𝙓𝙇𝙑𝙄𝙄.
THE DEAD FIANCÉ
──────
NEW YORK
I couldn't remember when it was that I started picking up extra shifts at surrounding hospitals, but I think it was around the beginning of the millennium.
It was the first New Years Eve that I'd worked, the first New Years Eve that I'd missed completely. Addison had been completely distraught, even more distraught when she realised that Mark would still be attending.
I'd told him to go for the both of us and he'd just shrugged, not ever one to pass up on the free drinks. Honestly, I wasn't too bummed about missing out. In fact, I'd been dragged into one of the biggest surgeries of my career to date and managed to count down into 2000 with a human chest cracked in front of me, a human heart thrumming through the room.
Then, once I'd scrubbed out, I went up onto the roof with a handful of medical staff and watched the fireworks as they continued past midnight and into the morning.
It was a pretty fucking incredible view. A panoramic glimpse at the New York skyline. The hospital, being pretty central to Manhattan, was the perfect place to just sit and people watch— plus, when the helicopter wasn't docked, the whole place was completely silent. I'd taken to coming upstairs just before the start of the day and grabbing some overpriced pastry from one of the bake sales they liked to do in the front lobby.
I'd grab a book and just sit and stare across all of the buildings, over towards Central Park. It'd be my one moment of peace in the day before some asshole decided to crash their car or break their leg.
"You guys hear about Manhattan Gen?"
Liam appeared in the doorway with a pizza he'd ordered and joined us as we sat beside the side of the roof, holding our mugs of coffee as we all struggled to keep our eyes open. It was the four of us: Faith, Isaac, Liam and I. Ashely had been gone before we'd even decided to start the tumultuous climb to the top of the building.
We were all sat uncomfortably on the gravel, pagers in front of us and eyes stuck on the skyline. At the sound of his voice, we all looked over.
"They're handing out part time placements in their open clinic," Liam said, "I think I'm going to apply and try and get my hours up... get some bulk on my resume."
"Isn't that against protocol?" The scepticism came from Faith as she very sleepily leant against the wall. She pulled her jacket around her, crossing her ankles, clearly too tired to shoot Liam a mystified and cutting look. "This is a marathon— don't make it a sprint."
"I heard that a few of the residents did it... helped one of the third year residents get a fellowship at John Hopkins." Liam shrugged as if it was just a thought, but we both knew that it was something he'd put a lot of time and effort into researching. "It's not often that these clinical places are open... let alone to first year interns—"
"Cabrini and Beth Israel are recruiting too."
Liam looked surprised that I'd been keeping up with the postings around the city. I had to say, it was interesting to see that people were beginning to have the same thoughts as I was. I'd been working in the clinic for six months now and I'd been seriously considering doing some extra work on top of it for a very long time.
I loved my job, loved learning and being outside of a hospital was beginning to feel... well, counterproductive.
I met Liam eye as I tore myself a slice of pizza, burrowing into my coat for warmth.
"How the hell did they do that anyway?" Faith's mutterings were quiet but I could still feel the heat behind it. "I can't even bring myself to have a shower after a shift— talk about start another one." She dropped her head in exhaustion and murmured something that sounded very suspiciously like: "I'd probably murder someone."
"Ambition," the man shrugged, "And when that runs out they get a little pick-me-up."
Pick-me-up. We all knew what that implied. My eyes dropped to my mug of coffee and I wondered whether I'd be able to keep up. Would it completely wipe me out? I couldn't imagine having to depend on anything to keep me going.
But that's what half of the doctors in this city did. Hospitals for past ten years had been highly competitive and hard to keep up with. People had just been looking for alternatives to sleep, making sure that they could get ahead and not get swept under. That's how Amelia's using had gotten really bad: a couple of popped pills and then opioids to combat it when it got too much.
Faith scoffed. "Sounds like a shit-show... consider me out."
Liam looked at me, completely disregarding Isaac who seemed to be in mid-nap. I just smirked and looked back towards the firework display; I'd already applied to every single vacancies I could find. I had a job interview for Manhattan General Hospital next week and a missed call from Cabrini.
If this was a sprint, I was leaving Liam in the dust.
Staring out towards where I knew Addison was having her big New Years Eve party, I couldn't help but smile: I was finally in a career that I enjoyed and it was turning out okay. I also, controversially, didn't have any regrets about not going to the party. It was nice to have distance from everyone, even Mark.
Mark. My phone buzzed by my foot and I saw that it was an incoming phone call from him— I let it go to voicemail. It wasn't right now, not when we were all sat in silence just watching the Manhattan sky. As the fireworks started dying down, Faith started murmuring about her case through a mouthful of veggie pizza.
Liam chipped in about his and I very softly mused about the surgery I'd spent the last four hours in. All the while, Isaac snoozed with his head resting against the wall behind him.
"...I'm going to be the best damn cardiothorastic surgeon on the East Coast."
I tuned in to Liam confidently bobbing his head up and down, passion in his eyes. I watched him, my eyelids no longer feeling heavy. If there was anyone who could stay afloat off of ambition, it was definitely Liam Carmichael.
"Watch this space... you two—"
"And I'm going to be a kickass paediatric surgeon." Faith added, her back straightening as she tossed her pizza crust onto the box. I smiled, my eyes seeking out the stars in the sky. When I looked back down, they were both staring at me expectantly. "Beth?"
My smile widened. "I'm going to have my own hospital."
Liam let out a low whistle.
"That's a tall order."
I just shrugged.
"It's going to be a public hospital and it's going to be the greatest hospital in the country." I looked back out over the city. "I'm going to be Chief of Surgery and then I'm going to be the best Medical Director of a hospital that you've ever seen."
For a split second I could envision it: this was my hospital and this was my view from my flashy office. I liked ManWest a lot, but I could like it a lot more if I was the one who was running the place. A dreamy look took over my face. I was looking at everything with rose coloured glasses.
"Man," Liam said after a few seconds, letting my words settle in. "Suddenly my goals seem attainable."
"Shut up." Faith rolled her eyes, brushing her hand hair out of her face. She gave me a very small smile, one that made me smile back. "I say Beth can do anything she wants."
"So you wanna be like a Harper Avery?" Another shrug in the direction of Liam as he scratched behind his ear, "Well, I guess as long as you don't go up against me in cardio—"
I just chuckled and hugged my coffee to my chest. Maybe they wouldn't see it coming, but I was pretty sure I had more ambition than all of them put together. Sure, I didn't know what speciality I wanted to go into, but I sure as hell knew where I wanted to end up.
I was motivated and I was fully prepared to do anything for my career, sacrifice anything I needed to sacrifice— and leave them all in the dust in the process. A mouthful of coffee and another secretive smile.
In retrospect, I'd consider that to be the day that everything started to go wrong.
***
SEATTLE
"What have we got here?"
I was stood in the ER, just finishing with a consult as Owen's voice caught my attention. It wasn't too busy this morning and I'd actually had a pretty easy morning so far. It'd been much-needed relief for a very restless nights sleep.
I blinked over towards the paramedic that was in the process of wheeling a patient through the pit doors.
"We've got a patient who was found digging up a grave..."
Owen furrowed his brow as he looked over at the patient that was being wheeled in. My head swung around to look at the middle-aged man, covered in some very dirty sweats. The patient stared at the two of us, his eyes wide and wild.
I slowly put my pen into my pocket. Immediately, Owen's gaze dropped to the guy's arms.
"Leon DeMarco, his vitals are normal but nothing else is. Cops said that he's all yours..."
"Okay let's get a tox screen and page Psych—"
"Already here." I chipped in, picking up my pace. "I'll give you twenty minutes and then circle back. I need to update a chart."
