Isabel stood at the sliding glass door, playing with the blinds. Since she'd been rescued from hell, she'd stayed in her apartment, never looking out. Anyone who had visited her had done so by coming to her home. Her confidant had told everyone that was what they had to do, and they had respected that. She wasn't ready to see the outside world yet. But today, when she woke up, she wondered if it might be time.
So there Isabel was, playing with the blinds and trying to find the courage to open them. She took a deep breath and lowered her head, closing her eyes. Before she could back out, she ripped the blinds open, already feeling the sun's warmth on her face. After the heat of hell, she'd kept the apartment practically arctic and her showers much the same. But the sun wasn't hot, not yet. It was more of a comforting warmth. So, slowly, she opened her eyes and saw the outside world.
Everything was familiar and strange all at once. The trees, the grass, the sun and the sky, they were all things that her heart used to know. Things her heart had yearned to remember, and she couldn't ignore the thrill in her veins at seeing them again. She found herself reaching for the tree next to her balcony, but couldn't ignore the shaking in her hands. She hadn't stepped foot outside in a very long time. Her fear and excitement were twisting up into a real Gordian knot, and stepping outside would be her sword.
Just as she had done with the blinds, she closed her eyes and opened the door before her courage could fail her. And once her courage reached its crest, she took a step onto the balcony, and then another. She breathed deeply, trying to calm her shaking hands. She hadn't opened her eyes yet, but the outside world was still there. She could smell the air, clean and free of ash, smelling slightly of rain. She could feel the sun's warmth. She could hear people going about their day and some birdsong, a far cry from the screams she had been used to.
Another deep breath, and she opened her eyes. She was there. Even if Isabel was only on her balcony, she was still outside. The tree was only a few steps away. On legs like a newborn foal, she went to it, taking one of the leaves between her fingers. It was soft, stiff, and smooth all at once. She'd forgotten what leaves felt like. It seemed like she stood there forever, just running that leaf through her fingers when a voice caught her attention.
A child was on the balcony next to hers, waving excitedly and asking what her name was. Isabel went to respond, but found her breath trapped in her throat. The little girl tilted her head, and another voice came from inside, calling her to breakfast. The child waved again and dashed into the apartment. Isabel still couldn't breathe. Before she could even register what had happened, she had dashed back into the apartment, shut the door, and closed the blinds.
It was there she stayed, one hand on the wall, one hand on her heart. At first, she couldn't believe that she'd panicked just because a child had spoken to her. The shame threatened to overwhelm her, but then she realized. She'd gone outside. And though it was just for a minute or two, she'd stayed there. Maybe next time she'd stay out there for longer. Maybe next time she'd actually talk to the child.
Baby steps were still steps, after all, and that was nothing to be ashamed of.
*******************
Reid tapped his foot as he rode the elevator, taking another sip of his coffee. If his foot was already tapping uncontrollably, he probably didn't need any more of the coffee, but it had been a long night. They had just returned from Albuquerque, and the things he had seen had haunted him. He wasn't sure why- it wasn't as if the case was an incredibly hard one, mentally speaking. In a sense, it had been rather fascinating. The case had revolved around a mortician cutting off the victims' legs and trying to transplant them onto someone else, all in an attempt to "fix" his wife.
Scientifically speaking, it never would have worked. That kind of thing had never been proven possible. The idea though, was fascinating- even if the execution was downright horrible. But that night, he'd had an intense nightmare. In his dream, it had been Ciara on the doctor's makeshift operating table. It had been her getting her leg amputated, and in his dream, she hadn't been given anesthesia. And when the doctor pulled off his mask, it had been James Bunder.
He knew when he woke up that he had to see Ciara, for his own peace of mind. If she asked, he would downplay the last few days as just another week, just another murderer. He would change the subject by asking how the past week had been for her. He knew when they went back to work, his ability to visit her would dramatically decrease. That knowledge didn't help him, though. It still didn't remove the vice grip that tightened around him every day he went without seeing her.
It wasn't as if she didn't have visitors. Teresa and Ria visited whenever they could, and so did Garcia. Every member of the BAU visited every now and again when they could, and so did Nonna. Akilah had mentioned that she swung by the hospital every morning, and when they were away on cases, she at least called. Reid wondered if he should start doing that. If he called her- maybe not every day but close to it- would it help close the chasm that seemed to grow whenever he was away? He'd have to ask Ciara first and make sure she was okay with that.
