17 November 2015 Nevermind Anniversary 🦋
17 November 2023 Stuck with you Jimin ❣️🦋
!!! DOT TATTOO THEORY ALERT !!!
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* Not every battlefield is covered in blood. Mine was covered with thoughts. There are not visible bleeding wounds in every battle. I was bleeding from the cracks of my soul. *
-TMY
2018 December, from Yoongi's narration
I blurted out a few curse words, ignoring the people staring at me. Jimin was gone in front of my eyes with tears in his eyes. He misunderstood me. He completely misunderstood me because I couldn't say to him, "I'm in love with you, I adore you."
For days, I thought about how I should start my conversation with him. I rummaged through every recess in my brain to choose thoughtful words that would make him understand everything without judgment.
He misunderstood me because I told him from the beginning what I should have told him last. Actually, I wanted to start by telling him how the battles inside me started, I wanted him to understand how the thoughts in my mind affect my emotions and behaviours and how I got trapped. But having him in front of me and constantly looking into my eyes was a miracle that made me reset my mind and body. His eyes were very beautiful.
When he was in front of me, my most primitive emotions were taking my mind hostage, and my body was reacting against it. I couldn't resist him. When I was with him, I didn't want to hide anything from him, and I always wanted to tell everything as it was. My efforts to get some control over this situation were unsuccessful. I wish Jimin knew how I felt when he stood in front of me. I felt like jelly. I would do whatever he told me. "Come Yoongi." I would go. "Go Yoongi." I would go. "Look at me, Yoongi." I would always be looking at him anyway.
But I couldn't shout out what was inside me and my love for him.
Angered, I took the car keys from the table and ran out of the coffee shop. It was almost raining. We were in the last days of December and there was very little time left until the new year. The terrible years of 2016, 2017... and the last months of 2018... It was a miracle to be able to be with Jimin and the others in the new year, as before.
My eyes searched for Jimin all over the street, but I couldn't find him. It was quite cold, and I couldn't guess where he was going. He must have been so angry at me that he forced me to drive with only one arm.
After getting in the car, I connected my phone to Bluetooth and called Jimin. He wasn't answering. I tried many times but couldn't reach him. Driving slowly and cautiously, I looked around at the side streets but he wasn't there. I had pain on my shoulder.
I called Namjoon and informed him. He told me to drive slowly and go home. I had no choice but to do what he said. I drove back to the street where the cafe I last went out to was located, thinking about the possibility that he might have returned there. My phone ringing at that moment made me stop. I immediately pulled over and answered the call. It was Jimin.
I could hear him sniffling as the sound of the wind filled the car.
"Where are you?" His voice was hoarse because he was crying a lot, and he was quite reproachful.
"I- I'm where you left me." I looked around but I couldn't see him. Maybe he could see that I was in the car.
"How do you plan to drive?" It wasn't hard to understand that he was walking from his frequent breaths.
''I have no choice...''
Knowing that he couldn't see me, I bowed my head and looked at my hands. The shoulder strap on my arm was taking up a lot of space. Because the weather was cold, I felt a clearer pain in my shoulder that day. This made me feel extra nervous.
I jumped when I heard the thumping sound coming from the hood of the car. Jimin held the phone to his ear with one hand and punched the hood of the car with the other to make me look at him. His eyes were red from crying and the tip of his nose was red from the cold.
"Get out of the car." He was still talking on the phone and his voice was filling in because my phone was connected to the car via Bluetooth.
After ending the call, he came towards me and opened the door. He unbuckled my seat belt and helped me out of the car, paying attention to my left shoulder. I almost cried.
''Jim-''
He opened his eyes wide and raised his eyebrows.
"I'll take you home, forget what we talked about in the cafe." He sniffed again.
After sitting in the side seat, he continued driving without speaking. Since I couldn't stand the silence, I looked at his hand in the middle. His little finger was tiny and always so cute that it melted my heart. Since I couldn't move my left arm easily, I made a great effort and wrapped my little finger around Jimin's little finger. Since he was driving, when his attention suddenly shifted to our hands, he focused on the road again. He was tiny. Jimin was as small as a chick in my arms. Especially his little finger...
I gently caressed his little finger. Jimin's fingertips always had a sweet pink color, which made him an adorable angel in my eyes. I wanted to kiss his fingertips one by one. Being able to do that would drive me absolutely crazy. I could turn into a completely different person.
