Content warning: This chapter contains three paragraphs of suicidal ideation about halfway through (right after 'they're better off without you'. There is no attempt, and the character talks himself out of it within those three paragraphs. I've also changed the story rating to mature for this reason.
***
Kieran's stomach muscles tensed as he drove toward Naomi's work. The sky darkened to a washed-out blue topped with a ceiling of dark gray clouds. The city's odd bad batch of purple-hued streetlights had clicked on as well, adding more cool colours to the evening.
After discussing the timing, Jake agreed to help Kieran tell her about his past tomorrow morning. It wouldn't be fair to bombard her with that after a long day at work. Jake assured him that the worst-case scenario, where she screamed she never wanted to see him again, was quite unlikely. However, he hadn't said impossible.
A deep breath soothed some nerves and jittering in his hands.
Naomi loves you. She'll understand. Maybe not at first, but with time.
He parked in the strip mall parking lot outside her work. As she stood out front, he double-checked the truck's clock to see if he'd run late. Only 9:05, and she usually needed more time to get ready. She was arguing with a guy in a jacket who looked like... Oh shit; it was her ex. Kieran jumped out of his vehicle and hurried toward them as she was fidgeting and tapping her feet like she did when she was upset.
"Leave her alone," he called out.
"Right after you do, Mathieu."
Kieran's blood morphed into icy sludge as he froze. Only his heart beat loudly, thumping enough to drown out the traffic. He turned to Naomi, but his hesitation had cost him her trust. It showed in her wide, watery brown eyes. She stepped away from him and toward her ex.
Fuck, she knew. And her ex, of all people, had told her. Why hadn't Kieran confessed instead of saying he loved her? But he could still fix this.
"Naomi, I planned to tell you tomorrow morning. I swear. You can ask Jake."
Her shoulders shook, and she closed her eyes. He advanced toward her, longing to hold her and ease her worries, but her ex stood between them.
"Take one more step and I will come at you with everything I've got. It's sickening you're at it again, preying on vulnerable women. One wasn't enough for you, or were there more?" Greg had puffed out his chest and clenched his fists, ready to fight.
The guy believed what most people had even after the verdict was given. Naomi's posture was crumpled, but she didn't radiate hostility as she glanced between Kieran and her ex.
"Naomi, it sounds bad, and trust me, it was much worse to live through. But I never hurt Katy, and I would never dream of hurting you," he kept his tone as soothing as possible.
"Innocent people don't get accused of murder!" Greg growled the last word.
"Yes, they do. That's why we have a judicial process, one that determined I was innocent." Kieran gritted his teeth until pain shot through his jaw. Her ex needed to leave. "Naomi, I loved Katy, and I never hurt her. I'm not capable of that. Do you think I'd hurt anyone? I've never even raised my voice at you."
Naomi was still silent, fidgeting with her hands, and staring at her feet, but her pit bull of an ex was amped up for a fight.
"The arresting officers thought you were. You two fought in the days leading up to her death, and you stood to gain the property you purchased together."
"Naomi, a jury and judge declared me innocent, because I am innocent. Couples fight. We were moving and stressed after dealing with my mother, who you've fortunately never met. We made up that night and celebrated with too much liquor, and she..."
Bile rose in his throat, burning and leaving a putrid taste. He sealed his mouth shut to keep it from escaping.
Where was Jake? Kieran needed his brother. This couldn't be the end. Not again. His sinuses tingled and his eyes watered.
Greg sneered. "Then what? She said something you disagreed with and you shoved her away, making her trip and hit her head?"
Kieran's breathing quickened as he was transported to that cabin living room, to the love of his life splayed across that floor in a sea of red. Her skin ice. His hands trembling. Tears streaming. His voice hoarse from crying and screaming.
He'd performed CPR for what seemed like hours. Each slight noise or movement made his heart soar as he expected she would awake. The opposite hurt far too much to imagine. When the paramedics pounded on the door, and Kieran reluctantly left Katy and let them in to confirm what he already feared but refused to believe.
Katy was gone.
He'd collapsed to the ground, sobbing and clutching at her body. Pain tore through his chest like a stake through the heart, and he could only shake. Voices echoed around him, but nothing registered.
He'd never know if she suffered, if she thought of him in her ultimate moments with fondness or frustration, or if life in their dream home would have been as amazing as he imagined.
Why hadn't he woken up when it happened?
Why hadn't he saved her?
His whole body ached with loneliness.
He deserved every drop of this pain until the moment he, too, left this earth.
A car engine roared, pulling Kieran back to the present where his new girlfriend knew about his past and hadn't said a single word to him. The woman who supposedly loved him. Her ex sat in the driver's seat of her blue sedan with her on the passenger side, and they pulled away from the curb. The headlights stung Kieran's eyes.
When his gaze met hers, she averted his eyes, but her face was puffy and red as if she'd been crying. What had happened between her ex yelling and now? Had she tried to ask him about it or just run? Her glancing away told him enough.
She saw him as a monster.
The vehicle drove away, and she fled from him like every other person in his life had apart from Jake.
Kieran sat on the curb facing the parking lot, as he relived every slight people made about him. Plus the horrified looks on Katy's family's faces when the accusation came. And the way his mother recoiled, making him tremble and the silence and unfriending of his childhood and college friends on social media. Add in the baseless allegations in the news article comments, and it was enough to smother any hope he'd accrued since meeting Naomi.
He'd been naïve to believe he would have a normal life. His relationship with Naomi had felt like moving on and pulling him out of his plateau. But it was all a delusion. This would haunt him for the rest of his life. It was his punishment for not saving Katy. A better boyfriend would have. But she'd been stuck with him and it had cost Katy her life.