Finally the elevator door opened and Reid took the first step onto the third floor. Dr. Rivera had mentioned that a transfer was possible. Ciara's life was no longer in immediate danger, it was possible she could be transferred to either the Med-Surg unit or the Women and Children's unit. The only thing stopping them was the paperwork required to transfer Elizabeth to that unit. Wherever Ciara went, Elizabeth would have to go, too, and for the moment, it made more sense to just keep her in the ICU. Just in case.
As Reid approached room 312, he heard Ciara and Elizabeth, and he smiled softly. Whatever was happening, Ciara did not sound amused. In fact, quite the opposite. Elizabeth, however, was very amused and seemed to enjoy the situation. It was only when he got close to the open door that he was able to clearly hear their voices.
"Why the feck do I have to wear this thing? It's unsightly. Ye're not going to make me wear this old-person belt," Ciara protested.
"It's called a gait belt and you are going to wear it."
"I don't need this. The whole point of this was that ye weren't going to help me."
"I'm not. I'm just going to keep a hold of it in case you fall. Other than that, it's all on you. Would you rather fall to the floor and break something?" Elizabeth asked, and for a few seconds, it was silent in the room.
"...No."
"Well, then, I would suggest you wear the gait belt." Ciara muttered under her breath, too quiet for Reid to hear. Elizabeth clearly heard it though, because she immediately started laughing. Reid shook his head in amusement and stood in the open doorway. Ciara was out of bed, her clothing still far too loose, the emerald necklace proudly shining on her chest. And around her waist was the gait belt. She was right- it was rather unsightly. But Reid understood the purpose.
Elizabeth gently took hold of it. A loose enough grip that she wasn't actually helping Ciara, but if there was any sign that Ciara was about to fall, she could easily tighten her grip and prevent it. Elizabeth noticed him in the doorway and put her finger to her lips, and Reid nodded. Ciara, however, did not notice his presence, truly engrossed in her task. She breathed deeply, closed her eyes and furrowed her brow in concentration, and took a step.
Reid's eyes widened as she took that first step and then another. And another after that. He'd heard that she'd been taking small steps in her physical therapy sessions, but they were always assisted. Someone had been holding onto her, or she'd been holding on to a railing. But this? The gait belt was the least assistance she could get. And yet, there she was, taking steps practically on her own.
Reid couldn't fight the pride swelling in his chest. She was walking. She was actually walking again, even if she only made it a few steps. After four steps, he saw sweat start to bead on her brow, and she took four more steps back to the bed, practically collapsing onto it. Elizabeth, also beaming, took the gait belt off and hung it on a hook next to the bed. Ciara wiped the seat off of her brow, and that was when she finally noticed Reid.
"Spencer!" she exclaimed, a small smile on her face. He had to admit, he may have blushed slightly. If he had known how he would react to her saying his name- how right it would sound- he never would have asked her to do so. Too late for that now. C'est la vie. "Did ye see that?"
"I did. I'm so proud of you, Ciara. Soon enough you'll be walking anywhere you want."
"I don't know about that. The physical therapist says I still have a long way to go," Ciara responded as Elizabeth took her vitals. Ciara waved her off when the nurse asked if she needed anything, but before she left, Elizabeth asked to speak with Reid. Reid followed, and when they exited the room, Elizabeth sighed in relief.
"She's starting to truly do better. Since she was shown the footage of her abuser's arrest, she's grown in leaps and bounds. And the star projector she was given? That was genius. She still has her fair share of nightmares, that's for sure, and some episodes during the day, but not nearly as many. She's eating regularly again. She's actually been trying some new foods! And she's showering daily, especially now that she can stand on her own. There's only one thing that concerns me," Elizabeth explained.
"What's that?"
"The collar on her neck." Shit. The collar. Reid had forgotten they hadn't removed it yet. Ciara hadn't said anything about it, so he hadn't brought it up. He figured that after wearing it for so long, she had completely forgotten about it. Well, 'forgotten' may not be the right word. But she was probably so used to it that she had stopped noticing it. She simply didn't think about it, and Reid wasn't sure he wanted to remind her.
"Yeah. That. I'm not sure how to bring it up with her."
"Neither am I. I was worried at first about it, but it doesn't seem to be affecting her. I guess it's dead or defective because she gets it wet all of the time and it doesn't hurt her," Elizabeth mentioned. Or maybe it just didn't hurt her anymore because the remote to it was still in that house in Halsey.
"Well, I think it's about time it came off. I'll find a way to bring it up," Reid promised, and Elizabeth nodded once. She mentioned that she was clocking out early because she'd agreed to take a night shift with Ciara, and she was going home to take a quick nap. Reid wished her a good day before going back into Ciara's room. She was sitting on the bed, three books spread out in front of her. From the looks of it, she was trying to decide which one to read, or maybe even reread.
"I've read each of these three times, and I'm not sure which one I want to pick up again. I really just need Akilah to bring the next round of books like she promised," Ciara said as he walked into the room and sat next to the bed. She continued looking between the books, and once again, Reid wished that she could see herself the way that he saw her. He wished she could see the way her brows were furrowing deeper as she fell further into thought. He was so busy thinking about that, he didn't even notice that she had looked away from her books. "Spencer? What ye thinking about?" And there she went again, saying his first name and awakening something in him he hadn't even known had been sleeping.
Damn it, man, get a hold of yourself! You're acting like a horny teenager whose crush finally noticed he existed.
"Oh, I was just thinking about the case we got back from last night."
"Oh? Something interesting?" Ciara asked, completely oblivious to his blatant lie.
"Just another murderer trying to play God. Definitely not topping the charts of memorable cases," Reid mentioned, and Ciara tilted her head. "Although there is a rumor going around that I have a girlfriend."
"Do ye?" Ciara wondered, and Reid vehemently shook his head.
"No, no. Maeve is just a friend," he told her, not missing the way her eyebrows arched. "She's a geneticist. Some time ago, I started getting these really bad migraines. She was the only doctor that managed to help me. Well, we started talking a little more beyond that. It seems to me, in her letters, that she's lonely. I don't know much about her. Her letters started to get a little more intimate, a little more probing, and I told her I wasn't interested in anything other than friendship. She was okay with that."
"Ah. Sounds reasonable. But what does that have to do with the rumor?" Ciara asked, and Reid smiled at her innocence. She didn't even care about why he wasn't interested in Maeve- the simple fact that he wasn't was good enough for her. Which was just as well, because he didn't really feel like explaining. He didn't want to tell her that the reason he'd turned Maeve down was because he was already in love with Ciara, even if he hadn't realized it at the time.
"I called her during the case for a consultation. I don't think anyone believed that the consultation was all I called her for. Even though it was," Reid responded, and Ciara nodded.
"I believe ye, Reid," she said, before smiling sheepishly. "Sorry. Spencer. I'll get it, I promise."
"Don't worry too much about it. But, hey, listen. I have something for you. I know reading and listening to music is your thing, but just in case you wanted to do something else for a bit," he said, pulling the box out of his satchel. Ciara tilted her head in interest and moved her books onto the bed, making room for Reid to set down the box. He waited a few seconds for dramatic effect, before loosening the latch and opening up the box, showing off what he had bought for her.
"Oh. It's a... Okay." In his excitement, Reid didn't notice Ciara's hesitation. Instead, he continued to show off the chess board he had brought.
"Look, there's this little platform on the bottom of the box. So when there's no one else around, you can play yourself," he explained, pushing the board so it started to spin around.
"Spencer, I-"
"It's not nearly as good as playing with someone else, but it's a way to pass the time."
"I, um..."
"I've got a little time, we could even play right now!"
"Spencer!" Reid finally looked up from the board to see Ciara hugging her legs to her chest, her chin sitting on her knees. Her mouth was set into a grim line, and she breathed deeply, hugging her legs tighter.
"Ciara, what's wrong?" he wondered. Had he accidentally triggered something? Never in the green notebook had she mentioned something coming about because of chess, and the game had never appeared during the livestream. But maybe there was an incident that hadn't been recorded. Something that he didn't know about.
"I... I don't know how to play chess," she admitted. Reid looked down at the board before looking over at her, a small laugh escaping.
"Is that all?" he asked, and she turned to face him, one eyebrow arched. "I thought I'd done something wrong. But no, you just don't know how to play. That's okay. I can teach you. You're so smart, you'll probably have it down pretty quickly."
"I have a feeling ye'll blow me out of the water and then it won't be fun anymore."
"I'll let you win the first game," Reid promised, and Ciara's other brow raised. She looked at the board for a moment, before shaking her head in amusement.
"No, ye won't."
"You're right. I won't. But I promise I won't beat you too badly," Reid said with a laugh. "So? Can I please teach you?" Ciara sighed and sat criss-cross, picking up the white rook. She rolled the chess piece over in her hand, gently setting it on the board. It was in the wrong space, but Reid didn't really feel like telling her that. Not yet, anyway.
"Yeah. Ye can teach me. Just try not to thoroughly embarrass me, okay?"
"I wouldn't dream of it," he responded, setting up all the pieces. He tried to move the white rook as inconspicuously as possible, but the slight flush on Ciara's face proved that she had seen him. Instead of bringing it up, though, he continued to set up the pieces, adjusting the board and the bedside tray so the game was directly between them. "Okay. So these pieces right here? Those are your pawns."
************************
"Well, hello again." Ciara opened her eyes slightly to see Elizabeth standing in the doorway. Ciara had been trying to sleep for, according to the clock, thirty-five minutes, but it seemed like it wasn't happening. Even with the star projector chasing away the dark, sleep was not coming to claim her. Part of the problem was that her whole body was sore from the physical therapy. Just the day before she'd started therapy outside of the pool, and she was ready to call it quits and jump back in the water. She knew the soreness was a good sign, in a way, because it meant that she was working and pushing her muscles. But damn if it didn't suck.
Another reason she couldn't sleep was because Reid's chess lesson was consuming all of her thoughts. She remembered everything he had told her- what each piece was, where it could move, and a few strategies for victory. They had played for two hours, most of which was spent with Reid reminding Ciara where each piece could move. They had played a total of five games, and Reid had won every time. No surprise there. He'd been playing practically his whole life. She had only started playing that day.
Still, though, before he had left, he had told her that she showed promise. If she kept practicing, she'd be able to beat him in no time. She didn't really believe it and was sure that he was just saying that to make her feel better about her five straight losses. Still, belief or no belief, she'd felt her cheeks grow warm at his praise. Praise wasn't something she was used to, and, hours later, she was still trying to figure out how she felt about it. It felt good, she knew that. It was everything else she had felt that had her confused.
And the final reason she couldn't sleep was because the room was so fucking cold. Halsey hadn't been warm, that was true. But it wasn't cold, either. It was somewhere in between. Brisk, maybe? She wasn't sure what the proper word was. While her room before had been a very comfortable temperature, it wasn't anymore. How was she supposed to sleep when her skin was covered in goosebumps and she was busy shivering? But maybe Elizabeth could help her out with that part.
"Hey, Elizabeth. I forgot ye were coming back tonight."
"You certainly look ready for bed. What did that young man do that has you so tired?" Elizabeth asked, and Ciara yawned before she could answer. She really did need to get some sleep.
"He taught me how to play chess."
"Oh. Chess. Of course," Elizabeth said, standing behind the computer and working on her charting.
"Yeah? What were ye thinking?"
"Me? I wasn't thinking anything," Elizabeth argued, and Ciara shrugged. She hadn't a clue what her nurse might have been thinking, but she supposed it didn't really matter. "Anyway. Is there anything I can get you before you go to sleep?"
"Can you turn the temperature up in here? It's freezing," Ciara requested, and Elizabeth moved the computer to the side and gave her a sympathetic smile.
"Sorry, darling. I can't control the temperature of the room. I can call someone in maintenance to take a look at it, but I'm not sure they could get to it until the morning," she answered, and Ciara frowned slightly. She needed sleep, but she wasn't going to get any if the room stayed this cold. She wasn't too keen on waiting around for maintenance to fix it, either. Especially if they wouldn't look into it until the morning. Surely there had to be something that could be done. "I can get you a warm blanket. That ought to help."
"No. I'm not sleeping with a blanket."
"Very well. You can just stay cold all night, then," Elizabeth responded, and Ciara huffed slightly. In all the time she'd been awake, she'd never needed a blanket. She didn't need one in Halsey, and she certainly didn't need one in After. But what was the alternative? Just being cold? She didn't like that option one bit. Especially when she had the option of getting the blanket and being warm...
The thought hit her like a truck. She did have the option. She had that power, that voice, that choice. She could choose to be warm if she wanted. She was sure it would come back to bite her in the ass later, but for now, she had a choice. Damn the torpedoes. She was going to be warm and she'd deal with the consequences later.
"Actually... can I have that blanket?" Ciara asked, and the corners of Elizabeth's mouth perked up in a sly smile. She said that she'd only be gone a minute, and Ciara curled up into a ball, trying to find some body heat within herself. But with barely any fat or muscle to help insulate her, there was nothing she could do to prevent the cold. After all this time, she'd still barely gained any weight. They'd weighed her just the other day, and she was still only 63 pounds. All that time eating and going through physical therapy, and she only had three pounds to show for it. She wondered if she'd ever reach the 100 pounds she was in Before.