Owen tossed a thumbs up in my direction and let Daphne assign the patient to his bed. I watched as trauma nurses diverted him into the trauma room and a resident was set to do a workup. Daphne had already cleared a computer for me and I sat outside the trauma room, slowly typing up medical notes.
I swore that it was something I seemed to spend half my life doing. As I sat there, I heard the conversation between Owen and the nurse drawing Leon's blood.
They were talking about how quiet it had been this morning and how they'd expected a little bit more from their day. I just sighed to myself.
They were going to jinx us if they weren't careful.
"All good, Hunt?" I asked nonchalantly as he strolled out of the trauma room. He looked over towards me and grimaced.
"Yeah, we're gonna run the tox screen, you saw his arms right?" I nodded. "As far as we can tell there isn't anything emergent— he keeps talking about his fiancé, I'm going to try and get someone to contact her."
"Ah okay."
I dropped my gaze to the computer, pressing my lips together. There was a brief moment where Owen stood there, scribbling on the patient's chart.
I kept silent, typing away and backspacing through lots of text. I was trying my best to stay concentrated, but I kept getting distracted by things. After a few beats, Owen frowned at me.
"All good, Montgomery?"
"Hmm?" I blinked at him, having completely zoned out.
His brow furrowed and he completely stopped writing, watching as I stared at him, visibly confused. A concerned smile played at the corner of Owen's mouth.
"You seem..." He paused, searching for a word. "Distracted?"
Of course, I was fucking distracted.
Of course.
I'd gotten engaged over the weekend and I hadn't told anybody.
"Oh." My cheeks burned a bit and I shook my head very quickly. "No— I— I'm good. Better than good. Excited to work and get on with all these patients. I— uh—" I didn't sound good. I cleared my throat and opted for a very crystalline smile. "Just busy."
Somehow satisfied with the shittiest answer known to mankind, Owen let out a chuckle. "Well, that makes one of us."
Another nod and he walked away. I glanced between the screen and the medical bed on the other side of me, catching the look on Leon's face. He looked as though he'd seen a ghost. He was covered in dirt and had round, petrified eyes that seemed to stare into the trauma nurse's soul as she drew out blood for his tox screen.
Once she was finished, I entered the room.
"Hey, Mr DeMarco, I'm Doctor Montgomery, I'm going to be taking you upstairs to your own room, sound good?"
He nodded, eyes stuck on the floor as if he'd completely forgotten that it existed. I glanced over at the transportation tech that had arrived and gave the signal to wheel him upstairs.
"I wasn't doing anything wrong," He mumbled just as the tech helped him back into the wheelchair. I caught sight of the dirt that was buried under his fingernails. "I've lost her."
He said those words with such heartbreak that I found myself pausing. "Lost who?"
"Matty," His mouth trembled as he spoke and tears welled in his devoid eyes. "My fiancée." Leon inhaled sharply. "She's gone— ev-everything's gone."
Fiancée? How about that.
In my head, I joined the dots. I guessed that Matty was the poor girl six foot under his attempt to dig to China. A flood of tears came down his face and I very tenderly asked the nurse to clean him up.
He twisted his arm, balling it up and pressing it to his lips— my eyes rested on the dark spots up and down his forearms, telltale signs that he'd been injecting some precarious substances into him. I'd been around enough track marks in my life to know what they looked like. They looked pretty fresh too.
Outside of the trauma room, I came across a very bewildered looking Eli flipping through a patients chart. I stood beside her, returning a pen back to the nurses' station. I hesitated as if to say something that was flickering across my mind, but Eli seemed to taste it in the air.
He raised an eyebrow, turning to face me.
"You okay?"
My face contorted into what I hoped was a convincing expression. "Of course."
There was something off and he could tell. Quickly, I shoved my arms behind my back, trying to play off the sudden impulse that I had to tell him what had happened over the weekend. He eyed me, the medical chart falling closed as he tried to silently persuade me to tell him what was going on.
After a few moments, he let out a chuckle.
"There's something weird about you today..." Eli paused, turning back to his perusing as if completely disinterested. "Or maybe you're just weird."
"I think you'll just have to—"
"Doctor Montgomery, we're taking Mr DeMarco up now."
I turned my head towards transportation. Saved by the bell.
Eli watched me leave with a perturbed smile on his face, shaking his head as if he couldn't stand me. I signed the transfer papers in a swish of a hand and barely spared him a glance as I followed my patient up into the psych department. Leon didn't need to be restrained, he didn't need to be spoken to, he just went with the flow.
His tears had stopped and now he was just staring off into space with a blank look on his face. The elevator was quiet, just me, the patient and the very lanky psych transfer tech, who kept glancing over at me in even intervals.
"Nurse Lloyd's not wrong," the psych tech said, clearing his throat. "You're acting weird today."
"Not now Jeff." I just said in my most pleasantly mean voice and continued scratching behind my ear, staring up at the floor counter. He fell silent.
Weird. Did he mean the psychological weird or normal person weird? If we really had to argue about it, Jeff the Psych tech was quite possibly one of the oddest people I'd ever met. The man was almost like a ghost and he never actually spoken to me before.
This was despite having worked together on practically every consultation case I'd done in the emergency department.
He reminded me of a shadow or the butler from the Adams Family. Tall, slim and extremely spaced out. Not far from the patient he was wheeling along, out of the elevator and into the Psych department.
I left Jeff and a Psych nurse to wash Leon down and returned twenty minutes later to see him dressed in a hospital gown propped up on a gurney, staring absently at the ceiling. I paused at the doorway, being handed the tox screen results by Jeff. He gave me an odd look and I just sighed, shoving open the door gently with my shoulder.
"Leon DeMarco? Again I'm Doctor Montgomery."
He didn't seem to acknowledge me as I sat down in front of him, opening up the medical file and sliding the tox screens out onto my lap. He continued to stare off into the distance, face occasionally scrunching up as if he was about to cry again.
I chewed the inside of my cheek, flipping through what little notes had been taken in the last half hour.
"So, I hear you've been doing some grave digging." My eyes fell onto the very short and abrupt police report that had been added to his file. Apparently he'd spent the morning in jail— oh, and there was one other little detail about his midnight escapade that I'd missed. "Ah, naked."
Very slowly, his head turned to look at me.
I held up a hand as if to ease his thoughts. "Not judging... just- just asking."
Leon sat up straighter.
"I didn't want to ruin new clothes."
He spoke as if it was the most obvious answer he could have given and I visibly paused. I suppose there is a little bit of logic in that situation. If you're going to dig up a grave at 4 am in the morning then you might as well do it naked.
I stared at him for a beat, slowly nodding.
"Okay..." I wrote a small note on the bottom of the page. "Got it— uh, why don't you tell me about Matty?"
"She was my fiancée."
Was. The past tense made my skin crawl slightly and continued to nod as he spoke, encouraging him to go onwards. It was incredibly hard for him to find the right words to answer the question. Leon's falter was very noticeable, he appeared choked up as he stared over my shoulder and into the corner of the room.
"My best friend," He said sadly, Uh, we were going to get married in a month." Lots of pauses. He winced. "So um— to lose her like this..."
"I'm sorry to hear that," I said softly.
He raised a hand, rubbing at the inside of his arms. It reminded me of the document in my lap— I glanced down, brow furrowing slightly as I read the results.
"Your toxicology report came back clean..." I leant forwards, watching as Leon seemed to scratch at the indents on his skin. "But you've been putting something into your body, right?" He paused. "The tracks on your arm?"
He stared at me as if he couldn't quite comprehend what had come out of my mouth. I was using what I liked to deem my understanding and concerned doctor face; head tilted to the side a fraction, lips in a downward look of empathy and brow low.
His expression was disengaged completely as if I'd ripped out his plug out of whatever electrical socket it was that was powering him. It stayed like that for a while and I was genuinely concerned after the first ten seconds. Then, very slowly, he frowned, shaking his head.
