Our new chapter of 6K+ words in length. I hope you will like it. I love reading your valuable and instant comments and how you feel between the lines. Believe me, you feel like a part of the story. Just like we witnessed all their moments while supporting yoonmin. I put the song of this episode in the media section.
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*He was never mine but losing him broke my heart, but how do you say goodbye when your heart wants to hold on.*
2015 September 21 , from Yoongi's narrative.
I was becoming more withdrawn day by day. Two weeks before I went to Italy, I went to Daegu for a few days to see Geum-Jae and say goodbye. By chance, I also came across my childhood friends, and I did a few activities to distract myself. Since Geum-Jae said that he couldn't come to the farewell party that Jimin organized for me and that he was very busy with work, I made it easier for both of us.
"You looked better when I left you. You never look like you're about to start a new life. It's like we're forcing you to leave."
He was looking at me meaningfully in his suit, a mature man running a company. He was doing his best to make me feel that he was the big brother. I really had no choice but to feel like a little brother in front of him.
''Exactly, I had better days.''
He stopped eating and sat back.
"I told you to call me when you had to deal with emotions you couldn't handle, not to fall into a black hole alone."
I interrupted him, I didn't want him to misunderstand me.
"I really came here to have a good time with you and say goodbye properly. I don't want you to worry about me.''
We were both watching each other's reactions.
''Look, I know... I couldn't take care of you after coming to Daegu. I had to make a choice, and I really couldn't let my father's company be run by others. If you tell me right now that you will take over all the work here, I will gladly hand it over to you."
I breathed out in distress.
''There's no need for this, I'm grateful for all you've done, and so is my father. When you get married and start your life in the future, you will have a well-established and reliable job. This makes you a desirable groom, Min Geum-Jae!"
He laughed loudly. Because he was laughing, I was laughing too.
''Oh, look at what this punk said. You've grown up and are talking about marriage? ''
At least there was someone in the family who could marry. No matter how much my mother supported me, my father would occasionally have questions about marriage, and I would not hesitate to give him classic answers.
His chest heaved with distress, and he let out a deep breath. He squeezed my shoulder and lowered his voice. This was one of the times when Geum-Jae was at his most serious. Even though I didn't want to, I was stressed.
''Yoongi, I've been waiting for you to tell me for a long time. I am aware of everything.''
My eyes widened in surprise.
''Y- You aware of what! What are you aware of! ''
''Well, apparently you still have doubts about telling me. It's okay, I just want you to know that whatever you do, I have your back. I will never let you down. Okey?''
While I couldn't even close my mouth, which was open in surprise, Geum-Jae leaned back again and continued eating his food as if nothing had happened.
"How is Jimin, what is he doing?"
I was so excited at that moment that I hit my knee on the table leg in panic.
"Jimin?"
My brother laughed.
''Yes Jimin, why are you so surprised? I wondered what he was doing. Aren't you together every day?''
He was eating his food calmly. I didn't understand what was happening to me and my jaw never stopped.
''Jimin... He's fine, I guess. He finished his fourth semester. He's a very hard worker. You already know. He was upset that I was going to Italy, but he seems to be calmer lately. He's growing. Who would have thought that Jimin, with whom I played football on the streets and who had tiny hands, would grow up to be an adult. Recently, Jimin and my mom made my favorite cookies. You know our mother loves Jimin very much. Jimin dyed his hair blonde, our mother praised him so much that I was jealous for a moment. He even wanted you to come to Seoul and talked about how much he missed you. I guess you promised him to drink Soju, he didn't forget. Jimin is really growing up and becoming a very beautiful man. He was already beautiful. So my point wasn't that he was less beautiful before. He now reflects his own style. I think the interior design is perfect for him, I didn't understand why he chose this at first, but the more I think about the how thoughtful person he is and how much he pays attention to details, I think this is a profession perfect for Jimin. Some of our classes have the same professors, so I heard them speak very well of Jimin a few times. It's a proud feeling. Oh I almost forgot, Jimin said he wanted to drink again one day and he was already slightly drunk, he forgot his shoes on the beach and I had to carry him to my apartment in my arms. If I hadn't done this, his feet might have gotten dirty. Sometimes he doesn't listen to me and acts like a little child. And--''
''Yoongi''
''Ha!''
