─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
chapter 9: lilacs
content warnings: talk of death
3:47 my phone screen read. god damn. it was almost impossible to sleep these days; only getting the kind of sleep where your brain doesn't turn off. my eyes just feel like they're closed until my alarm goes off, or i wake up in the middle of the night. like tonight.
getting out of bed, i made my way into the kitchen in desperate need of water. eren sat on one of the island stools; not doing anything. sleep still clouded my memory, i had forgotten about the wistful mood i had gone to sleep on. probably why i was extra restless tonight. i knew he was intent on keeping his bodyguard status, but i couldn't believe he was still here.
he turned his head in my direction, oncing me over to make sure i didn't break all my bones in my sleep somehow. grabbing a cup from the cabinet, i filled it up with ice. "you do know you can't just follow me around forever, right," i asked , turning on the tap water. "i mean you can't really think it's logical?"
his face lightly frowned, but he kept his features in check. i was so tired of him trying to control everything; it wasn't impossible to decipher him, but it took too much overthinking. "i know," he met my eyes before going back to watching my motions intently. "once i know my brother's back at home, we'll go back to normal," normal, huh.
eren's version of normal was not eerily standing in my apartment all night. my version was eren going back to ignoring me; clipping conversation even when it was necessary. suddenly, being constantly faced with my feelings was more desirable. i scoffed, "whatcha gonna do about food?" i chucked at myself, treating the situation as a joke.
looking almost disgusted i had brought it up, he was quick to avert his eyes from my body entirely. "i don't need yours," he provided me with no information. i wasn't stupid; i knew that. but i hadn't really thought about where he got blood from.
there were no strange disappearances or unsolved murders, so someone had to be giving him blood willingly. right? jealousy sparked deep in my stomach; i gripped my cup tighter as a response. my knuckles turned white at the thought of him drinking from another girl's neck. my grip tightened further at the thought of him licking at the cut to heal it.
i made my way back to my room swiftly. in the same manner i had just a few hours ago. "in that case, i hope you're gone by morning." behind my closed door, i took deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself. i gulped the water in a few swallows, but none of it worked. how much longer were things going to be like this?
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
"the bitches are texting," i called to jean, holding his phone in the air. he angrily stormed over to me, "give it," he demanded, but i let him have his phone back easily. he scanned over the screen, a small smile forming on his face. i poked his leg with my foot, "oh my god, the bitches are texting!"
he was quick to put his phone in his pocket. i laughed at his reaction, but it made me all the more curious. "you're not gonna tell me?" i exaggerated my frown. he rolled his eyes, "it's the girl from the lake. the one i talked to with armin," playboy jean was uncomfortable talking about it. his cheeks were slightly pink, and he rubbed the side of his arm.
"the lake?! jeans that's like over three months!" i stared at him in shock. jean was one to brag about all the attention he got; if he kept this quiet, it was probably getting serious. really, it just reminded me how long things with eren haven't been the same for.
the front door to jean's dorm opened up, revealing connie. speak of the devil. "wassup pussies!" he obnoxiously yelled. i covered my laugh with my hand; jean had just told me they got another noise complaint. sasha was right behind him, i could roughly make out armin's blonde hair somewhere in the doorway. in my distraction, connie had hopped onto my lap. he cupped my cheeks in his hands, sloppily pressing his lips against mine.
i shoved my hands into his chest, "what the fuck!" i yelled; another noise complaint is coming jean's way. "you nasty fuck!" i continued, wiping my mouth as connie fell off my lap onto the ground right below the couch. his bald head made a bang on the impact, "argh!" he yelled out in pain.
jean came over, lifting him up by his armpits, "will you guys shut up!" he whisper-yelled, pointing his free hand in my face. "how is this my fault! con-man just violated me!" i matched jean's tone of voice. with that, jean pulled his hand back, smacking connie in the back of the head. the sound boomed in the room, and connie fell to his knees. "oh, that ricocheted!" mikasa laughed out at connie's pain.
she stood right behind me, patting the top of my head in a hello. i smiled up at her before looking over at sasha. she awkwardly stood across the room, looking at mika. i knew sasha's facial expression well; she was a bit jealous at the contact. smirking at her, i wiggled my brows, catching her attention.
armin extended his hand out to connie, offering to help him up. "we should probably leave. the laser tag tickets are for five," he broke all of us out of our trances. armin locked eyes with me, "you have the alcohol, right?" he couldn't keep the smirk off of his face.
i slid the bottle of vodka halfway out of my bag, "couldn't forget," i giggled, already having a shot flowing through me.
