Hey dear notepad! Long time, no see ? Pardon your disloyal companion and thank you for being loyal and unwavering after all these years. Nothing has changed, no ? The same you, the same me and the same reason of mine to be filling your blank papers.
Yes, I saw her today.
After ten whole years. And don't get me started on how much she has grown up to be even more beautiful than her childhood - something which I didn't think was possible. She still smell of peaches, she still has long silky hair, she still is fond of silk - I should be knowing since she barged inside my room in a silky baby pink nightgown without thinking twice. And you know what ?
I still am in love with her.
Sigh.
I thought distancing myself from her will do the trick and I'll get over her, hoped the years between us would work as the magical healer the world brags about but just a glance into her eyes and I lost my temper. The reminder WHY is she at my house added to the burn and my insides were a heap of ashes at once.
She is here for her wedding.
With Kabir.
~
Winning a game of chess has lost its charm now. Infact, my every win, every success over the years is a mocking reminder that I will always be a loser. Empty handed. That I won't ever be...
Kabir.
The ache in Sneha's chest worsened to the extent that she clutched her shirt over her heart, downright sobbing now. She gasped for oxygen yet didn't stop reading. She wanted to bear the pain in which Mahir had lived for years.
~
You are slowly making me learn the literal meaning of words by making me experience them. Ten years ago, it was heartbreak. And today, it was...
breathtaking.
I stopped breathing the moment I saw you ready for the dinner in a black dress. You did it deliberately Sneha. I know it. Stop provoking me. It won't end well.
***
Yes I can kill for you. Because I can't stand ANYONE looking at you wrongly! I can't stand ANYONE around you. I want to have you all to myself. I want to be the one who has all the rights over you.
But you won't understand why...
~
I should not be feeling like this. The sight of Kabir lightly touching her arm should not be making me want to destroy everything around. Why can't I get a grip on myself, over my heart and emotions ? The more I'm trying, the more I'm failing.
~
My heart stopped when you said you have fallen for me. I felt like after years of torture, my mind has given up and was making illusions to make peace. But the next instant, you say that you shouldn't be feeling like that and it's wrong.
A dagger was stabbed straight into my heart.
You marrying Kabir is wrong! You going away from me is wrong! We were always meant to be together Sneha but you failed to realize that, THAT'S WRONG! You were mine, since ever, I was yours, since ever. It was a universal law! And you NOT reacting on the change of laws was WRONG!
Us together was never wrong. And for me, it will never be.
~
You ignited my soul by pressing your lips softly to mine. Years of suppressed emotions, fantasies, and dreams came alive and crashing upon me. Now when I look at your lips, I can't help in my desire to bruise them by mine. The feel of your fingers in my hair, the sound of your moans, your soft locks entangled in my fingers... I feel drugged Sneha and it's your fault.
~
You know what the funniest sh*t is Sneha ? YOU asking my laptop's password and getting insecure from the girl I love.
This, is what the world calls 'dark comedy'.
~
So you barge into Kabir's room just like that ? Of course. Why am I even surprised ? He is your fiance. You have all the right to and vice versa.
Just stop with your declarations of love for ME at least.
~
Funny she is marrying a guy who says "I don't know about her choice..."
How would you know Kabir that she loves white ? The entire world fawns over red roses but her pretty eyes close in pleasure at smelling jasmine. She is an ardent lover of rain and doesn't rest until is soaked to the bones under the cloudy sky. She's not a shopaholic but can exits a shop with hands full of bags if the shop in question is of fragrances. Sunrises are her favourite, a new day, a new beginning, but that doesn't stop her from gushing over the beauty of 3 AM sky full of stars. How would you know Kabir that Singapore has always been her dream destination just because of Gardens by the Bay there ? You don't even know about HER, let alone her choices!
Have you seen the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs wholeheartedly ? When she is sad, her eyes dim like a moon being obscured by the clouds. When she talks about something she loves, her hands animatedly illustrate each and every word and when those hands remain folded in her lap while talking, she silently tells that she's there just out of politeness. People say, when one wears his/her favourite colour, he/she glows in it the most. But I believe, when she wears MY favourite colour, she sets every f*cking thing in existence on fire. Defeats the warmth of a sun, outshines the glow of a moon.