"Do you want to take a breath once in a while?"
''Ha?''
"I'm saying if you keep talking about Jimin any more, you'll pass out from lack of oxygen. Shut your fucking mouth and go tell Jimin how much you love him, you idiot."
''Ha!''
''Ha indeed! You couldn't really think I wouldn't understand this, could you?''
I could not answer. I slumped my shoulders and sank into my own darkness.
''I understand everything, but I can't understand why you left suddenly. You're the one who wanted this, but you're upset as if we're forcing you away. Does this have anything to do with Jimin?"
I closed my eyes tightly.
''Fuck!''
''Fuck indeed! The reason is Jimin, right? I can't believe you Yoongi! I really can't believe you!''
Geum-Jae looked into my eyes with sadness. I didn't have the patience to make long sentences and explain this situation.
"Don't look at me like that, Hyung. These feelings are not mutual. Jimin doesn't know about it."
He waved his hands in protest. He seemed unable to accept it.
''Are you leaving to cause yourself more pain? You know you can get a job at the best companies in Korea. You know that I will even provide you with financial support and that you can establish your own architectural office if you wish. I offer you all the possibilities. Please don't go. I think this is not the solution. Trust your Hyung, Yoongi. This is not the solution."
While I was distracted by the message on my phone, I took this opportunity to close the subject.
''It wasn't easy to make this decision. If I made this decision, it means I took the risk of a lot, right? Please try to understand me. I can't breathe anymore, I can't sleep at night, Hyung. ''
This is the first time I've seen Geum-Jae look this worried. I only had one week left and that clearly explained why I was stressed.
''No matter what happens, I'm with you. Don't forget to call me often. Don't be afraid to come back when you feel like you can't do it. No one will judge you."
Without the support of my family, I would have been an even more helpless man, but my problem was within myself. I had to solve the problems within myself. I was grateful to them, knowing that they would have my back would be a huge help as I healed myself.
''Thank you.''
So Geum-Jae and I spent the rest of our time talking about deeper things. In the evening we drank soju together and had fun like the old days. Even though he was an adult, when he was with me, I always felt like we were children. The next day we said goodbye and I got in my car and headed back to Seoul.
Since I was leaving the apartment I was living in, I needed to grab the last of my belongings. My apartment had already been rented to others, but I had not handed over the keys.
I only took my personal belongings and left the furniture there. Two days before i left for Italy, the day before Jimin's party, Jimin asked me if he could come to my apartment and spend some last time together there.
Even though I told him that there was nothing left in my house other than my bed and that it wasn't a good idea, he wanted to do it.
He appeared at my door with a bag in his hand and red-capped soju bottles inside. He brought a snack with him, knowing there was nothing to eat at home.
He had a bittersweet smile on his face. He wasn't happy, I wasn't anyway. Seeing him and feeling his scent made me forget everything. Still, he asked me a question that would make me shed tears only in my heart and my eyes would fight not to get wet. Just there, at my door, with red-capped soju bottles in his hand, he gave me a feeling that I will never forget for the rest of my life.
"Can I snooze in your arms for the last time tonight, Hyung?"
I couldn't stand it. My hand holding the door open fell at my side and lost all strength. My knees shook. If my heart was a republic, all its walls have collapsed.
As i looked into Jimin's eyes, pearl tears made his eyes shine. I let my guard down. I was left very vulnerable. My voice came out like a breath. He really tugged at my heartstrings.
''Jimin...''
He sniffed and the first pearl tear stuck in his eyelashes slowly flowed from his velvet skin to his chin. His voice was hoarse.