"you guys, suck," jean groaned, knowing he was the designated driver, "let's go!" he made his way out of his dorm. getting up from my spot on the couch, i noticed eren by the front door. my neck jerked back in surprise. he failed to make eye contact with anyone in the room; he was completely zoned out of the conversation. why was he even here?
for the past couple of months, eren had gone back to how things were at the start of the semester. he was gone that morning. i figured he fixed things with his brother; or something. he sat in a different seat in literature, and he didn't hang out with anyone here. it was occasional when i saw him, and i spoke to him even less. he might've been present, but eren was more like a ghost now.
the sight of him dampened my mood. my heart picked up its pace, remembering how i had felt about him. i don't know if my feelings were still there. i pushed them down so far; knowing they would only complicate things. i was the last one to walk out the door; flooding memories made my head dizzy.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
jean tightened the laser tag vest around me, "lookin' snazzy," he commented. "i feel snazzy," i lied. the crewneck i wore bunched up slightly under the vest, making my chest felt compacted. maybe i would regret dressing warmer, but the weather was rainy and windy so i didn't take any chances. i also wore a pair of well broken in jeans; i'd be able to move around easily in them.
sasha stood next to me, her face pink from the alcohol. we took shots in our car, mikasa and armin took them right outside of the arcade. it was still calculating in their systems, but connie and us were right on the verge of drunk. eren skipped out, keeping his stature.
our group from the car was all bunched together, mikasa, eren and armin were a few paces separate from us. "so teams.." mikasa started, looking around. armin was still fixing his vest, eren looked like he was forced to be here.. he probably was. "you three are way too overpowered," jean started, panning his pointed finger at the group of thee.
"yeah, no way am i getting stuck with two dumbasses," i motioned to connie and sasha, before giving her back a push to mikasa's side. i had to hide my smile at her surprised expression. just making things easier for her. armin frowned, "you still have one dumbass, it's uneven," he locked eyes with eren. a small smile appeared on his face as he began to talk again, "eren go even it out," he commanded.
sasha's mouth fell open, "what? how is it fair they get the extra person," she talked over mikasa's body to armin. i responded for him, "because mika is easily ten people. you're pretty much guaranteed to win, stop complaining." my words almost started to slur. one more shot and i would be done for. armin started to waver his position slightly; it was finally hitting him.
armin and jean went to enter the names on the game board, i couldn't keep my eyes off of eren. his eye bags had returned in full force. i wondered if he had even fed since... his tied back hair showed the hollows of his cheeks, and his vest made him look skinnier. like he had lost some weight to his body. his face lacked any sort of emotion, even boredom. my heart sank into my stomach at the sight. i didn't know what to do; i felt completely useless. i couldn't decide if my presence made things worse or better for him. don't be stupid, i reminded myself, i doubt it makes any difference.
"you guys ready?" jean asked, having all the names on the screen in the entryway. affirmations were yelled around the room, but i couldn't force myself to respond. seeing eren like that instantly sucked the life out of everything. each of the doors opened to a different side of the laser tag arena. jean gave my shoulder a push before running past me. i knew this game was going to be full of tryhards.
we quickly spread out across the obstacles, but connie trailed me, using me as a shield. "connie!" i whispered, "fuck you! go get jean to cover you," i peered out from the wall, searching for the red lights of the opposite team. connie was at my back now, doing the same, "no way, he gets mad when i do that!" he was less cautious about keeping his voice down.
"wonder why!" keeping my knees bent, i moved away from him but he continued on my path. spotting sasha, i brought the laser gun above the railing in front of me; getting a chest shot, "aha!" i yelled as sasha pouted.
i brought my torso up, raising a fist in the air when armin shot me, disabling my gun. i feigned a look of disbelief with my mouth hung open. "damn armin!" i look just like sasha now. connie popped his gun over the ledge now, getting a shot on armin. he was quick to scurry away, "come on!" he motioned his arm for me to follow.
my light started flashing again before coming on completely. i spotted jean from my higher vantage point, getting disabled by mikasa. she was quick to hurl her body over the obstacle in front of her. she hadn't spotted me yet; i aimed for her vest and the shot hit. i ducked before she could spot me; knowing i'd be fucked when her vest wasn't disabled. in my hiding spot, sasha snuck up on me, disabling me once again, "karma's a bitch!" she chucked, scattering away. connie wasn't by me anymore, so i trailed her until my vest was lit up again.
