I got all the support I needed when I started my shop. I was scared at first even if that was already my plan and what I promised myself when I finally finished my studies. Ang sabi ko, magtatayo ako ng shop. A shop where I could showcase and sell my designs.
But my family was so supportive. Lalo na si Mommy. Palagi silang nakaalalay sa 'kin. Ibinibigay ang lahat ng kakailanganin ko.
As a businessman, my dad even gave me pointers on how to run a business. He gave me tips that could help me and even provided me with people who could help me with my business, like financial and legal advisors. Sa tingin ko ay iyon ang naging pinakamahaba at pinakamalalim na pag-uusap namin ni Dad. Even though it was a boutique shop, it was still a business. Halata kay Daddy na nagustuhan n'ya ang pagtatayo ko ng sarili kong business.
And I was happy. Pakiramdam ko, tama ang ginagawa ko. My parents were so proud of me.
Si Mommy naman ay todo ang promotion ng shop ko sa mga social media account n'ya. Kahit pa noong sinisimulan ko pa lang itayo 'yon. So, the day when I finally opened my shop to the public, a lot of her friends in the industry were there to check on my shop. Even fashion bloggers and interviewers were there kaya na-feature agad ang pagbubukas ng shop ko.
And that was the start of my career.
A lot of Mom's model friends bought some of my designs. Ilan sa kanila ay mga sikat. So, when they posted a photo on their Instagram account wearing my work and tagged me, it also promoted my shop. Maraming celebrities and models ang nakakita at binisita rin ang shop ko. Some even hired me to design their gown and suit na susuotin daw nila sa parties or awards nights.
I had to admit na nagustuhan ko ang laki ng koneksyon ni Mommy sa industriyang iyon. Nakilala agad ang pangalan ko in just a year after I build my shop. I was recognized quickly at ang dami na agad naging sales ng mga gawa ko.
My business boomed quickly. Ilang beses na agad akong na-feature sa mga fashion magazine pati na ang mga gawa ko. Nakasama na rin ako sa Paris at New York Fashion Week at nagkaroon na rin ng sarili kong fashion show. Kabi-kabilang mga naglalakihang fashion editor ang kumu-contact sa 'kin.
I was labeled as one of the fastest-rising designers in the industry and things became overwhelming for me. Kung minsan ay ako na mismo ang hindi makasunod. Ang bilis kasi ng mga pangyayari.
I felt like it wasn't that long when I was still filled with worries and anxieties after I graduated. Kahit planado ko na kung ano'ng gagawin ko, nangangapa pa rin ako. I had no idea where to start. I had no idea if I was doing the right thing. I didn't know if my talent was enough o kung magaling ba talaga ako para pumasok sa industry na 'to.
I got scared sometimes. It felt like I didn't do much to get all of these because obviously, I got connections. So, I often ask myself if I truly deserve all of these. If all of this was happening because I have talent or if the public was just tolerating me because I am the daughter of a previously famous model.
"How do you feel about your upcoming fashion show?"
I looked at the interviewer. Just yesterday, she contacted me to get my interview. Nabalitaan daw kasi ng EIC nila that I will have my fashion show next week. At kahit na in three days ay lalabas na ang next issue ng magazine nila, isisingit pa rin daw ang interview ko.
Of course, I accepted it even if I was so busy with the fashion show. Pumayag din naman s'ya na gabi kami magkita pagkatapos ng trabaho ko sa shop.
I smiled at her.
"Nervous, really." Dinig ko pa ang kaba sa boses ko nang tumawa ako saglit. "Especially since all of the guests accepted my invitation."
"Oh, yes! I've heard about that!" I saw the gleam in her eyes. She looked excited for me. "Even the bloggers and reporters are excited too for your fashion show!"
Natawa ako.
"You make it sound like it's as important as my first show."
"Of course, it is! You've been the buzz of the town since you opened your shop. You know, I interviewed various models, and many of them admired your work. Those who have not yet worked with you even hope you will hire them as models for your future fashion show." She smiled at me. "Miss Morozova, you've made a name for yourself in the fashion industry."
Ramdam ko ang pamumula ng buong mukha ko. I tried to compose myself dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin talaga ako nasasanay sa mga papuri nila kahit maraming tao na ang nagsasabi ng ganoon sa 'kin.
Ang bilis kasi talaga ng lahat. Minsan nga, pakiramdam ko ay nalulunod ako.
"Please... I've still got a long way to go."
"Oh, you're blushing!" she exclaimed. Napatingin pa s'ya sa kasama n'yang photographer na parang sinisigurong hindi lang s'ya ang nakakakita noon. "She's blushing!"
