Intro:
Glowing Embers was written by rustling_wings. It is a Harry Potter fanfiction that follows Ember Selwyn on a journey through Hogwarts. She was once a homeschooled kid who is now entering the magical school as a fourth year. She quickly meets Harry Potter and the rest of the gang, and from there, the plot thickens.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
Man oh man has it been a while since I read a HP story. I was super excited going into this since I've been meaning to return to the HP franchise, and I was not disappointed. Perhaps the thing you do best is capture the magical feel of the Harry Potter world. Every character feels super distinct and there is so much flavor packed into the world.
The writing style feels very energetic and alive; I can tell you have a lot of passion for this story and took a lot of time to write it. I appreciate your effort to bring us your creative ideas since I really enjoyed reading this.
Oh my gosh, this is the second time almost in a row that I've found an author who knows what a prologue is. There is a major difference between a prologue and a chapter, and you actually have a proper prologue. So few authors, especially on Wattpad, know the difference between a prologue and first chapter. It may seem like a small thing to praise, but I really appreciate that you know the difference and wrote a proper prologue!
Okay, okay, moving into the more serious side of the review, I think the prologue was very good. It did a great job establishing tension and setting the scene for the future of the narrative. There were high emotions and clear set up for the future of the story.
This is a tiny thing, but I wanted to point it out nonetheless. I love the title. It may seem simple on the surface, but it foreshadows the story. Glowing Embers because Ember literally has secrets and power inside her that is yet to be revealed. It's an interesting play on words that also makes for an attractive title!
I love the way you portray Hermione in this. She's super engaging and fun, and you capture her energy very well. I like how you let her show her emotions here and there, and I can't wait to see where you take her next.
Something I also really love is how you gave Neville a lot of spotlight in this. Neville is super underrated, and seeing him not only make an appearance, but a significant one, made my heart happy. He's written well, and I especially enjoyed the scenes where he was scared and shy. That sounds really awful now that I put it like that, but I mean that I liked the way you described his emotions, not that I like seeing him scared and shy 😭😭😭 I probably could have worded that better-
Anyway.
The plot is engaging so far. I like Ember's role in the story, and I actually like how the focus is less on Harry and more on the other characters like Ember, Hermione, and Neville. It makes the plot feel more unique. Not that there's anything wrong with Harry having a prominent role, but having the beginning chapters focus a lot on those three gives us time to see how they play into this larger role that typically Harry Potter himself is the center of. It was a nice change of pace.
The worldbuilding is great. Earlier I mentioned how you capture the feel of Harry Potter well, and that is not only due to the energetic writing style, but also the way the world is described. I can tell you paid close attention to detail while writing these scenes since all the educational moments where we're being taught the details about the world and how the magic works are super in-depth and have lots of layers to them.
Along with that, you take the time to describe the environments and incorporate part of the five senses to bring them to life. It makes the scenes feel much more alive when we get to use our senses to place ourselves in the story.
In general, the description in the story is pretty solid and does a good job setting the stage and describing the characters. I'm glad you didn't shy away from describing what the characters look like even though you're writing in a pre-established universe. Many authors writing fanfic tend to shy away from describing the characters, so I'm glad you didn't.
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What Didn't Work:
Dialogue tags are done incorrectly. When you're using dialogue tags, they should always be lowercase unless they are a proper noun, and the dialogue can end with anything other than a period. Dialogue tags should either be before the dialogue or after it, not above or below it.
This is a proper dialogue tag:
"I missed you," he said.
From chapter 3, "I'm starting this year. " she said with equal enthusiasm.
It should be: "I'm starting this year," she said with equal enthusiasm.
So, here are some examples of proper dialogue tags for your reference:
"How are you?" he asked.
"Where are you going?!" she shouted.
"I'm back," she said.
"Hi there," Jungkook said.
Jungkook is the only one capitalized because it is the only proper noun.
While on the topic of dialogue, make sure every line spoken by a new person is given its own paragraph. So, instead of: "Hey," Raven said. "Hi," Jimin said.
It should be:
"Hey," Raven said.
"Hi," Jimin said.
There are excess spaces in the story around quotation marks. From the prologue, " I don't fear you Avery!" Do you see the extra space between the " and the I?
What it should be: "I don't fear you, Avery!"
The example I gave for dialogue tags (from chapter 3) is another example of the spacing errors.
The extra space isn't necessary. Quotation marks should be right next to the first and final word in dialogue. So, for example, "I missed you," he said. That would be proper punctuation and spacing for a line of dialogue. I hope that makes sense.
Be careful with repetitive word choice. For example, from the prologue, "shone" and "lights" are used quite often. I would recommend switching up the word choice to make the sentences feel more unique from one another, and also to keep the readers more engaged.
This is a small thing, but I would recommend using less exclamation marks. They're telling over showing and, more often than not, are unnecessary. Your descriptions do a good job setting the scene and establishing emotional stakes, so some of the exclamation marks in the story feel a bit out of place. I'd recommend using them very carefully since using them too much can make them lose their effect.
The only chapter I didn't particularly care for was chapter 2. I liked the ending where Ember is imagining her mom there with her; that was a very sweet and necessary moment. The part I didn't like was the first half since it was all exposition. The pacing felt a bit too slow, in my opinion. The prologue started with intense action that set the stakes, then chapter 1 slowed down and gave us character information and some exposition, then chapter 2 was a lot more exposition.
I think the train scene is necessary, but I feel some of the exposition could have been cut out or, at the very least, moved to later chapters and/or tied in with Ember leaving, that way the plot is still moving while you're giving us exposition. The story comes to a stand still when you're giving us all that exposition, which is why it slowed the pacing so much.
It's early in the story, so it's hard for me to give much criticism about the plot and characters yet; however, I would like to see more of the relationship between Hermione and Ember. I feel this is a huge opportunity to explore the emotional side of Hermione and her struggles since Ember and her can relate on something the others don't understand.
I'm sure you have that planned already since they do interact a bit in the published chapters, which is why I'm cautious to say that at all, but I hope that helps steer you in the right direction.
Lastly, I would like to get to know Ember more. As I mentioned above, it's still very early so I'm saying all this without knowing what you have planned for her. She's interesting, but I would like to see some of her core character flaws. So far, she's very good at everything and even surpassing other students who are known for their intelligence, such as Hermione. For that reason, I would definitely like to see some more defined character flaws in the future chapters.
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Summary:
- Good job capturing the Harry Potter feel
- Solid prologue
- Engaging plot
- Neville, Ember, and Hermione are great so far
- Descriptive worldbuilding
- Energetic writing style
- Grammar errors (dialogue tags, excess spaces, dialogue formatting)
- Some overuse of exposition in chapter 2
- Consider doing more character work for Ember and Hermione
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Overall:
Glowing Embers is a fun book that came out recently, so now's a good time to get into it. It features an entertaining cast of characters and a great depiction of the HP world. If you're a Harry Potter fan and are looking for something fresh, then this is the perfect story for you.
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Thank you for submitting your story. My inner Potterhead came out a bit while reading. I haven't read many HP fanfics even though I've been on ff websites for a decade now, so I'm super glad I got a chance to read one. I've read maybe five in my entire time as an online writer, which is insane considering how much I like HP.
I hope you continue writing this story since I'm excited to see where it goes next!
Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews.