the name is Jak, nice to meet you. I'm from a small coastal city on the western side of the U.S. it's a great place to live. Here, it's always sunny no matter the season, the weather is great and people here are too! we're all friends here, and here... is boring.
But it's the coast though! you can party all you want at the beach to eating, drinking, you could see the various theme parks and see the coral reefs and the kelp forest where all the unique sea critters live. Why I wouldn't I love this?
The problem is that you need friends and money. I don't have many friends willing to go out, nor the money. It sucks, but I'd rather be inside playing or doing anything else. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy going out, it's just it can be too much, and going with family can only do so much.
it always starts as a happy, where we bond together! until one bad thing happens and the whole mood is ruined. not having enough money, dad incorporating politics into everything, mom turning things into a life lesson, and the siblings being siblings.
It's all just a hassle. let me stay in my room! I want to sleep already! I will go out when I want to go out ok. I like going outside once in a while, not constantly. Who has that energy and time?
It doesn't help that my family keeps telling me all the classic immigrant talk.
"You need to study hard!"
"Get a high-paying job; be a doctor or lawyer!"
"Find a girlfriend so I can have grandkids!"
It's a lot for me to handle, and one can only have so much to hide in before bursting like a pipe. But I don't blame them for asking a lot. Both parents came from nothing to something.
They saw their world change so much, from a house with no running water and barely any power foraging for food to having, electricity, running water, gas and house in a suburb in a different country. They worked hard just to have me, and my sister live an easier life.
They didn't think of themselves, they thought of us, and I can respect them for that. It won't stop me from getting annoyed at them pestering me about every detail and how lazy I am. If you just make your kid's life easier and complain that your kid has an easy life, why make it easier? Case closed.
It stresses me out constantly thinking about the choices I made, and the people I gained and lost, I just think what if I just did this earlier? What if I just asked right then and there? what if... These are the thoughts I always have in my mind. But I have to keep going. There's a saying for it.
"You can't feel something that's always there."
*Picture, has a person thinking what if situations, but chooses to ignore it*
My family isn't in a great or bad position, it's not near the edge of homelessness nor rich people's status, it's the worst of both worlds. You're not poor enough to get any benefits from programs and the government while at the same time not being rich enough to have a good amount of money or many opportunities.
*Picture, showing how being in the middle has no opportunities or aids*
In order us to leave this limbo, I needed to get a high paying job so I and my family so we could live a life without worry, and to get a job I need education of a that caliber. I thought I've done enough but I didn't. I didn't get accepted into the university I needed. I felt nothing but disappointment, I was disappointed with myself.
I knew I should've done more in the past years, but I didn't, and I don't know why. I knew the consequences and benefits of doing them, but I still didn't do them.
*Picture, a person seeing the consequences of his actions, and doing it anyway*
I wasn't dumb or anything, I had above-average grades in school. but now that I know the reason, my loss of motivation when I was younger. Back then, I wanted to do all sorts of things, even if I were to fail. I was never a quitter.
However, the people around me never look at me nor my works, they just wanted me to stay in place. when I show my work, they always give me a cookie-cutter speech and smile, never the honest ones. I constantly felt I was overshadowed by others.
It kept getting worse, each year, the awards for being an outstanding student were never given to me. why did they get all the attention?
I felt smaller and smaller and so did my motivation with each passing year. but when I finally received my award, I was absent that day, it never came to me. Since then, I haven't been motivated to do anything.
Why work for something if it will never be appreciated?
*Picture, a person doing hard work and still getting overshadowed in the end*
But my family was always there for me. They always try to cheer me up, I love them for thinking about me in the end, when something doesn't go right, they always telling me this.
"If that doesn't work, let's do this instead okay?"
Besides, having Asian immigrant parents does have its perks. They taught me, not just in academics, they taught me not to be ashamed of asking for something or getting more than enough free stuff. Each time I ask them why, my parents tell me this.
"You should get things that say they're free; if you don't get them, then you're just dumb unless it's online. Never trust online until you know."
*Picture, family taking a bit too much free stuff*
One time there was a competition where we dismantled and reassembled a toy car, and the winner got the toy car. I didn't win, but I asked for it and got it. The shit eating grin I had was too big on my face. My friends, however, let's just say they weren't amused by it. Heh, Too bad for them.
*Picture, me competing and losing the competition but asking and getting the prize anyway with friends in the background disapproving*
But one thing my parents always said that always stuck with me, you should tell the truth, be honest on what you're going to do.