They both laughed. Kahit ang mga staff kong nakakakita sa 'min ay natawa na rin kaya mas lalo lang namula ang mukha ko.
"You're already this big but still humble," nangingiting sabi ng interviewer.
"I'm still not used to everything," pag-amin ko.
"I can understand. You just started your career but climbed up the ladder way too fast. Can you tell me how you manage to cope with everything?"
"I haven't still, to be honest. It feels surreal. Everything still feels like a very good dream. I mean, one moment I was anxious about starting my shop after I graduated and then the next moment, I was already here. I've been very lucky."
"Or you're just really talented," sabi ng interviewer na mukhang natutuwa sa 'kin. She motioned around the shop. "I've seen your works and there's no doubt why people recognized you quickly."
I smiled at her, grateful for what she'd said.
"Thank you..."
Pagod na pagod ako nang sa wakas ay matapos na ang interview. I haven't been able to have a complete rest because of my upcoming fashion show.
No... It wasn't just only then. Noong sinisimulan ko pa lang itayo 'yung shop, hindi na ako nagkaroon ng maayos na pahinga dahil nga sunod-sunod na rin ang mga nangyari that even I struggled to keep up.
I went out to head home, leaving my team in the shop to do their work. Napangiti ako nang makita agad ang kotse ni Killian na nakaparada sa parking space sa harap ng shop. He was casually leaning on the hood of his car. Halatang hindi pa s'ya umuuwi galing sa company nila as he was still wearing his suit but he already removed the jacket and vest. Hindi na maayos ang black necktie n'ya na parang niluwagan so he could open the first two button of his white inner long-sleeve shirt. Nakarolyo na rin ang sleeves hanggang siko n'ya, showing a glimpse of his tattoos, and I could also see his black watch on his left wrist.
Hindi muna ako lumapit sa kanya at pinagmasdan lang s'ya. But it was as if he could sense me. Agad s'yang napatingin sa direksyon ko pero hindi naman kumilos mula sa pagkakasandal sa kotse n'ya.
He was smoking. I watched him as he puffed on his cigarette, exhaling the smoke out of his mouth slowly. Ang isang kamay n'ya ay nasa loob ng bulsa ng navy blue pants n'ya. He looked like a model and I couldn't stop myself from taking out my phone so I could take a picture of him.
I smiled when I saw how the picture turned out. Nakaharap s'ya sa camera as he was looking at me. There was a glint in his eyes as if he were looking at something he wanted to... devour, to claim... which I could always see in those eyes whenever he looked at me.
I decided then that I would keep that photo of him private and wouldn't post it anywhere. Para na rin kasi s'yang nakatingin sa camera and I didn't want anyone to experience the way Killian looked at me. Gusto ko, ako lang ang makakatanggap ng ganoong tingin mula sa kanya.
But then, I couldn't post it anyway. Dahil hanggang ngayon ay itinatago ko pa rin ang relasyon naming ni Killian mula sa mga magulang ko.
I put the phone inside my sling bag and walked toward him. Mabilis na umayos ng tayo si Killian and he threw his cigarette on the ground before stepping on it.
"Sorry, I smoked," sabi n'ya nang makalapit ako sa kanya at akmang yayakapin s'ya.
Still, I hugged him and wrapped my arms around his waist. Ah, screw it. I still want to smell him.
So, I buried my face in his chest and inhaled his scent. He smelled all male. So Killian. Lalaking-lalaki. And I was addicted to it.
"It's okay," sabi kong inaamoy pa rin ang dibdib n'ya.
I felt him chuckle more than I heard it. Niyakap n'ya ako pabalik and I think I just melted inside his arms.
Hmm... That's more like it.
"How's your day?" he asked as I felt him caress my hair. Naramdaman ko rin ang paghalik n'ya sa ibabaw ng ulo ko.
Ah, such comfort...
"Tiring," sabi ko bago s'ya tiningala. I smiled at him. "But I'm fine now since you're here."
Umangat ang isang sulok ng mga labi n'ya. He gave me a smirk before he chuckled. There was a playful glint in his eyes as he stared down at me. Parang naaaliw habang tinititigan ako.
"That should be my line, love... You're getting better with your words. It hasn't been that long since you told me you don't want me in your life," halata ang pang-aasar sa boses n'ya.
Hinampas ko ang dibdib n'ya kasabay nang pagtulak sa kanya. Pinaalala pa kasi talaga! Ayoko na ngang alalahanin 'yon dahil nahihiya lang ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko noon!