"Jimin, I know you don't want to talk. But I want you to know that you misunderstood me completely. You really misunderstood me. It's not what you think."
He suddenly hit the brakes and I was thrown forward and Jimin caught me at the same time. His nostrils were expanding with the deep breaths he took through his nose. Still, for me, he was the most beautiful being in the world.
I gasped when his gaze suddenly met mine.
"I hope what you are going to tell me has logical reasons for me to understand." He was angry, but at the same time, I could see the resentment in his eyes.
I was either going to drag us both into disaster, or a miracle was going to happen, and I really needed miracles.
I was going to tell him that the feelings I had didn't belong to a woman as he thought, and I had been thinking for days about telling this. Jimin could really be disappointed for this reason. When he called me Hyung, I didn't want to think about the position he would feel when he thought that I wasn't interested in women. He wholeheartedly accepted what we were going through, but could Jimin know these feelings? Or was Hyung love equal to a family love?
I just wish he had known that falling in love could be experienced without any gender boundaries, and if the first possibility that came to his mind was not that this person would be a woman. If he knew these things, I could explain everything to him more clearly, but I would have to tell Jimin where all this started. He needed to understand this. I couldn't tell him directly, because this wasn't something that had happened for two days, and I had to stay away from him for two years even to figure it out within myself. It wasn't easy at all.
I kept him away from me because I didn't want the battles I was fighting within myself to hurt Jimin. I had to first become familiar with the feelings inside me so that I could tell him about them. I couldn't force him to fall in love with me. I couldn't encourage him to love a man. But after telling him all these, I never wanted him to get cold and distant from me and break this beautiful bond between us, so I could never talk about these things. This is how all the battles inside me started. There was neither winner nor loser.
When the car stopped in front of the house, he got out of the car after a few seconds of silence. I also heard Jimin's complaints after getting out of the car.
''No way. Damn it.'' Jimin was looking at himself and around him in panic. Regardless of the cold weather, he took off his coat and put his hand on his neck, checking his chest and the inside of his sweater.
As I looked at him in surprise, I stepped towards him.
"Jimin, what's wrong?" Without looking at me, he gave me the coat in his hand and went back to the car and started looking inside the car.
''Not here. Not here. I lost it. Fuck.''
When I went to him in panic, he was leaning towards the front seat and his thin waist, visible from under his sweater, was in front of my eyes. It was one of the rare sights that really made me lose my mind, but I recovered quickly.
"Jimin-ah, if you tell me what's going on, I can help you?"
After he stood up in despair, he took the coat back from my hand.
"I lost my necklace." And as he walked past me, I realized from the sadness in his eyes how important this necklace was to him.
"I think my necklace must have fallen off while I was running after leaving the cafe."
These words weren't meant for me, he was talking to himself, but I couldn't help but get involved.
''Do you want us to go look for it? What kind of necklace was it?
He shook his head negatively.
"It was the Crescent Moon necklace." Jimin looked really sad.
''I'll buy you a new one, even a nicer one. I can even get all the phases of the Moon, but please don't be sulky like that. ''
My arms ached to hug him and love him like a baby. Even the things he was sad about were as sweet as he was.
He raised his head to the sky to prevent the tears from flowing. He was laughing at himself.
''Maybe it disappeared because I didn't need that necklace anymore. But it was the only thing I had around my neck for the last two years and never left me alone.''
When his gaze turned from the sky to me, he sniffed and gave me the car keys in his hand. He was leaving.
"See you around, Hyung."
As I watched him leave, I called out.
''I will wait for you.''
He didn't answer me, but raised one hand and waved it as if he heard.
He left after leaving me with hundreds of questions in my mind... An obsessive feeling filled my thoughts, so much so that I was even jealous of the necklace that was so important to him, and I thought of everything to throw this feeling back. A good start...
Since the new year is just around the corner, I wanted to do something special for Jimin and I was trying to find the best time to express myself to him properly.
He was very happy when I told him that I wanted him to do the interior design work of my new house, so I couldn't allow anyone else to work in the house, but since the idea of entering the new year together in that house was very attractive, I quickly looked at what I could do.
First of all, I contacted a cleaning company to ensure that the inside of the house was clean enough to live in. Then I ordered the large walnut dining table I've always wanted and sent Jungkook to pick up the shipments to the new house.
