Shan was not concious of the streets they walked to get to the others, nor at what point they reached the fountain, only of the fact that Inej had half of her weight against her as she helped the injured girl walk.
As they approached Jesper and Kaz who were waiting for them, they turned when Inej let out a slight groan as Shan helped her settle against the wall.
"Inej."
The boys stared at the horrific amount of blood seeping from her wound.
"The inferni. She's dead."
Shan blinked, staring down at her filthy hands, muttering numbly, "so are the rest."
She felt eyes on her but could not lift her gaze, strands of blood stained hair falling in front of her face.
Jesper placed a hand on Inej's arm, shaking his head. "You can't manage a horse, not even riding double. We'll have to come up with another plan."
"Saints."
"Thats a pretty nice ride." Kaz noted.
They all glanced past the courtyard to an all black carriage with two ready saddled up horses. It was expensive looking, regal, certainly something the General would use.
As the boys went to get rid of the person inside and get the carriage for them to quickly leave town, Shan waited with Inej, helping the girl stand.
All the while her mind fizzed with static, her body feeling as though it was out of place from her concious mind. It took a lot to try and bring her mind back, but it was out of her control.
She wordlessly helped Inej into the carriage, taking seat next to her as the girl sank into the seat, eyes screwed shut in discomfort.
The journey out of town was entirely lost on Shan as Jesper sat up front and Kaz sat opposite the two of them inside. The curtains were shut, drawing them in darkness as the sky turned black and clouds drew in overhead.
She felt eyes on her the entire ride but was unable to lift her gaze from her lap where her bloody hands sat limply against her skirts.
She didn't even realise the carriage had come to a stop a couple hours later.
Jesper came around to help Inej down the steps so she could sit down somewhere, eyeing Shan who sat motionless beside her.
Inej glanced her way in concern but took Jespers arm as she exited with a barely stifled groan. Unbeknownst to her, he cast a look towards Kaz who nodded for him to go.
Shan's eyes stung, fatigue clinging to her bones.
She didn't realise they had even stopped until Kaz's cane knocked against her shoe.
She glanced up slowly then, eyes half lidded, gradually looking around to realise they were no longer moving.
"Shan."
She avoided his eye and sluggishly brushed hair back from her face, getting up to leave, trying to snap herself out of it.
As she stepped down from the carriage she had to put a hand out on the side of it to keep herself steady.
She noticed Jesper helping Inej sit down on a crate just inside the empty stables and swallowed thickly, fingers twitching at her sides. The feeling of blood and dirt clinging to her skin like glue made her hot all of a sudden, and without another word she turned away from them all and started walking off the path.
"Where are you-"
She was barely aware of Kaz's stony voice calling after her as she headed into the thicket of trees, following her feet, a dazed sense about her.
"Shan!"
She made no sound of hearing him.
She just kept walking for a few minutes in the same direction, eyes glossed over, crunching dead leaves beneath her boots as she slowly trudged in a trance until the sound of trickling water met her ears. Time escaped the woman. She could have walked for an hour when in reality it was mere minutes.
Shan felt twigs and rocks dig into her shins through her dress as she practically fell to her knees by the creeks edge, eyes slowly focusing on the gentle running water.
The sky had began to darken, moonlight reflecting off of the ripples as she traced her fingers across the surface, relaxing slightly at the sensation of the cold liquid caressing her skin.
She watched the light reflections flicker around her touch, mind fading back to the stars dancing across the grand ceiling of the Palace hall, glittering and filling her with warmth.
After a few minutes of allowing the water to cool her skin, she scrubbed and scratched at any morsel of dirt beneath her nails and the crimson coat staining her skin until it hurt.
Midway through the discomfort of her sticky hair clinging to the side of her face had her skin crawling and she abruptly stopped, dipping her cupped hands below the water and splashing her face, running her hands down across her skin.
Emotions stuck at the lump in her throat, she used the end of her dress to wipe at her cheeks and forehead, reopening the tiny cut in her hairline.
Frustration began to build as more blood wet her fingertips and she exhaled harshly before burying her face in the fabric, fighting the urge to cry.
Tears filled her eyes as she screwed them shut, pressing her lips together tightly, wavering.
A blurry vision struck her, then. A stunning black crow who's feathers shone an iridescent purple as it's wings began to stir. A dove with red staining the ends of its wings approached slowly, hesitant. The elegant crow brushed necks with the white bird affectionately before turning and flying away, leaving the bird sadly watching after her.
A heavy sadness, a sense of loss struck her.
Shan lifted her head and raked her wet fingers through her hair, for the second time that day, with tears streaming down her face.
It took a long time for the red to turn a faded pink - without washing it properly the colour would take a while to go - but given the circumstances she would just have to deal with that as much as it pained her.