it was easy to score another point that way; but it didn't last for long as mikasa made a shot at me, almost entirely on the other side of the area. i groaned out, i fucking suck at laser tag. giggling could be heard echoing from obstacles, but it was covered by the sound of the alarm blaring; announcing that this round was over. i spotted jean going toward the doors, i pushed my gun into him after catching up.
he looked frightened; head still in the game, before his face softened. "bet i got first," he gave me a cocky smirk. "i have no objections," other than mikasa, of course, jean had always been good at laser tag. he was pretty much good at everything.
looking at the leaderboard, i was second on the blue team. jean was first, no surprise there, with connie third, and eren fourth with no points. sasha was last on her team, but she still managed to rack up a few points. "aw sash, look at your tiny number!" i teased her, and she hid her face in her hands with embarrassment.
"at least it is a number, eren did you even try?" jean ridiculed him. "fuckin handicapped us!" he muttered, but eren gave a faint twitch of a smile, "so mad over a kiddy game," he lifted his hand to give jean a pretty heavy whack on the back.
we could all feel the tension in the air, looking around to gauge each other's reactions. somehow, the tension between eren and jean seemed to just get worse and worse.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
jean and armin's shoulders bumped into mine with the restless moving around us. rico's diner was a hotspot around campus. i couldn't begin to count the late nights i spent here freshman year; none of them included eren, though. he probably spent the same amount of time here as i had, and it was confirmed by hannes.
"i heard you were here!" hannes strolled over to our overly packed table. eren blinked up at him; barely giving him acknowledgement. hannes didn't seem that bothered, approaching him and placing a hand on his head. "don't be so gloomy!" he took his hand, rolling eren's head around. he pushed himself under the table slightly, pulling his hand away, "you have issues," he snipped with an angry face.
giggling slipped through our table; happy at the sight. it was the most emotion he had shown all night. "mm so do all of you," he glanced around the table, pointing at us, "you're all drunk!" hannes belly laughed. "i'm not!" jean exclaimed like it would have gotten him brownie points. hannes shot him a glare from the side of his eye, "cheer up eren; or i'm kicking all of you out!" his tone was joking, but we knew he was serious. it wouldn't be the first time.
he made his leave, tauntingly patting eren on the back. "fucking eren," jean sighed, "the reason we lost every round." the table quieted down; the air quickly became stiff. it had been like this all night; jean trying to get a rise out of eren's lackluster.
"jean-boy such a sore loser!" sasha mocked him, "should we call mommy to console you?" the two bickered across the table. armin nudged my arm, grabbing my attention to the napkin origami he made in the ruckus. i laughed at him, "do mine!" i shoved my napkin his way. i watched him fold the corners in but my attention was dragged away by a milkshake being placed in front of me.
"yay!" i was quick to take the paper around the straw off, shoving it into the thick liquid. "everyone else ordered actual food y/n," jean sighed at me.
"yeah, duh, i'm just gonna eat your fries!" i took one off his plate, dipping it into my milkshake. "ooh gimme!" sasha yelled from three spots over. sliding it to her, she grabbed another one of jean's fries, even though she had a plate of her own. connie did the same; adding a handful from jean's plate onto his. "you guys can't be serious," he complained, trying to tuck his plate away from us.
eren reached in between his hands, grabbing a fry too, "thanks jean!" he feigned sweetness, exaggerating his bite. jean's face turned red in anger, and he clamped his fists shut. hannes must've brought this side out, but i wasn't complaining. in the weeks following those events, i tried not to look at him. it just reminded me how things were between us. i had to drag my eyes off him. seeing him like this reminded me of what couldn't be.
"armin, you're good at chemistry," i interrupted my own thoughts. he turned to me, confused, "yes.."
"you should tutor jean.. get him off my ass," i added, fueling jean's angry state. he shoved his hand into my ribs, "ow!" i flinched inward, massaging the skin so it wouldn't leave a mark. mikasa started laughing, "no way!" she lightly leaned into sasha, who was pouring alcohol into my milkshake. i was quick to steal it back from her.
armin scrunched his features in disgust, "yeah, no way. already tried that last year," he leaned over me to glare at jean. he shook his head, face red as a tomato, "i said i was sorry armin."
another laugh bubbled in my throat, "what'd you do jean-boy?" i asked, but he didn't respond. "he stole my physiology paper and just turned it in. dumbass forgot to change the name," armin said with a bite, obviously still bitter over it. i gasped, "jean! you asshole!" sasha flicked one of her fries at his forehead. it ricocheted off him, landing in my lap. "ew!" i threw it back to sasha, who continued flinging it around the table.
it was then that eren got up from his place, swinging his legs over the back of the table next to us to get out. he said nothing as he walked toward the entrance doors. we all quieted down, moods all falling. even jean's shoulders slumped. "y/n, can you go check on him?" mikasa asked me, but she didn't phrase it like i had any other options.