Jimin could design the interior of the house later, but there was no harm in it being decorated enough for us to have New Year's dinner and sit and have fun. While all the companies were talking about shipping delays on Christmas and New Year's Eve, I did whatever I could to convince everyone and ensure that everything in my mind was as I wanted.
When I told Namjoon about this plan, he said it was a great idea and that we should definitely spend that evening alone. He was right. If the others were with us, I couldn't tell him anything I wanted to say. Still, if Jimin wanted, we could spend the first hours of the night having fun together.
I hadn't seen Jimin for a few days because my physical therapy that week was postponed to the next week due to the New Year's holiday. Normally, this would have absolutely destroyed me, but I was able to cope with these feelings because I focused on the preparations I made just to have a good time with him. When it was finally time to ask him, I had to get support from my mother.
I had exactly twenty-four hours to decide what to wear and I was pretty excited. I had ordered everything Jimin liked to eat and arranged everything to be ready on time. Since I still had a sling on my arm, my appearance was not what I wanted, but I wanted him to see that I was taking care.
And I had a surprise for him. It's a song I've been working on for the last two years. He couldn't even guess how many songs I wrote for him in the two years I spent without him.
Since I was now able to handle my daily chores on my own, I entered the bathroom without rushing and after filling the tub with hot water, I slowly sat in it. While the hot water relaxed my body, I thought about many things. I thought about all the ways Jimin treated me and the fact that he kept me in a special place more than others. All of this corresponded to nothing other than the behavior of two lovers towards each other if we loved each other mutually. My heart was bleeding because my love was not mutual and therefore, we misunderstood each other.
There was also the fact that I had kissed him without his permission, and this inner voice reminded me of itself every day and whispered what a selfish man I was. If Jimin wanted to cut me out of his life after finding out about this, he would be right.
Me, the only person he called Hyung and trusted for years; I kissed him on the lips at his most vulnerable moment. Sometimes I wanted to slap myself and disappear.
What would he do if he knew what a stupid man he turned me into? If he wanted, I could kneel at his feet, kiss his little feet, and beg him to forgive me. He could make me spin around him. I would never complain about that. As long as he forgives me, I would be willing to be anything he wants.
If they put millions of women and men in front of me, I would still turn and look at Jimin.
After explaining some things to him, I was sure that there would be a long process ahead of us and that many things would go through both of our minds during this process. I was on a path and Jimin would decide whether I would walk or run on this path. Or he might even ask me to turn back this way before I reached the stop I wanted to.
After coming out of the bathroom, I went to bed and checked my phone, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. There were a lot of notifications on my Moon Quotes account, which I haven't posted in a long time.
Sometimes I shared the lyrics I wrote, sometimes what I felt at that moment, and I tried to share the same feelings with people like me who were longing for someone they could never belong to.
Sometimes I experienced random things. This person, with whom I had been talking to my account for months, was also waiting for someone he described as a moon. It was very interesting, and I couldn't deny that we had some weird conversations. This sometimes made me think deeply. But he left a question mark in my mind about one thing. Wouldn't we really see a dot in the sky during the eclipse?
I was thinking about this until late at night, and I couldn't have guessed that when I fell asleep, I would be trapped in a nightmare.
"Hyung, why did you do this to me?"
I couldn't speak at all as Jimin's disappointed gaze took my eyes hostage. I wanted to call out to him, apologize, explain myself, but I couldn't speak.
"Didn't you guess that this would tear me away from you?"
It was as if I had lost the ability to speak. I kept wanting to shout Jimin's name and make him hear me, but I couldn't make a sound.
"How can you think such things about the person you call your brother?"
I was crying through my silent screams, but Jimin couldn't even hear my silence. When he wiped his lips with his hand, there was blood on it.
"You made my lips bleed, Hyung."
I put my head in my hands and threw myself on the ground. I was screaming as loud as I could, but my voice couldn't be heard.
Jimin turned around and left me in darkness. I was afraid because there was light when he was here.
''Jimin don't go... Jimin Jimin Jimin Jimin Jimin...''
With the strong tremors I felt in my body, I opened my eyes when I could finally shout Jimin's name out loud.
Jimin was looking at me with fearful eyes and I was drenched in sweat. I realized that it was already morning from the sunlight illuminating the room.