A twig snapped somewhere behind her and Shan quickly brushed her tears away from her face, lowering her head as she scrubbed more blood from the ends of her hair.
The pain in her head was dulling as the fog in her head lifted.
She listened to the shifting footsteps coming to a stop somewhere to her right and closed her eyes, eyebrows furrowing, troubled.
The only reason Kaz was there was because Inej, the one who usually trailed her like a shadow when she walked off like that, was too injured to do so. It was a bitter resolution to come to.
In his silence, she felt the need to speak.
"You didn't have to follow me," she told him, voice weaker than she'd have liked. Still, she did not turn her eyes to him. She cleared her throat. "I would have found my way back."
Despite her long hair shielding her red rimmed and glossy eyes from view, her reflection in the creek betrayed her.
He rested with his back to a tree, both hands resting on the top of his cane.
"Sue me for not liking those odds," Kaz told her.
Shan lowered her frigid hands from her hair and stared down at the crystals stuck beneath her nails. As they began to shake slightly, she swallowed thickly and began scrubbing at her hands again below the now icy water.
A chill had swept through the forest now night had fallen. The temperature of the water was drastically colder now.
A small figure dressed in white, skin as pale as the unforgiving snow coating her legs. She is shivering, lips blue as she scrambled out of the ditch, her heart shallow in her chest as her fast breaths clouded her vision.
Shan raked her nails across the back of her hand, now wanting more than ever wanting to dry her hands of the icy waters.
Her lungs rattled, pain shooting through her limbs, unable to feel her mud coated fingers.
Nails split from clawing her way free of the thin layer of dirt weighing her frail body down, snow and ice clinging to her hair, her eyelashes crusted with crystals of frost.
"Shan."
The woman froze, eyes focusing back on the water and her ice cold hands. Harsh red lines raked across her delicate skin.
"I think they're clean now."
She swallowed thickly, watching as her icy fingers began to shake violently.
She quickly bundled her hands in the end of her skirt and dried them, sickness toiling her stomach as she tried not to focus on how suddenly cold she was.
Still her eyes remained fixed on the rippling water as though she had the need to drown herself in the shallow creek until she could feel alright again.
He watched her dry her hands, scraping the fabric against the already irritated skin far more harshly than necessary, a faint frown on his lips.
Even from where he stood he noticed her shivering.
Slowly, with dull eyes, Shan pushed herself to a stand unsteadily at first. Her fists clenched at her sides.
She glanced at him from the side briefly, looking solemn. "I'm sorry you had to follow me. I know your leg gets worse when it's cold."
He pushed off from the tree and approached her, moonlight casting harsh shadows around his eyes and cheekbones.
His eyes took in the moonlight glittering in her eyes, her white hair casting the look of a halo around her delicate face, cheeks tinted rosy from the biting wind picking up.
"I didn't have to do anything." He said. His voice was gravelly, the cold air affecting more than just his pain.
They slowly began walking back the way they had come, back to Jesper and Inej.
She wrapped her arms around herself to fight off the chill.
"Inej is hurt," she retorted quietly. "And only Jesper can help her because he isn't afraid of touch."
She felt the harsh look sent to the side of her face.
Her steps faltered as she came to a stop, regret flashing in her eyes. He stopped and turned to face her.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, eyes closed. "I didn't mean that."
He watched her, thinly containing his bitterness.
"Yes you did."
Shan bit the inside of her cheek, meeting his eye.
She half expected him to he angry with her but most of all he was just irritated with himself. Because she was right, and it was a bitter truth that he had been trying to swallow since Jordie had died.
"And I'm not..." the boy worked his jaw, eyes flickering to the side in thought. "afraid of it."
"Just like I'm not mad," she uttered gently, eyes softening as she witnessed his expression turn conflicted for a second.
"You're not mad either."
She arched an eyebrow. "Now who's talking nonsense?"
He went quiet for a long moment. "Just because I'm a sceptic, doesn't mean I think you're mad."
"You told me different when we first met." She reminded him, hugging herself tighter.
"Thinks were different then."
"So things have changed now?" She challenged curiously, taking a step closer to him. "How can I prove to you that I'm not just a dreamer who keeps getting lucky."
"I don't believe in luck, either." He commented dryly.
She hummed, pressing further. "What will make you believe?"
The boy shook his head slightly, eyes flickering back to the path they had yet to travel. There was a faint, distant glow of a fire where it could be assumed Jesper had set up camp for them. Just a few minutes walk away.
Shan didn't know why she was pressing with this. She felt in herself like she was going mental with her visions, her premonitions, her crazed mutterings. She knew how people looked at her. What people thought of her even if something she said turned out being very real and very right.
