This chapter is an important transitional chapter, I recommend you re-read the parts of Jimin's narration in order not to forget the flow of the story. You know I love your comments. Even though the story is fiction, it tells the stages of Yoonmin's real story. The song of this Chapter is as important as the Chapter itself.
Love you so much,thanks for your support for LACUNA...
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*Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so.*
-Belva Davis
2018, from Jimin's narration.
Min Yoongi is the one who made me leave everything behind and run away. Min Yoongi is the person who made me dependent on him with his absence, who never knew about it, who left the pain of a love I couldn't live in the depths of my soul, and who was a source of great frustration or bitter regret for me but I still love him. Everyday.
It had been three months since I graduated when I decided to go to LA. Now I officially had a diploma and enough professional knowledge to start my own business. I had to earn my own money, continue my life and live the life I wanted. So, what kind of life did I want?
A life with Yoongi Hyung in it. But he wasn't even with me in my life. Just like it has been for the last two years.
My heart was so broken. The reason is both me and him. I saw that Yoongi Hyung dyed his hair blue in the photo he uploaded to Instagram. He never told me about it. We didn't talk as much as we used to anyway.
He was poisoning me so well and making me need him like an addict that I couldn't resist him.
He dyed his hair blue because I will tirelessly look at his photos for a long time and examine every millimeter of his skin.
My heart was so broken because I was going crazy because I couldn't be with him and see and experience these changes live.
The fact that he often went to other countries and was no longer in Italy was one of the biggest question marks in my mind. He always said it was work related, but for some reason I couldn't believe it.
I asked him why he never came to Korea even for a short time. But instead of giving me a proper answer, he told me to be home in half an hour and to open the door when it knocked. I truly felt like things within me that had long since died were coming back to life. I was filled with inexplicable energy and ran home without even waiting for the bus.
I had so many wishes inside. I stood in front of the mirror and fixed my hair. I put myself in order. I sprayed my perfume that resembled tangerine, his favorite fruit. He could influence me like that, but he didn't know it.
If I really saw him in front of me, I would hug him tightly and confess that I was in love, without wasting even a single moment. I was already late enough. I would even forget that I had once been depressed for a long time because of the girl I was jealous of. I would forget all my fears. When he asked me what I was, I was going to tell him that I was just someone in love with you. I was just going to say that I was in love with him, without fitting into any gender stereotypes.
That's how encouraged I was.
Because he gave me hope.
While I was holding it tightly to stop my hands from shaking, the doorbell rang. At that moment, my heart rose to my throat and thundered there. I was about to faint. My blood pressure rose so quickly that a fire burned into my cheeks. I was out of breath when I ran and opened the door.
Disappointment...
The maximum positive energy I experienced and then the sudden disappointment was so shocking that I collapsed right where I was, in front of the door.
''Mr. Park Jimin?''
During those seconds when I remained silent, the courier with a huge package in his hand put the package down and took out the electronic device from his waist.
''This package is your sir; can I get a signature here?''
My eyes were misty. After quickly signing, I took the package and ran up the stairs to my room, crying. I put the package on the bed and when I saw with my misty eyes that the sender's name was Min Yoongi, I got even more angry.
So, he sent a package when he was supposed to bring himself to me? Two years later?
I quickly opened the package and saw the letter envelope with forget-me-not flowers painted on yellow. I really thought he was making fun of me. It was my favorite flower. I don't know if he meant don't forget me, even though he was the one who forgot me. Or was it a reminder to himself not to forget me?
I opened the envelope of the letter carefully. I smelled the letter before I even started reading it. His hands touched this letter, right? How crazy I was. I was so out of my mind and doing irrational things. This is how I realized that Min Yoongi was poisoning me and driving me crazy. He was destroying me even with his absence.
The lines that made me crazy started like this...
Jimin...
Forgive me for not being able to come to your graduation. I haven't forgotten you even for a single day. Our memories are always with me. I know you're upset with me. I wish I could find a way to fix this, but even though I'm late, I want you to accept my graduation gift.
I know this isn't what you expected. But I can't come, my little one.
You can't imagine how much I miss you. I miss the days when we would play games and drink soju until the morning. Did you know that I can hardly drink any soju here?
You haven't sent me a photo of yourself in a long time. I often post photos on Instagram so you can see me often, you see, right? I think when you receive this letter you will have seen that I have already dyed my hair blue. I want to admit that I've changed a bit here. I accepted some things. I dream of the day when I can talk about this openly with you. I wonder if our sweet Jiminie has anyone in his life? When you fall in love, you should tell me first... I wonder who this lucky girl is. Jiminie, you are a very valuable person that everyone in this world will want you for. Can we say the same thing about me, Jiminie? Do you think I can love someone beautifully? Do I deserve to love someone? I guess, no. I guess this stuff just isn't for me. I am someone to stay away from. I shouldn't go any further, please accept the gifts in the package. I had you in my mind when I bought them all. You don't leave my mind even for a single moment. I'm telling everyone about you here. For that reason alone, you should be able to forgive me. Because I always forgive you.
My sweet brother, I love you...
Your Hyung..
I didn't look at any of the gifts in the package. I closed the package back the same way and taped it. Something inside me died, and while things were dying, their agony hurt me. Did he believe he couldn't love someone? Why did he make this a problem for himself? Was it really love? Is that why he hasn't been here for two years? Was the problem he could never solve that he couldn't love anyone? Why should he have to be so mysterious? I could love him...
How would he react if he knew that while he was making good wishes for me in the name of love, the only person I actually loved was him. Did he expect me to appear before him as a happy lover with a girl? I guess like everyone else. Why? Why didn't anyone see that I was losing myself and disappearing day by day because of him? Why didn't anyone see that his absence was the cause of my panic attacks?
Even when he wasn't mine, I was experiencing the possibility and helplessness of losing him to someone else. Was it necessary to say everything openly? Were such things always talked about openly? Who would understand me even if I didn't speak?
I thought that this was wrong because I loved him, and I tried hard not to imply that I could affect his life negatively and the thoughts that led him to love a man. If I confessed my love to him, I would upset him. I never told him about my feelings, knowing that he might want to have a child. I didn't want to confuse him. For some reason I didn't want to do anything and waited for everything to happen on its own. Despite everything, was he saying that he couldn't and shouldn't love anyone?
No, I can't blame him. It's not his fault. He doesn't know all this. I won't use the blame for something he doesn't know by tarnishing his name.
This is our problem.
He doesn't know that I love him, and even if he did, I don't know how he would react to me. From what I understand he's saying I should have a relationship with a girl. There has never been a situation where he could say otherwise. I haven't done anything to make anyone think otherwise. Neither did he. This was the set of unknowns that I couldn't get out of, and I had to decide what I needed to change in my life. That's why I hurriedly went to LA.
I left everyone behind. I didn't want to communicate.
I didn't want to see, talk to, or hear from Yoongi Hyung. It's over, I said to myself.
I did something crazy.
I enrolled in a dance course, but this later became a symbol that made me who I am. I found that my mother's help in studying modern dance when I was little had an excellent side effect on my dance memory. In LA, I worked my own business part-time and took a dance course, but it wasn't enough. I didn't just want to do it that way. I wanted to change my life.
I went to one of the universities providing fine arts and dance education to get information and attended the auditions. I am accepted. I received a full scholarship for the duration of my education. Since I was an interior designer, I could find a part-time job and survive, and everything else was about dance. A new me was born.
Dance was the only action in which I could reveal all my feelings and where my body, not my mouth, spoke openly and honestly. While I was dancing, I saw my soul leaving my body and holding my hand and dancing with me. I didn't tell anyone about this. No one knew that I started a second university.
I closed all my social media accounts and created new accounts under a fake name. I never checked Yoongi Hyung's account in the first months. But now I'm stalking him. He hasn't shared anything new yet. He still has the last photo he shared with blue hair. Months have passed. I think someone told him I wasn't there anymore. I don't know. He may have been heartbroken by this. He might be heartbroken about why I haven't talked to him. I know but I also don't know.