"What arm?"
A beat passed.
Leon had both of his arms very visibly attached to his body. I halted in my seat and searched his eyes, looking for a split second of pain or a giveaway but I found none. He was completely genuine, he was genuinely asking me what arm.
What did that question even mean? Did he mean that he wasn't shooting up or that he didn't have arms at all. I maintained his gaze, a suspicion rising in me. Very slowly, I took the cap off of my pen and touched the pointed end to his forearm between the track marks. He didn't even flinch as I began poking him gently.
"Can you feel that?"
There was a searching look on his face, as if he was having to really think about his answer: "No."
I drew back and then crossed to the other side of the bed, continuing to poke at that arm too. Just like the other one, it was dotted with track marks, all angry and recently healed. They looked ghastly and familiar in the light of the overhead lamps.
When I blinked, I could see the glimmer of needles in a dingy Manhattan apartment, the insertion of heroin under someone's skin— I squeezed the thought out of my brain and looked up at Leon's face. Again, he looked back at me blankly.
"How about there?"
Leon shook his head.
I stopped, stepping backwards and replacing the cap on my pen.
I didn't know what to think. I'd have to page Neuro, that was for sure. There was a good possibility that Leon had possibly suffered some nerve damage that was stopping the reflex in his arms. He had no awareness of the poking and seemed to be completely dazed and confused. I was beginning to think that this was less of a Psych case and more of a surgery one.
I made a mental note to page Derek— but then realised that Derek wouldn't be doing any consults anymore, not since his big promotion.
And, as if to make my day even harder, Leon spoke with his wide, ghostly eyes.
"Why would I feel anything?" He spoke nonchalantly as if any nerve co-operation had been completely out of the question. Bewildered, my gaze dropped to his medical file, fighting to see if there was something that I'd missed.
And then he blinked at me, delivering the final, bewildering blow:
"I'm invisible."
***
"At first... I thought it was a schizophrenic break triggered by the death of his fiancée."
I walked alongside the consulting neurosurgeon through the surgery department, past the front desk and towards the elevator. When I'd set the page to their department asking for a consultation on a patient who thought he was 'invisible', I'd been asked for a little bit more information.
It turned out that Derek's replacement for the head of the department of Neuro, Dr Kher, was intrigued and decided to tag along.
"Certainly possible." The elderly neurosurgeon agreed, the two of us halting in the centre of the reception so I could show him the medical file.
"Yeah— of course." I watched as he flicked through the pages, over the notes that I'd written up and the assessment that I'd typed up so quickly that my fingers ached. "But now I'm... well, I'm super confused. He displays no awareness of his arms— he can't feel them."
"Any drugs in his system?"
"None," it was a completely bewildering case. I wasn't lying— I was completely confounded by the invisible man. "He's got tracks but his tests came back completely clean. No ketamine, no PCP... nothing." Kher pressed the button for the elevator and I stood beside him, wringing my hands. "There was a bit of a an odd gap in there so I ordered some more labs."
"Agreed."
"But, uh, that's not the weirdest part," I said, causing him to raise his eyebrows at me over his glasses. "He's genuinely convinced that he's invisible. That's why he can't feel anything. He thinks that no one can see him and that he can't feel the outside world. There's nothing there to feel, no nerves, nothing."
"Invisible?" Doctor Kher said as if he still hadn't processed what I'd said through the page.
"Invisible," I repeated.
"Okay," He said, clearing his throat and stepping onto the elevator as it arrived.
The neurosurgeon seemed nice enough. Although, I supposed you had to be nice enough to have spent the last five years working underneath a man who was twenty years your junior. Kher waved the medical file in my direction.
"I'll see what I can I do for you," He said lightly, "I'll do a full workup and maybe some scans. There could be something disrupting a nerve somewhere."
"Thank you," I smiled warmly. "I'll be up in a few, I've just got a prescription to chase for a pre-op patient."
He nodded at me as the doors closed. Once he was gone, I felt my muscles relax and I moved my neck from side to side.
"Beth!"
Ah, crap.
Derek, the all-mighty, was walking towards me. For a moment, I seriously considered pretending that I hadn't heard him, there was almost no way not to notice him. It was odd to see him with a shirt and tie under his lab coat, but I figured that I was going to get used to it soon.
"Can I have a word-"
"I have like three patients who are waiting on me, Derek." I really didn't fancy ruining my day with another 'Hi I'm Derek and I now have my own hospital' speech. I also really didn't fancy him reminding me that my job was currently on the block and my executioner, the lovely Petunia, was getting antsy. "I really don't have the time—"
Clearly not taking no for an answer, he grabbed my wrist, pulling me through the reception and off to one side. I went reluctantly, throwing some longing looks over my shoulder and towards the elevators. As soon as they went out of sight, I felt my heart fall.
It wasn't often that I'd rather be in Psych than surgery, but it was really beginning to feel like one of those days.
"Look, Derek... I really don't need to be reminded of this whole Petunia thing—"
"I just got off of the phone with legal." I grimaced as he interrupted me. Legal, I bet they loved me up there. With despair, I looked at the nonchalant expression on his face, those bright eyes that glimmered with something I almost didn't recognise on him.
Huh, that doesn't look like anger.
I frowned. "And?"
"Petunia dropped the case."
My ex-brother-in-law looked delighted and I felt that way too. I was ecstatic. A very sloppy smile cracked across my face and I felt my day right itself again. My head was spinning with the look on Petunia's face when she'd handed in that withdrawn to her lawyer.
She'd have probably done it dramatically, dressed up like she was at one of her husbands' funerals. I could envision it, the crease in the corner of her mouth once she'd realised that I wouldn't be sent packing, that I'd survive another day in this hospital.
Then, my head turned its attention to Dom, imagining a figure at the back of the boardroom as Petunia explained that because of personal reasons, she'd changed her mind.
My delight withered a little bit at that.
"Wow." I sounded breathless. "That's—" Swallowing was harder than I'd thought. "That's amazing."
"I knew it would work out." I blinked at him, not exactly sure that I believed him. This whole time, since his appointment as Chief, he'd had his finger on the trigger, ready to eject me faster than I could even comprehend. "It's amazing news, alright."
"Yeah." My voice sounded gravelly and it caught at the back of my throat. "I guess I'll just—"
"You okay?" Lots of people seemed to be asking that question today. His brow was furrowed and, just like Owen, he seemed concerned for a split second.
If I wasn't having a very turbulent time with Derek Shepherd, this was probably when I'd have told him about my engagement. Instead, I found myself just staring at him, momentarily shellshocked and disorientated. I opened my mouth and then closed it again.
After a very brief and not at all deliberation, I decided against confiding in this man.
"Yeah, why?" I played it off nonchalantly.
"I don't know." He admitted, his arms dropping to his sides. "You seem... off."
I had been off with him for a while now and he hadn't seemed to notice. I supposed that that was one of the casualties of being such a hotshot these days. Derek's observation skills had hit rock bottom and he'd traded in his steady doctor's eyes for a tie and a pair of shiny shoes— oh, and don't forget that impressive plaque. I decided to play this off as well.
"As I said— it's great news," I repeated, taking a few steps back and throwing a glance at my pager for good measure. "But like I also said— I'm really busy."
"Beth-"
"Oh great!" Another interruption and another addition to our little mother's meeting. I swore under my breath as Mark appeared, handing a file over to Derek. The plastic surgeon looked in between the two of us, a wide grin plastered over his face. His blue eyes danced with light as he looked at me. "Did you hear the good news?"
"I did," I replied, my face exploding into a tight smile. "It's brilliant! Now- I'm sorry but I need to—"
It was as if my pager had sensed that I needed another out. It started wailing at me, buzzing violently against my thigh. I fished it out and brandished it to the two surgeons, pouting as if I couldn't bear to part from them, but inside jumping for joy. It appeared as though today was actually going my way. I was getting saved from a lot of situations that I didn't want to be in.
