trigger warning!
this chapter talks a little bit about suicide and alcoholism/using alcohol to cope.
please proceed with caution!
| Jailen |
I slept on the couch.
It was easier than pretending that I was fine with sharing a bed with Harry. Of course I could've slept in Zayn's room that was right next door, but he ended up going to the bar when we got back to the hotel.
I tossed and turned the whole night. I fell asleep for about twenty minutes before I decided to cave and go into the room, only for me to find that Harry was sleeping in the chair next to the couch.
I gave in too easily, waking him up and asking him to come sleep on the couch with me, to which he practically jumped out of his seat before I could finish my sentence.
When I woke up, the sun was setting and it was time to go back home.
Thankfully.
I was happy to finally get a break from Harry but I was even more happy to see my daughter.
I was shaking with excitement as Harry drove to Jason's place and even he couldn't hide his excitement. I could see the way his smile widened the closer we got, and as we pulled into the driveway, he barely put the car in park before he was swinging his door open and rushing up the walkway.
I was quick to follow, slamming the door behind me and running past him.
"Jailen!" He yelled after me, chuckling as I shook my head, the sound of his running footsteps behind me.
"I have to get to my baby!" I screeched, giddy as I skipped up the stairs.
Jason always kept his door unlocked when he knew I was coming over so I pushed through the door, immediately being welcomed with the smell of apple cinnamon air freshener and fall decor. I huffed. It was hardly October.
"I'm backkk!" I called out. The house was warm, which usually meant Nick was baking. I made my way to the kitchen, nearly tripping over my feet from how fast I ran through his house.
Sure enough, they were in the kitchen. I grinned, my cheeks hurting as I ran to my brother and took my daughter from his arms.
"Oh, I missed you so, so much, my baby!" I hugged her tightly, squeezing my eyes shut and swaying from side to side, "Did you miss me, bug?"
Hayden nodded, a giggle escaping her as I playfully squeezed her tighter and kissed her cheek.
"Jailen..." Jason cleared his throat and his tone was enough to make me pause everything I was doing.
I opened my eyes, quickly taking note of the serious expression on his face. A mix between anger, nervousness and disgust prominent on his features. Nick was quiet beside him, his eyes focused on the pastry dough on the counter but the aggression in his movements made me worry.
"What?" I chuckled awkwardly.
"You've gotta be fucking kidding me?" Harry's voice entered the kitchen and as I turned to face him, my eyes locked on someone who I never thought I'd see again.
Rage.
My hold on Hayden tightened protectively, my hands trembling as a frown etched its way onto my face as if it was going to stay there permanently. I looked at my brother, "Why the fuck is she here?! Around my baby?! Jason-"
"She just showed up," he said, his tone angry but lower than mine, "I don't know how she figured out where I lived. I haven't told her shit."
"Me either," Nick chimed in, keeping his eyes on the dough.
The room fell silent and we all looked over at Harry. He scoffed as he approached us. He reached for Hayden and I hesitated. He narrowed his eyes at me as if he was offended by me not handing my daughter to him.
He pursed his lips, "I didn't tell her anything. I was hoping the bitch had kicked the bucket by now." He reached for Hayden again, not bothering to wait for my response before he took her. He kissed her forehead, a smile bracing his lips briefly when she hugged him. Then he was serious again, "Say the word and she's gone."
I titled my head, "Like... gone gone?"
"No, like out of the house gone," Harry shook his head then leaned closer, "Unless you want her gone gone, then I can make that happen. Just give me a few hours and a machete-"
Nick and Jason chuckled. Then she spoke, "You will not speak about me in that manner, as if I'm not here. I am still your mother!"
"No one asked you to fucking be here!" I yelled, finally directing my attention to her. The room fell silent and I felt my heart sink as I stared at her, "You've got a lot of goddamn nerve showing up here."
With her lips pursed as if we were the ones wasting her time, her arms folded across her chest as if she had the audacity to feel anything other than shame from hearing her children talk about her that way.
I wanted to laugh but I couldn't find any other emotion besides anger. I couldn't manage any emotion other than anger.
"You've changed your number." Mary spoke with a sigh.
"And my name, and my address and everything that was connected to you. What's your point?" I walked past Harry and he followed as I made my way over to the cabinet where Jason kept his wine.