He laughed. Sinimangutan ko s'ya pero hinuli n'ya ang kamay kong nasaktan nang hampasin ko s'ya sa dibdib as his muscles were so hard! He kissed the pain away at unti-unting nawala ang inis ko sa kanya.
"I know... I learned my lesson," I said.
"I'm sure..." sabi n'yang nangingiti.
Nakaisip ako ng kalokohan para man lang makaganti sa kanya. I smiled at him seductively. Ikinawit ko ang mga braso ko sa leeg n'ya at tumingkayad para mas maglapit ang mga mukha namin.
"It's because I have the best teacher." I gave him an innocent look. "He taught me so many things, you know..."
I ran a finger down his eyes and bit my lower lip while still not looking away from him. So, I saw exactly when the look in his eyes changed. It became predatory and I heard warning bells in my head. Bigla ay parang gusto kong umatras because I was sure that he would take me right exactly where we were. That he didn't mind if we were in a public place. He would do it as a punishment to me for tempting him like this.
Napatigil tuloy 'yung daliri kong bumababa mula sa dibdib n'ya. And Killian must've seen my hesitation as he mocked me with his smirk. Lalayo na sana ako, because I knew that he wouldn't back down, but he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
"Oh, love... You're playing with fire. There are still so many things I have yet to teach you," nailing pang sabi n'ya. Then he dipped his head and whispered in my ear. "Like how to suck my pierced cock and what you should do as I fuck your mouth deep in your throat."
Maingay akong napasinghap. Napahiwalay ako sa kanya dahil nanindig ang mga balahibo ko. Napatingin pa tuloy ako sa paligid. I was worried that someone would hear him! Nakahinga lang ako nang maluwag nang makitang malayo ang ibang tao sa 'min.
I glared at him. I saw him fighting back with a smile. He was definitely enjoying my reaction.
"I see that you're feeling okay now," sabi pa n'ya.
Natigilan ako. Maya-maya ay naliwanagan.
Ah... Alright. He did it because he saw my exhaustion. He saw what had been worrying me all this time. Hindi ko na kasi naitago 'yon dahil sa pagod. Not that I could hide anything from him anyway.
"Wow... You have an uncanny way to comfort me," I deadpan.
He chuckled.
"Oh, no, love... You got it wrong. My way of comforting you is by spreading your legs wide apart, sucking your clit, tongue-fucking your sweet cunt, and you'll be screaming my name."
"Killian!" saway ko na dahil hindi na lang bulong 'yon at may nakarinig na sa kanya! The woman even stopped walking and looked at him with wide eyes. Namumula pa ang mukha ng babae nang maglakad na palayo. Even I blushed with his words!
Goodness gracious! Wala talagang pinipiling lugar ang bibig ng lalaking 'to!
Sinimangutan ko s'ya. But he was just chuckling as he walked toward me and pulled me into a hug.
"God... I fucking love you," he said. "Come. Let's take you home."
Wait... He just said something, didn't he?
I stilled, trying to analyze what he just said. I was even staring at Killian, expecting him to repeat those words. But it was as if he didn't just say something heart-thumping and just guided me inside the car. He even opened and closed the passenger door for me.
Nalilito tuloy ako habang nakaupo sa sasakyan. I even stared at him as he got into the driver's seat. But he didn't repeat what he said and started to drive.
I mean... I already knew how he felt for me. Ramdam ko naman sa intesidad ng mga kilos n'ya. He was always so intense that I felt like I wasn't giving him enough. Kaya nga sinusubukan kong bumawi sa kanya sa paraang alam ko.
That was the first time he said those words. I knew that he loved me too much pero nakakagulat pa rin na marinig 'yon mismo sa kanya.
When his words finally sank into my mind, I smiled so widely that my jaw hurt. I bit my lower lip as I felt that I looked stupid and ridiculous but I couldn't help it. Hindi ko mapigilan ang ngiti ko.
"I love you too," I said.
Napalingon sa 'kin si Killian. He smirked before he made a low chuckle and looked at the road again. Nangingiting itinuon ko na lang ang tingin ko sa harap.
Home... He said he'd take me home. Pero alam naming pareho kung saan ang tinutukoy n'ya. At his place. His penthouse. That had been my comfort place. With him.
Even though I've already managed to buy my own condo unit just near his penthouse, doon pa rin ako nakikisiksik sa kanya. My parents thought that I've been staying in my condo pero ang totoo, hindi ako madalas na nandoon. Palagi akong nasa penthouse ni Killian.