They exchanged a look, Mark's face taking on the same confused and briefly concerned expression, but I was already backing away in the direction of the elevators.
I took two steps before I heard the PA system come to life.
"All non-essential staff members to reception immediately, we have a code yellow in the Psychiatry department... I repeat... a code yellow in the Psychiatry department..."
I felt my stomach fall out of my ass. My eyes dropped to the pager in my hand, demanding that I come back to the department.
My mind moved very slowly, but not as slow as Mark's did. He squinted up in the direction of the speaker, looking confused.
"Code yellow... isn't that?"
"A missing patient," Derek said, staring straight at me as I had a very short but sweet mental breakdown.
I looked up, meeting his eye and suddenly realising exactly what had happened.
"Fuck," I said.
And then I sprinted.
***
"Y'know, the man might have a point about being invisible."
I stood in the empty Psych room beside Eli, who was staring down at the empty bed where Leon had sat twenty minutes ago. He kept his eyes on it as if he was expecting the guy to reappear at any moment.
I let out a loud scoff, pacing around the room while on hold with security on my cell phone. As the ER was so quiet, Eli had been deemed unessential and had been palmed off on psychiatry for the next few hours. He crossed his arms over his chest, blinking to restore the moisture to his eyes.
"What do you think, Jeff?" H
e jerked his head in the direction of the Psych tech as he lingered outside the room. All of the staff members had been utilised to sweep the whole department but we'd been told to stay behind. If that wasn't bad enough, security seemed to be taking their sweet time.
"Seems convincing enough." The quiet man shrugged, arms crossed and foot scuffing the floor.
"Not now, Jeff," I snapped, shooting a look in Eli's direction. "You're really not helping, Eli."
My pacing was about to wear the floor thin. My muscles were clenched and I couldn't help but think about the last time I'd lost a patient in this hospital.
Last time, the guy had thrown himself out of a window right in front of me and I'd just had to watch. I really hoped that this wasn't going to be a part two of that day.
"See— this is what I'm talking about," the nurse raised his eyebrows at me. "You're acting weird."
I opted to ignore him. "He couldn't have gone far."
The statement was to no one in particular, but Eli seemed to take it as another opportunity for a joke.
"If he's invisible... how would we know?"
"Okay," I rolled my eyes, still half-listening to the infuriatingly calm on-hold music in my ear. Eli just smirked at me, challenging me to stop him. I almost suspected that he'd volunteered to come up here as soon as he'd heard that the patient thought that he was invisible. "Get it all out of your system, Elijah. I know you want to."
"I'm just saying..." His lips twitched. "Who's to say he can't walk through walls."
In the background, Jeff snickered.
After a few moments, I squinted at him. "You done?"
Usually, I would have been all for jokes, but with a runner in the hospital, it didn't feel right. Kher had given his description to security as soon as he'd found the empty bed, had paged me and then roped in the department into helping find him.
White male, late 30s, average build.
He'd definitely handled it quick and easily and I was very grateful. All of the exits in and out of the hospital were covered and there'd been a breach in the staff stairwell at the back of the building. Leon could literally be anywhere and we were going to get a notification the moment anyone saw him.
But even still, security had put me on hold.
"They're going to notify us the moment that they see him," I reminded the room. "There have already been a few reports of him but I don't know where—"
"Well... assuming they can see him."
Another glare in Eli's direction.
"Would you stop?—" The music in my ear stopped and I found myself talking to an actual human being. As they asked me what I needed, Eli and Jeff exchanged a look. "Hello yes— I'm Doctor Montgomery following up... Yes the Code Yellow... No, I— Look, I don't know how much more description I can give... Three people have seen a naked guy running through the halls— he's... He's naked and probably very distraught—"
I couldn't imagine how he felt. He was clearly going through some insurmountable grief mixed with other things. He clearly loved Maddy very much and was having a pretty shit day. I was sure that he hadn't been butt-ass naked in the middle of a cemetery for fun.
Again, I couldn't imagine what he was going through and I really, really hoped that I would never have to. If Charlie died... well, I couldn't even begin to imagine—
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jeff look back at someone as they approached the room. I heard a female voice asking for me and he stepped back, letting her through the door.
Eli frowned at her but continued to watch as I paced about.
"He's a naked guy! I really don't know what else I can say to you— He's naked— and he's just lost his fiancé and he's—"
"Doctor Montgomery?"
I cut off, turning around to face a very small, mousy-haired woman who looked very, very worried. She was holding her purse tightly in front of her, a pair of watery dark eyes gazing up at me behind a thick set of bangs.
I was caught off-guard and gazed at her, distracted by the security guard's mutterings on the other side of the line. They were busy telling me how Leon had practically vanished into thin air and wasn't showing up on any of the security cameras— it was literally as if he was invisible.
I pulled the phone away from me.
"Yes?"
The word came out harsher than I'd intended it and it took her, too, off-guard. The woman gave me a very fragile smile.
"I'm Matty Gonzalez." My jaw slackened— what? "I'm Leon DeMarco's fiancée."
Holy shit.
She stared up at me with urgency buried in her eyes, muscles clenched and shoulders fully prepared to tremble. Her whole body was moving very slightly as if she was a few moments from falling apart. For the third time today, I was rendered speechless.
I opened my mouth and then closed it, repeated that and then decided not to speak at all.
"Why don't you take a seat, Miss Gonzalez?"
Eli got to his feet expertly and lead her to the same seat that I'd sat on when I'd examined Leon. I gave her a warm (or at least what I hoped was warm smile) and followed Eli as he gestured for me to follow him out the room.
"Make yourself comfortable... okay?"
Stood outside of the room, I couldn't help but feel the urge to kick at the wall very hard. The two staff members watched me as I let out a very long breath. I turned away from them, feeling my stress levels skyrocket and my brain scream at me: this really wasn't making any sense. So much for this day working out for me!
I really did have a very strong urge to vault my phone out of the window, but Eli cut me short.
"Well," his tone was dry. "She looks quite healthy for a dead person."
She did. She looked very very alive for a dead person too.
I gazed through the window at her as she pulled her cardigan tightly around her, looking terrified and reminding me of a scared mouse. I rubbed my hand over my forehead, trying to wrack my brain. We were on a shitty time crunch today and the more time Leon spent awol in this hospital, the more it was feeling like Mr Malloy all over again.
"This doesn't make sense..." I trailed off. "He said she was dead."
"She's not." Jeff pointed out simply.
"What the hell was Mr DeMarco doing at that cemetery?"
Eli let out a breath. "I think we're all asking that question."
It took me a while to gussy myself up to go and speak to her. I began by apologising for snapping at her and she took my apology graciously.
Matty was full of concern for her fiancé and I met it with empathy, very softly explaining that we were working towards figuring out what was going on. By the time I'd finished speaking to her, I was no closer to finding out what the hell was going on and Jeff had been replaced by an antsy looking Derek.
"Any news?" I asked, hoping that his reappearance was a good sign. He was stood opposite the door, no particular expression on his face and a security guard stood beside him. His slow shake of the head made me sigh. "I have some— that's Matty, Leon's fiancée."
"So his fiancée isn't dead?"
He looked as confused as I did. I'd filled him in with the details as soon as the code had been called. Now, he was staring at Matty as if she'd raised from the dead. I just nodded, not really sure what more to do.
"She's upset and worried... but very much alive." I stood beside him, glancing sideways at the security guard. I could only hope this wasn't the same one I'd had a go at over the phone. "She said everything a week ago was fine... They were happy... Leon was the love of her life and then... boom. He just goes off of the grid... stops taking her calls stops going to work and doesn't come home."
"When did she last see him?"