''Hyung...''
In one move, I pulled him to me and leaned him against my chest. I hugged him tightly. I kissed his hair, many times. I pressed him so tightly against me that I took his breath away.
''Jimin... My baby... My most precious... Please don't cry, I can't stand this.''
''Hyung...''
I held his face and wiped the tears flowing down his cheeks with my fingers. I was looking at him adoringly.
"Shh... Don't say anything... Please don't say anything tonight... Let's just drink soju and cuddle and snooze, hm?"
Jimin wasn't in the mood to talk anyway. After drinking Soju all night long, I hugged him tightly to my chest and put him to sleep. He breathed my scent through my T-Shirt. Jimin would never do these things. I thought maybe he got drunk from the soju he drank. It didn't help me at all that he put his nose on my chest and sniffed it as if he wanted to memorize my scent, and that he was dozing off while doing so.
I kissed his strands of hair. I kissed so much that I was ashamed of myself. Since he was sleeping on my chest, I could feel his breathing on my chest. After a certain point, I realized that the breaths I took and even the rhythm of my heart turned into the same rhythm as Jimin's. I was going anyway, there was no harm in going crazy one last time. Even if I lost my mind, I was leaving.
Suddenly my crazy mind made me think crazy things.
If it was him who left and not me, if this was the last time I slept in this bed with him and if I was the one who would have to see this bed again when I come back home after he left; I swear I would burn this House, this bed, with a can of gasoline. I was such a scared man that I couldn't even imagine the scenarios in which he would leave me, and I was the one who left like a coward.
I was so in need of Jimin that I couldn't even ask myself for patience. And I did something. Something very bad. I did something that I knew Jimin would definitely hate me for. I stole something huge from him. I was the first to betray the innocent bond between us, and I did it without his knowledge while he was asleep, meaning he would never know, and I would lie while I continued to look into his face.
I slowly lifted Jimin, who I believed was sleeping the most peaceful sleep on my chest and laid his head on the pillow. He was sleeping like an angel with his lips closed and the most painful way to go crazy looking at them. I moved closer to him. I brought my lips closer to his nose to feel the sweet sleep breaths coming from his tiny nose, which was carefully placed in the middle of his face. First, I stole his breath.
Oh, if only he knew how my lungs were singing, then he would only give back the breaths he took to me.
Then my eyes fell on his pink lips. I was so afraid of the possibility of him waking up; My eyes went up to his eyes, which were always closed in a single line, and to his eyelashes, which I couldn't wait to count one by one, and which gave sweet shadows to his under-eyes.
I held my breath so hard just before I placed my lips on his. For exactly thirteen seconds... I rested my lips on his lips with a pressure lighter than a bird's feather but enough to feel its fullness.
Our lips came together like a puzzle piece.
I killed our innocent bond on his lips that I could die for. I stole his first kiss. I stole the taste of his lips. I stole his sweet breaths. If I hadn't kissed him, I wouldn't be able to breathe or live after I was gone. I thought so. Without knowing that kissing him would leave me even more breathless...
I knew he would never forgive me. There was no logical explanation for what I did, but He was a poison...
Even if he was poison, I would drink him... Wasn't this proof of how madly I loved him?
I poisoned both of our lips with my kiss.
I will tell you sweet lies, even if my lips are poison. I will kiss you again, while I blindfold you with my hands. I will poison you. I will continue to poison you with these lips, just as I stole your poison from your lips without your knowledge and smeared it on my own lips.
I will tell you so many sweet lies, my poisonous angel... "I'm fine, I'm alive, I'm happy..." and I will leave you no choice but to believe me. I will fall more and more in love with you like crazy every day. Unless you come and save me from the madness of my mind and love me madly, I will be a sweet liar.
I watched his lips as I kissed them for thirteen seconds until the morning. Until the morning, I regretted and cursed myself thousands of times about why I kissed him. I questioned why I was stealing the poison from his lips (the sweet honey taste of his lips).
I questioned why I stole his first kiss without his permission. But I was a man so madly in love with him that I trusted the reality of leaving him behind me the next day. I was so stupid. I was so stupid when the morning sun's rays illuminated Jimin's face.
I thought I would give back the kiss I stole from him by kissing him again. I thought that if I kissed him again, I would return the taste (poison) he had infected me with. I kissed him once again as the sunlight made his lips shine. I felt like I was going to faint. It was like someone put a zoo inside me. His lips were sweeter than anything, like a fluffy pillow and so comfortable, cool, delicious that my lips wanted to rest on his pillow lips all day long.
That's how something inside me started to commit suicide. If I wasn't going to Italy the next day and I didn't have any plans in my life to go anywhere and start a new life at that moment, I would definitely leave this city after that morning when I kissed Jimin in his sleep without his permission. Because the problems I had inside because I loved him and the fact that he didn't love me the way I loved him were not worse than having kissed him without permission.
In thirteen seconds, I killed the old Min Yoongi on Park Jimin's lips. Jimin's lips were the murder scene from now on. I was a different man now. It's completely different.
I kissed Jimin's lips once for the sake of this new Min Yoongi, who was completely different from the old one. I kissed Park Jimin's lips for the third time, just for the sake of his three moles lined up in a sweet order on his satin-soft forehead, right before I got up from my bed where we hugged and slept together for the last time...
How selfish I was when I loved Jimin. The old Min Yoongi kissed him twice and flirted twice on his lips, but the new Yoongi was jealous of the old Yoongi and sealed his lips for the last time. I was so selfish while loving him. I was a completely different person now and today was a new day. Tomorrow would be a completely different day because I was leaving.
But today was Party day.
I got up from the bed and looked at Jimin's sleeping body one last time. The way he slept felt messy, as if he had been making love in bed for hours, but I felt guilty for even thinking about it. He was an angel. And he should have stayed away from someone like me.
I'm telling you, I'm a completely different person now.
Can humanity please forget the old Min Yoongi?
I washed my face in the bathroom of my house, which had almost no decent furniture left, and woke Jimin up to get ready for that farewell party, which would be my last day in Korea for a long time.
I went back to bed and started doing things I'd never felt comfortable doing before. I pulled the quilt off Jimin and while his slightly gathered T-Shirt revealed his smooth waist, I grabbed him by the waist and placed my head on his sleep-scented neck and called his name with big kisses. I was kissing him, his neck.
''Jiminie! It's time to wake up!"
When he didn't move much, I wrapped my hand around his exposed belly and then around his waist. This must have made him nervous because he stretched, yawned and opened his squinted eyes. Since I felt that he was waking up, I buried my head deeper into his neck and kissed him as if tickling him. My voice was quite hoarse because I took refuge in his neck as if I wanted to lose myself.
"Do the most beautiful person in this world, Mr. Park Jimin, want to wake up?"
At first, he held my head as if he didn't believe me. He wanted to realize that it was really me breathing as if hiding himself in the hollow of his neck. Then he got into a sitting position on the bed and turned my head towards him. We were face to face now. I didn't know how I looked at him, but he didn't recognize me.
''You can't be my Hyung! Who are you!''
I was amazed as I looked into his eyes, wide with surprise.
''Don't exaggerate that much. Your Hyung, with whom you slept in the same bed, loved and cared for you like a baby. You don't make this situation any weirder when you open your eyes so wide. I don't know what's on your mind but forget it."
He quickly escaped from my arms and laughed hysterically. His surprise increased tenfold when I gave him a firm smack on the bottom as he got out of bed.
His eyes had become as wide as possible, and he was staring at me in surprise.
"Do you know how many people would want to die for that butt?"
He made fun of me and rubbed the sore spot on his butt with his little hands before leaving the room.
I called after him and I answered.
''I don't know, and I don't want to know!''
Because thinking about who will want you and who will love you would kill me alive.
Jimin's beauty and body were so attractive that they could attract the attention of everyone, both boys and girls. People always talked about Jimin; it wasn't something I didn't know but I know I wanted to choose not to know.
He came to me after doing his business in the bathroom. He sat back on the bed and I realized he was going to give the speech I had been waiting for. He held one of my hands.
''Hyung... I still can't believe that you will be leaving tomorrow, but I am proud of you for not letting anything stop you from your dreams and being able to follow your dreams. You promised me... Because I was always with you in this life, I was with you every day, you won't be able to be with me just physically anymore, but your voice will really be with me every day, right? You're really not going to leave me alone, are you?"
I smiled big and that's how I started my first lie. The first lie to my first love. I was crying inside but I smiled.
''Jiminie, I will tell you everything I did, down to the smallest detail, you will know everything, I promise. We will talk whenever our hours match. Even if we can't talk, I will definitely try to send you a voice message for that day. I won't leave you without me. And don't leave me without you, okay? Send me lots of photos. ''
His eyes fell on our hands. He was still holding my hand. It was such a nice feeling to hold Park Jimin's hand.
"Do you really want to start a business together when you come back, Hyung?
I will have graduated by then."
I smiled big once again until my eyes disappeared. So many lies...
"Let's talk about this after I get back."
I ruffled his hair playfully and pinched his nose. He hated it when I did this.
His eyes looked very angry, tired and weak. I never liked this feeling, but I still smiled at Park Jimin. He was sad that his Hyung was leaving, but I was sad that I had to leave behind my brother, my first love, and the person I gave my first kiss to. But I was smiling very beautifully. I knew how much preparation he had put into tonight's Party, and I didn't want to waste his efforts. I was going to have fun tonight with all my loved ones.
I lied to everyone.
When Jimin and I left the house, we looked at this house, this apartment for the last time. It was as if we were leaving our ashes behind. The sadness of everything seemed to fall on Jimin's shoulders.
I was going to have a new bed in Milan, without Jimin in it. What a shitty life. I would have a new apartment that Jimin didn't have the spare key for. What a terrible feeling. I was going to a city so far away that I couldn't breathe the same as Jimin. What a pathetic life.
I wish I had some courage. I wish I had confessed my love to him and run away like a coward because I'm leaving tomorrow anyway. It was the perfect opportunity to do this. But I was a scared man.
''Let's go.''
After placing the last remaining small belongings in my car, we remained silent throughout the road. I wanted to leave my car to Jimin after I left, but I didn't know how to tell him this. We used to go to the University by the same bus, but at some point I realized that I needed a car.
"Jiminie, do you want to watch my car until I get back?"
This caused Jimin to turn his gaze, which was engrossed in the road, towards me. But he chose to remain silent.
What sweet lies I was telling him; I was disgusted with myself.
''I just need it to be with someone I trust. It's your decision whether to drive it or not. You can do whatever you want.''
He nodded at me.
''Alright. After returning from the airport tomorrow, I'll ask Namjoon Hyung to take the car to our garage. I don't think I'll be in the right mind to drive."
My hands holding the steering wheel gripped even harder.
''Don't say that. Jimin, I need you to be okay because I will be okay."
Another lie...
He rubbed his forehead in distress and said something to himself, or rather, he kept repeating things to himself, and it was difficult to understand. All I can understand is "I don't know what happened to me."
After dropping Jimin off at his house, I ran to my mother at the speed of light. I cried as if my heart was breaking into pieces. Because it was truly shattered.
"Mom, don't pick up the broken pieces of my heart, your hands will bleed."
I cried more when she caressed my hair without saying anything.
''Because all those heartbreaks are in my mind at the same time. The more I think about it, the more they cut. If I think, I speak, if I speak, I think. Please don't ask. I kissed Jimin. Mom. I kissed Jimin. Look what a fucking man I am in your arms. I kissed him in his sleep without him knowing.''