All I know is that I still love him very much. Sometimes I think this is my curse on this earth. Not being able to think or love anyone else but him. I thought that the fact that he was never mine and that he could never be mine was a curse written in my destiny. My heart was hurting, but I was smiling just because I loved him and could love him.
I admitted to myself that if he left Korea because he was going through a phase of confronting himself in this way, I could only understand him. But I didn't know what he had to face. I wish he had told me or anyone else. It broke my heart that he had to deal with what he went through alone. Now I was sure because I understood what it felt like when someone was away from home.
I found a page I follow on one of my secret social media accounts that kept me thinking about it at night. At first, it was something I looked at out of boredom, but later, for some reason, the things the words reminded me of were very familiar.
I texted him/her, something I've never done before. Without knowing who he is.
As time went on, I talked to him more often. It was kind of like sharing a common pain. It was also a popular blog. Late at night, curled up in my bed or on the couch, I would read his quotes with pleasure.
It was crazy, really crazy, but even that reminded me of Yoongi Hyung. Yoongi Hyung always kept notes, quotes, and song lyrics in stylish notebooks that he bought a new one every year. I don't even remember how many notebooks there were. This person gave me the impression of being a virtual version of Yoongi Hyung. What crazy thoughts. I didn't even know why I was thinking this.
Some nights were spent talking to him.
For a long time when I felt incomplete, I looked for ways to fill that feeling. The people around me also had all kinds of problems, difficulties they had to overcome, things they had to face. Some were harming themselves. Some were consuming alcohol and its derivatives. As a result, what I saw with those people was that they could never satisfy themselves and they sank deeper into the hole they fell into. I didn't want to be like that.
I aimed to make the things I avoided a part of my life and turn them into positive memories. Unfortunately, only time could tell how successful I was in this. But I have never forgotten a quote that Yoongi Hyung shared with me years ago when he first started writing notes. It reminded me that I should never give up. Now I understood better. There were so many things that should not be given up... For example, love...
Never mind.
It's not easy but engrave it onto your chest.
If you feel like you're going to crash then accelerate more, you idiot.
Never mind,
There are lots of things in the world that you can't help.
You better Never mind,
We're too young and immature to give up, you idiot.
Never mind.
So I took his words seriously. Since Yoongi Hyung couldn't be mine, I was going to make his words and something from him belong to my own body. It was crazy, wasn't it? Well, have you ever loved someone so madly?
The first tattoo I got when I first came to LA was Never mind, then I got a Forever Young tattoo to remind myself that we will stay young forever and to never forget. Because I started to love Yoongi Hyung in his best age. I was at the best moment of my life and at a young age to live my dreams with him. I had these feelings engraved on my body so that I would never forget them. I think if we loved each other mutually, love could really keep us young forever. These are beautiful things, aren't they? At the same time, how heartbreaking it is to be aware of these...
I was sad, angry, but satisfied. I have never regretted doing this. But still, when I came here, I knew who I left behind and that I made a mistake. My mind felt stuck in a maze and this was the only way out I could find. One of the reasons I didn't communicate with anyone was because I couldn't give them a reason to truly understand me. My mind was tired, and this did not equate to being physically tired. I wanted to give myself some time.
Taehyung was the only one who knew where I was, even exactly where I was. I had to have long conversations with him to get him to not tell anyone about it. LA was big. I could be anywhere, right? That night, all my emotions came back to life with the message I received from Taehyung.
I had no choice but to believe. If Yoongi Hyung wasn't in such a mess, Taehyung wouldn't have asked me for this, or wouldn't have said anything to worry me. Apparently he was truly in a terrible state. I didn't know how I could help him from here. Yes he was right, maybe I could text him. Would that be enough?
But my heart was also broken. I was in a terrible situation too, why didn't he find me? Why did he allow us to get to this situation? At that moment, those Moon quotes came to my mind, which made my night even longer.
Why I'm so afraid to lose you when you're not even mine? And why was I removed from your life so much that I don't even know where you are now? The Moon doesn't answer...