This sudden urge to prove herself felt more of a hope to bat away all of her internal insecurities. Since she was a child she had been told to be quiet.
Her mother had been a mentally ill woman who had done awful things to her when the reality of her abilities came to light. It had been a scary time for Shan, who had been only twelve at the time and still in the harsh North of Fjerda.
And then there was the fact that she had spent the years after fearing she would turn out just like her mother, needing to be locked up for the better.
She knew all of Kaz's subtle glances, his dismissal, his ignoring of her premonitions and totalling them up to coincidence. Every time it dug under her skin like a little needle, sewing doubt into her heart. She didn't know why she felt the need to prove herself to him of all people or why she cared what he thought about her.
Maybe she cared too much about what he thought about her.
Maybe she cared too much quite a lot when it came to Kaz Brekker.
"There's nothing to prove," he told her simply, turning to walk away, stubbornness lighting in his eyes.
Kaz was a boy who hated being wrong. Hated being tricked.
He was a boy who saw street performers do magic and went home to replay every moment, every second, every movement until he knew how it was done. Give Kaz a safe and he would rather die than leave it un-cracked.
Perhaps because he did not understand Shan's mind, he would rather ignore the existence of the puzzle as a whole than admit he could not solve it.
She watched him struggle over the uneven terrain, cane sinking into the soft earth, the cold worsening his reliance of the cane.
She stared at the back of his long trench coat, turning him into a shadow in the forest - a thousand moments coming to mind, a thousand words as he walked away from her - she wanted Kaz to believe her.
"Trickster hands, trickster mind, wicked eyes but cannot fly," her eyes scanned him up and down as she murmured beneath her breath. A sudden thought hit her. "A bird with a broken wing..."
She wanted him to believe her. She hated the fact he might think she was mad, even if he wouldn't admit it.
She would not become her mother.
"Have you ever told anyone why you use a cane?"
The words left her mouth before she could weigh up the consequences.
"No." And he could see where she was going with this, ready to dismiss her words before she could speak them. "It's a broken bone that never healed." He threw over his shoulder. "It's not a difficult deduction."
"You jumped off of a bank roof when you were fourteen."
His footsteps faltered as he came to a sudden stop.
She stopped a few paces behind him, wishing she could see the expression hidden in the shadows of his face.
The cogs in his brain turned, worked quickly. His eyes narrowed as he turned to her. "There aren't many ways you can break a leg. A high fall, a fight, a birth defect; You could have guessed, and at most I'd just say you were lucky."
This was growing risky.
"You had a brother."
His expression turned dangerous, eyes hardening. The shadows caressing his chiselled face seemed to grow darker.
His voice was like stone grating against stone. "Many do," he deflected coldly, taking a daring step closer so that she had to look up at him to meet his dark eyes. "What's your point?"
Shan hesitated, her heart beginning to race a little at the closeness.
"I have these dreams sometimes, where two birds are stuck in an endless ocean," her voice was a mere ghost amongst the rising waters in his lungs. She sounded sad, wistful, distracted. "Their feathers are soaked so they can't fly. But they're still batting their wings and trying to escape. But then one stops."
She heard the scrunch of leather as his fist tightens around the sharp head of his cane, his eyes unwavering from her own, now like burning coal the longer he let her talk.
"The one that survives manages to find this branch to cling to, but it's looking out across the water for the other, calling out for it..."
"Shan, stop."
She was unsurprised by the streak of anger as he snapped at her, impatient with her words - no - unwilling to hear them. She kept talking, a troubled, far away look on her face.
"Every time I wake up from the dream it's like there's this unbearable weight on my chest, like I can't breathe. But my heart is aching, and I'm lost because I feel so alone, and so hopeless, that I convince myself it'll never stop and this is how I'll feel forever."
The boy in front of her was still as a statue, only his eyes showing he was listening. Everything about him tense, rigid, even his lungs. And this familiar ache settled in his chest as he tried to push her useless story out of his mind, but couldn't.
He leant in slightly, a fiery hatred lining his sharp features.
"Why is it you are so intent on forcing your way into other peoples business?" He hissed lowly. "To get the upper hand? To feel powerful? To prove a point? You're like a petulant child who never got to tell anyone to say 'I told you so'."
He was so caught up in the haunting feeling of icy waters rising against his skin as he listened to her voice that he didn't quite register the weight of what he was saying. But he still felt the bitterness in his cold heart as he got her to stop talking the only way he knew how.
Shan snapped her mouth shut, expression wilting as his harsh words filtered their way right into her already aching heart. Her arms clutched tighter around her shivering body as she shrank away from him.
"No, I..."
"You were trying to prove a point by bringing up things that don't concern you - for what? Because you want so desperately to convince yourself that you're right, and that you're not mental?"