"Two days ago," I chewed on my bottom lip. "The only reason she knew he was here was 'cause the cops found his wallet and they called her."
Derek ran a tired hand over his jaw. "Did you happen to mention that the love of her life is still missing?"
I faltered.
"Well— I was kind of hoping that Doctor Kher could cover that—" The look he shot me was almost serrated. I just laughed awkwardly, gesturing towards a computer. "I also needed him to take another look over Leon's file, but I guess the Chief of Surgery and ex-Head of Neuro is the next best thing."
Was it a petty dick move for me to throw Derek into the deep end? Absolutely. Was it going to be fun to watch? Abso-fucking-lutely.
He heaved a very big, dramatic sigh and sat down at the computer, allowing me to log in to the database. Wow, who would have thought it was this easy to get him back into his old job? All I had to do was let a Psych patient loose in the hospital.
I caught Eli's eye from across the hallway as I waited for the notes to load. He was shaking his head at me, looking between me and Derek as if to say: "You're still not off the hook." I rolled my eyes at him, looking away to watch Derek scroll through the medical notes I'd typed up, alongside the toxicology results.
"Okay— by the looks of it, Mr DeMarco's second round of toxicology lab results are in." I craned my neck to look at the screen, placing my head beside his. "Did his fiancée say anything about drug use?" When I shook my head, Derek frowned.
"She swears he's clean..." In fact, she'd been horrified at the topic in general. "But Leon's covered in track marks. He's definitely injected something."
"Yeah, it looks like it," Derek squinted at the little letters and numbers on the screen. I tried to read ahead but he got to it before I did. "Trace amounts of glutaraldehyde." The name sounded familiar but I really couldn't place it, my mind struggled for a few moments. He glanced back at me as if to check whether I recognised it— I shrugged. "Did the man actually say his fiancée was dead?"
"I..." I wasn't sure. I couldn't quite remember whether he said it specifically. "Well, I don't know if he used that word specifically— but he was talking about her in the past tense and about how he lost her— and digging up a grave..."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eli step forwards. He leant against the desk, gazing down at the screen. He spoke slowly and confidently, helping me where I'd struggled. "The common name for glutaraldehyde is embalming fluid."
A few seconds passed.
"Oh fucking hell," I mumbled it under my breath and the realisation hit me. The two of them turned around to watch as I pressed my hand to my forehead. "He wasn't digging up her grave..."
Again, Derek sighed— but it wasn't as dramatic as the last.
"He was digging his own."
***
Five minutes later, Eli and Derek were hot on my heels as we powered through the hospital, dodging passing gurneys and the bewildered looks shot at us by staff members.
I punched the elevator button a little too violently and as soon as we'd arrived at the floor we needed, I was almost sprinting again. By the time we reached the security door (Derek swiping his special Chief staff card for an instant pass), I was very slightly out of breath.
I shot a look at Eli as he held the door open for me.
"So, how was your weekend?" He started off nonchalantly, keeping up with our quick pace. I exhaled sharply. "Anything interesting happen?"
Eli kept glancing over at me as we speed-walked through the deepest bowels of the hospital, past utility rooms and storage doors.
Derek was the only person who had any clue where we were going, I was putting all of my faith into him and letting him lead us blindly into the basement underneath the building. Eli, on the other hand, seemed to have a different focus.
"Uh," He was prying. I glared at the back of Derek's head and just shrugged. "Not really— just your average weekend."
"Charlie's back from Boston, though? Right?"
I didn't like the way Eli was looking at me, squinting at me as if we were in some sort of Western standoff. I found myself touching my hand almost thoughtfully as if he could see the invisible ring that sat there.
I'd opted to leave it at home, it wasn't smart to bring something so precious and expensive into a department where we had a lot of temperamental and sometimes criminal patients.
"Uh-huh."
"Good, good." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eli nod slowly, leisurely. He pressed his lips together and raised his shoulders. "Anything interesting happen to him? Did you have any particular discussions—"
Oh. It hit me.
I knew exactly what he was asking about. He was asking whether the reemergence of Dom had sparked any particular conversation. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. Obviously, it hadn't.
I hadn't thought about Dom since I'd last spoken to him, or actually when Derek had told me that Petunia had dropped the lawsuit. Instead, I'd had much nicer but terrifying things to think about— much nicer but terrifying things that I was very hesitant to share with the people around me.
"Nothing of interest Eli—"
"So, I'm still trying to wrap my head around this." I was cut short as Derek turned to face us, his face looking pale. If I had been in my right mind, I would have made a ghost/invisible joke (like I know Eli was tempted to crack) but instead, I just frowned at him. "Mr DeMarco doesn't think his fiancée is dead?"
"No, he doesn't." I heaved a sigh. "He thinks he's lost Matty— Leon thinks that he's the one that's died. In the cemetery, he was digging his own grave... not hers."
"So where are we going?" Eli asked as if he'd just come along with us for the adventure. I took a few steps forwards, peering towards the next door along. The printed title shone very gloomily in the overcast light. The two men followed my gaze and Eli looked stupefied. "How the hell would he have got in there?"
Slowly, Derek pointed to the opposite door. "That leads in from the staff stairwell, it's not locked."
"Well, that's fucking useless." I sighed, and then I shoved open the door.
Admittedly, I'd never been in a hospital morgue before. The last time I'd been anywhere close had been a funeral home when my grandmother had died. It was definitely not the sort of place that was on my bucket list to visit. The moment I stepped inside I had goosebumps down my whole body, and we were only in the front reception.
It was a very dark room, full of heavily sterilised metal furniture and heavy compartment doors in the walls. The morgue attendant had left out a note saying that they'd gone to lunch and their security radio was turned off in i the docking station.
I exchanged a look with Derek and then, with much reluctance, stepped into the room of the recently deceased.
My first impression was that it was almost like an OR. It was ironic really. There was a gurney in the middle of the room and a large lighting rig like an illuminator in the centre of an operation. The rig was off. The room carried a very weird vibe, but I couldn't tell whether it was my projecting or the fact that there were dead bodies locked in the walls. It freezing and extremely silent.
Our footsteps echoed around us as Eli, the last one in, closed the door behind him. Light here seemed scathing. I caught sight of myself in the reflection of the metal-panelled walls, every pore and dent in my skin was horrifically illuminated. Colours were washed out and appeared stagnant and gaunt— a glance over at the other two made them appeared sickly pale and well... dead. It was as if we'd stepped into a distorted Tim Burton universe.
Eli hesitated.
"Don't tell me we're going to have to—"
"Yep." I breathed out, not liking the idea any more than he did. "Chief, do we have permission?"
We looked over at Derek who was staring at the wall of numbered shelved units, each one temperature regulated and housing a very dead body. I could see his mind racing a hundred miles an hour. If I got him to say okay, y'know, being the big cheese, then there was a good chance that I wasn't going to get yelled at by security for going into a different department.
After a few seconds of deliberating, he sighed.
"Sure." But then he paused immediately, clearly not liking this either. "If you're right about him being in here... we don't have any other option."
"We could just knock?" Eli suggested. I rolled eyes.
"Okay... Derek, take one through fifty. Eli, up to one hundred. I'll do up to one fifty and... if we still haven't found him..." I winced at the turn my day had taken, rolling up the sleeves of my lab coat. "We'll delegate, okay?"
"Most of them should be locked," Derek said quietly as we spread out, "If they're... occupied."
"Fantastic," Eli said meekly, not sounding fantastic at all. I wasn't sure if it was the lighting, but he seemed to get even paler in the span of seconds. "The last thing I wanted to do was wake up the dead."
I began tugging at door handles, my heart skipping a beat when they either caught or slid open. I glanced down to see Eli and Derek doing the same, each with reluctance. When they did give way, I felt my skin crawl in anticipation, expecting to see a dead corpse staring up at me.