"Alrighty, here we go. I got two warm blankets and even found a pillow in the blanket warmer. You know, just in case," Elizabeth said upon entering the room. Ciara wasn't sure she wanted the pillow- the blanket alone was pushing her outside of her comfort zone. But as soon as Elizabeth put the warm blanket over her, comfort was all she knew. She'd forgotten just how comforting a blanket was. How a single piece of cloth could feel like a shield against the world.
And, just like that, she found herself wanting. In Halsey, she had only wanted for one thing- salvation. And eventually, she'd given up hope for that, too. But now that she'd given in to one desire, she wanted so much more. She wanted the second blanket. She wanted the pillow. She wanted things she couldn't even put a name to. But more than anything else, she wanted the weighted blanket she'd gotten from Reid and the memory foam pillow she now remembered had been a gift from Akilah.
She curled up under the blankets, letting their warmth envelope her whole body. In time, she even pulled the pillow under her head and sank into it. The warmth even eased the aches in her body, making it almost impossible to not fall asleep. It was right as she was nearly asleep that she felt something change. Was she crazy, or... was the air in the room getting warmer? She opened one eye and looked over at Elizabeth, who was busy charting.
"That was a dirty trick," Ciara muttered. Elizabeth didn't even look her way.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she responded, but Ciara didn't miss the smug grin on her face. Ciara smiled softly to herself as she curled up further under the blanket. Everyone had been letting her recover in her own time, and she was thankful for that. But she also knew that while baby steps were important, a time would come when someone would give her a good kick in the pants to get her moving. She couldn't fault Elizabeth for doing that. At least she did it in a way that didn't feel forced at all.
"Thank ye."
****************
"See? You're already getting better."
"Spencer. Ye just beat me in ten fecking moves. I don't quite see how that's 'getting better'," Ciara said as she stared at the king that Reid had just knocked over. When he had returned that morning, he'd immediately asked if she wanted to play more chess. Ciara hadn't really wanted to continue her losing streak, but he had seemed so excited about it, she just couldn't say no. And now, here she was, sitting pretty at 0-8. Not that she thought she could beat Reid. She would have to play for a lot longer before she had the smallest chance at beating him.
"Well, I was going to say that you're getting better at accepting defeat, but now I'm not so sure," Reid responded with a shit-eating grin. Ciara glared at him, taking a clean napkin from her tray, balling it up, and throwing it at him. It hit him right in the middle of his forehead, and his eyes went wide as he gasped, feigning injury. He burst out laughing, and Ciara felt a smile forming on her face. This was one thing she missed. Having fun. Having the chance to smile and laugh. Little moments like this that made life worth living. God, how she had missed them.
"One day, Dr. Reid. One day I will beat ye in ten moves and everyone will talk about the day that I beat Dr. Spencer Reid in chess," Ciara said. She waited for a response, but nothing came. Ciara finally looked away from the board to see Reid staring at her, face flushed and jaw tight. She swallowed hard, not sure what she had done wrong. She went back through what she had said, but couldn't think of anything particularly damning. But with the way he was looking at her... she must have done something bad. And she knew what happened to bad girls. "S-Spencer? Did I... Did I say something wrong?"
"Huh?" Reid shook his head slightly, his jaw loosening as he took in the fear on her face. "No. No, Ciara, you didn't do anything wrong. Sorry, I just... I was just thinking about something."
"May I ask what ye were thinking about?"
"Nothing you need concern yourself with," he said, and Ciara nodded slowly. She wasn't entirely sure it didn't concern her- it must have been something she said that triggered whatever thoughts caused that look on his face. But if he said it didn't concern her, she wasn't going to press. If he wanted to tell her, he would tell her. "Although. I have been thinking about something else. I never knew how to bring it up, but I think the best way is to just... say it."
"Okay?" Ciara urged, not sure exactly what he could be referring to.
"When are you going to get the collar taken off?"
"The what?!"
Well, here we are, another chapter down. Now that the wedding is over and I'm no longer spending all of my free minutes working on the gift for my friends, I'm reading and writing at a breathtaking pace. I've probably read three books since the wedding. I love my friends and I love that I got to be a part of their wedding, but I'm glad it's over. Now all I have to worry about is when we'll get the professional wedding photos. Anyway, rant over, and now I have nothing left to say except... BYE!
"Baby steps count as long as you are going forward. You add them all up and one day you look back and you'll be surprised at where you might get to." -Chris Gardner