"um.. are you sure it should be me? he rea-" i tripped over my words, but armin cut me off, "better you than anyone else," he encouraged. i was unsure as i got up, feet not walking in a straight line. looking back to the table, they were all engaged in conversation again. i was hesitant to exit the restaurant. i don't know why they thought i should check on him; if anything he responded to my presence the worst out of everyone. i didn't want to be the reason he leaves again.
the restaurant lights lit up a few feet in front of me; but the darkness crawled over the treeline eren was walking too, "eren," i softly called, but his pace didn't stutter. "you guys are loud," he spoke without moving his head, so his voice was somewhat muffled by the direction of the wind.
i laughed, catching up to him. "supersonic hearing?" i joked, but the glare he shot me told me i wasn't entirely wrong. my laugh died down immediately. he paused his walking, glancing me up and down, "don't follow me." my brain told me to go back into the diner, but my feet just wouldn't move that way.
"can't. there's dangerous and scary things in the woods," i kept my tone light.
"shouldn't i be saying that to you?" his face was blank as he continued walking forward. there was a path cut into the forest, but it was hard to make out. like it wasn't regularly used. i followed right behind him, unable to make myself turn back. eren didn't either; just accepting my presence. it seemed like the more time away from him i spent, the more i wanted to be near him when i got the chance. the feelings i tried so hard to push down were slowly bubbling back to the surface.
the 'path' was narrow, and it was like an obstacle course, pushing branches up and down to make my way through. eren had less trouble, getting pretty far ahead of me. he wasn't demanding i turn back, but he wasn't making it any easier to follow him.
it was leading us downward, and i could no longer make out eren. the darkness was overwhelming, i shouldn't have followed him, i was critical in my head, but still i made no move to turn back. it would be easy enough to, but my body refused it, trying to catch back up. below me, the ground was darker, getting cut off by a drop, did he really go this way?
sitting down on the ledge, i attempted to scoot myself down. there was nothing close below me, until my foot was grabbed. i jerked back, not being able to make out anything in the dark. my heart was beating so fast i could feel the throb in my fingertips. eren's laugh rang out around me, "dangerous and scary you said?" his voice was cold even with his incessant laughing.
he placed his hands on each of my ankles, making himself more known. "jump," the command came easy, and i didn't second guess it. i threw the rest of my body off the ledge, and eren moved his hands from my ankles to around my ribcage.
he caught me seamlessly, hanging on to my body longer than he needed to. i found myself breathing in the scent i knew he didn't have; but being close to him was innately comforting. my body noticed his absence as soon as he moved away. "weren't you asking me to stop following you not too long ago?" he continued down the path.
my face heated, and i was glad he couldn't see it in the dark, "different. you're walking into some random woods," i argued. now, i felt stupid for insisting he leave me alone. the months of his absence taught me that i would rather have unreciprocated feelings than feel his absence everywhere.
"they're not random." i didn't say anything, hoping he would take my silence as a sign to continue. "i used to smoke here." the woods were so dense in this part, the moonlight couldn't reach it. i felt eren's finger wrap around one of mine; guiding me through the rest of the forest. "you grew up out here?" the more time i spent with him, the more it seemed like he'd lived here forever.
"no; i found this freshman year," i still hadn't figured out what 'this' was. his tone was still cold, even though he was acknowledging me. he was sparse in his answer and i knew i couldn't ask any more. "you grew up in rose?" he was confident in his assumption; it barely sounded like a question.
"mm not really. i moved there in high school after my mom.." the topic seemed too hefty to continue in casual conversation, "i actually lived in liberio for most of my childhood." eren stilled at the mention of my mom.