I've wanted to stay with him. Always. Lalo pa ngayon na sobrang pagod na pagod ang pakiramdam ko pero hindi ako pwedeng manghina kahit saglit lang. Killian had always managed to give me the strength and energy I needed to get by. I've felt bad lying to my parents. Pero pakiramdam ko kasi, hindi ko kakayanin ang mga nangyayari sa 'kin ngayon kung wala s'ya.
He was my rest and my break. My safe haven...
"Thank you for your odd way of comforting me, by the way. I was feeling a bit glum earlier."
Saglit akong sinulyapan ni Killian.
"I told you; you'll know when I'm comforting by spreading your—"
"Oo na, oo na!" putol ko agad sa sasabihin n'ya. "Goodness."
Napalingon s'ya sa 'kin at nagtagal ang tingin n'ya ngayon. I just realized I speak some Tagalog words. Nasasanay na kasi ako magsalita dahil napapadalas na ang pag-uusap namin ni Lola. Although I was really careful not to speak the language around my mom. Nakampante lang ako ngayon dahil si Killian naman ang kasama ko.
"I mean, alright," I translated as I knew he didn't understand. "Mahalay na naman ang sasabihin mo."
When Killian chuckled, I stared at him. Para bang naintindihan n'ya ang sinabi ko. But then he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders.
"Why are you feeling glum anyway? Didn't you say you'd have an interview today?" he asked. Pasulyap-sulyap s'ya sa 'kin.
I sighed.
"I don't know... It feels like lately... I'm receiving things I don't even deserve."
He frowned.
"What do you mean? What things?"
"Everything that's happening with my career. I don't even know if I'm getting the recognition because Mom and her famous friends promoted me and I don't really have a talent." I sighed frustratedly. "I'm sure others would love to be in my shoes, but... it's frustrating, Killian... It's frightening. I don't want to be known just because I have connections. I want to be noticed because I have talent. That I am truly deserving of a career in the fashion industry since I am capable and I have the skills."
Maybe I think differently. Kung kailan pa sigurado na ang career ko, saka pa ako biglang natakot. I don't know I just... I was not sure about everything. The pressure was too much.
But I studied hard. I practiced hard. Pinilit ko ang sarili kong matutuhan ang mga kailangan ko and I tried to applied everything. Pakiramdam ko ay mababalewala ang paghihirap ko noon kung nakilala sa maling paraan.
Pakiramdam ko rin, ang taas ng expectation ng lahat sa 'kin dahil ang bilis ng pag-angat ko. Iisipin ng iba na dahil iyon sa ang galing-galing ko. Kaya kapag naglalabas ako ng bagong designs, ng bagong collection, natatakot ako. Kasi paano kung hindi iyon mas maganda sa inilabas ko nu'ng nakaraan? A lot would be disappointed. My parents would be the one who'd be disappointed the most.
Alam kong hindi pa ako ganoong kagaling at marami pang kailangang matutunan. I was so scared to make a mistake. Pakiramdam ko, maraming nakabantay sa kilos ko. Hinihintay na magkamali ako, which I know would happen dahil nga nagsisimula pa lang ako. I am bound to make a mistake.
Pero dahil marami parang ang taas na ng nararating ko, mas magiging mabigat ang pagbagsak ko. And I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to get back up as I was still inexperienced.
Killian didn't say anything and just continued driving. Inaabangan ko ang sasabihin n'ya. I was worried about confiding in him as I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. I didn't want him to know that I'm not really confident. That I'm actually full of worries and anxieties.
Nagtaka ako nang itinabi ni Killian ang sasakyan sa gilid ng kalsada. He looked at me and I realized that he was just finding a spot to park the car as he wanted us to talk properly.
"Irina." He angled his body to face me fully. He took my hand and held it tight. "I don't know what I should say to you right now. I am thinking of a different way to make you feel better and we both know what that is."
Napairap ako.
"Killian..."
"No, please, listen to me first, love..." Natahimik ako dahil nakita ko ang kaseryosohan sa mga mata n'ya sa kabila ng sinabi n'ya. "I'm not good with words but I'll say something anyway."
I smiled softly at him and squeezed his hand. I know... He's expressing himself with actions and I clearly know how harsh and straightforward he is. But he was trying so hard because of me. And that was enough to make me feel better.
"I don't want you to doubt yourself," he said. Napangiti na talaga ako. He was so Killian. Still harsh and straightforward. "Stop smiling. It's making me hard to think of the right words."
Natawa tuloy ako. Goodness. I love this mademan.
"Okay..."