"Tell me when your plan is and don't lie; I'd rather get mad knowing the truth now than getting furious from a lie later."
That was a fun memory, but now I'm stuck in home with no job and attending a community college. It's not a bad life I have, but I could've done more.
This year I'll make sure I do the thing I will not regret doing! or at the very least improve my motivation—that's what I was going to say.
Just a few nights ago, I had this same dream every night, it always starts the same. I wake in a dark void surrounding me every time I take each step, it feels as though I am moving through water. My legs become heavy, and with each stride, it becomes less of a step and more of a swim.
I yell out, but my voice comes out as nothing but a faint whisper. It's as if I'm trying to hide from an unseen presence, yet I cannot see anyone or anything. I see no one here, I can't even see my own hands in front of me. I can feel them, but they're invisible to me, as if I was a ghost.
thoughts felt disconnected from my body; I saw them as if I were looking from an onlooker's perspective. Never seeing the full picture, only snippets.
Even my sense of smell was affected. At first, the dream had no smell but with each night it began to change. The smell was indescribable, but it had a sense of familiarity, as if I were born there. Was it an ocean breeze? the ground I stand on? the smell of sand on a beach? or a market with the weird clothes and goods? It felt nostalgic.
At first, I thought it was a nightmare but now it gives me a sense of peace it was in a way soothing. I couldn't do anything, but it meant I couldn't do anything stupid—no badmouthing, no hateful speech, no hurting myself or others. I eventually found it comforting. if something were to go wrong I wouldn't be mad at myself.
*Picture, a person having their body spread out as if they're relaxing after a long day*
this dream repeated for the past few nights, until the last night, when I had no dream. I slept and then woke up. it felt like just closing my eyes for a few seconds before getting right up.
The day itself was normal, wish it would change though. I did all of my usual routines, getting up from a creaking bed, sitting on the toilet with phone at hand, scrolling through videos seeing if anyone I follow made new content then shower then dried and change. It wasn't bad, but nothing changed.
The fun times of traveling are gone, and the need to go outside started to bother me. I want to see my friends. I want to go to theme parks. I actually want to go out. Why now? Why do I feel the need to go out now instead of back then?
At least I got pictures when I did get out. But enough of that. As soon as I got ready I exited my room and walked down the stairs to eat something, but I got greeted by a good morning instead.
"Hey jak, good morning, or should I say good afternoon? You slept through half of the day already", mom said while waving her head left and right as a sign of disappointment.
Ouch.
She continues, "well, nothing to do about it now; we've got a lot to do" I think of the list of chores water the plants, clean and feed the dogs You know, the everyday chores.
"Also, I need you to come with me... Your sister is at work... dad is...."
She kept talking I had trouble listening to it some of the words didn't come out, but few words at a time. I rubbed my ears to make sure I wasn't going deaf.
Huh, maybe I'm just tired.
It was getting harder and harder to understand mom's words. I started to freak out. Why can't I hear her!? A mother's voice can be loud, but it's worse to not hear it I talk to her about this, she knows what's wrong right? I talk but the words carried no sound, I couldn't hear my voice.
I CAN'T HEAR MY VOICE
Why I can't my voice!? my mouth was moving but I couldn't hear it. As if my hearing was taken away from me. Mom however walks to the doors leading out smiling, she doesn't seem to realize something is wrong with me.
Am I suffering from a stroke!?
The fear that slowly sets in as now a flood of panic rushing, the dam of composure now just a crumbled wreak.
mom, MOM!
I began to run toward her, my legs began to buckle under my weight as if I were hundreds of pounds; each step felt like walking underwater.
MOM PLEASE!
My vision, it began to darken from edge and slowly creep closer to the center of my vision. The details of the house became less of a house and more a of black blob, the details and vibrant colors of the plants, fish, dogs, door, and walls became the same.
...
Time slows down to a near stop. mom is the only one left I see, and even she doesn't last long. Her brown eyes, short hazel brown hair, and honey tan skin, along with her blue jean shorts and vibrant blue flower shirt filled with loops and ripples. It all slowly faded and meshed with everything else. I couldn't say anything. I was helpless.
Mom turns to face me and smiles, with a genteel tone she speaks.
"Hurry Jak, we've got a lot of things to do."
It was the last thing I heard and saw before she disappeared along with everything else into the darkness.
*Picture, a gentle smile in the middle of the picture surrounded by darkness*