You can't know this all in a month. I have unfolded each habit of hers like layers of a tulip everyday since childhood. Have explored her taste and absorbed her choices ever since we were five. You just grew up with me and her but I have grown up with Sneha Kashyap IN me. With her existence seeping deep into my soul.
You can never Kabir. You can never.
She was taking heavy, convulsive breaths now. His love for her had grown with him, increased with every second of every day in the last twenty years. It was unmatched and incomparabile! Unbeatable!
~
For the first time in my life, I got scared. The splash of water as you jumped into the lake has left stains on my soul. They hit my organs like acid. How many more tests I will have to go through Sneha ? Is it not enough that I'm watching you marry someone else in front of my eyes ? Please have mercy on me. I beg you.
~
Today, like every year on Diwali, I looked at the box which contains the moon earrings I was going to gift you ten years ago on Diwali. They are with me ever since. A constant reminder of what could have been...
~
They say fairies are in white. But today I saw one descending the stairs in black. It was not my phone that dropped from my hands, it was my heart that dropped at your feet.
Again.
You chose violence by twirling in front of me but the reminder that you weren't mine held me back. The sharp needle pinched my heart.
Again.
~
You are doing everything Sneha. Flirting with me, endangering your life, claiming that you love me, but are not doing the one and only thing I want you to do.
Choose me.
After everything, you ARE getting married to Kabir. You are NOT calling off your wedding. And you say, what's my problem...
~
I can't believe I lost my control in front of you today. I had not meant to but the reminder of that Diwali when you were snatched from me, and the demand of everyone for your and Kabir's dance triggered me. I couldn't stand anyone else touching you even if that else is my brother and your would-be husband. The knock on the door was in actual a knock on my conscience. Don't know what would have happened if I had stayed a little longer in your room.
~
What the f*ck are you playing at ?! You claim you love me yet you are continuing with the wedding! We share an intense moment just hours ago and now you are sneaking off with Kabir late into the night ?! Seriously ?! Do you have ANY idea how WRONG you are coming out in all of this ?! For God's sakes, stop switching between us brothers!!!
Enough is enough!
You think it's a game ? Playing with hearts ? I'll show you how fun it is!
Goshhhh... now she understood why he behaved so curtly that morning. He had seen her sneaking out the haveli for Kabir and misinterpreted it as her two-timing the brothers! Now when she looked at it, it did seem bad, really bad from his perspective. He was totally justified in his place.
~
You ask ME what I want you to do ?
Sigh.
Like you don't know how wrong it is that you're marrying Kabir and simultaneously romancing his younger brother ? For the love of God Sneha, choose ONE side and stick to it. You are coming out as a double-crossing two-timer and it's hurting me more than you getting married to someone else. Please don't do this. You have no idea that you're throned at the highest place of my heart. Please don't shake the roots of the respect I have for you. The idol I have of you inside me is cracking, please don't let it shatter into pieces.
~
I know you fainted intentionally. Just to avoid dancing with Kabir ? Honestly Sneha, you can do all these dramatics but simply can't say NO for the wedding ?
~
It's getting unbearable. I tried my best to behave normal but I can't Sneha. Seeing you in Haldi outfit and getting applied the turmeric paste of Kabir was a sight I never wanted to witness. Even if thousand sharp pikes had hit me from every direction resulting in my death, it would have hurt less.
That made me realize another thing that when I can't stand you becoming someone else's, how the hell will I face you after your marriage ? Facing you daily with the reminder that you are someone else's will either kill me or have your husband - which happens to be my elder brother - get killed by me.
It's time for me to leave now.
Sneha's eyes widened at the last line. Gasping, she rushed towards the almirah and flung the doors open.
Empty.
His clothes, his shoes, his accessories everything was gone. Except for a hand sized black velvet box. She took it out and opened, sobbing hysterically.
The silver moon earrings glinted in the room lights.