Shan felt tears prickle her eyes as she blinked up at him, the hopeless, lonely feeling returning with a vengeance as she stared right into his unforgiving eyes.
"'Forcing my way in?'" She echoed weakly, in disbelief. "You think I asked for this? You think I have any control?"
In his silence as he stared her down, Shan began to smile. A hollow, far away smile that didn't reach her eyes. Perhaps she was mad.
"Do you know when I was twelve, I had a dream that my mother was going to kill me?"
She gauged his reaction, scanning his expression, searching within his eyes for a semblance of emotion, something other than bitterness and anger.
She continued bitterly, softly. "She changed after she got pregnant with me, or that's what I remember my dad saying before he died. Two months after I was born he caught her trying to drown me in the lake behind our house."
Something flashed across his face as he swallowed, but his mouth stayed clamped shut.
"At some point, I don't remember what age, she started actually hearing the things I was saying," she hugged herself tighter as a chill swept by, entire body rigid, like stone. "And my dreams got worse the older I got. When I told her I thought dad was going to die, I was scared. I didn't know what to do. And when he actually did get ill, she got this idea in her head that I was the one making him sick."
The wind began howling around the two, air like familiar needles attacking her bare skin, nails digging into her arms.
Her expression was light as she remarked, "I guess it was justified in her head when she decided to poison me with paint thinner."
A sick twisted part of her delighted in seeing a flash of alarm flicker across his otherwise blank face. His eyes searched hers rapidly.
"I'd had nightmares that she was going to do it but everytime, the second I woke up, I could never remember what had happened. Just that I'd be in a complete panic, paranoid with inescapable dread, terrified everytime she walked into the room but not knowing why - and because I was young and naive and I wanted so desperately to believe that she would never do anything to hurt me because she was my mum, I started to believe I was going crazy and that the nightmares were just that. Silly nightmares."
Words died on his tongue as he froze, each remark dying like embers in the rain, his anger dissipating but the pain of it all still threatening to drown him.
"When I woke up, I had to drag myself out of a shallow grave my own mother had dug for me." She told him, heart hammering in her ribcage at the memory, at the mere fact she was telling someone this. "Half buried under dirt and snow that had begun to turn to ice, so much so that I had to claw my way out because it was diddicult to breathe - and it was so cold of course I couldn't really feel it when some of the bones in my fingers broke, not until after. She had left my body in the hands of Djel, hoping the elements or the wolves would finish me off, probably half hoping it would clear her conscience."
Finished, high with the relief that it was the first time she had ever vocalised a single scrap of her miserable childhood filled with fear and paranoia, her voice grew sharper, more sturdy as she glared up at Kaz.
"You think I like feeling like I'm dying everytime it gets too cold, or I get my hands dirty, or everytime I smell cheap alcohol at the bloody bar because it reminds of fucking paint thinner?" She hissed, stepping up into his personal space so that their face were mere inches away. It was a shock to her he didnt flinch, but he did clench his jaw. "I have no control over any of it."
She stepped back, emotions lodging at the lump forming in her throat.
The look in Kaz's gaze had softened, a much duller rage glinting at the back of his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off.
"And all I wanted was for you to finally believe me," she whispered to herself, just loud enough for him to pick up on. She rubbed the space below one of her brows, smiling bitterly. "Maybe it was selfish. Maybe I did just want to prove to you I'm not some mental fortune teller..."
Shan turned to leave him, feet carrying her away from him, back to the camp, back to the others so that she could allow herself a moment to think because in his presence something about it became impossibly difficult - her heart was too fast, filled with too much hope, and Kaz Brekker was too closed off, too cold, too callous to actually hear her.
The boy watched her go for a single moment, faltering at the sight of her leaving, the sight of her back turned to him, leaving with her eyes so hollow. He attempted to catch up to her with his heart in his throat.
"Why do you care so much about what I think?" He called after her roughly, unable to help himself.
Her heart fluttered but her mind halted. Unbeknownst to her, her walking had slowed.
What a question to ask. How could she come up with an answer that wouldn't drive him away? How could she put it into words in the first place?
The aching in her chest felt all-consuming.
She finally turned on him, halting the boy in place just before he crashed into her. The hollows carved beneath his eyes were harsh with something similar to a froqn on his face.
There was a sudden frosty kind of passion within her.
"I wish I could tell you," she responded. "But I don't know. I don't know why feel so strongly towards you, I don't know why I value your stupid opinion more than anyone elses or why I trust you so much despite the fact you're a callous bastard. It's one of the few things I can't explain."
She turned away before she could glimpse the change in his expression - perhaps it was an act of cowardice on her part - or a self preservation tactic to maintain her pride.
She left him staring after her with a strange feeling in his chest and the voice of his long gone brother in the back of his head.