"Jimin, when did you come?" I couldn't even look at him, my body was so tired that my throat hurt as if I had really screamed at the top of my lungs throughout my dream.
Jimin looked at me with astonished eyes and was about to say something when my mother entered the room. He was just as surprised as Jimin.
"Hyung, you were saying my name."
When I moved to go to the bathroom, I stayed where I was because of what Jimin said. Was I really yelling when I thought I couldn't call out to him in my dream?
I took off my sweaty T-Shirt without even thinking for a moment. Jimin's eyes widened as he turned his gaze to the side.
''I'm dirty, I need to take a shower.''
When my mother left the room without saying anything, Jimin approached me without making eye contact.
"Hyung, you don't have to be so afraid that I will leave you. I may get angry with you, maybe I will go away for a day or two, but I will never leave you."
I nodded. I was still sleepy, and my body ached terribly. I became aware of everything while under hot water. Jimin came early to spend the whole day of the new year with me. After quickly doing my business in the bathroom, I got dressed and went downstairs and saw that my mother and Jimin were already drinking their tea and talking. Jimin was laughing. My mother was laughing. After ruffling Jimin's hair, I kissed my mother's cheek. They were both reacting as if they saw me for the first time. I wondered if I had said anything else in my sleep that would shock them.
I pointed at both of them with my finger and moved my eyes over them.
"I didn't say anything else in my dream, did I?"
Jimin started coughing after quickly placing the tea glass in his lips on the table. While my mother was looking at him with understanding eyes, I was cursing myself inside.
''Yes, it seems I did. What did I say?''
I tensed and threw myself onto one of the kitchen chairs. While my mother was taking deep breaths, Jimin's cheeks flushed with embarrassment were not helping me at all.
''Jimin?''
''Ha?''
When he looked at me with wide eyes, I had the unnecessary thought of trying to calculate how many times I had seen something this sweet in my life. Even though I know there is nothing I can see cuter than Jimin.
Jimin looked away and touched his pink fingertips to his lips, then began to watch the table in front of him. He was playing with his lips. Lips.
When I didn't get an answer from Jimin, I looked at my mother. My mother was looking at both me and Jimin and making a few eye movements so Jimin wouldn't understand. When my mother pointed to her own lips, blood jumped to my head. I pushed my chair back and stood up, nearly falling over. My cheeks were burning.
''Let's go.. Yes yes... We'd better go, we still have a lot of work to do, right Jimin? ''
Jimin looked around in embarrassment and then approved me.
''Yes, today is the last day of the year, isn't it? We need to spend this day in the best possible way."
I clapped my hands excitedly and mentally kissed Jimin for shifting the topic.
''Of course. On the last day of the year, everyone should hug, make good wishes and kiss. Isn't it?''
I laughed nervously when I realized what I said.
''I mean kissing... That's not what I meant by kissing."
I made a sign with my hand for two lips and touched them together.
"I didn't mention this kiss."
I pointed to my cheek.
"I talked about kissing like this."
When I looked at Jimin, his cheeks were more blushed with embarrassment, and I knew I had fucked up.
"Hyung, shall we go?"
I could only give one answer to the question Jimin asked while staring at me.
''Why are we still waiting? Let's go.''
After taking the car keys, I hugged and wished my mother an early New Year's Eve since I won't be able to see her tonight. She still didn't know that I had bought a house for myself. I didn't think she would be angry with me about this, but if she knew that I was dealing with it at that moment, she would want to prevent it because my shoulder was not yet healed, or she and my father would want to make things easier for me and help me, but I didn't want that. For the first time, I did something for myself by buying a house of my own, very close to the house I dreamed of, with the money I earned, and no matter what, I wanted to see traces of Jimin in that house.
After giving Jimin the keys, I wrote the address of my new house into the navigation on my phone. We were about thirty minutes away and it was one of the quiet neighbourhoods of Seoul, an area full of trees and forests, artificial lakes and parks. Even though I didn't know how Jimin would react, I was sure he would like it there because when I bought it, I also bought an abandoned field with a lake view at the back of the house along with the garden, and I could use the lake if I wished.