But each time, the shelf rolled out empty, scrubbed clean and glumly shining in the overhead glare. I found myself staring at the empty spaces for a while before I rolled the door shut.
Then, once I'd gone through half of my shelves, I heard Derek say that one of his doors hadn't been shut completely— immediately, Eli and I hurried towards him, watching as he yanked out the draw.
Leon looked like something straight out of a movie. His eyes were closed, his arms were crossed over his chest and—Oh yikes.
I grimaced and looked away at the ceiling.
Yep, he was most definitely naked again.
"Mr DeMarco?"
There was a brief moment where Leon seemed to realise that he'd been caught. Maybe he'd realised that he wasn't invisible at all. While Eli turned around, grabbing what seemed to be a set of spare scrubs from a storage box on the floor, Leon opened his eyes, visibly bewildered. Derek gave him his stellar surgeon smile.
"Hi, I'm Doctor Shepherd, unfortunately, we're going to have to evict you from this unit."
I just shook my head, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"You're killing me here, Leon," I mumbled under my breath.
***
"Embalming fluid?"
Matty looked terrified.
She was sat in my office, hugging her purse to her chest as I nodded gravely. I'd called her here once I'd come up with the diagnosis. Derek stood at my shoulder. It was a very interesting situation and everyone seemed to want to watch this fold out.
Her eyes pinged between the three of us, eventually resting on me. I felt so awful for the little woman in front of me, her eyes wide and lips trembling.
"What does that even mean?"
My grasp tightened on Leon's medical file.
"We believe that he's suffering from something called Cotard's syndrome."
As soon as we'd found Leon and placed him back into a secure room, I'd hit the medical library and pulled up everything that I could about delusional disorders. I'd been wrong all along, this was still a Psych case— a very rare and interesting one at that. Even with the diagnosis, Matty didn't seem to be any more relaxed.
"It's a rare disease where the victim actually believes that they've passed on... Sometimes, as a result, they can imagine that they can't be seen... like a ghost."
"A ghost?" She repeated, horrified.
"Yes, Mrs Gonzalez," Derek cleared his throat, "A ghost."
I watched as she shook her head, voice quivering. "Leon... thinks he's dead?"
I just nodded solemnly.
"But he's talking, right?" She was struggling to process everything, waving a hand around desperately. "Dead people don't talk— so he's not actually dead."
"Leon isn't dead. He just thinks that he is." I'd never seen anything like it before, and from the looks on Derek and Doctor Kher's faces when I'd told them, I had the impression that they hadn't either. "It's a very rare neuropsychiatric condition.... Sometimes called Walking Corpse Syndrome. We have no reason to believe that he is physically dead, his vitals are in fact that same as you or me— sometimes this develops— it occurs after a major accident or... a life event... could you think of anything that might have triggered this?"
"No," She sounded heartbroken, "I-I don't— everything has just been normal... I..." A sniff. "I-I don't understand why Leon thinks he's dead— we can see him and talk to him—"
"It's not logical, Mrs Gonzalez. It's delusional."
Despaired, Matty stared at me for a long minute, her mind struggling to digest all of the information that I'd given her. I twirled my pen in between my fingers nervously, slowly relaxing into my chair.
This situation was wild but at least I could consider this a win today: we'd avoided another highly destructive Mr Malloy situation and now I was actually in the position to help my patient.
"Why can't he feel this arms?"
"Well, we don't know yet," I admitted, my thumb playing with the trigger at the top of my pen. "But Doctor Kher is giving your fiancé an MRI as we speak. We're going to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible."
"I can assure you, Mrs Gonzalez," Derek added, nodding stiffly. "Your fiancé is in very good hands."
She let out a sob and I very mechanically reached for the box of tissues at the side of my desk. I watched her, holding out the cardboard container. She accepted my offering and folded in on herself, crying into her hands on the other side of my desk.
In my head, I was thinking about what I would've done if I was in her position— god, things like this were so sudden and defeating, could this be me in a couple of months, heartbroken over Charlie?
Could I imagine Charlie thinking that he was a ghost and trying to embalm himself with embalming fluid?
My thoughts faded there. But honestly, it made the reality of everything cut a little too deep.
I chewed on my bottom lip, tilting my head to the side. "It might not seem like it now, but there is good news in all of this." She dabbed her eyes with the tissue and raised her head, staring at me with very red eyes. "That lack of feeling that Leon is experiencing could be neurological.... Uh— Cotard's wouldn't cause that and neither would the injections of embalming fluid but..."
Her stare became further despaired.
"Doctor Montgomery..." A dent appeared in between my eyebrows as she very faintly said my name. "I think you and I have very different definitions of good news."
I paused and then, eventually nodded.
Yeah. Yeah, we did. Her statement made me think about all of the good news I'd gotten recently: Derek's promotion, my engagement, Petunia's lawsuit being revoked.
Some of this 'good news' wasn't very good if I looked at the logistics. Two out of the three that I'd just listed weren't really good news at all.
I left her in my office, encouraging her to take some time to relax and talk to one of the emotional relief team members that had reappeared from the department-wide sweep following the code yellow.
My face twisted as I felt Derek shadow me, he followed me out of my office and into the corridor. Somehow, we'd managed to gain the majority of the hospital security into our department, just out of the caution that Leon decided to escape again. We walked past Jeff very carefully giving all of them coffee from the break room.
"Are you coming with me to the MRI, Doctor Shepherd?"
I didn't look back at him, just fell into a very curt step as I left the psychiatry department for what felt like the thousandth time today. This was what my days were like, constantly running between floors. If it seemed like I spent a lot of time in elevators, it was because I did. Sometimes if I felt enthusiastic enough, I took the stairs.
Today was not one of those days.
"No, I've got a meeting that I postponed so I could help out," He adjusted his jacket, checking his reflection in the windows as we passed them.
I suppressed the urge to sigh, deciding that actually— maybe taking the stairs was a good idea. I had a lot of pent up frustration that could be well exerted into stomping a couple of flights of stairs. I took a left instead of going to the reception, but to my disappointment, Derek continued to tail me.
"I was right before... you are acting weird."
"Everyone keeps saying that to me today," I whined breathily, shoving my way into the staff stairwell. It hadn't been very far for Leon to walk at all, and he'd managed to do it while everyone's back was turned. "But what the hell does the word weird even mean?? Is it like a.... Weird weird or... I don't know I—"
"Did something happen?" Derek asked, his voice suddenly turning really soft and caring.
I couldn't stop the scoff from falling out of my mouth. I was a few steps ahead of him, plodding down them as if my life depended on it. But then he stopped and demanded me to turn around and look at him. It was the same voice he'd used when I'd had a breakdown in the storage room a few weeks ago.
I shook my head, my ponytail swishing from side-to-side. "Beth-"
"I really, really don't want to get into it." I was avoiding it, just like I seemed to avoid everything else.
"Beth," He tried again. "Is it Charlie?" When I didn't answer, he tried something else. "Is it Mark?"
Something inside me seemed to snap.
"You know what..." I rounded on him, stopping on a landing just a few moments away from the next floor. He was still in between floors, eyes widening when he saw the anger that was burning through my body. "No, it's not a Mark problem... for the first time in forever... It's a Derek problem."
He appeared completely blindsided.
"You look surprised... believe me, I am too. Imagine my surprise when I find out that Mark's not my problem today... that it's not Lexie that's pissing me off— but you."
"I don't know what this is about—"
"Oh no, you do." I sneered at his obliviousness, "You know exactly what I'm pissed about... it's the same thing that your wife has been angry about for the past week."
I actually caught the moment realisation hit him. It was like watching someone get struck by lightning. In a blink of an eye, gone was the confusion and there was the riptide of insurmountable guilt. There was something about the expression on his face that made my energy drain from my body.