The light breeze penetrated his skin like a knife, leaving discomfort in its wake until it sunk into his core and overwhelmed every inch of him.
You're a monster.
No, a monster acted with intent. Kieran hadn't acted. He was a worthless coward who took up the space that a better person should have occupied. One who wouldn't let his unstable mother keep meddling in his life and antagonizing his girlfriend. And who would have woken up when Katy fell to save her or wouldn't have gotten that drunk with her in the first place or would have moved the stupid rug.
His skin burned and itched while his temperature rose to an unbearable level. Nothing felt right. He shook, unable to make this agony stop. It only grew, consuming to the point he yearned to escape his body.
He didn't want to be here.
Or anywhere.
How did he end this?
He'd let Katy down. Now, Naomi had fled and Jake was back to clean up another mess.
They're better off without you.
The roar of car engines offered him a solution. His life was a maze with no exit. No matter how many times he tried, he'd end up trapped. Except he'd hurt someone else. But at least not physically.
If he walked out into traffic, this would end. No living in the uncertainty of whether people would believe him. No more unintentionally hurting the people he loved. Jake would move on and focus on his career. Austin would step up and help him cope. Naomi would move on in time, especially with the support of her friends and her ex.
But walking into traffic would affect the driver and any potential passengers. They may die or get injured. They'd live with guilt without knowing that they'd done him a favour and spared him from this pain.
He took a deep, shaky breath, letting it extend to every extremity of his body. Next, he stood on wobbly legs and headed to his truck. His trembling hands set off the truck alarm before he unlocked it. He crawled into the cold, stiff passenger seat and curled into a ball, shutting out everything around him.
At eleven fifteen PM, once his internal storm had calmed to a drizzle with light wind, his phone rang. In his numb state, he listened to the ringtone before cluing in that he needed to answer it.
"Kieran, what's going on?"
"My name's not Kieran, it's Matt."
Jake sighed. "Kieran, you're not making sense. Why are you still outside Naomi's work?"
"She knows, Jay. And she left me."
His brother's sharp intake of breath left Kieran with little confidence things would return to normal. "It's Jake, and I'll be right there."
The phone clicked off, and Kieran resisted the urge to throw it at the windshield. If he did that, he'd never know if Naomi would forgive him for hiding his past. She'd left with her ex. That said enough about how much faith and trust she had in Kieran.
It was hard to out-compete that guy when Kieran did everything right. But as the asshole who hid a criminal accusation from her? What were the odds of earning her forgiveness after that?
Slim to none.
But he couldn't return to the undulation of numbness and pain of the past three years. It was bad enough that thoughts of ending his life plagued him like they had in Kingston. The trial was over, only Naomi and her ex knew about it, and the jury determined he was innocent.
This isn't impossible. Naomi loves you more than anyone she's ever dated. She knows how good you are together. Life without her is unimaginable.
He needed someone to love and cherish, to spoil, and to protect. He would not let her slip away because of one mistake. After a deep breath, he typed up a message. The light from the screen burned his eyes, but he powered through.
Kieran: I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my past. It's difficult to talk about, and I've lost just about every relationship I've ever had because of that incorrect accusation. I don't want to lose you too. I would never hurt you or anyone. Deep down, I hope you sense that. I understand you're mad that I kept this from you. In your shoes, I'd be upset too. Please, let me explain what happened when you're ready. Love Kieran/Matt.
The message sat unanswered even as Jake pulled up in front of Naomi's work. Kieran stumbled as he exited that truck, his legs having fallen asleep. Jake ran out to help guide him. His lips were pressed in a tight line as he kept Kieran steady and directed him to the other vehicle's passenger seat.
"I can–" Kieran protested.
"It's fine."
But it wasn't. He could count the number of times he and Jake made physical contact in a year on one hand. Jake wouldn't do that unless he was distressed.
"I'm okay," Kieran said.
"No, you're not."
Jake's eyes flickered to Kieran's arms, which had rows of red crescent moons dug into his outer forearm. His equally crimson nails confirmed his stress habit had returned.
Jake nudged him into the warm, welcoming passenger seat and got into the driver's seat. He only asked one question during the drive: "Do you want to stop anywhere?"
Kieran wanted to run to Naomi's place to tell her how much he wished he could have told her about this instead of her meddling ex. But there was no guarantee she was even home. She hadn't answered the text. Who was to say she wasn't lying in her ex's arms, regretting ever inviting Kieran over to turn her life into a living nightmare and cursing her trusting nature? Her ex would waste no time holding her, stroking her soft hair, kissing her like he had at that party.
Kieran checked his phone again with shaking hands and slammed it into the cup holder. Tears clung to the corners of his eyes. Jake's lip trembled, and he gripped the steering wheel tighter without saying a word. Kieran wanted to apologize, but he feared all that would come out were sobs.
When they reached the apartment and rode the elevator to their floor, Kieran was drained and ready to collapse.
"We'll fix this," Jake said, but his voice was weak and uncertain. Two characteristics that his brother hadn't exhibited for years. His fumbling hands unlocked the door and opened it for Kieran. They removed their shoes.
"It's not your mess. It's mine." Kieran stalked off to his room to be alone.
When he collapsed into his bed, the scent of Naomi's fruity shampoo lingered. He could still taste the sweetness of her kisses and feel the warmth of her loving embrace.
One fucking day was all it took from going from the love of her life to a man she hated.
You're overreacting.
But after checking his phone, there was no reply.
She may need more time to work through her anger and pain.
Or she might cut him out forever.
I had a hard time writing/editing this one without crying. I hope it came out okay.
The next chapter will be up next Wednesday and will explore Naomi's reaction and where her head is at about the relationship.
I'm curious what you think she'll do.
Thanks so much for sticking with the story even as the chapters dig into tougher territory.