"she died?" again he phrased the question like it was fact. i furrowed my brows; why was he acting like he knew me? "no. she left my freshman year. me and my dad moved to rose. fresh start or something."
eren stilled again, breathing coming to a halt, finger wrapping around mine even tighter as he continued to make a way for us down the path. "she left us way before then, though. always searching for something 'more to life' she'd say. it wasn't really a surprise," i chuckled with no humor. why was i telling eren? i covered my mouth with my free hand, trying to prevent any more word vomit from coming out.
i popped my head over eren's broad shoulders to see ahead. the vegetation looked less dense, and the moonlight peeked through. he picked up the pace, but was still careful of his footing on the slope. it seemed to go downhill at a steeper rate.
in the clearing, there was a small pond outlined with rocks; a bigger one overlooked the entrance to the pond, a creek that flowed into it. "nice smoke spot," i downplayed, looking around at the lilacs around me, there were only a few bushes, but they still held a few blooms, "how are they still alive?" i asked mostly to myself, poking a few of the blossoms.
"i'm told it's a mermaid pond," he smirked at me, going over to the biggest rock. i took one of the smaller pebbles, chucking it at him. "ow!" he yelped dramatically, splashing the water towards me. "don't!" i scrutinized, "it's cold!"
eren removed a blunt from his jacket pocket, and a lighter from another. i sat next to him, but kept my distance, "didn't you drive here?" i noticed him spark up the blunt. he took a big inhale before passing it to me, "you haven't noticed i don't get affected by anything?" he asked with blatant oblivion towards me.
i furrowed my brows in confusion, i had noticed. "then why are you smoking it," i took a hit of my own, but it was much smaller. it had been a while since i last smoked, anyway. eren was quick to take it back, "mind your own," i giggled at him; taking another deep inhale. his cheeks and jawline became even more hollow, reminding me how sick he looked.
"aren't you hungry?" i motioned to his eye bags; what i figured were a sign he hadn't fed recently. "yes," he was quick to answer. "do you wa-" his next answer came even quicker, "no. not from you.. not anymore." his words stung me. i couldn't understand the distance he was so desperate to put between us; but i hated having it. "is there something wrong with my blood?"
he huffed a humorless laugh before shooting me a glare, "we're not talking about this."
"we never do," i sighed. i was always chasing and pestering him for answers. what would happen if i just stopped entirely? he brought the blunt directly in front of my face. he held it steady as i cupped my lips around it, inhaling for more than i could probably handle. unclasping my mouth, i saw eren's hand twitch slightly.
"why are you here?" his question caught me off guard. the coldness still laced in his voice was another hit to my heart. maybe he could see it, he rephrased, "at sina." my brows were still furrowed in confusion. i knew continuing conversation would just hurt me more in the long run, but i couldn't resist.
shrugging my shoulders, "it's pretty," i looked up at the sky. the stars were mostly covered by clouds and the tops of trees. "and it's far enough away from home." eren didn't respond to take; just took another deep inhale, like he was hoping it might kick in. "why are you?"
he gave the same shrug i did, "it just kind of called to me," another puff. "no, i meant why are you still here. why come back?" i tried not to sound harsh. phrasing it like that might tip-toe around the actual reason why he left. he might just answer my questions if i'm not probing them.
handing the blunt back over, he looked into my eyes. we stared at each other even when i raised the blunt to my mouth yet again. there was nothing behind his eyes; like i just happened to be in his line of sight. "to feel normal." he offered no other explanation as to what 'normal' was. "do you?" the weed was starting to affect me; i was starting to see things philosophically.
"i'm smoking weed i don't even feel," he snatched it away from me. i couldn't keep the giggle down. grabbing his chin, i turned his head toward me. his eyes gleamed with confusion, but his features didn't even twitch in acknowledgement. "can i be honest?" the question was a curiosity; and he knew that. eren dipped his head, signaling me to continue.
"it's because you don't try," i wasn't criticizing him over it; just pointing out what i had noticed. his absence with everyone.
"i can't try to be high." i removed my grip from his chin, lightly smacking his cheek, "i'm not talking about that." my eyes rolled into my head. his gaze shifted back towards the water; he didn't respond. soon enough the blunt was finished. he threw it into the pond; ripples followed throughout the water. "litterer," i muttered.
pushing himself off the rock, he made his way back to the path we came in through. i was unsteady on my feet; trying to adjust to the high. my feet tripped and snapped the twigs below me; eren turned around at that. heaving a sigh, he retraced his steps, turning his back to me. "come on," his voice was bored.
it was easy enough to grab his shoulders from my leverage point. pushing my body up, my legs made contact with his torso, wrapping around it. his hands came beneath my knees to hold me steady; he was careful not to work them up too high.
i couldn't stop myself from playing with his hair while he walked. it was still in a bun, but if i pulled on the hairs that fell out, his grip tightened on my legs. "hey eren?" i asked figuratively. he grumbled in response.