I was suddenly out of breath, gazing at him with a very heavy heart and smoulders in my chest. He gripped the bannister tightly and his jaw clenched.
"You knew?"
"Of course I fucking knew," I looked away, at the floor, my heart pounding in my ears. "I have like a sixth sense for this sort of stuff— the moment I saw Richard Webber at Joe's, I knew he had a problem."
"Why didn't you tell me?" For a split second, he looked pissed off. I threw my head back and tried to stop my short fuse from burning off again. I swear to god this man will be the death of me.
"Because it wasn't your business to know," My words were very curt and very, very slow. I liked to punch in every syllable and watch him waver on his step, refusing to meet my gaze. "Do you know how fucking awful it is to take away that mans career... his whole lifes work because you want a promotion? Derek— I can't believe that you would use his own alcoholism against him—"
"I didn't use it against him," Derek denied, shaking his head. "The board agreed that he was putting his own patients in jeopardy— he botched up a surgery Beth... what the hell was I supposed to do?"
"Help him," I stated. It was really the most obvious answer, was it not? "Not pull the rug from under his feet— he's an adult, he deserves just as much help as anyone. He's like any of your patients, any of my patients. He deserves to be treated— not to be pushed aside and used a career boost."
"He wasn't a career boost—"
"Oh, so getting the Chief position was just a perk?"
"Are you jealous?"
"You're unbelievable."
"This is not about me—"
"This is about you, Derek."
"Richard is a grown adult who was putting a whole hospital of staff and patients at risk." He was out of breath too, angry and very flustered. "I could not, in good conscience, let him continue treating patients and running this department. He didn't know his own limits— he needed to step back and get help. He's a grown-ass adult, he should have known when to step back. I just helped him. He's getting help now."
I couldn't believe him. Did he hear the things he was saying to me? Derek was trying to justify tearing apart Webber's career for his own gain and I really wasn't buying it. He must've been able to tell as he kept his grip tight on the rail and just kept shaking his head. Back and forth, back and forth.
Was he not getting dizzy? Was the great brain of the great Derek Shepherd not rolling around in his thick skull? Sometimes I thought that Derek Shepherd was the most intelligent man I'd ever met. Other times, I thought that his brain must've been the size of a pea.
"I told you— I really didn't want to get into it."
I had, I'd been avoiding bringing this up for almost a week now. I had other things to deal with. And besides, Mark's words were still drowning my subconscious. If Mark was right, Derek had done exactly the same as what he'd done to Richard to me.
"I'm disappointed in you Derek... I don't understand how you can just... throw aside people so easily—"
"Are you sure this isn't about the lawsuit?" His words made me exhale in a breathy laugh of disbelief. Oh for fuck's sake. "I think this is actually about the fact that I told you we'd have to let you go because of the lawsuit— that you would have to take accountability for your actions—"
He sounded so angry and so inconvenienced that I couldn't help but laugh outwardly at him... and loudly too.
"No, I understand why I was collateral damage, Derek. Unlike how people treat me, I am a grown-ass adult," Derek wouldn't meet my eye. "I'm not a kid— I understand adult things like that. What I fail to understand, however, is how you can just continue to fuck people over and then expect them to be fine with you."
I paused, Mark's words resurfacing in my mind: "I mean— what if I'd been in Richard's position— what if it'd been me with the addiction... or your wife— would that have changed anything? What about Mark? Would you have put us out of a job for your own sake?"
He didn't respond.
I wondered if he knew what was hidden behind that hypothetical. A very real question about New York. Could he tell that Mark had planted suspicions in my head, the sort that I couldn't just cut down and toss into a wood-chipper? I was hiding behind Meredith, wondering whether he'd answer, tell me that he wouldn't forfeit these so-called my people for his career.
The more time went by, the more I agreed with Mark that Derek Shepherd had been behind my dismissal in New York— but I didn't want to think that, I didn't want to believe that a man that I loved like my brother could toss me into a wood-chipper. Mark had always been my number one suspect, for reasons that now, in retrospect, seemed trivial.
"Y'know when you became Chief... the Mercy Westers were all concerned about their jobs in this hospital." I thought back to the way the three residents had pestered me, Lexie and Alex, begging us for information last week. "Lexie defended you. She told them that you're not that sort of person. That they'd be safe— and I agreed with her... kind of— I just—" I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to word this correctly. "I can't tell whether you do these things for yourself— whether it's your career or your own conscience."
Hero complex. He was constantly trying to save people and this one had had a silver lining. Had I had a silver lining? Had he seen a perk to me getting kicked out of ManWest? Shunned from all of my medical placements? Had Derek crushed my dreams so easily because he made the decision for me that it would be best? Had Addison agreed with him too—
God, I was thinking too many things.
I couldn't be assed to wait for Derek's eventual reply, "If you wanna talk, just do what Addison's trying to do and phone— maybe leave a message," I turned my back on him, "Oh, but if you ask her, she'll tell you that there's really no guarantee that I'll get back to you."
I left him stranded at the top of the stairwell.
***
By the time I reached the MRI unit, I'd calmed down.
Now I just sat there, rocking back in forth in my chair as Leon's scans slowly rendered on the screen. This was the exact same room I'd sat in six months previously, Derek on one side and Sam on the other. Archer had been in that same machine, the one that now housed a rather bleak looking Leon DeMarco.
I glanced up at Doctor Kher as he leant forwards, peering down at the renders and zooming in. I followed his gaze.
It wasn't good.
"Tumour?"
He nodded. "Pressure from which is giving him delusions, out of body feeling... numbness."
I could see it on the scan, the small holes in his brain that came out clearly against the vibrant blue. I rubbed along my jaw, trying to ease the tension in my muscles. Kher didn't look too enthusiastic, he straightened and looked out on Leon as he laid in the machine.
"So... while Mr DeMarco is certainly not dead... he may well be soon."
As doctors, our definition of good news was definitely different from others. It was a career thing, I was sure of it. When I sat Matty down, scans on my computer and a sad look on my face, I tried my best to frame it positively. But in reality, her fiancé, although not dead, he was still extremely and gravely sick. She trembled a lot and I offered many tissues as I, with the help of Kher, talked her through Leon's current condition.
There were fewer tears this time but she still looked absolutely heartbroken. Ever so often, I'd glance to the door, checking to make sure that Derek hadn't strayed in again. My office door remained shut for the remainder of my office hours.
"We're starting Leon on some steroids in order to relieve the pressure from the tumour," I grasped her hand, squeezing it tightly as fat tears rolled down her cheeks. By then, we were in the surgical department, outside Leon's new patient room. "By tomorrow... his delusion should be gone and he should be back to normal..."
She sniffed loudly.
I smiled sadly. "Matty— hey," She looked up at me. "I know this is hard... but you haven't lost him, okay? Your fiancé... he's not going down without a fight."
"It's just... a lot," Matty's voice was raw from the emotional day she'd had. "Leon... he's the love of my life— the day he proposed I... it was the happiest day of my life and I couldn't imagine losing him— he means so much—When I did lose him for those few days—"
"I get it," I understood it a lot more than she even realised, I squeezed her arm, momentarily looking off into the distance thoughtfully. "You never lost him... he lost you, he's been trying to find you... this whole time. He hasn't stopped talking about how much he loves you."
She smiled, hanging her head and clearing her nose into the tissue.
"What about the tumour, what will happen?"
"Doctor Kher has some treatment plans, but it's very treatable, so the odds are looking good." I gestured towards a sleeping Leon, "You can go be with him now... if you want."
For the first time since she'd arrived at the hospital, I saw a light in her eyes and a smile slowly bloom on her face. Without a moment of hesitation, Matty turned and slowly ambled through the door, pausing at the side of her fiancé's bed. He was in a deep induced sleep, high off of all of the steroids that were fishing him out of his delusional stupor.