When my mother's body stiffened in surprise, I hugged her tighter and hid my face. I held her tightly. She should have listened to me until the end.
''He doesn't know. He didn't notice. I did the greatest harm to myself and to him so that I could never forgive myself."
My tears flowed in streams.
"I'm sorry that I'm leaving. I'm sorry I had to lie even to you. I wanted to save myself when I was the only one left that I didn't lie to. What if I lied to myself too?"
''Yoongi, my beautiful son. Don't think about these. Think yourself. All I want is for you to be happy."
I knelt at my mother's feet. I looked around idly.
''What would I do without Jimin? Mom, I love him very much. I want him at the center of my life. But I can't keep him at the center because I don't have the right to do so. I wish I had. Then people would be surprised how someone could love another person so much. Everyone would be ashamed."
''Jimin is truly a special person who needs to be loved. Do you have any idea how many people he thinks love him will come across after you're gone? Yoongi, I know for years you quietly pushed away everyone around him who was interested in him. It's driving you crazy that you can't do this anymore, right? You kept Jimin to yourself and kissed him before leaving. You are my son, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't tell you that what you're doing is wrong. So don't cry anymore. Set Jimin free."
She caressed my cheeks. My mother never lacked her compassion.
Don't cry anymore..
''I have always supported you, I still support you. I told you that you should give Jimin time to find himself, but I told you not to pin your hopes on it, there is always a possibility that he may not be interested in you or any man. You knew. This is not a game, Yoongi. It's a life. He must live his life freely, you cannot give him a choice. I know you didn't do this anyway, but you have to accept it now."
She was right. She was always right.
But I would continue to lie to everyone. I would continue to love Jimin even if I forgot myself. There was no definition in my dictionary that my heart didn't love Jimin anymore. I didn't dream of such a life. I was going to lose my mind in my love for him, but I was going to tell lies to everyone, but I was going to tell sweet lies to Jimin because he deserves the most beautiful and sweetest of everything.
Hours later, I left my mother's arms and walked upstairs to my room to shower and get ready. My suitcases and all the electronic items I needed were ready to leave here tomorrow. I had prepared the clothes I would wear at the party in advance. I cried some more under the hot water. I didn't really care that my eyes would be swollen, but Jimin cared. He cared, but he didn't care like he was in love. I wanted to be loved by him. I wanted to be a baby in his arms.
The party was in a quiet bar, a distance between the University and our homes. Jimin had taken over the whole organization and rented the entire Bar for the night. When I read the bar's signboard, I realized I had never been here before. ''Moon Hours''
It was a good analogy. This name must have been given in reference to the fact that this place is only open during the hours when the Moon appears in the sky. It was well thought out. It looked pretty cool from the outside. When I walked in, I saw a few people coming and Jimin running around.
The traces of the Moon in Jimin's life were more than my traces. There was a piece of the moon in everything he did.
After greeting everyone and talking briefly, I grabbed Jimin, who was running around in a rush, around his waist with one arm, and when he saw me, his face was bright. I gave him a kiss on the cheek.
''Hi, do you need to run around so much? Look, I'm here."
If he had asked me why I was holding him as if I were possessive, I could never answer, but I was holding him as if he were mine. I was going crazy.
Everything I did was crazy.
Jimin was so beautiful that night. I took another look at how he was in my arms and looked him up and down. With my hand still on his waist, I pulled him to me. I whistled quietly, only he and I heard it. His cheeks were a sweet shade of pink.
''You look great. Did you have to be this beautiful just because I was leaving?"
He stared without saying anything. I embarrassed him. I had flirted with him helplessly. There was another Min Yoongi going crazy inside my mind and he kept offering me his ideas from inside my mind. He was talking to me.
What you're doing is unfair, you're not fair. You can't flirt with him. You can't confuse him.
TRUE. I was the only one left without lying, and I couldn't do that to myself. I released Jimin and looked around the bar.
