Introduction:
Evaughn was written by angiee019_. It is a mature story tackling heavy themes, and it follows the protagonist, Evaughn, as he struggles to find his place in the world while his ruthless uncle makes his life hell.
Just a disclaimer that I didn't read the second book. I only read one book for an author at a time, so I voted on it but did not read it as to be fair to other authors. If there is any criticism in this review that is addressed in book two, please disregard it.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
On Wattpad, it's rare to see stories that actually go the extra mile to depict a terrible situation in such a visceral manner. Even in modern entertainment it's rare. At the same time, the story doesn't feel like it's dark just for the sake of being dark, which is great. Darkness and angst are purposefully used to create a compelling character for Evaughn and it isn't just thrown around to force a reaction out of the reader.
Many times, an author will do one of the following: 1) Go too dark, 2) Shy away from darkness. This story strikes a balance between the two. I would say it's significantly darker than most stories on Wattpad, but as I mentioned earlier, it's there when it needs to be there, and there are still spikes of hope, mainly through Luka's character. His personality brings a sense of comfort to certain scenes, and it also made for a wholesome moment near the beginning of the story when Evaughn and Luka were interacting at the party.
I typically don't like getting into endings because I want to encourage anyone reading this to go read the story and find out for themselves. For that reason, I'm not going to spoil anything, but I do like how the first book concluded. It wrapped up some core character arcs (mainly Dimitri) but left enough open for a sequel to be possible. I wouldn't call it a major cliffhanger, but it definitely leaves a lot of suspense behind and sets up book two well.
Neo is very hate-able, but I think that's a good thing. Sometimes we need a hate-able character that enrages us every time they're on screen, and this story succeeds at doing that. His actions are always brutal and described in such a way that it was easy to imagine albeit hard to read. However, I think that sense of realism was necessary to convey the themes in the story, and due to that, the themes were elevated. Neo, as much as I may dislike him (as I'm sure everyone does), is a challenging antagonist that poses a real threat to the main cast. And perhaps the thing I like most is he provides both a mental and physical threat for Evaughn.
In general, the antagonists in this all play different roles that make them stand out. They're not all completely hate-able, and some of them are even sympathetic at times. For example, Dimitri. Him and Neo are the two I would immediately think of if you were to ask me about the antagonists, and although Dimitri was undeniably a bad person who did awful things, there were a lot of moments that gave him more complexity. Neo is like the hate-able villain while Dimitri is the one you end up feeling bad about hating. Well, maybe not completely because what he did to Evaughn was pretty messed up regardless, but the layers added make him more understandable, even if we don't agree with his actions.
The environments throughout the narrative are quite interesting. The first thing that comes to mind is the party scene early in the story, but also the scene where Evaughn and Dimitri share a special moment near the end. Environment plays a major role in how the story is told, and I think that was a great decision. The more we can connect with what's going on around the characters, the easier it is to immerse ourselves in the scene and visualize what's happening. By extension, that makes it easier to imagine what the characters are doing, which allows us to connect to them more.
Overall, I liked Evaughn. I think he was a good protagonist with a heavy backstory and complex motivations. I particularly liked your explanation about Evaughn's sexuality and how he doesn't even really think about it, it's more just what happened in the moment rather than a strictly defined part of Evaughn. I did pick up on that, but having the author come out and say that was the intention was a nice detail.
This is a smaller thing but it does add to the presentation and feel of the story. I liked the chapter titles. Typically I really hate when things are intentionally lowercase. It feels really unsatisfying to me; however, it fits in this story. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for or not, but considering Evaughn is the protagonist, the usage of lowercase for the chapter titles feels dehumanizing, which ties into Evaughn's story and is a subtle way to connect the readers more with the protagonist.
Even if that wasn't intended, it doesn't change how the lowercase feels small. That's the point of lowercase: it's small. It makes Evaughn feel small even though he has no idea the chapter titles are lowercase.
Maybe this was just an aesthetical preference on your part, but I think, intentionally or not, it added to the themes of the story, and it also set the reader up (whether they knew it or not) for Evaughn's character.
The chapter titles themselves were interesting too. I especially liked the one "skin(n.) the equivalent of maggots." Many of the chapter titles stood out to me. Seeing as I'm not someone to notice things like that, it is a really strong point of the story when someone who forgets chapter titles within 0.5 seconds not only remembers them but likes them. So good job with the story's presentation!
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What Didn't Work:
There were some errors with the dialogue tags, particularly with how they are punctuated and some of the words you used.