In the future, I could ask Jimin to do landscaping work on this field and decorate it with flower beds, have a walking path made of natural stones, and maybe even consider having a hammock between the trees and a small greenhouse. Even though it looked too neglected and abandoned for ordinary people to see, it was a living space that I was sure was like a piece of heaven that needed to be transformed for us, and it reminded me of my grandfather's farm. I started watching him, putting aside the moments that I hoped Jimin would remember this too.
Although Jimin remained silent throughout the road, he occasionally hummed and accompanied the songs playing on the radio. His fingers holding the steering wheel were keeping rhythm in harmony.
''I'm so excited to see your house.''
I listened to his words and the sweet tone of his voice without taking his attention away from the road. No matter how much we misunderstood each other and how much we bickered with each other during the day, Jimin and I were somehow attracted to each other like a magnet. This was dangerous. Because the moments when we misunderstood each other were as fast as a fire spreading. But somewhere in both of our hearts, we knew that no matter what happened, the right thing to do was to forget everything again and act as if nothing had happened. This was something we knew without knowing. We weren't doing it consciously, and I think that's one of the things that made us both special.
''Look, there it is...''
After Jimin slowed down the speed of the car, he looked in the direction I pointed and his confused eyes turned to me.
''You are kidding.''
After parking the car in front of the iron gate of the house, which was wide and covered with dried ivy, he stopped and surprised exclamations came from his lips.
''You told me you bought a house. It's a mansion.
I touched his chin with my finger to close his mouth, which was open in surprise.
''Let's go.''
I quickly got out of the car and took the keys out of my pocket. Jimin was watching the surroundings with curiosity as the creak of the iron door filled our ears. The garden looked quite neglected, but these were the details I wanted Jimin to design.
''I know this place doesn't look great right now. What are you thinking? Can you create a fairy tale land from here?"
Jimin nodded at me while taking photos of the surroundings with his phone.
"I can make here your Neverland."
I wondered if he realized he was saying things that meant so much to me.
''Then I really must be Peter Pan?''
After putting his phone back into his coat pocket, he came to me with quick steps. We were smiling. With excitement, I climbed the stairs of the veranda leading to the large entrance door of the house and pushed the dried leaves on the ground, moistened by the rain, and stuck with my feet.
When I finally opened the door, I stepped aside and allowed Jimin to enter first. While his eyes were looking at the entrance of the house, the ceiling, the steps leading to the upper floor in front of us, going up from both the right and left, and the staircase that came together in the middle and looked like a large balcony, he turned around and watched everywhere at a full angle.
"Hyung, this is so..." he quickly took off his coat, put it in the first available place he found, and rolled up the sleeves of his sweater. ''This is so perfect...''
Did he know how well he suited my house? Did he know how beautifully he shined in my house with his whole being? Did he know that he was the only thing that belonged to that house with my heart that belonged to him? Did he feel it?
''Then how about we tour the house first?''
When his gaze turned to me, there was pure curiosity in his eyes. We toured every room in my house, which didn't have much furniture yet. He took photos with his phone whenever an idea came to his mind. One of the rooms on the upper floor had a balcony from which we could easily see the backyard, the lake and the forest area, and as soon as Jimin saw that balcony, he excitedly opened it by holding the two handles of the wide door that stretched to the ground. Even though the weather was quite cold, he didn't mind and watched the view.
''Did you know there is a lake here? God, it would be great if this huge garden was included in this house, but it's quite big and a little far from the lake."
Jimin was shaking because he took off his coat downstairs and I immediately took off my coat and put it on his shoulders.
''Everything your eyes look at is mine.''
He didn't understand what I said at first and continued to watch the view with a smile on his face. He looked at me with an increasingly surprised expression.
''What?''
I turned my gaze to the view.
''What does this mean? Hyung?"
He held his breath when I turned to him as if I were saying the most comfortable thing in the world.
''Everything you see is mine, that garden and everything that extends to the lake. The land up to the shore of the lake belongs to me. If I could, I would even buy the lake."
It was very difficult for me to understand what he was going through his mind at that moment. I wondered what he was thinking with his cheeks and the tip of his nose turned into red from the cold, his confused eyes and his dull facial expression. He closed his eyes, raised his eyebrows and thought. It was very difficult to understand him sometimes.
''What are you thinking?''
The words flowed out of his mouth like a robot. That's how I realized how confused he was.
''That you spent all your wealth here...''
I laughed. If he wanted to be even more surprised, I could do that.
''All? I think only a quarter of it.