It felt wrong to watch such an intimate moment... but I couldn't look away. She detached herself from her purse and, very carefully, climbed up alongside Leon, hugging him from behind and laying beside him.
A small smile tugged at the corner of my lips. Now, that's something actually good that we can universally agree on.
"That the runaway patient?"
He seemed to be doing a lot of that today: appearing out of the bloom. I chuckled, turning and waltzing past Mark and to the nurse's station, asking for Leon's medical file. It was now time for my favourite part of the day, signing papers and prescribing medication. Mark seemed to have the same idea, very smoothly leaning against the desk beside me. If I hadn't of known better, I would've thought that he was the ghost in this hospital.
In some ways he was, he seemed to always be a very quiet prescience, although if we were going for ghastly, Derek would've had that in the bag today.
Speaking of which— Derek seemed to appear and answer Mark's question, confirming that it was. I stiffened, wishing that he would just get the message and leave me alone. It was weird really, when had I started to prefer Mark over him? The world was truly upside down today.
"Who's that with him?" Mark seemed to be very interested in everything today.
I frowned down at my medical file but glanced between Mark and Matty anyway.
"That is his very alive fiancé," I'd opted to ignore Derek completely. I just shrugged when Mark shot me a questioning glance. "Its a very long story... but they're engaged and very in love."
"I saw her sobbing in the plaza earlier," Mark didn't sound too impressed and pursed my lips, trying very hard just to stay concentrated on quickly signing everything off and getting out of there. There was something about being sandwiched between my ex-boyfriend and ex-brother-in-law that wasn't really my definition of fun. "Remind me to never get engaged. Is it really worth it?"
He completely disregarded me and instead looked over at Derek, brow furrowed.
Derek just shrugged. "Honestly it's not bad, just a lot of wedding planning." Then he paused, straining to remember his own very short engagement. "Well, unless you just decide to give away your wedding to Izzie and Alex and opt for a registry instead."
I glanced up at the clock over the nurse's station. I had ten minutes left of my shift. I just had to survive ten minutes. In all honesty, I wasn't sure whether I could be a very reputable source on engagement, seeing as I'd only been engaged for under 72 hours.
I'd spent that time having a lot of sex and helping Charlie look for jobs on the internet. There hadn't been any wedding planning involved. In all honesty, the idea of wedding planning, like Mark, was my idea of hell. I'd gone through enough with Addie's wedding and doing my own really didn't sound like fun.
"Yeah, I hate planning," Mark wrinkled his nose. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he flipped through a stack of papers, signing each one as if his signature didn't cost hundreds of dollars with every flick. My signature wasn't as expensive, I'd lost that moneymaker as soon as I'd lost my surgical job. "Remember that one trip to Rochester that I did? Remember the bed and breakfast—"
"Remember?" I scoffed, still keep my eyes very strictly on what I was doing. "I had food poisoning for like three weeks."
"And I ended up in a twin room," Derek commented and I could almost hear the roll of his eyes. It was nice to hear that Derek had found his human-like funny bone again. His angry broodiness was starting to get tiring. I could feel the weight of his gaze against the side of my head but I didn't budge.
"Yeah, like I said... I hate planning," The third member of our little mother's meeting was completely self-consumed, musing over his wedding planning prospects with a disgusted grimace. "I'd be a shit fiancé— I really don't think it's worth it."
"Well, I can't say much about your fiancé skills..." Mark shot me a look that unsettled me as I cleared my throat. "But I really can't give five stars to a boyfriend who sleeps with your sister..."
To my surprise, he just shrugged. "Yeah, I deserve that— besides, five stars mean fuck all these days. That bed and breakfast in Rochester was five stars and I'm pretty sure our room had bed bugs."
I tilted my head to the side. "Huh, yeah... that might explain the... itching..."
"Either way, count me out of getting engaged. It sounds like hell."
I rolled my eyes.
"Lovely conversation as always gentlemen—"
I began to say my goodbyes, but, in the tradition of everyone today, as soon as I turned to leave, Arizona materialised out of thin air.
I blinked, alarmed at the abruptness of her suddenly being in front of me.
There she was, all smiles and shiny eyes and teeth and suddenly here she was throwing her arms around me and squeezing me into a big, elated hug. This caught me completely off guard, that and the fact that she was actually an amazing hugger.
I was very tempted to ask her what was happening, but as soon as I opened my mouth all that came out was a very surprised laugh. Once I'd gathered my wits, Arizona was pulling back, clapping her hands together in a delighted way.
"I heard the good news!"
Ah.
"Oh yeah—" I grinned back, trying to match her level of bright happiness, but I'd never been the sort of brilliantly cheerful person. I certainly wasn't going to clap excitedly and was really not about to start jumping from foot to foot. I tried my best. I could hear Mark's amused snicker in the background as the two of them watched us, close enough to hear what we were saying. "Yeah— it's amazing, isn't it? The whole lawsuit— it's just so good that we got off scot-free... I was thinking of getting a gift for legal or something—"
A dent appeared between her eyebrows. "No! I spoke to Charlie. He told me about the—"
Oh.
Immediately, her eyes fell to my hand. "Where's the ring?"
There was a whole different definition of excitement sparkling in her eyes.
I was caught off guard.
Of course. Ah shit.
Quickly, I found myself holding my ring finger, twisting the skin as if the ring was still there. I opened my mouth to explain that I'd left it at home due to safety concerns but I was completely cut short by her pager. Arizona held up a finger, the grin completely dropping off of her face, as she read the message.
She muttered something to herself, something that was very disappointed and gave me a very sad look. She looked like a kid who had been told they were grounded.
"Look— I have to run, we'll have to catch up— I expect to hear everything!"
Her energy just suddenly snapped back into place and I was overwhelmed. It was like staring into a million high wattage bulbs, all very blinding and full-on. I blinked. Was this what I'd been like on half a bottle of Adderal? She squeezed my hand tightly and squeezed, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
"God, I love it when people get engaged! I'll be expecting a wedding invitation— okay?"
"Ha, okay."
I was completely stunned. Arizona was gone before I'd even fully processed that she was there— that's how my day seemed to be going today. Full of people who flickered in and out, like ghosts or invisible bodies that were never solid enough to say.
I actually stood there for a minute, gathering my thoughts and still rubbing the skin of my ring finger. I dropped my head to look at it. If I tried hard enough, I could remember how it looked sitting there. It was tasteful and nothing too flashy. It was a perfect size too.
Behind me, someone cleared their throat.
"Engaged, huh?"
Oh crap.
I'd never done a walk of shame like this before.
When I turned to face Derek and Mark, the two men had very different expressions on their face. My ex-brother-in-law was actually smiling slightly as if this was some eye in the middle of a hurricane and all of our arguments had been cleared away for a stretch of blue sky. He was the one who'd spoken.
Derek tilted his head to his side and leant against the desk, arms slowly crossing over his chest. I knew that look on his face— it was the oh, so when were you planning to tell us? with a little hint of pride. I chuckled, shaking my head wordlessly.
Then there was Mark.
He stared at me, a look deep in his eye that I really didn't recognise. It was one that caused goosebumps to run down my arms. I got the cold, chilled feeling that I'd had early, the same deathly touch that I'd felt in the morgue.
Quickly, my hand dropped to it's side and I looked away, unable to decipher whatever it was that was going through his head— I opened my mouth to speak, and then closed it. Again. I was speechless. I just shrugged, catching a glimpse of the clock over their heads.
"You know what..." I just decided to not even try. "Count me out."
And then I left, the chill not leaving my bones until Mark lost sight of me.
just a note: this chapter's medical case is inspired/taken from the television show new amsterdam! i've been watching a lot of medical shows to get inspiration for psychiatry cases and i'd really recommend this show :)