"are we gonna go back to not talking after tonight?" the thought stirred in me, knowing we were closer to the edge of the treeline. he took a minute to think, "probably," he let out a breath with the answer. i was unsure of how to read his tone. the alcohol was ebbing out of my system, but the new high overtook it's place. "i don't want that," my voice was low; i barely heard it come out of my mouth.
eren stopped in his tracks, tightening the grip around my legs, "you can't be around me." i could feel his head slightly shake back and forth. "i'm around you right now? a month ago you were following me around because you thought it was the only way i'd be safe. so how is ignoring each other better?"
"you don't understand the situation." i brought one of my criss-crossed arms to tilt his cheek; preventing him from staring at the dark ground around us. "i don't care about the situation. i just want.." i couldn't finish the sentence. i gripped the cloth of his jacket in my hands; not knowing what else to do with them.
another breath calmed me down, "i just want you eren. i don't care about the whole vampire thing, or whatever it entails." his eyes grew in size, like he was surprised i had actually said the word. i was surprised i said it too; it felt like someone else was talking in my body.
eren was unnervingly still; not even breathing. his grip behind my knees went lax before he eventually let go entirely. i untied my hands from his neck, so as not to choke him. he was quick to put distance between us, "you can't want me," his palms were rubbing against his forehead, back slouched. his breathing increased, "you can't-you- fuck!" if i didn't think his breathing could get any quicker, it did.
grabbing his wrists, i pulled his hands away from his face, "eren snap out of it!" his eyes were fixated on nothing. i pulled harder on his arms; trying to bring him back to reality. but he was trapped in his own head; in a panic attack. my own body started becoming frantic; so unsure of what to do.
he began taking bigger breaths, trying to calm down, "you have no idea, y/n. i should've nev-" i cut off his spiraling, "then give me an idea!" i wasn't harsh, but i was desperate. what i had said.. something in it opened eren's floodgates. i had never seen his face display such raw emotion. for the first time; it felt like i really saw eren.
"y/n i'm- i'm the reason your mom is dead." my heart stopped. when the beats picked up again, they were irregular and fast. dead? "eren, what are you talking about?" the rest of my body went numb; my hands loosed their grip on eren's wrists, slowly falling to my sides. i was frozen; but the stinging in my eyes told me tears were slipping their way out. my body was reacting before my brain could really catch on.
eren remained silent; still breathing fast and heavy. "please eren you have to tell me," my voice cracked; it was hard to push out the sentence with the lump in my throat. "how can you be sure.." i asked the next second; not giving him enough time to answer the first.
he looked into my eyes, scanning over my face, trying to gauge. i doubt my face showed anything other than pure shock, "she had a photo in her hand. it was you." his hands almost reached toward me; but be brought them back to his sides with a twitch.
"how?" my voice was even softer than before. i could only hear it because eren had collected his breathing; somewhat. i didn't understand enough; it was why i didn't feel much pain. dead was just an empty word to me right now; it had no meaning. eren's face contorted as he thought on it. his eyes were an endless void, tears springing up within his own. "the 'something more' she was looking for was vampirism. she was looking for my father."
he shuddered at whatever memories popped up in his head. "he's- he's twisted," he had a hard time getting the words out. vampirism.. that's what my mom had poured her life into. all those late nights in the office she neglected me for; neglected my dad. it was vampirism the whole fucking time.
part of me had always thought that she remarried when she left. maybe i had a sibling out there; but that wasn't the case. i had found peace with the fact that my mom had traded me for another kid.. but to trade me for a bloodsucking curse? my stomach turned upside down; i didn't know how to feel about anything anymore. feeling ebbed back into my system; causing the tears to come out faster. my breathing became choppy as my face contorted.
eren reached out, again deciding not to touch me. "if it was your father then you aren't the reason she's dead, eren." i met his eyes. they were glossy, already turning red. for the news he dropped on me, i felt calmer than i should be. maybe it's the high.
his breathing stilled, "i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i never intended to even meet you.. but it just happened."
"well you did. and there's nothing you can do about it now," my voice broke, another tear slipping past. i felt it drag down my face, getting caught in my lip, "but it doesn't- this doesn't change the way i feel about you. and maybe i'm fucked up for that but i don't care."
it was definitely the high. but was i really supposed to let eren's dad change my opinion on him? my feelings on him? i would have to figure out why eren felt like it was his fault, but for now i had my mom's death to grieve. suddenly; being absent and being dead felt like two very different things. how long has she been truly gone for?
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───