Sometimes you use words like "smiled" as dialogue tags when that is not a tag, that is an action. Dialogue tags relate specifically to speech. You can't smile words, therefore words like "smiled" and "laughed" don't make sense to use as tags.
Sometimes you use full phrases as tags, which is grammatically incorrect. From chapter 1: "Sure," Evaughn bumped his fist with the apple in hand.
The comma after "Sure" implies the next part of the sentence is going to be a tag when it's not, which is why I'm saying it comes off as a dialogue tag even though it's an action, not a tag.
While it was more noticeable in earlier chapters, it did continue throughout the entirety of the first book. For example, from the chapter "and he who follows it," there's this: "Don't mention it," Damien shook his head.
Like I mentioned earlier, thanks to the usage of the comma, it makes the Damien shook his head part look like a dialogue tag when it is not a tag but rather an action.
There were also times where you'd end dialogue with a period even when you have a tag. If you're using a tag, the dialogue cannot end in a period. Tags are continuations of the dialogue, not a new sentence, which means they need punctuation other than a period. For example, from the chapter "where does stupid end," "That's not what I meant. I'm more than happy to help." He said.
It should be: "That's not what I meant. I'm more than happy to help," he said.
Your tense is consistent throughout, but for some reason, the word spit is always put in present tense when you're writing in past tense. It should be spat. It's really just that word, so I was a bit confused about why that word in particular was put in present tense. I'm not sure if that's an editing error or something else I'm not aware of, but I thought I'd bring it to your attention either way since it was consistently put in present tense.
I'm not a huge fan of the fourth wall break. It feels very random in a story otherwise grounded by reality. I understand what you were going for with the whole creator thing, but it just feels very jarring and I feel there were different ways to accomplish the concept you were going for without resorting to a fourth wall break.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, in a story covering such deep topics, the fourth wall break for only Celine when she already has so many dark topics surrounding her feels like you were trying to do too much with one person. I can respect how many ideas you had for this story, but for me, the fourth wall break just felt a little off, especially when this story already has so much going on, throwing in the fourth wall break adds an, in my opinion, unnecessary layer. And if I'm not mistaken, I think it only happens once, which makes it feel like a mistake more than an intentional story element.
In the future, I would recommend considering how much you're doing with one character and making sure if you add a new story element as monumental as a fourth wall break, then maybe make it a little clearer and more consistent.
This isn't necessarily a flaw, more a warning, but I caution you to be careful with how many coincidences are in your story, especially those that impact the plot in such a huge way.
Luka, the person who is nice to Evaughn, also happens to be the son of someone heavily involved in Evaughn's case. Dimitri, Evaughn's biggest bully, happens to be the son of Celine, happens to have been the one who saw Evaughn back when he was six, and also happens to be the one assigned to take Evaughn before he turns eighteen.
Most of the people in Evaughn's life happen to be connected to Neo in some way, and considering they're teenagers, it can come off as unrealistic at times, mostly considering they aren't just people Evaughn happens to know, they're people who are significant figures in his life who also happen to be connected to his uncle. Based on their POVs, especially Dimitri's, it doesn't seem like this was planned where the people who play significant roles in Evaughn's life inserted themselves into his life because they're important. It is coincidental.
I can understand if you were going for the "Neo controls every part of Evaughn's life" theme, but just be careful about how much of that comes down to coincidence.
While I don't think it's a problem since there aren't too many coincidences, and coincidences happen in real life so it's not a huge deal to use them in stories as long as they don't happen too often, I do caution you for future stories to consider how much happens based on chance. Like I mentioned earlier, based on Dimitri and Luka's POVs, it's clear their relationship to Evaughn also impacting their relationship with their parents is purely coincidental, which is why I'm bringing it up. Unless I missed or misinterpreted something, that's what it came across as.
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Summary:
- The dark topics are handled with maturity
- Luka brings light into the story
- The ending of book one is solid
- The antagonists are good
- On the opposite end, the protagonist is good
- The environments interact with the narrative well
- The chapter titles are intriguing and I like the usage of lowercase
- Try not to use actions as dialogue tags
- Some tag errors
- The fourth wall break feels a little jarring
- Be careful with how many coincidences make up the core of the plot; it's not a problem for this story, but it is something to keep in mind for the future
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Overall:
Evaughn is a heavy story not for the faint of heart; however, the themes are important and interesting, and they are treated with the respect and maturity they need. If you are someone who enjoys dark thrillers, then I would recommend this to you.
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Thank you for submitting your story. I hope this is helpful, and please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews!