's only fair."
a dry laugh sounded around us, "ther-"
"oh look! were here!" i grabbed his pointer finger and joined it with mine, dragging him along the twenty or so feet to the doorway of the creamery. there was no line- the weather was too cold and darkness already blanketed the world around us.
"hi, just one mint chip cone please," i spoke to the employee. i didn't need to look at any of the flavors; i always got the same thing from here. "you would like mint chip," he gave me a dirty look; and i returned it with an offended one. the employee looked to eren to take his order, but blinked a few times. she scanned him up and down, and i couldn't help but clutch his finger tighter. "that'll be all," he answered the unasked question, with a kind tone. he looked at our fingers; probably feeling the extra pressure.
i had no right to be jealous, really. but she was pretty, and if eren wanted her i'm sure he could have her. it reminded me what we were; and it wasn't romantic between us. a sigh slipped through at the thought. why was i even here with eren?
the girl handed my cone over the counter before grabbing the receipt, "thank you," came from my mouth, but eren all but ignored her. he scanned my face over, but i broke eye contact, looking in the direction we started walking again. my feet stopped in their tracks, registering who was walking through the door. he looked just as surprised, "y/n," it was a greeting, but it felt like the words had slipped through with surprise.
"porco.." i moved the balance on my feet uncomfortably. the last time i even saw him he was naked with historia. the images shot through the front of my brain; bringing all the emotions with it. what was he doing back here?
eren's heavy arm being slung around my shoulders drew me out of my head. his hand gripped down my arm, pulling me closer to his body. it might've slapped me back into reality, but i didn't know what to say. what should i say? proco broke the silence, "you her boyfriend?" his tone was bitter; like he had any right to feel any emotion towards me or eren.
"yep," eren answered quickly and confidently, moving his hand to the arch in my back, pushing me forward. my feet responded, walking by porco. a short girl stood behind him; but i barely noticed her. all i could register was that she looked like a cheap copy of historia. dodged a bullet, i guess. i laughed at the thought.
the cool of the air fully brought me out of my thoughts. seeing him caught me off guard, but he wasn't causing me any new pain. i guess i had completely gotten over all that. then again, it was historia that had caused the most hurt; and i don't think i was over that. "what an asshole," eren scoffed, removing his hands from around me, putting distance between us on our walk back.
i was quick to close it, sliding my arm though his, locking our hands together. "boyfriend, huh," i batted my eyelashes, mocking him. my heat was beating a thousand times faster; it had registered that he got defensive over me. i couldn't wipe the smile off my face even if i tried. "whatever," he was stern on keeping his eyes away from mine and on the street in front of us.
jean would've done the same for me, even connie, but i couldn't help but feel giddy over it. i wouldn't have expected eren too; he's not like the two of them. "you were jealous," i was obviously joking; but i hoped if i got him riled up he might admit something. might.
"and if i was?" his eyes briefly met mine as i took a bite of my cone. "that was your ex right?" ern continued in my silence. i didn't want to respond; admitting that porco of all people was my ex was embarrassing. "what now you're quiet?" he unclasped his hand from mine, jabbing his fingers into my stomach, attempting to tickle me.
"don't!" i yelled, almost at the top of my lungs. i removed my arm from around his, grabbing my stomach and backing away, "fuck you!" my laugh echoed down the empty street, soon joined by his, "don't like tickling?" he poked fun at my distraught features. "does anyone?" i rhetorically asked, before running back over to him, jumping onto his shoulders and lightly choking him with my arm. the other held the ice cream limply.
one of his hands held my forearm, keeping it from actually choking him. the other came around to my knee, holding me in a familiar position. this time, he worked his hand further up my thigh. he wasn't restricted with keeping it at my knee. my other leg swung around his waist, interlocking with my other leg to stay on his back firmly.
all of my worries and fears that i came to rose with were gone. i knew my feelings for eren hadn't disappeared, but i was faced with them right now. and i wasn't sure what made them even stronger than before, but the butterflies began to suffocate me. breathing the same air as eren kept me from feeling light headed.
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"bye dad, i love you," my arms were wrapped tightly around him. it was then that i noticed he felt heavier than usual. like he had gained some weight. that was good. you're making the right decision, i reminded myself. "drive safe," his hand came up to squeeze my cheek. i made my way towards eren's car, the door was already unlocked.
"it was nice to meet you," i could hear eren sucking up behind me. turning, i laughed at the sight of another unwanted handshake from the both of them. eren picked our bags back up; his was giant, maybe three times the size of mine.
he walked to the trunk, as i waved to my dad who was walking back through the front door. "what's up with the big ass bag?" i taunted him, chucking.
"i have to keep myself pampered," he didn't pay me much attention as he stuffed the bags in the back. "come on, get in." he opened the door for me. i kicked off my shoes immediately, criss-crossing my legs on the chair in preparation for the long drive i knew we had ahead of us. i couldn't believe we made the same one yesterday; we probably should've stayed an extra night here, but i knew eren wasn't comfortable.
i couldn't keep my eyes off eren as he changed gears, my face heating. with the realization, i tucked my head into the window. "eren?" i spoke confused, noticing he took the wrong entrance to the highway. "wrong road, dumbass," i turned to look back at him, but he was confident.
"no, this is the right one," a small smile twitched on his lips as he turned the music up in an attempt to drown me out.
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