"I don't think you garnered this much attention solely because of your connections. If you're not that good, those fashion editors, bloggers, and journalists will not feature you or interview you. But they see something in you, love. They admire you and your talent, which is why they are eager to hear your interview and speak with you. They want to share what they see in you with the rest of the world. I mean, don't you think they'd jeopardize their credibility by stating a lie?"
Nawala na ang ngiti ko at napatitig na lang sa kanya. It was obvious that he was struggling to find the right words but he was trying still. Kasi gusto n'yang maintindihan ko ang lahat.
"They are confident to feature you because they saw something real, love... They saw your talent." He kissed my hand. "I know you're getting a lot of pressure. But always know that you can take it slow. Do it at your own pace so you can have fun while doing something you want. Don't be so hard on yourself."
"Killian..."
Ang isang kamay n'ya ang inabot ang pisngi ko. He caressed my cheek and I leaned more onto his palm.
"And please, know that I'm here every step of your way. I'm always here whenever you need me. You know I'd do everything for you, right?"
Naiiyak na napatango ako. I kissed his palm without taking my eyes off him.
"Thank you... I love you so much."
Napangiti s'ya.
"And if you feel like everything is too much, we can always try my way of comforting you, love. It's effective."
"Oh, God..." Napairap ulit ako.
"I'm fucking serious. It's also an effective way to ease your worries. I swear you'll feel good—"
"Oh, my God. Stop."
"I'll make you cum until you can forget everything—"
"Killian!" natatawa ko nang saway. "Tama na kasi!"
"And then I'll fuck you—"
I kissed him just to shut him up. Ang bastos na naman kasi ng bibig! But maybe that was what he was planning as he kissed him back. I even felt his triumphant smile against my lips before he deepened the kiss.
Wala na. He magically erased all my negative feelings earlier just like that.
So, to thank him, I kissed him with my everything. Nilabanan ko ang intesidad ng halik n'ya. I sucked on his lower lip and he just let me have my way. Hinihigit ko na nga s'ya palapit sa 'kin and a frustrated groan escaped my lips as the seatbelts were restraining us.
He chuckled while still kissing me. He unbuckled my seatbelt and I was about to straddle him when I heard my phone ring. Hinihingal kaming napahiwalay sa isa't isa.
Ah... I wanted to have more of him though. Maybe later when we get home.
I took out my phone and it was my mother who was calling me. I had to compose myself, hinihingal pa rin kasi ako, before answering her call.
"Hey, Mom..."
"Come here tonight, Irina. Your dad wants to talk to you," iyon lang at ibinaba na n'ya ang tawag.
Napatitig na lang ako sa phone ko. It was unusual for my mom to end the call like that so I assumed there was a problem. Bigla tuloy akong kinabahan.
I looked at Killian. I had to stop myself from kissing him again when I saw how red his lips were because of the kiss we just shared.
I cleared my throat.
"I need to get to my parents' house tonight."
He stared at me.
"Is everything okay?"
Napangiti ako. Napapansin n'ya talaga ang lahat sa 'kin.
"Yeah..." Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko at mabilis na hinalikan ang mga labi n'ya. "I'll make it up to you tomorrow."
Nanghinayang ako. I wanted to be with him tonight. Pero mukha kasing importante ang gustong sabihin sa 'kin ni Daddy that I even need to get there.
Hindi ako sa harap ng bahay namin nagpababa kay Killian. Mahirap na. Baka makita pa kami ng parents ko. I didn't want to risk it. Nilakad ko na lang ang layo ng pinagbabaan ko but I felt safe as I knew Killian was following me in the dark.
I will really make it up to him tomorrow.
I found my parents sitting on the couch in the living room when I entered the house. I greeted them and kissed them on the cheeks but they remained silent. And I knew right then, something was wrong. Especially when I saw the disappointment in my mom's eyes.
"What do you want us to talk about, Dad?" tanong ko na kahit bigla akong kinabahan.
Dad didn't say anything and just handed me his phone. He looked so serious that it added to my nervousness.
I accepted his phone with my trembling hands and looked at it. I felt blood drained on my face when it showed a photo of Killian and me hugging intimately.
Ilang beses akong napalunok. It was just one photo. Pero mahuhulaan na kaagad kung ano'ng relasyon meron kami roon.
"You had me followed?" I asked softly. Nanginginig din ang boses ko.
"No," Dad said casually but the look in his eyes was scary. "A board member sent it to me."
Oh, no...
"Dad..."
Halos mapaiyak ako sa nakikita ko sa mga mata n'ya.
Indifference. As if he was looking at a stranger.
"Explain. Irina."
Shit.