When I wake up, the bed next to me is empty. I need some seconds to orientate and to remember where I am.
When realization hits me, I need some more seconds to get it right.
I am in Shawn Mendes' apartment.
I am laying in his bed.
We'd talk the whole evening and half the night.
And when we fell asleep, the half metre between us felt like ten centimetre or less. And I felt all these emotions coming back to me that I've put as far in the back of my mind as I could, when everything happened the last months. They come back like a ray of sunshine, that gets through the clouds.
Suddenly all the clouds, all the worries, all the anger, all the sadness are put away and have been replaced through something I can't name yet.
But the sun got through.
And it feels amazing.
It feels amazing, seeing Shawn's face before closing my eyes, feeling his nearness, feeling comfortable, feeling seen.
I didn't think that it would be possible to go through so many changes of emotions towards each other, but it is. It is.
And even if I know that maybe tomorrow I could request everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours, I know that I won't regret any second of being here and now with Shawn.
We didn't kiss, but I definitly wanted to. And I could see in Shawn's eyes, that he'd wanted too. But last evening, we both decided instinctively to wait. Just as we both needed a sign of the other person that we'd really did forgive each other. That we really were okay with all of this.
While I'm now laying in his bed, still looking to his empty space next to me – I make a desicion. Being honest is important. But being brave is it either sometimes.