Seeing both Arthur and Mary in less than forty-eight hours was enough to make me go insane. I opened the cabinet and pulled out a glass. There was a bottle of red wine that I had bought a few years ago that hadn't been opened yet.
Hayden was two when I purchased it and I was going through the worst depression I had ever experienced. It was the most expensive bottle I could find and I bought two of them. I drank one by myself. The whole bottle was gone within thirty minutes. And when it was gone, I packed most of Hayden's clothes in her diaper bag, along with a note that had all of my information on it and my house keys. It had to be just after midnight when I left my house. I walked all the way to Jason's house that night with her in one arm and the other unopened bottle of wine in the other because I couldn't drive. But, I was fully prepared to leave my daughter on his doorstep because I felt as if she deserved a parent better than me. Someone who wasn't depressed all the time, someone who had a happy family with both parents.
I had made it just before 4 in the morning and as I was about to ring the doorbell, the front door opened and Jason was standing there. All it took was one look at me for him to realize that I wasn't fine. I always ask him how he knew I was outside of his house and he always tells me he just "had a feeling". I cried for hours that night and that morning. I cried so much, I puked and when I was done, I cried again. And Jason held me the entire time, well, when he wasn't holding Hayden. He didn't talk or ask questions until I was ready to talk, which didn't end up happening until two days later. I felt too guilty to say anything. He took the bottle of wine and hid it until I felt like I was healed enough to drink from it again. I don't question it often but I always make sure he knows how grateful I am that he saved me.
And I felt bad that he might have to save me again because as I poured myself a glass of that wine, my hands shook as I thought about that night. I was nowhere near healed enough but this might be the only thing that could keep me from murdering my mother right now.
"My point is that you've completely shut me out! Do you know what I had to go through to find you, Jailen?" She yelled and Harry took a step forward.
I chuckled. Finally, I chuckled as I brought the glass up to my lips and took a sip. Jason eyed me warily and I inhaled deeply before I sat the glass on the counter.
"You didn't find me, you found Jason," I clarified.
Jason pointed at her, "And I don't know how the hell you did that, Seriously? You don't think that's a little weird? Like just a little-"
"You all are my children! I birthed you, I have every right to know where you are!" She raised her voice and I widened my eyes at her.
I took a step forward, and then another until I was inches away from her, "You lost that privilege when you decided to practically sell me! Are you out of your sick and twisted mind? Why would I want to be involved with anyone who ruined my fucking life!?"
The corner of her lips twitched, "Yet here you are, playing house with a man who was just as much involved with ruining your life as I was. I mean, really Jailen... you kept the baby this man trapped you with and not once did you stop to think that maybe you ruined your own life?"
I don't think I moved quick enough. My hand came up, flying full force towards her cheek and I could already feel the swelling in my palm the moment the impact landed.
"Fuck you!" I yelled, feeling an arm wrap around my waist and pull me backwards. I didn't have to look to know it was Harry, I've become all too familiar with his touch. However, that didn't stop me from talking.
"You don't get to speak about my parenting choices. Not when you've fucked up not one, but all four of your children! Do you really think Lori and Lauren are fine?" I chuckled in disbelief, "Forget being a sorry excuse for a parent, you're a sorry excuse for a person! You're an embarrassment and dad should've broken up with your ass the first time you fucked up!"
"You watch your mouth!" She yelled in disbelief.
"I will not!" I was crying again. Of course I was, "Having you as a parent was worse than anything I could imagine, it was hell. Death would've been much nicer. There isn't a fiber in my body that doesn't hate you."
The room fell quiet as we stared at each other. My breathing was heavy and my nerves were fried but there was a slight pang of accomplishment that settled in my chest at the sight of her holding a hand to her cheek.
I wiped my face, sniffling as I pulled away from Harry, "Leave."
Mary shook her head, "No-"
"Leave!" I screamed, "Get the fuck out now! Leave! Just fucking leave!"
It wasn't until I heard Hayden's cries in the other room that all my rage disappeared and I was snapped back to reality. I hadn't even realized Nick had taken her out of the room. There was a pang in my chest and I felt my throat tighten as I took one last look at the lady who had given birth to me before I rushed out of the room.
My daughter needed her mother.
Just like I needed mine...
||