Maybe I should have let him know where I was. This is also a step, isn't it? My heart was beating very fast as I sent a message to Yoongi Hyung's number, which I have never forgotten. Things were happening in my life that were sudden and rapid and turned my emotions upside down. A new life, new friends, new hobbies and Yoongi Hyung, whose love I have tied my heart to moss for two years.
A short message that had me crying for hours. I was sobbing because he said to me, "I'm coming back to you." My first love, whom I have been waiting for two years to come back to me. I was like a wreck. I was holding on to the walls as I walked down the halls of my house. I had no strength in my knees. I was going to see him. He would come to me. Here to my house. It was like a miracle. Will the days I've been crying for years end? Would I be able to snooze in his arms again?
I think he would arrive in no time. It would take about twelve hours to get here from Korea. I had to prepare myself for the possibility of seeing him within twenty-four hours. How people let their guard down when it comes to the one they love... What was I going to do when I saw him? Is there anything else I can do other than crying? No.
Aren't crying and tears the rain of emotions? I will send rain on us.
I had to cancel all my schedules. First, I informed Tony, with whom I was in the same class and with whom I had more contact than others, that I would not be able to attend all the classes that week. I notified the financial secretary at the interior architecture office where I work part-time by E-Mail that I was sick and that I would do my work this week as home office. I also told my dance partner at the dance class I attend once a week that I could not attend this week. I had to be ready for anything.
When I went out to the terrace that night, I saw a magnificent full moon. Just like the day Yoongi Hyung was born. I loved the lunar calendar. He was a full moon in my eyes. I couldn't sleep because of excitement. I woke up early in the morning and spent a long time in the shower. It was like I couldn't feel my body.
I went shopping to buy everything I needed at home. I bought so many things that I only realized when I got home that I had overdone it. I bought all kinds of wine. I bought Yoongi Hyung's favorite Whiskey and things that tasted similar to the snacks we used to like to eat together. Since I started living on my own, I also learned to cook. I thought I could cook for him. I did everything to keep myself busy to contain my excitement. Another day passed but Yoongi Hyung didn't come.
Twenty-four hours have already passed.
He told me not to move anywhere. I thought maybe he couldn't find a plane ticket that easily. I calmed myself down.
Since I didn't go to work, I actually had to work from home and tried to complete the small projects that accumulated in my E-Mail throughout the day.
Then I cleaned the house because I was bored, although my house didn't get dirty very often. I was tired and took a shower. A feeling that gradually grew inside me and that I became an enemy held me hostage. I slept to avoid thinking more negatively.
The first thing I did when I woke up the next day was to check my phone. There was still no message. He said he would come.
I did my breakfast even though I didn't have much of an appetite. I literally jumped when I heard the notification sound on my phone. It was nothing other than Tony who sent the video of the practical dance lessons since I couldn't attend the classes that week.
He sent me a few videos so I wouldn't miss the choreographies. I thanked him briefly.
It was a good way to distract my mind. I repeated the new choreography for hours in my large living room. I didn't stop until I got tired, until my mind and that awful feeling inside me quieted down and set me free. It was already midnight and Yoongi Hyung was not there.
I chose to trust him. However, just to be sure, I checked all flights from Korea to LA. According to the information I obtained, three different airlines had flights to LA during the day. What is the percent chance that they will all be too full to buy tickets?
Forty-eight hours had already passed.
Something inside me hurt. There was a weight on my chest and I was having trouble breathing. I was experiencing a moment like the calmness before the storm. I started to be afraid and became a slave of fear. I went to take the sedative pills at my bedside to prevent my panic attacks, which I hadn't experienced for a long time, from recurring. When I returned to the living room, I was excited by the flashing light of my phone.
There was one missed call from Taehyung and that alone was reason enough for me to leave my heart where it was. Then a message tone. When I opened the message with my trembling fingers, my eyes were already closed.
I've never liked being alone. I have never sincerely wished to be alone. My biggest fear was being alone. I made the biggest mistake by choosing to leave myself alone. At worst, I would be his shadow. But being his shadow was equivalent to being one with him, I still wouldn't be alone. I made the wrong choices. I wish I could always remain Yoongi Hyung's shadow, silent, breathless, but always by his side and never alone.
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How are you?
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