''Hyung, for God's sake, what did you do in Italy or Europe? You couldn't possibly have sold your pretty face, could you? ''
He was looking at me suspiciously, but the only thing I could think of at that moment was that he called my face pretty. He made my heart skip a beat.
I didn't let him get cold any more and after closing the balcony door, we went downstairs. We had a New Year's dinner menu to prepare in the kitchen, and although I had ordered all the ingredients in advance, I wanted to prepare the meals together and spend time. This was a step for me to start explaining things to Jimin.
''Hyung, that room with the balcony could be your bedroom. It's quite large and has the most beautiful view."
I didn't answer when my gaze remained focused on the vegetables and fruits in the kitchen.
''Is there a general color scheme you would like me to use in this house? Although each floor has its own unique atmosphere, there should be a color memory left by the fine details in this house.
I never waited to answer this.
''Blue.''
And my gaze found him.
''As long as you use blue, I leave other color contrasts to your taste. You know best which colors to decorate blue with, this is your expertise. I remember some of the projects you did at university and I trust you blindly. There's nothing you can't do.
He shyly combed his hair behind his ear and his face suddenly turned red. Since he had no answer, he came to me and started to wash the vegetables.
''The kitchen is pretty decorated, but I may still need to redesign it.''
The kitchen had everything I needed. That's why I asked Jungkook for help. He had to be here to check on things while my kitchen was being completed and it looked pretty good.
''You can change anything you want.''
I was excited, even though I didn't show it to him. While Jimin was doing some minor work in the kitchen, I lit the fireplace in the large living room after throwing the wood that I had previously asked Jungkook to prepare for me. I smiled happily at the crackling sound of the fireplace and the warmth spreading around.
When I went to the kitchen, I saw Jimin taking the eggs out of the fridge. First of all, we were going to make a delicious and traditional Korean soup, which was my mother's recipe.
''There's a lot I want to tell you.''
When I stepped into the kitchen, he was a little startled because he didn't notice me coming.
After placing the eggs on the kitchen counter, he began to cut the vegetables.
"Let's talk then, Hyung."
While I was washing the other vegetables he needed, I was also thinking about where to start the conversation.
''Jimin.... I... When I left here, I knew why I left..''
The knife on Jimin's cutting board started to cut harder.
''Jimin, I noticed something about myself. I was afraid of being ostracized if I told anyone about this. I didn't know how to deal with it because I wasn't familiar with it either."
Jimin stopped his cutting and turned to me. After wiping his hands with the kitchen cloth, he gave me his full attention.
"I was afraid you would hate me."
His gaze softened and he looked more sad.
"What you're saying doesn't make any sense."
I closed my eyes.
''Jimin, I read your letter. Even if you don't know why, I know how angry you are at me, and that makes it even harder for me to tell you the things I can't already tell you."
He closed his eyes tightly and blurted out a curse.
''Listen to me first tonight. If I don't tell you about this, I think I will never be able to tell it again, and I really want to tell it, Jimin. I want to be honest with you, even if you hate me, and I don't want to hide it from you anymore."
He was very afraid and I didn't know why he was afraid or how to take his fear away from him. All I knew was to tell him this and leave myself to his execution.
I started tearing down my ivy-covered walls and revealing myself to him. My soul and my mind. Who was I? He would learn.
I looked at the eggs right next to Jimin's hand leaning on the counter.
"Do you see this egg?" Jimin's gaze suddenly focused on the egg and caught his attention. He was confused, but still nodded that what he saw was an egg.
"Egg is a very variable thing." He looked at me and then at the egg.
He was gnawing the corners of his lips while listening to me.
"You know how I told you I changed when I was in Italy?" I stopped for a moment and let him think.
"Actually, this change was not a radical change." He folded his hands over his chest and stood straighter. He became serious. It was hard to explain because the person I wanted to understand me the most was Jimin.
"Think of the egg shell as a shield."
I looked into his eyes to confirm me.
It was very difficult to make eye contact with him, it was like a whirlpool. He nodded vaguely. I took a deep breath, lifted the egg between my fingers, brought it to the level of both of our eyes, and looked at it.
"What happens if we break this egg before it's cooked?"
Jimin took another uncooked egg on the table, twirled it between his fingers and let it fall to the floor with great calm. The egg, its yolk and white, which were broken and shattered into pieces on the floor, lay in disarray.