''Was this all your idea? Looks great. Even though I don't like parties at all, I'm really happy to be here."
It was hard to focus on the surroundings while Jimin was smiling like the most beautiful jewel in the world under the dim lights.
''Yes, I took care of every detail. All the colors, patterns, music you love. Did I do a good job? Shouldn't we be taking lots of pictures? Oh, I almost forgot, we're drinking Hennessy tonight. Your favourite...''
I looked around a little more in surprise. It really seemed like there were traces of me, he knew me very well.
''This is beyond what I could have imagined. Thank you. I will always be grateful to you for this."
If Jimin was in love with someone, would he do such things to him/her too? This possibility crept into my blood like a sneaky animal. This was the first time that the feeling of jealousy was holding me hostage like this. Because I couldn't be here anymore. I was losing control, along with my control, my mind as well. I think having Jimin next to me was equivalent to me being okay. I was a 'dangerous' man without him.
Jimin, I never want you to see how as I move away from you step by step, I become a more "dangerous" and unbearable man with each step. You shouldn't approach me.
Tonight is the end.
These are exactly what I wanted to say to him, but it was my voice echoing inside my mind.
Before the party started, I went outside the bar and not everyone had arrived yet and Jimin was still taking care of the last things. Tonight was the end. I looked at the little blue pill I stole from Namjoon's house from the inside pocket of my jacket, I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew it was a psychological pill based on Namjoon's studies and notes he took. According to Namjoon's analysis, it was a pill that gave happiness, increased pleasure, and helped push unnecessary thoughts into the background. I swallowed. And I kept drinking Hennessy all night long.
When the party started and everyone was having fun with the music, Jimin was always nearby. From time to time our eyes touched each other and we laughed. I was happy. What a beautiful lie, but I was truly happy. I was laughing. I was making body contact with the people around me and hugging them while laughing. Without knowing that Jimin was watching me with his sharp gaze.
Towards the middle of the night, the girl who was in my class and who owned the perfume I put on me the night Jimin and I slept at Namjoon's house, came to me. She laughed at me, even though I couldn't remember her name for a moment. I pointed at her and returned her smile. As I said, I was very happy, but there was something taking my mind hostage and ordering me to work just to laugh.
Jimin had organized the party, but I don't know whose idea it was to invite her, although after looking around the entire bar, I realized that almost everyone I was in the same class with and had a conversation with was here. This wasn't a special invitation to her.
She clinked her half-drunk drink into my glass and said something.
''Yoongi-shi! You are taking a perfect step for your career, I envy you."
At that moment, with my drunken mind, I smelled the girl's perfume and moved a little closer to her. I brought my nose closer to her hair and smelled it.
"You know, you forgot your perfume in the library recently, I took it. I may have even used it, don't get me wrong, I just wanted to impress someone I love."
The girl's eyebrows lifted in curiosity and her lips curled upwards.
"So you used my perfume to impress other girls."
I laughed and shook my head negatively.
''Wrong..''
Jimin was no longer at an angle where my eyes could see him, but I was so happy and having fun where I was that I didn't feel the strength in my feet to go to him. I wish he had come to me. I wish he hadn't hidden behind the crowd of people, watching that girl and me, and not being the target of his sharp gaze.
I would learn this much, much later.
The last thing I remember was the girl whose name I don't even remember, holding my hand and wanting to dance. Everyone was dancing and it was very crowded. Or maybe my eyes were starting to see everyone in twos and threes. Jimin wasn't there, why wasn't he there?
I knew I shouldn't be worried when Taehyung's worried gaze found me, so I gave him a big smile. As I said, I felt happy. I turned back to the girl whose name I don't remember and danced like crazy.
I didn't know that Jimin had a panic attack in the toilet and tried all kinds of things to calm himself down and put on a fake smile mask on his face because he didn't want to show me his depressed state. Likewise, I don't know why he had a panic attack and what caused it.
We started to harm each other like this, unknowingly and unintentionally.
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