"I think it would be a pity for the egg... It could have cooked into a delicious egg."
He continued to look at the egg in my hand. His looks were daring. He had a look I was never used to seeing from him. Dangerous and tempting.
"You're absolutely right. It would be a pity for him. Let's call this egg 'he'. It would be a pity if he broke up and fell apart before even deciding what he wanted to be."
I knew I confused him, but I didn't know how to explain it better.
"Do you mean to say that your face is as smooth as an eggshell?" He was flirting with me. He was laughing.
"What? No, that's not it." I was blushing. He was laughing.
"Namjoon Hyung used to say that about you. That's what came to mind."
My eyebrows rose with interest.
"What about you? What do you think?" With the back of his index finger, he made a touch that felt light as a feather, from under my eyes to my chin.
It was as if the fears in his eyes were disappearing one by one and were replaced by different sparkles. Still he hesitated.
" Flawless.."
I grabbed his finger from my face and closed my eyes before he pulled it away.
''Jimin... I didn't want to be like an uncooked egg and be broken by others. I found myself and cooked it. Because I wondered whether the person I wanted to have me would accept me as I am, with my shell, or would he peel off my shell and look at my soul."
I looked at the egg on the ground and his gaze was fixed there too.
''Look, that's something that needs to be cleaned up and thrown away. Because it was a simple egg. That everyone knows and accepts. It was something that the whole world saw and accepted as the same, but I am not the same. ''
''Although I am not the same, the person I want to peel me off is not the same as the others. Not for me. The person I want to peel me off and love me is not a woman. It never was."
When a tear fell from my eyes, Jimin was looking all over my face without even blinking. I was still holding his finger. I saw him swallow hard. He was taking deep breaths and his chest was beating furiously.
I held his finger tighter and approached him with a shaky step.
"I was so afraid that you would hate me."
When his gaze softened even more, a tear flowed from his eyes to his chin and he dropped his body into my arms with all his weight. He hugged me tightly.
"I would never hate you for this, Hyung. Never. You should have told me this. You should have told me this the first day you noticed."
He was sobbing on my neck. His sobs were strong enough to take his breath away.
''Why didn't you tell me?''
While my arms were tightly wrapped around his back, I was patting his back with my palms, and I was crying too.
"I'm sorry... My fear of losing you overcame everything..."
I took a deep breath and inhaled his scent.
''And I didn't know... I didn't know what it was and how to deal with it... and I still don't know.
When he lifted his head from my neck to look at me, he held my face with his eyes red from crying. He touched my eyelashes with his thumbs. He had no idea how many dead butterflies had come to life inside me.
''Hyung.. I don't know either...''
I didn't know, he didn't know... I felt relieved that I could at least tell him the most difficult part. At least I was one step closer to being able to say that I was in love with him.
Because the only person I wanted to peel off my shell and kiss and heal the wounds in all the cracks of my soul was Jimin. I wanted him next to me like my shadow, like my reflection in the mirror. I wanted him to be me and me to be him.
We were in such a sensitive and fragile moment. Everything came to my mind, but I never thought that we would look into each other's eyes and watch our tears.
When the tears stuck on his eyelashes that I was crazy to kiss, I delicately caressed them with my thumb and smeared Jimin's pearl tears on my fingertips. I was crying too and I didn't care about my ugly crying voice. My sobs were kicking my chest.
And finally i could tell to my Butterfly..
"I fell in love with a caterpillar. I was too afraid to love him. I watched him grow because he was the most special. But when he grew up, I knew he would be the most beautiful butterfly in the world. I wanted that butterfly to be only mine. I was afraid he would fly away from me. I couldn't touch him, but I always ran after him. He never knew. I made a promise to myself and said never mind, don't be afraid, never give up."
Jimin's silent sobs came out loud from his lips, without taking him hostage in his chest any longer, and his shaken body hugged me tightly.
"Hyung, you don't know.."
He pressed his head hard against my chest and pushed with all his strength to prevent his sobs from being heard. He was hitting his head on my chest.
"You don't know..." his voice was breathy and weak.
I held his hand, which had curled into a fist, while holding my sweater tightly, I was taking very deep breaths.
He started punching my chest weakly.
"You don't know what I have engraved on my chest and carry."
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
The one who's crying accept my hug 🫂
⭐